Status: Married
City: VENICE BEACH
State: CALIFORNIA
Country: US
Signup Date: 10/26/2005
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Thursday, September 11, 2008
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Category: Blogging
My belief (and I am right) is that the GOP is trying to lose this Election. Fortunately it is not working.
They're sharp enough to see that the next Commander-in-Chief will inherit Inflation, a Housing Crisis and an Intractable War. Republicans may have been dumb enough to cause all of this, but they're not dumb enough to stick around to see how it ends. So they're trying to punt.
In the chess match of partisan politics, they are sacrificing a pawn. They want Obama win the election so he can take the fall for what will be the worst 4 years in US economic history. Republicans will then stroll back into The White House once things improve. And they will stay for a while; remember that after Jimmy Carter lost in 1980 the Republicans were unchallenged in the White House for 12 solid years.
This is why the GOP is shrewdly running the oldest candidate in history paired with a Pentecostal Eskimo who has more dirty laundry than a Thai Bathhouse after Fleet Week. (And she isn't hot by the way; winning 'Runner Up' for Miss Alaska just means you shaved that morning and you have a normal sized head).
The GOP is also hoping that America will refuse to vote for someone with a retarded child. If that were true, how did Bush Senior get elected?
The only way the Democrats can win (and by win I mean LOSE) the Election is to take it one step farther. Cash an Alec Baldwin contribution check and fly a jet to Kenya. First, find Barack's half-brother George, who lives in a shack and make about nine cents a decade. Then bring him to The States to campaign for his brother. Once America sees Clicky Obama spearing his lunch out of a tank at The New England Aquarium, our worries will be over. Billy Carter can pee on an airport tarmac, but I don't think we're ready to see the giggling First Brother on YouTube dry humping a vibrating chair at The Sharper Image.
So get out and vote Republican this November. They deserve it.
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
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Current mood:  cynical
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Hosted By: Greg Fitzsimmons When: Thursday Mar 13, 2008 at 8:00 PM Where: Denver Comedy Works 1226 15th Street Denver, Colorado|6 80202 United States Description:Greg Fitzsimmons Click Here To View Event
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
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Current mood:  cynical
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Hosted By: Greg Fitzsimmons When: Thursday Mar 13, 2008 at 8:00 PM Where: Denver Comedy Works 1226 15th Street Denver, Colorado|6 80202 United States Description:Greg Fitzsimmons Click Here To View Event
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Monday, March 03, 2008
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Here's an interview I did with the Gothamist:
Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian
Next Wednesday a cornucopia of comedians (Dave Attell, Louis C.K., Artie Lange and more) will gather at Town Hall for the The Gerry Red Wilson Foundation Comedy Benefit. Greg Fitzsimmons is one of the comedians responsible for putting together the show, which will raise awareness about meningitis (a disease that struck three people in his life, one of which was Gerry Red Wilson). You can buy tickets here.
When not making one of his many appearances on late night TV, or taking the stage for stand-up, Fitzsimmons is a writer. He's won four Emmys for his television writing; most recently he penned the HBO series "Lucky Louie". We asked him a few questions this week in anticipation of his event.
How did you become involved in the Gerry Red Wilson benefit? I created the Foundation with Gerry's fiancée and cousins after he died. We work together every year trying to build it while also keeping the integrity of the comedy night. The purpose of the Foundation is to raise money to fight the disease, raise awareness about the disease and honor Gerry by doing the best comedy show we can in front of his hundreds of friends and family.
Can you tell us about him? Gerry was one of my best friends. He taught school in Queens and finally got huge success as a comedian in his 30's. But he finished out the school year even though he was developing his own TV show because he wanted his students to do well on their college achievement tests.
Some of my best memories are times I spent with my wife and Gerry and Kathleen. He was bigger than life and made everyone feel special. A true New Yorker who put family and friends and having a good time ahead of everything. He had so much energy that you just wanted to be around him.
Can you tell us how meningitis has affected you personally? Gerry's death was so sudden and mysterious that we all wanted to know more about it and do something about it. This made us feel at the time like there was something we could do.
Three years after Gerry's death my 9 month old son got Meningitis and I spent 3 days in the emergency room holding his limp body and wondering with my wife if he was going to live. He came out fine, but 3 years after that my wife got Meningitis and was also treated immediately and is fine. Needless to say, I am spending way too much time around these Meningitis people.
What should people know about the disease? There are two types of Meningitis: Bacterial and Viral. Bacterial is very dangerous, viral is just painful. The symptoms are stiffness in the neck, high fever and often an earache. It is painful and if you experience these symptoms you should immediately go to your doctor. The only way to diagnose it is with a spinal tap and it must be treated with antibiotics in the spinal chord. The incidence of Meningitis is on the rise especially in college dorms or other areas where you have a lot of people living in close quarters. Speak to your doctor about making sure you are immunized.
You've performed on both Letterman and Conan, what is that experience like as a stand-up comedian? It is like training for a big game. For weeks you are solely focused on this 5-minute set. There is not nearly the recognition from a TV spot that there used to be, but to me it remains very important to do well for myself. It's a way of marking progress.
Do you have any stories from those appearances? I've done 4 Lettermans, 6 Conans, 6 Kilborns, 4 Tonight Shows and 3 Kimmels. I could tell you who the other guests were on every show, what jokes I did and a good story from each.
The first time I was scheduled to do Letterman I was so nervous I literally couldn't breathe. My agent grabbed my shoulders and tried to calm me down. Luckily I ended up getting bumped because Marv Albert told too many sports stories. Two weeks later I did it and had the best set of my life. I walked offstage and started crying. Faith Hill was the next guest and she hugged me.
As a writer, did you just go on strike? I walked the picket line for 3 months. It was really depressing, but it also empowered a lot of writers to take more control of what we create. I never want to be in that situation again where I have to wait for the salespeople of the product I make to agree to sell it to the public for me. I want to do more things on the Internet and independently on video etc. That being said I'm glad the strike is over and relations seem to be very good between everybody again.
In the last 3 weeks I sold 2 TV shows, shot a pilot for VH1 with Andy Dick, and next week I am shooting an episode of "CSI". We are officially back to work.
What was that like, day to day? I would show up and see 10 hilarious smart writers walking in circles. We would make each other laugh and plot the future of the industry with out studio involvement. Then I would go home depressed.
How do the west and east coast comedy scenes differ? NY is about the work. Being a great comic who is respected by peers and evolves into a singular powerful voice. . LA is about trying to convince unfunny network executives that you are funny and then getting notes from them on your material. Then you die inside and tell people you will move back to NY someday but you never do because you haven't "Made it" yet. Then you get a dog that you walk a lot, join AA and start a blog that you convince yourself is going to make you money someday. You die penniless and people come to your funeral but leave early because there isn't enough "Industry" there.
I love it out here.
Do you have a favorite up and coming comedian right now? No such thing as "up and coming" or "New" or overnight sensation" etc. New comics are rarely interesting and when they are it takes one who has integrity and good healthy anger to avoid the lure of selling out his talent before he becomes very good by just practicing his craft.
I like John Mulrooney a lot.
Please share your strangest "only in New York" story. I was walking through Tompkins Square Park in the 1980's with my brother and I heard a guy singing "If Life was but a dream (sha-boom)". His voice was so deep and resonant but I couldn't see where it was coming from. A few steps later I noticed a pair of legs sticking out of a steel garbage can. A homeless guy was searching for some food. And singing.
Only in fucking New York Kids.
Do you have a favorite spot to check out comedy when you're in town? I like the old comedy clubs: Comedy Cellar, The Comic Strip, Standup NY, Carolines.
A favorite restaurant? Used to like to eat at 2nd ave deli with my friend Michael O'Brien. (It closed).
I like La Caridad (Cuban food on w. 78th st near Standup NY) or H&H Bagles (2nd ave near The Comic Strip) or The Olive Tree (Upstairs form The Comedy Cellar).
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Friday, November 16, 2007
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The networks announced that they are launching nothing but Reality and Game Shows until the Strike is resolved. A friend from the Studios just faxed me a highly classified preview of what programs are being fast tracked into production for January:
1) "Surprise Funeral" A dead body is taken to a television studio and placed in a sealed coffin. The friends and family of the deceased are then invited to the studio not knowing who has died. The first person to guess who is in the coffin (No Peaking!) wins $50,000! You will see people frantically searching the room for loved ones only to be disappointed by locating them in the crowd. After an hour, the lid of the coffin springs open, the corpse pops up and the winner is crowned.
2) "Holey Cow!" A black curtain with a waist high hole hangs in the center of the stage. Male Contestants are told that on the other side of the hole is either their wife, Britney Spears or Livestock. 3 minutes into sodomizing the mystery opening the contestant must declare whom he believes he is inside of. Once answering, the curtain is pulled apart revealing who or what he is inside of. If the man was right, he gets $1,000,000. If he is wrong, he must stop fornicating and either: -Go to jail for performing lewd acts with an animal -Get divorced for having cheated on his wife with Brtiney Spears -Go home with his wife to face the consequences of having been unable to recognize her vagina.
3) "Green Card" Five smoking hot illegal immigrant women compete non-verbally (because none of them speak English) to land the affections (and marriage Visa) of a wealthy, overweight American. Only here's the catch; he HATES foreigners!
4) "Death Pool" Andy Dick, Courtney Love, Abe Vigoda and Elizabeth Taylor try desperately to stay alive. The estate of each person who dies is split among the remaining players until they are all gone and the fortune is awarded to Dick Clark.
5) "Irreconcilable Differences" Couples come in and compete for a free divorce. Judges decide who has the worst marriage based on testimony, video evidence and, in the final act, a drunken knife fight.
6) "Halfway House" Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Keifer Sutherland and 'Moondog', a fat 19 year-old thrown out of is Fraternity for alcohol abuse, live together in a house and fight to keep their sobriety. The house is stocked with bars, waitresses roam with trays of Jell-O shots and Britney sings Karaoke every morning at 7 AM. Once a housemate starts drinking, they do NOT leave the house. Last person sober wins $10,000 in credit at The Hard Rock Café Bar in Las Vegas.
7) "$10,000 in credit at The Hard Rock In Vegas" We watch the fun as the winner of "Halfway House" spirals out of control as he/she blows through their $10,000 Prize.
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Sunday, November 11, 2007
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- If we want to end this thing immediately, let's get the hair and makeup people to strike. Then we'll see how ugly Betty really is.
- I've seen a lot of writers praying to God in the last few days. The key to the Strike is getting him to stop writing all the reality shows.
- I saw a writer pay a cashier at Ralph's with a blank check. He told her he was on strike.
- The networks are starting to jones. Last night a Disney executive read Goodnight Moon to his daughter and then sent notes on it to Margaret Wise Brown. Told her the third act nearly put his 4-year-old to sleep.
- As I picketed The Ellen DeGeneres Show today it occurred to me that Ellen was on strike longer for "Iggy the Dog" than she was for her own writers.
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Saturday, November 10, 2007
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- There haven't been this many rich Jews doing laps since the Friars Club closed their swimming pool.
- Turns out that Halloween was the last chance for a lot of Hollywood actors to perform. I opened up my front door and there was a guy dressed as Charlie Sheen. Then I realized it was actually Emilio Estevez. For his sake I really hope this strike ends soon.
- Prepare to see a lot of writers, actors and directors standing around trying not to look 45. They will be going in circles, drinking coffee and complaining about trying to get the Producers to come to their senses. So it's business as usual.
- My son refused to do his homework last night. He said he was showing solidarity to the writers strike. The work eventually got done. Luckily my wife is a scab.
- Fox was forced to let its one writer go.
- This is the least attractive picket line in history. Hopefully the actors will strike soon to give us a facelift.
- The networks have concluded that the world doesn't need written material anymore. When you can see crotch shots of former musketeers and the trials of your favorite celebrities turned killers, why make stuff up? The Boston Red Sox winning a second World Series proved that life is funnier than anything we can script.
- I really hope there are no scab writers trying to cross the picket line. Nobody needs to see that kind of Nerd on Nerd violence: Two pasty fat guys slap fighting and screaming lines from Star Wars and Revenge of The Nerds.
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Friday, January 26, 2007
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My wife insists on watching the Evening news to make sure she is as worried as humanely possible about things that are out of her control.
The other night a mulatto newswoman with a crew cut and no accent or sexuality told us that a child born today will cost you over One Million Dollars to raise through college age. All women should be aware of this data to inform any big decisions they may be faced with in the coming year. Because no woman should have to walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung low feeling ashamed. After all, you just saved a Million Dollars! You should come out of there jumping up and down, pumping your fist. You're a winner!
My wife's other addiction is "American Idol". The genius of A.I. is that in this early part of the season, they show you thousands of complete losers. By the time you see the finalists, it seems as if they are talented by comparison. But it's not really about talent, is it? It's about good TV. They've got to fill all the character slots: The Military guy with one more chance before going off to battle, the overweight girl who's got soul, the clearly gay guy who sings about women and pretends to have a girlfriend cheering for him (who also sews sequins onto his jumpsuit), and of course the rebellious rocker who doesn't play by the rules (but does sign up for network reality shows).
Paula Abdul has gotten into a lot of trouble this season. First she appeared inebriated during some interviews. I don't blame her. If I knew I was about to sit through a month of watching mental patients sing Madonna's "Borderline", I might tip back a few cocktails as well. I'd have a crack pipe welded to my right hand. Fox claims it is a misunderstanding. The audio feed was off and she was just tired. I'm on board with that. If Fox says it's true, then it's true. This is Fox we're talking about people.
Paula also claimed that she sold over 50 million records, when in fact she has sold less than 30 million records. What she meant was that she personally sold another 20 million as a cashier at Tower Records before making her comeback on American Idol.
The worst thing to ever come across a television screen is "Deal or No Deal". If you are wondering why people are flying planes into our buildings, check out "Deal or No Deal" one night. It is everything that is wrong with this country. Fat people from the Mid-West stand on stage and turn down more money than they will ever see in their lives as their moronic families stand off stage and scream encouragements to them. "No deal" they scream defiantly. "Because I'm an American Godamnit! It is never enough! I deserve more!" In the background stand 26 bulimic coke whores who hold briefcases stuffed with cash. As each reveals the amount inside her case, she flashes a smug smile that says, "I've drank champagne worth more than this you wretched fatass."
If the producers of this show want to syndicate it, they will need to make it resonate with the rest of the world. They'll have to replace the coke whores with actual starving Third World Children clinging to the cash cases. Real starving kids; distended bellies, flies buzzing around their heads. When the talent-less, brain-dead Americans scream "No Deal" in the poor kids' faces, the children just weep and think, "That would have fed my entire village for a year".
Or they could keep the coke whores, but place mustard gas into one of the cases and just wait for the carnage. I think the rest of the world might get a kick out of watching lazy entitled morons and narcissistic models squirm around in their coughed up entrails. Zoom in on Howie Mandell trying to save his own ass by pulling a rubber glove over his face like he did 20 years ago when he still wasn't funny. But you can't Howie. It's too late. This ain't St. Elsewhere.
Thanks for reading my Blog all week. I hope I have made you all feel better about yourselves and America.
God Bless.
Greg
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Thursday, January 25, 2007
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My son is not circumcised. Shortly before he was born the A.M.A. announced they were no longer recommending the procedure. This has not influenced many parents who continue slicing a small piece of penis off their baby boys for no other reason than, "It's a tradition in our culture". Well, we used to sacrifice virgins too, but we stopped doing that. After all, once you kill the virgins, all you have left are the whores.
Another rationale you hear is, "His penis should look like his father's". That doesn't even make sense. That is admitting that you believe in genital plastic surgery so your kid's dick looks like Dads. Why? I don't think I ever saw my father's penis. Not flaccid, anyway. (Different Blog).
"But the other boys will tease him if he looks different!" Yes. But he can tease them right back for staring at another guy's junk. "Faggot" is a very powerful comeback for a 9 year old.
A waitress I met in Cleveland said I'd made a big mistake. She told me she'd been with a guy once who wasn't 'regular' and it was like (and I quote) "Ewww". I'm kind of hoping that Skank Bags like her are not part of my son's future. The kind of women who will be mad at me for not mutilating my son's genitals for their sucking pleasure.
And that is what it is, plain and simple, Genital Mutilation. There are dozen's of Human Right's Groups around the world who rightfully campaign to stop that from happening to girls in Africa, but right here it is dismissed as just the way things are done. Would you slice off a piece of Vagina? It is sick to even think about. Of course you wouldn't, because it is wrong. I mean, shave off the hair definitely; that stuff is nasty. But leave the poor vagina alone.
If you are going to chop something off your son, chop off an earlobe. He'll look like a badass when he gets older and it'll give him some character. And if the other kids are making fun of him because he is different, he can just say, "I lost my earlobe in a knife fight with a Doctor who was trying to hack my schlong. I see you've got your whole ear, so I guess he got yours."
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Wednesday, January 24, 2007
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Flying back from Ohio on Sunday I'm standing behind an Old Lady in the security line. As her one carry-on bag disappears into the X-Ray Machine, an alarm goes off and Airport Security jumps into action. Great, I thought, I'm stuck in line behind Osama Bin Laden's grandmother.
Her bag is quickly unzipped by an Air Cop revealing a furry white cat. I'm not sure what the old lady is thinking. It clearly states that the x-rays will damage your film, but it should be fine for Kitty? Then I thought, maybe the cat is sick and the little old lady couldn't afford Radiation Treatments, so she's been taking him to the airport a few times a week.
As I trudge toward my gate, I'm wearing an Ohio State University sweatshirt. It was given to me after my show the night before. A guy walks past me, looks me right in the eye and says, "Go Bucks." I have no idea what he was talking about. This happens three or four more times before I finally snap and say, "What the hell are you talking about?" Turns out The Ohio State Buckeyes are the #1 College Football team in the country. I know nothing about college football, but go from annoyed to kind of happy that I am being associated with winners. It doesn't bother me that people are literally cheering for a garment I am wearing. Or that I know absolutely nothing about college football. I am being treated like a winner, and I don't get that a lot. I start saying it back, "Go Bucks!"
You don't get this reaction from people for other things you might wear. Nobody walks past a woman wearing a cross around her neck and says, "Go Christ". I've never seen a girl in a Hooters T-shirt and been motivated to scream in her face, "Go Titties!" Although the next time I see a guy in Khaki pants, an oxford short and a red bowtie, I will get right in his face, do a salute straight out of the Third Reich and yell, "Go right wing Christian agenda!"
I finally board the plane and secretly snap a shot of the woman sitting next to me and upload it to my computer. I then spend the rest of the flight photo-shopping it to look like she and I are in bed together with an empty bottle of Jack nestled between us. I casually leave the computer facing her as I make a trip to the restroom. When I return, she is softly weeping and won't make eye contact. Guess she's not a Buckeye fan.
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