... is "insidious"
 
as in: "... the insidous accumulation from days of light snow"
or: "... the insidious slowing of production because the capper is going too slowly"
or even: " ... the insidious way countless undealt-with stresses can turn you into an edgy ball of nerves" 
 
Oh, and I'm looking forward to having a new president in a few hours.  Here's hoping security is tight!
 

Musings while eating cereal (in water, of course):
~Having recently finished putting the rest of my CD's on my comp, I realize how my tastes have evolved over the years.  There are many styles and sounds I've branched out to include as a favorite, but some things have remained solid:
-I adore the sound of pipe organs, accordion, bagpipes, cacaphony, and distorted, synthesized vocals.
-Lots of 'ethnic' or 'period' music moves me to dance, like tribal, celtic, salsa, zydeco, klesmer, polka, jazz, swing, and lindy hop.  :D 
-MOST of my favorite music is in a minor key.  I have nothing AGAINST major keys, per se, but I'm more drawn to minor-keyed music
-Not gonna lie, most of the Walt Disney Greatest Hits albums are up there in terms of what makes me smile as well.  Such good memories, and some decent tunes, too.  Particularly "I Wanna Be Like You" from the Jungle Book, "Tapestry of Nations" from the WDW Millenium Celebration Soundtrack, and the best by far, "The Haunted Mansion Theme" (incorporting pipe organ, minor key AND cacaphony!  woot!) .
~After having fun with Barb learning the first part of the burlesque routine (and dancing Flamenco for the first time in ages to warm up), I realize that I really DO enjoy dancing and making my body look good moving.  Or just going crazy and not caring what I look like. Both are good.  :P
~And after exercising for over 2 1/2 hours today, and the peace, calm, and centering that came afterward ... I wish I could do that much everyday.  I feel like a million bucks, albeit my legs are actually slightly SWOLLEN from all of it at once.
~I need to hold people to the standards I hold myself to.  Granted, very few people who I love even come close to those, but I've been giving people slack in more ways than I should be, and losing conviction in the process.  More to perfect, indeed.  :P
 
Hehe ... realized I didn't even post this when I wrote it.  Guess I'll just post it now.

It never fails to surprise me how music moves me.  Old friends - missed, without even knowing how much - that show up on the front porch.  This time around, I'm finishing up importing all of my CD's onto my computer, and I cross a mix CD that I received as a wedding favor in 2004.  The song I forgot about is "This Year's Love" by David Gray.  When I first heard that song, and then was subsequently at that wedding, I had been with the same person for quite a while ... so the song had very little meaning to me.

Hearing it now, and thinking of waves of relationships past and present, it hit so much more closely to home.  Like a new friend, even. :D

This Year's Love
David Gray

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.
Turnin' circles time again
Cut like a knife, oh now
If you love me got to know for sure
Cuz' it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on
Won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last, whoa
This years love had better last. .. -->Lyrics End-->
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Here it is, the moment you've all been ...well, not really thinking much about at all: my recap of 2008 and plans for 2009!

 

WORK: Still a pharmie.  Still a Weggie.  Simply put, it's the same crap, different day.  Since that drives me a bit batty, I've gone to my manager and have put additional projects on my plate.  I hope they develop into good launching points for even more 2009 projects

VACATION TIME: aka, 'not work.' Visited the sis in Orlando in January and in August, and I picked my arse up and went back to Rome at the beginning of February (it's funny to watch the Super Bowl in Italian! :P), and thought I never wanted to leave.  Roma, I love you (Snowman, I love you, too, and can't wait to see you HERE in a few months)!  But since I'd like to make a little more headway on paying some things down, I don't foresee a trip back to Europe this year (though I'm craving another, new adventure like you can't imagine).  A cruise would be an ideal compensation, since I'm already a few months behind on my cruise-every-two-years schedule, and I yearn for the scent of the tropical ocean.  Maybe I'll go on a short one, 3-4 days or so ... maybe even get JB to go with. ;)
I'd also like to make 2009 the year I learn to ski, so that could be part of time-off planning as well!  As JB pointed out to me, my fear of heights could be an issue ... but I'm all for conquering fears, anyway. 

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW: I look back on all the new stuff in my life this year, and it really added up!  Check it out:
Old Phone: LG Cherry Chocolate; New Phone: Apple iPhone (STILL can't put it down!)
Old Home: Springville Ave, Amherst; New Home: Henley Road, Buffalo
Old Skin Art: NONE; New Skin Art: "HBFSCO" on the belly, done Feb 6th (while in Rome, by Viola Von Hell :D), and my Rose, done behind the ear along the hairline on Nov 1st (Tattoos by Tana, done at the former Art-N-Body).
Old Vehicle: '06 Ford Mustang Coupe (blue); New VehicleS: '09 Subaru Forester (black) AND an '09 Ducati Monster696 (matte black)
Old Hair: Maria's 'trademarked,' "Cherrybomb"-nickname-inducing red; New Hair: Freakin' sweet black

NEW ADDITIONS TO MY MAD SKILLS: ~I finally took the MSF motorcycle class this spring, and am now, ahem, a motorcycling mamma (gad, I hate that term).  ~I also, after 21 years of refusing to conquer my fear of riding a bicycle, I got myself a Trek FX 7.2 WSD and have clocked over 500 miles for the year.  Oh, and I happen to LOVE riding it, but am quickly discovering that I think I'll outgrow it this year.  No matter, it was worth it, physically and mentally, to start that habit.  ~I took a pole dancing class, and by the last class, felt really sexy doing it. ~One more thing: I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em.

PHYSICAL: Getting on the scale this morning, hehehhehehhe ..... I weigh EXACTLY what I weighed on New Year's last year.  Not quite what I'm going for, but after a bit of a swing up this holiday season (I allowed myself just too much indulgence from Thanksgiving on), a year of holding steady isn't really bad at the age of nearly 32.  More importantly, I did the 30 mile Ride for Roswell in June, I can do 3 pull-ups (I know I'll hit 5 by my bday, which is a huge goal of mine), 30 non-girly push-ups (in a row), I've improved my yoga postures significantly, and I can row on the ergometer for 2 hours straight at full-fan, 30 strokes per minute (basically, if we're abandoning a sinking ship, you'll want to hand the oars of the raft to me :P).

HEALTH: I've all but knocked my asthma, taking my preventive meds only one puff twice a week (instead of twice daily).  It only seems to be triggered by an excess of allergen in the air, but never by physical activity anymore.  On the other hand (pun intended), I think I'm manifesting Raynaud's, but that has yet to be determined.

LOVE:  With anything worth doing, there are challenges, and JB and I have our good moments and our 'bah' moments.  At times, I felt like I was on an self-inflicted emotional roller coaster (see previous blogs).  There's stuff to work on still, for sure; but this year, a bit after I got back from Rome in February, I started to let my heart feel more for him.  I'm glad I did, because it has grown.  He's been a positive influence in many ways, and I feel stimulated by him.  The 'event' that showed the most to me was that I was pursued by another man this summer, but all I could think was, "he's not JB, and that's who my heart wants." I have to take one big step in 'letting go' with him (and if anyone can appreciate my somewhat weird thoughts in that arena, I have a feeling it will be him), and we can then see who WE are. No matter what there is to work on, I know this: a random text or IM from him always makes me smile; an unexpected touch from him sends electricity thru my skin; and when he holds me, I am right where I want to be.  Yeah, I love him.

GOALS FOR 2009:

This is fairly simple: my resolution is to not waste a day, to do at least something productive for some aspect of my life every day of this year. Whether I conquer a fear or finish the chess book, if it improves my body, mind, finances, etc, it's productive.

Others, in list form:

~Only eat food not prepared by me if it's in a restaurant with other people (translation: no take-out at lunch.  It's a waste of money, anyway).
~DO what I'm THINKING when I'm with JB ... which means his Bday could be really fun, heh heh heh ....
~The 60 mile Ride For Roswell.  I definitely can.
~ZERO soda.  It's pointless anyway, and shouldn't be that hard.
~Pay down a large chunk of non-house debt.

Seeing that I've been trying to kick a 3-different-micro-brews-and-champagne-induced headache-gone-migraine all day, I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. 

Either way, 2008 was transitory and overall good.  Here's to you, 2009!

I was only able to stomach 3 pieces of sushi after work today, even though I was starving from a long (record-breaking ... again ...) work day, and I hadn't eaten since 2pm (and I'm trying to get the metabolism back UP!!). Hmmm. ... weird ...

That's the weird part, but preamble to what, you ask?  To the year in review, and the goals for next year.  That's tomorrow or Wednesday. 

 

Right now, after successfully dl'ing the complete discography of Splashdown, I remembered how I incessantly listened to this song (from the moment it was released until about 3 years later), and I wanted to share it with you:

Ironspy

 

As an adjunct to that, I love Flightless Bird, American Mouth , but it's because it is a standard, slow-dancy tune .... with words that don't really FIT the tune (it's a lament about a failed America).  And, honestly, when else will you be able to sing the words, "warm, poison rats" and it still sound so lovey-dovey?  Yep, I STILL wanna slow-dance to it.  :P

 

Flightless Bird, American Mouth

I was a quick, wet boy diving too deep for coins
All of your street-light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long, baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you, flightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you american mouth, big pill looming?

Now I'm a fat housecat nursing my sore, blunt tongue
Watching the warm, poison rats curl thru the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos those fishing lures 
Thrown in the cold and clean Blood-of-Christ mountain stream.

Have I found you, flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you american mouth, big pill stuck going down?

Interesting Christmas Eve and Day I just had! Some highlights/factoids:


~I got the pedals for my bicycle! It should be interesting to be physically attached to my Trek when I spin the wheels now. At least I'll have all winter to get used to the feeling.

~Some other gifty high points: a copper-clad pot (!!!), a new knife sharpener (my knives are already thanking me), a sweet ring I was eyeing up, and the warmest jacket I've ever had the priviledge to don!

~Christmas Eve's "appetizer" dinner went well: I made 4 dishes, and my bro, sis and mom each made 1 item, for QUITE the filling din din!

~After 3 days in a row of my fingers turning death-white or bruise-blue (oh man, you should've seen my right hand in church! it was grrrrross!), I'm now over 95% sure I'm experiencing Raynaud's Syndrome (just look at the pictures, and you'll get a feel for what my hands are doing, albeit to a lesser degree. still ... eww.). Which means I'm really gonna HAVE to go to the doctor, and probably get put on meds (don't get me started on how AGAINST taking most medicine I am). The only positive I can see coming from this is that my hands, feet and nose may not be perpetually, and truly painfully, freezing cold for much longer.

~We are all very, VERY different people in my immediate family, which can be cause for a bit of stress (someone pour me a scotch!). But that's why I live on my own and do my own thing ... I like my life better than their life, overall. They can do what they will, and I respect that. But I don't have to do or be the way that they are. THANK GOD! :P

~My dog is truly a wuss. A 3.5 pound cat scared him to death. It was almost funny to see.

~I wanted to stop over for 10 minutes and surprise JB with his Christmas presents tonight, after getting home and noticing him logged in online. But, when I got there, I either: 1) couldn't get the doorbell to ring, which seems to be a gift of mine, or 2) he was already sleeping/trying to sleep. Either way, the random surprise visit backfired, and I was a bit sad I couldn't give him his gifts in the spur-of-the-moment way like that. Ah well. Next time.

~~****Apparently, the bird is the word. Thanks to Little Brother, and Peter Griffin, for making "Surfin' Bird" the rough equivalent to a Christmas Carol this year. See below, for your viewing pleasure (specifically from the 4:00-5:00 minute mark):







Glad to be home, it's seeeeeepy time! Oh, and Merry Christmas everyone!

The beginning of December seems to always be an eventful time for me.  Today brought back a good memory.

 

One year ago TODAY, I was in the heart of Paris, near Notre Dame cathedral ... immersed in the French culture, and acting so French myself that I could have laughed at myself.  I was with 2 French men (Raphael and Thomas "Pepere") and a French woman (how terrible is it that I forgot Pepere's girlfriend's name?), asked my first French question in that city of one of those men ("Est-ce qu'il neige a Paris?" I asked Pepere), and visited Notre Dame in the bitter cold rain of that day.  We sucked down some hot chocolates (a cappucino for myself; I had said drink practically flowing through my veins at that point in time, having spent 4 days in Rome previous to my Paris visit) at an adorable cafe.  We soon decided we were sick of being drenched, as none of us were really loving having to look up into the huge raindrops to take in the city's sights. 

We then spent the early evening taking turns in front of the radiator in Pepere's flat, trying our best to dry off.  The process of going from soaked to uncomfortably damp still took hours, and we were all just freezing unless we were right by the radiator.  Pepere had a great plan .... let's get drunk!  Hahaha ... we went down the 3 stories of gorgeous marble stairs to street level, where a wine shop was the next door over (such luck I thought I could only have hoped for).  We bought 3 bottles of wine for the 4 of us, the most expensive of which cost no more than 4 Euros.  We went 2 more doors over and stopped at a bakery to get a baguette the length of Pepere's leg (and he's a tall man!).  Being unabashedly Parisian, Pepere and his girlfriend already had 4 cheeses in their fridge, waiting to be enjoyed. 

We returned to the flat and ate cheese and bread, drank all of the wine, smoked some non-tobacco goodness .... and listened to Saint-Saens (Pepere and I bonded over the 3rd Symphony, which we hummed together as we listened to it), modern jazz, and even a live concert from Pepere and his girlfriend on the accordian and clarinet, respectively.  We talked, both sides, in mixed French and English.  I was even given a children's book, that I have still, to help me learn French more quickly.  We hugged, we argued, and we laughed incessantly.  Hours of chill faded quickly with the warmth of friendship and wine.   

I layed down next to my dear friend Raphael on Pepere's futon, and as we were hugging and sniggering and drifting off to sleep, I was hoping I would remember that day in Paris, even though I did not see all that much of the city.  
Little did I know at the time that it was the people I was with that made an indelible memory.

Ah, Paris .....

I love I love I love ....

... my new fingerless gloves (yeah, rockin' it a bit homeless-style, but I finally found something that keeps my hands relatively warm at work, so kudos!).
... my iPhone, because I'm acting like a little boy who just discovered his wing-wang: I can't stop playing with it!
... Metropark, for giving me about 15 ideas for wardrobe accent pieces (but I'd only get 3-4, tops, or else I'd just look like a poser :P).
... turkey bacon and Total and pre-portioned frozen veggies and dark chocolate squares (for slowly melting in my mouth).
... iron tea pots and copper cookware and J.A. Henckels' knives
... black diamonds. Wow!
... Pandora internet radio ... I can't believe I'd never heard of it before last weekend!!
... my new body oil, which triggers memories of St. John's Island, and therefore has meant 3 days of constant smiles in a row.
... bicycling in my living room.  You read that right.
... when JB cuddles with me.  My purring is practically audible.
... my doggie, and his constant outpouring of that unconditional love!
... Victoria's Secret's "Sexy Little Things" panties.  Pretty much all of them, ideally in black with pink detailing. They are hot AND cute AND feel great.  I particularly like the kind that lace up the back .... just awesome! :D

I really don't like ....

... salt.  Had too much on some food today, and after 3 bites, I could chow no further and I felt my tongue shrivel up like a slug.
... that I feel it's taking a great deal of effort to get into the holiday spirit this year.  No music is doing it for me, and I'm forcing myself to decorate.
... that I'm looking at a few unaccomplished goals for the year.  Yes, I have a month left, but I don't think it's all going to happen THAT quickly.
... working every night.  Less chance to hang with JB during any given week.  Less chance to do ANYTHING social during any given week. Grrr.
... that milk is trying to fight me as I reintroduce it into my diet.  The lactose is giving me tummy grumblies.  Mental note: no milk for at least 3 days before my party!!!

~Got my first haircut in about 6 months today.  Decided at the very end to have some distinct bangs trimmed in.  Glad I did - they rock the ponytail hardcore. Betty Page, eat your heart out.

~The Cabernet that JB and I drank last weekend is actually worth a damn good amount of money ... looking around, I saw prices ranging from $50-$90 for that bottle.  Go me for picking the right vintage to cellar!  :P

~Heard the first "Christmas carol" of the season while I stopped in at the mall today (ugh, won't be doing that unless absolutely necessary for the remainder of the season - nutjobs are out in full force.).  It was John Denver and the Muppets, "It's in Everyone of Us."  I ADORE that song (in part because it's not TOO Christmas-y).  I take this as a good sign for the season.

~"Twilight" the movie is just NOT "Twilight" the book.  Pity.  Guess I'll reread the book if I want to experience the tingles again (really).  Robert Pattinson better try harder as Edward if they make "New Moon" (he's got hottie potential at his ripe old age of 22 ... I see him peaking in sexiness between 30-35).  The highlight for me: the flat-out, chiseled beauty of Carlisle, as played by Peter Facinelli (ask Barb ... I actually pitter-pattered out loud!). *swoon*

~Had a French 'snack' with a CS'er in town from Bayonne, France (I got to talk southern France and heavy metal - in broken French - with him!) and his hosts.  Cheese, bread, some fruit and, of course, wine.  It was tasty (mmmm ... have I sung the praises of Roquefort recently?  damn, that's the shiz-nit), but I am still feeling like I have a cheesy brick in my tum-tum, 5 hours later.

~I absolutely kicked ass for the last 2 nights on my bike (now mounted in my living room on a CycleOps Fluid2 Trainer ... and a phone book ... :P).  Did an hour each night; a quality hour, not a going-thru-the-motions hour.  Satisfying and cathartic. Taking tonight off in the hopes of kicking arse again tomorrow.

~Hot baths that smell good are my number one favorite indulgence as of late.  I've taken 3 in the last 8 days, complete with spa-like music.  It's inspiring me to take down the nasty wallpaper in the bathroom and finish it in an uber-chic, spa-like way.  We'll see how that goes.

~My parents are getting a cat from my sister (Orlando's own personal Dr. Doolittle) during the holidays.  A male.  My mom was bouncing a billion names off me in the last 2 days, when I just all of a sudden came up with "Frank" today.  Funny at first, of course, but then my sister called my mom and said, "Frank" as well today.  Frank it is. 

 

I feel ready.  For what, who knows? 
I also feel damn sexy today.

Good day it is. :D

I left the window open when I went to work today, the 65+ degree day promising to refresh the air indoors. Because the day was so clear, the temperature dropped dramatically by the time I walked back into my home at around 10:15pm this evening. It was dead chilly inside.

I decided to put on a set of flannel pj's to make my reading-then-sleep-time extra cozy. I dug deep into my pj drawer and picked the light blue, winter-sports Mickey Mouse pj's that I have owned for about 8 years now. It had been quite some time since I had worn them. They are a size large, and donning them made me wonder how or why I was EVER able to justify purchasing that size. That was the past. The present reflection in the full-length mirror just made me snigger at the ocean of excess fabric around my body. Not remotely sexy; yet, within minutes, I knew it was the exact degree of cozy I was going for. I propped up my pillow and sat in bed, preparing to delve much farther into "Eclipse" than was healthy in one sitting, as I had the previous two tomes in the Twilight series.

And something distracted me. Something familiar, yet far away. For a few minutes, I couldn't put my finger on it, but it kept my attention from being completely rapt by the book (not an easy task with this series!). I finally closed the book after only the first chapter, took a deep breath, and realized what the distraction was.

Why does smell have to be the sense that is linked unbreakably to memory??

I sniffed the pajamas. I sniffed again, hard. Then I just held the sleeve to my nose and closed my eyes for one brief moment ...

... It must have been years since I have worn these pajamas. At least 4, in fact, though, initially, I would have ventured it to have been longer. At first, I could have sworn the smell reminded me of my first home ... the 1888 Victorian in Pittsford Village. I remember smelling that smell there. Yet, the scent was also intertwined with my memory of the second home in Grand Island. I couldn't distinguish the two homes in this memory. What was it about this that was bothering me so much?

And then it dawned on me .... this is what laundry smelled like when I was with him. And where else is one surrounded by the scent of fresh laundry than when laying in bed with fresh sheets on it, covered and cozy, and utterly content. This is the scent my mind had associated (without my permission) with going to sleep and waking up next to him.

I smelled the sleeve again, harnessed to the memory. It wasn't painful, yet it wasn't happy. If anything, it was neutral, with momentary tendencies toward melancholy and wistful. So much has changed since I last washed these pajamas. It was a completely different life back then. I was a wife and was thinking of becoming a mother. I sewed curtains for most rooms of the house. I enjoyed the idea of cooking dinner for two when our schedules permitted such. I very much liked the idea of cuddling next to someone when falling asleep.

I now sleep alone.
I cook for one.
I am no one's wife, and am farther from becoming a mother than I ever thought I would be at 31.
I haven't used the sewing machine in ages.
It's a completely different life than I had pictured for myself the last time I smelled this scent. But this life is currently lived for me, more than I ever did in my entire existence beforehand.

No regrets. Only reminiscence of my former life.

But the pj scent swirls in my nose again, and reminds me that I'm tired of feeling lonely when there is no one to cuddle next to. Reminds me that I miss feeling like I am sharing my life completely with someone.
And then reminds me of how far I've come, how strong I really am, and how much in love, mind and heart I have to offer.

So I think I'll keep these pj's on for the night to work the memory out of them.



Tomorrow: laundry.




.