Today, Labor Day 9/7/09, I was asked to join forces with Jammin’ Jay on her online radio show “LADIES OF ..ISIS..” to pay a musical tribute to all of the heroes and unfortunate victims of the senseless tragedy that occurred on 9/11/01. Together Jammin’ Jay, SuMaru and me, BIG Bad Bob, did a two hour show remembering that horrific day and the effect it had on not only New York, Pennsylvania and Washington D.C., but on the entire world. We would love for you to take the time to listen in and share this experience with us, and to tell others. Together we share our thoughts and remembrances with all of you. This show was conceived by Jay, along with her appropriate and very tasteful musical selections. Please find the time to lend an ear. It will be broadcast on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, from 12 Noon to 2PM this week and next.  Just go to www.isisradio.net and click on the “PLAY” button.  The player will open in a separate window that you can leave open on your desktop as you do whatever else you do.

BIG Bad Bob SNOW NEWS IS "BAD" NEWS!           

When I was a musician, I spent most of my time on the road.  Our agents weren't Rocket Scientists, in fact they put the capital "P" in PUTZ!  Every summer they had us working in southern tropical climates and every winter they found us work in sub-zero "Nanook-of-the-North-land!" We always knew when we got to the gig from the stalactite-icicles hanging from our nostrils!....

            There was that time they picked one of the coldest years on record to have us work ALL of the ..New England.. states. I recall going to a restaurant in ....Vermont...., where I actually saw my breath while ordering breakfast, and that was indoors.  It was freeeezing!  The club had topless dancers.  They weren't naked; it's just that their HEADS SNAPPED OFF FROM THE COLD!  These five foot seven, balding, eyeglass wearing, cigar chomping blobs of ecto-plasmic money machines known as AGENTS were only concerned with making their commissions, and not with our welfare or comfort.....

             One January, they booked us in ....Colorado Springs.....  It was beautiful country, but all it did was snow!  I LOVED seeing the snowcaps on the ..Rockies.., HATED seeing them on us!  After a month and a half, our three-vehicle convoy was headed east toward the BIG APPLE, where we had a one-nighter at a major hotel, then it was "North to ....Toronto....".....

            In spite of the fact that one of our equipment trucks blew an engine doing 115 mph while out running a TORNADO in KANSAS!...and having to trade it in for an older van that was nothing more than ugly "POP-ART" on wheels!...and even with a little set-back, getting that speeding ticket that I picked up in Pennsylvania!...where I had to appear before the Justice of the Peace!...we still managed to do the two thousand-mile trip in sixty hours.  Oh did I mention that somewhere in ....Indiana.... we picked up a traveling companion…a major BLIZZARD!!  In spite of this, we still made good time going through New Jersey up until we exited the Lincoln Tunnel on the New York side into the worst mish-mosh I've ever experienced.  There were unshoveled streets, snowdrifts and abandoned cars everywhere.  The normally twenty minute trip from the tunnel to my place in ....Astoria.... took four and a half-hours.  It took another three days to get clearance from "Triple A" to make our trip to ....Canada...., through even more intense snowstorms.  I guess that was when snow ceased to be cute to me.  Now I hate it!....

            Forget the fact that ever since I was a kid, I was the "DESIGNATED SHOVELER!"  I'm in favor of shoveling all of the snow into huge dumpsters and sending it to "CURRIER AND IVES!" If they insist on romanticizing the stuff and putting it on the Christmas cards every year, let them have it!....

            I remember the year I was covering for a DJ on WGLI and doing the weather report on his morning show.  I said, "Good news people, we won't be getting that snow storm after all.  Instead, it'll be partly cloudy and in the thirties."  A few minutes later they get a call from a guy, who says, "You tell that jerk on the radio, that right now I'm shoveling about three inches of partly cloudy out of my driveway.  And every once in awhile, he should get off his big fat chair and look out a window!"....

            What I want to know is what was this past crazy snow-season all about? First it's going to snow, then it's not going to snow. Do I wear the boots? or do I not wear the boots? And just when you think it's safe to go shopping, more snow-induced hazardous driving conditions!  I was so confused I almost got a group to go out "Easter-Caroling!"....

            Now that it's over, I'm left with enough sand in front of my house to build a BEACH!  The good news is that in spite of it all, my tulips are coming up.... The bad news is, they have pneumonia!....

BIG Bad Bob

Medications, which are allowed to advertise on TV with commercials, admitting that they may have damaging side effects? You solve one medical problem by taking meds that may create more??? Taking this may cause vomiting and diarrhea, humming out of tune, speaking in tongues????....

“What’s up with that?”....

.. ..

You sit down to eat dinner, turn on the boob tube only to be invaded by the Mucinex ‘BOOGER-BIKERS!’ Those gross snots on motorcycles talking about the benefits of dealing with stuffy noses! Yucko!....

“What’s up  with that?”....

.. ..

And then there’s ALL those ANTI- DEPRESSION drugs with such horrifying side effects, any one of which would make you wish you were dead! Kind of counterproductive!....

What’s up with that?....

.. ..

I heard a rumor that Michael Phelps, due to the loss of alot of his endorsements, has decided to come out with his own line of percussion instruments….“BONG-gos”....

Give the drummer some!....

We KNOW What’s up  with that!!!!....

BIG Bad Bob

Remember those college parties, those fraternity "blow-outs" where you got so blitzed, you didn't remember a thing you did or said, and wouldn't believe what anyone told you until the pictures came back from the drug store?  In those photos you were wearing a house dress, brown socks and flip-flops, slow dancing with Frieda the girls wrestling coach, and sporting albino devil ears on your head that you made by emptying an entire carton of Cool Whip in your hair.?  And what about the next day when Frieda grabs you in the hall way and plants a big wet one on your lips and says, "Yes, Liebchen, even though there's a twenty nine year difference between us, I vill divorce Otto and marry you....and I do promise to spank you when you're bad!"....

            Do you find yourself longing for those days?  Are you toying with the idea of trading in the station wagon and taking out an equity loan so you can buy a Corvette or Porsche?  Do you find yourself hovering around the "GRECIAN FORMULA" display at the drug store or paying close attention to those "HAIR CLUB FOR MEN" commercials?  Then I don't know how to break it to you Tarzan, but you appear to be going through your (echo) "MIDLIFE CRISIS"!     The "OH NO, LIFE IS PASSING ME BY" phase of your existence!  You are in your "I-gotta-do-all-the-things-I-haven't-done-I'll-show-them-I'm-not-getting-older!" mode!....

            So now you find yourself signing up for sky-diving lessons, bungie-jumping, roller-blading, body building, slam and break dancing instructions (which are passé) and walking around giving everyone the thumbs up sign and calling them "DUDE".  Calm down Sparky!  This ain't your generation and you're embarrassing your kids!!

            Lets be logical about this.  First of all, you didn't get this far being careless or stupid, did you?  Parachutes are considered EMERGENCY equipment, and were designed to help save you if you're in a plane that's in trouble and you have no other choice but to jump!  Unless you're a trained airborne type soldier and are getting paid for it, why would you deliberately jump from a plane?  And bungie-jumping, think about it....you're jumping off of a bridge and risking your life to be nothing more than a screaming and kicking, human YO-YO!  What's the point?  And break dancing?  If I'm going to get a rug burn on my back, it ain't going to be from BREAK DANCING!  As for roller blading, if you can stay up on those things and not break any of your body parts, more power to you.  The body building thing... you saw what it did for Dr. Frankenstein.  With the villagers and their torches, you'll never get another nights sleep....he wasn't a very popular man.....

            Do what I do.  Live for the moment.  What's the big deal?  So you're getting older.  Consider the alternative.  However, if you really want to do something different, take up Yoga, or transcendental meditation.  These are things that will be useful in your future, so you can learn to put yourself in a trance and ignore pain.  You see Mother Nature has a little surprise in store for you.  Just as you are getting over your midlife crisis, your Soul Mate will be entering her change of life, and now you'll really be playing with "FIRE"!   ....

.

BIG Bad Bob!... 

While playing with my slinky....

My dad gave me a winky...

He made me pull his pinkie...

And than he did a stinky!...

.. ..

And then as I got older...

He got a little bolder....

He’d bounce me on his knees...

And than he’d cut the cheese!...

.. ..

He took me to his work-place...

And the redness on his face...

Meant he could not rescind...

That he just broke some wind!...

.. ..

My old man was the master...

With his “retro-hiney-blaster”...

He could peel the freakin’ plaster...

With his butt-bombs of disaster!...

.. ..

All alone or in a crowd...

Whether silent or out loud...

He could clear a crowded room...

With a pppfftt... or with a boom!....

.. ..

Whether up or lower classes...

He could fog up all their glasses...

And nauseate the masses...

With a medley of his gasses!...

.. ..

Though he put the “p” in pop...

Which caused several men to drop...

He’s a man who has a heart...He’s just a lovable “old fart

BIG Bad Bob

The other day I was talking to somebody and mentioned Woolworths! She looked at me and asked “What’s a Woolworths?” I answered it’s not ‘A’ Woolworths, it’s just plain Woolworths!” She had a puzzled look on her face, so I owed it to her to explain that it was a Primo 5&10 cent store. “What’s a 5&10 cent store? Why would anyone want to own a 5&10 cent store for? Is there anything that costs a nickel or a dime?” I went on to tell her that at one time you could ride a bus or a subway for a nickel or a dime…buy a Coke for five or ten cents, comic books candy, there was a lot of stuff, but now a nickel or a dime is a down payment on a quarter and that isn’t worth all that much! Woolworths was more than a store, it was a family tradition. Sort of like a ‘Wal-Mart lite!’ There were stores in most communities. Where, for not too much money you could buy almost anything you needed, and could sit at a counter and take a break for a lunch you could afford. Mac & cheese, tuna clubs, hot dogs, affordable comfort food. I don’t know of anybody who has a bad thing to say about Woolworths and doesn’t miss them! They were a cross between Wal-Mart & CVS, Rite aid, Walgreens only with out prescription drugs. I worked there as a kid and got a common sense business education you couldn’t get in school. I still use that knowledge today! I think in today’s economy, Wal-Mart should put some smaller neighborhood stores back into the communities. Maybe call them Wal-worths?!?!?! Let me know if you agree with me that…WE NEED ANOTHER WOOLWORTHS!....

BIG Bad Bob

THE MIME!. ..

I thought that I’d cut through the park

So I could save some time...

But was blocked by a white-faced, red lipped yuk,

I think he’s called a ‘Mime!”

.. ..

He seemed trapped inside an imaginary box,

It was made entirely of glass,

I moved left than right, but so did he,

He was a real pain in the ass!

.. ..

He made believe he drank some tea,

And then he ate some tarts...

He then took out a red balloon,

It’s where he keeps his SILENT FARTS!

.. ..

He went up and down imaginary stairs,

And leaned on imaginary walls...

He wouldn’t let me get past him,

He just kept busting balls!

.. ..

He smiled and frowned jumped up and down,

The turd thought he was funny,

He was looking for a gratuity,

So I gave him “imaginary money!”