your sleeping, not even an arms length away. to worn out by my affections to stay awake i dont mind watching you dream. i run my finger along the line of your chin and you let out a drawn breath. your hair draped carelessly arcoss your chest testing my restraint. a picture to haunt me if you leave. but i dont think you will. here tonight, i believe for the first time, in forever. so little time for love to blossem. did you know you whispered it to me while you were sleeping. i dont think you do, because i said it back, the truth. how long will you walk beside me. a better question how long with i walk beside you. i dont know what the future bring anymore. but i can guess, and what i guess at makes me happy. for the first time in a long time. i'm truely happy, and content. i love you.

i see me standing there. in my perfect uniform, with my prim folds and cresis, with my freshly shaved face. standing there the picture of perfection. "YES SARGENT" i say with confidence. my head held high and my shoulders ever slightly pulled back. i am the soilder that everyone looks to for the example of what to do. always finacially secure and never having to second guess my own actions i stride forward with pride in myself because i know that i have achieved, and will achieve every goal that is set before me.

i will never be that person. lost in my own mind i have to struggle with my own thoughts of misdirection. i dont even know what i want. crying myself to sleep because i dont know what the future holds but i know that i wont care to do any of it. why do i know myself so well. i wish i didnt, the false hope that i could have wouldnt be sqandered in my meaningless actions. in an instant i create a world. the perfect world where i'm not lost. where i care and continue forward through my own impulses. i saw today my own actions and the ripples they cause in the lifes of the people of my pond. a splash here, a drownt being laying on the coast.

some times i want to scream at myself. so frustrated i am with myself. i want things to be better. but at the same time i know that my what i can do and what i will do is vastly differnt from each the other.

but mostly i cry...because i understand...no matter how hard i try...no matter what i do...no matter how far i go...i'll never be happy

i lost myself somewhere. i feel it though, i'm locked away clawing at the flesh prison i've built around myself. absently not even trying, passion has escaped me long ago. passion for life, living, bettering myself. apathy is a cruel torment when you place it upon a restless soul. needing something to scrape into the back of my eye lids, but lacking the motivation to find a word to carve. i always wonder where i'm going and for what purpose. blindly stubbling forward into a haze of empty excusses. will it be around the next corner. how many turns will it take to find. what direction do i have to travel. is it even worth the trip. mindlessly grow-ping at door handles finding what lies behind each one in turn. another forsaked shell, crawling through the muk to a light that is never really birght enough. never really as comforting as the swirl every consuming my wondering mind. how many lifes have flashed into my existence just to be squashed by a ever present lack of enthusiasum. and there it is, a solid fact thrust into my face. an insane babbaling rolling in my head about something "more". when is it enough to say no. when is it understood by the things that cast itself in light by their own willingness to submit. random clouds, falling tear drops, enough so tiny explostions light the senses. a knife cutting through butter just to spread on a piece of bread the butter never questioned it purpose. where is my knife.

so i understand now, whats wrong with me. why i cant ever seem to be normal, why i cant seem to be accepted by everyone. its because i think i'm better than everyone else. its because when i look at people all i think is that they are beneath me. but i realized today when i woke up, that it me that is beneath everyone else. by status, my father is in jail, an acholholic, his thrid strike, he'll be in jail for a long time. my mother, is somewhat respectable, she has a steady job, and, she's had that job for a while. except i disowned her because of the embarssment that was given to me when she chose liquir over her son. i'd love to say that i could fall back on my grandparnets like so many other have. but they were taken by cancer. my friends were all i had to fall back on, and my own jealousy caused that last repreve to come crashing down. my own lack of discipline, made it to were i had no job, and live off of my friend like a parasite. he didnt see it like that, but i saw it in the mirror everyday. the loves i had in my life, well, by them i always tried to be true. but being cheated on and told that i wasnt attractive, in that way sent me into a horrible form or depresstion and tried depresarately to find something to identify me as, useful, worth something, or important, or anything that would betray what all of my life i had been told, that i was no worth the life given to me, and if you dont see that in what i've written here you may want to read it again. a mother, that would chose liquir over her son, showing him he wasnt as important. a father that showed that his son wasnt worth his time, simply by not being there. my loves, showing me that i wasnt important enough to them, by being with other people, or simply just leaving me alone. all these times i'm told i'm not worth it, that i'm not important, but some how i come out with a feeling that i'm better than everyone else. that because i made it through those, events. that i have those experiencs that i'm better than almost everyone around me. but, i still feel, as if i'm not good enough, that i look down on everyone else even though i have to look up to see them. it seems that why. but i tell all of this for a reason, even though i have had all that stuff happen to me, it doesnt show, not on the outside. noones seen me cry over being poor because my mom spent our money on liquir, noones seen my pain over being show how worthless i really am, because i wont show anyone, i wont be that person that they look on as pathetic, even though thats a losing battle. but here is what i wanted to say, and had to explain all of that to say. there's this girl, her name is brisa, i love her, and i wanted to say. my life hasnt been good, i've never had luxuries. having things taken away. for one reason or another i have never lived a privilaged life. and i wanted you all to know that now. i wanted her to know that now, because i'm tired of trying to always show the perfect side of my face. i'm tired of always trying to be the person that doesnt have anything wrong with him, you can all know whats wrong with me, and now. maybe, with this, i can start with something good, maybe with this, i can change and start a new path. one with her by my side.

broken and bleeding i trudge forwards, fighting, constintly fighting, a warrior's soul knows nothing but. then, as i continune on my path my lonely broken path, that seemed so faithless, so hopeless in its never changing never pain, its never falturing torment. i find help, a goal, something to fix my eyes on in the distance, something, to concentrat on to make the path i walk not just a blurr of misery. then i look, and my path. my lonely lonely path. has someone walking beside, me. how long have you been there. how long have you walked beside me without me noticing. how long have you walked without me looking up to notice you. i want to say i'm sorry but the path we walk forbids it, i nod, as you nod back the understanding of our lives we live. somewhere to go, and someone to walk with. if only for a short time. this path isnt so hard now.

OMFG, this took too long, TOO LONG but now the unveiling of the truth.
P.V.T. Manor, Devin
U.N.C. Honor Gaurd Company
P.C.S. 303 Box 22
A.P.   A.P.O.  96205
i got a letter today, this is exsactally how it was written, caplitalization punctuation and line for fucking line, this is how i recieved my letter, which leads me to think everyone else is just stupid, and dont know how to address up some shit, ya bunch of retards

a woman, that i know, sets a fire just to watch it burn her favoright things. i rush to put them out. when they're out, she tells me to come she her, and to bring my dog. i dont know what she means so i come to here by myself. then i hear it, the puppy whining. i see her playing with it, the puppy. she askes why he looks so healty. without thinking i reply that if you feed a dog right it will always get more healthy. then i walk over to look at the dog i didnt know i had, and i looked into his eyes. the puppy is blind.

ok so apperently it matters wether the ap is in front of the apo soooo
pv2 manor, devin
unc honor guard company
pcs 303 box 22
ap apo 96205
now lets see how many letters get through this time, because if they do, i'm going to be buying shit off the internet like crazy

so here's the update on everything, I'VE FINALLY GOT INTERNET ^,^ i'm so happy i'm shitting bricks, big cinderblock bricks, and now i wont be all moody and stuff if you wanna talk my yahoo is bobthedragan i dont have aim or anything because i hate aol, well i hate yahoo to but i think its the lesser of two evils, well i guess now that i'm in a better mood i'll start apologizing to all the people i've been blowing off, well sorry for that if your reading this now, i was in a tuff spot and had to keep doing shit and i had to hick like 3 miles with my laptop to go to a internet cafe and i only had like an hour to be there, (including the walk) because of the restrictions of being in korea. something about my company being bad because we are infantry, i dunno i didnt really listen when they explained it the bunch of dutch bags. lol, well i'm better now i have my own internet and i'll be on alot more now
thanks everyone for being so understanding.....i hope
and the adress isnt working so i'll have to try and find another one....sorry again for that