First off, I need to find a way to do these blogs on Facebook.  I have the notes section taking this RSS feed and posting it in facebook, but I want to post directly to there.

Sorry MySpace, we had some fun times, and you were there for me when I needed it most, but Facebook has come into my life and sucked up all of my free time.

So with that out of the way... Man... alot has gone on.

It's late now, and I really need to be in bed, but I've been putting this off, and I don't know why.  There is a lot going on in my life, and some life changing events have happened this week, but I don't know if they have either not hit me yet, or if it really isn't as big as a deal as I thought it would be.

Monday I was diagnosed with Irratable bowel disease (IBD).  There are two different types of IBD, and that's Collitis and Crohn's.  The doctor is pretty sure that I have Crohn's disease. I'm getting a blood test done next week to make sure of it.

For those that don't know Crohn's is basically a GI disease that affects you like the flu, except you don't have the flu and your auto-immune system decides to fight your small intestines instead of anything else.  For some people this is a very serious and rehabilitating disease. Lucky enough for me, it's in an early stage, so it's not so much.  I get flare ups but on a scale from 1 to 10 I was described as being at a 1.  Not bad, huh?  Because of this, the doc thinks that I can be cured of this disease in 3 months to a year.

People have been giving me their well wishes and I appreciate it.  It makes me feel loved, but the honest opinion is that I'm glad that I have it!  I'm glad that I know why my stomach/intestines feel the way that they do!  I'm even more psyched to know that they think it's treatable!  The last 10+ years of my life, I thought that this was just old age, and it turns out to be a disease.  The doc thinks that I won't have to take my stomach pills any more and I might not have any food allergies after awhile.

Speaking of food allergies, guess what else I found out?  I'm allergic to lactose and I'm not allergic to Garlic!  Funny, huh?  I grew up in a Dairy Queen and now I'm allergic to Lactose.  The garlic thing is weird, but I'm assuming that it goes with the Crohn's.  I'm going to be so glad not to have to look at every label again....

Wow, it's late... what else has gone on.

Oh!  This week Brody said Dada.  Not on accident either, he's starting to find his voice, and he is a little angel.  It's amazing looking at the pictures from when he was born and to see him today. The first thing that people say when they see him in person is "He's so big!" We have a picture of him standing next to me at about 9 months and he looks like a 2 year old.  And does he have a head of hair!!  Very curly.  He has Grandpa Weiland's hair, just too bad that he isn't around to see it.

All in all Brody is progressing quite well!  He's a couple months behind, but we need to realize that he was in the NICU for 3 months.  He's going to be behind.  He's such a strong boy!  Mom and Dad have a tough time holding him because he's so active.  He has a reach that almost doesn't allow for you to hold him on your hip, because if you do and he has his legs underneath him, he will almost kick out of your reach!  He's a little stinker like that, but we love him up.

Brody will be turning 1 on 8/18, and I'm almost nervous.  I can't believe that I've been a Daddy for a year!  He makes me smile and cry so much, it's great.  Donna needs to call me at work on speakerphone to get Brody to calm down.  When I get home the first thing I see is a huge smile on his face and his arms stretched out.  I don't know what I did to make him love me so much, but it really does make everything worthwhile.  You forget about stress when you see him smile.

Speaking of smiling... Teething is a bitch.  That's all I will say.

And speaking of stresses, I'm still loving my work.  It's the perfect position for me to talk to people all day about computers and training.  I love it.  The only problem is that I'm the only salesperson there (outside of our GM) and I am really starting to feel the stress.  We are having a bad month and we lost a big bid that I was hoping for.  It puts pressure to find more sales, but people are cutting costs, especially in the training budget.  I haven't been able to sleep very well all of this week/last weekend and it's definitely because of work.  It's midnight 30 now and I still don't want to go to bed.  I am having uninterrupted sleep but I'm still waking up tired the next morning.  Donna tells me that I talk in my sleep, which doesn't surprise me a bit.  I need to find an outlet for my anxiety.

That's where this blog was usually good.  Only problem is that I either spend late nights trying to update this, or I spend time away from my family.  Drinking is a good outlet (I guess 'good' isn't the best of words for it), but it gets to be expensive.  I try to go out only once or twice a month but when I do, I let it all out. I'm really coming to terms that I'm a binge drinker.  I don't necessarily drink to get drunk, but I need a lot to calm myself down.  Getting drunk just happens naturally along the way.

Not sure what else to talk about.  Mind is getting cloudy, so it must be time for bed.  I know this isn't the best of blogs, but it's a start.  I need to get back into the habit of making one of these.

Oh, I forgot, I'm not doing ITRadio anymore.  4 years almost to the date, and I called it quits.  The show wasn't fun anymore and I felt that I was doing a disservice to Graeme.  He's got some great things going on and I don't want to be in the way.  He would never ask to stop the show, and he's still doing it now on his own, but I'm going to guess that it's not going to last long.  It was a good run, but everyone seems to move on around us, and I can't put the time into it anymore, or at least do the things that I liked to do, so I figured it would be better to go on my own terms.  My last episode I got pretty drunk and started bawling like a baby on the show.  It wasn't an easy decision.  I miss it a lot. I just need to find something else now.

And with that said, I think I hit the major points that I wanted to hit.  I got a Twitter account, if you want to add me, feel free.  Also look for me on facebook.  I'd give all of the links, but I'm going to bed.

Thanks for reading.  I miss these chats.  I hope we can do it again sometime whether here, on facebook, over email, over the phone, or when you buy me lunch :)

Take care everyone.  Remember to always hug your children and your loved ones.  Remind them that you love them.  You can never say those words enough.

I wish that this was an April Fool's Day joke, but it's not.  Brody's blood pressure hasn't been able to be under control with the meds he's taking, so he's going to go into the PICU tomorrow and stay in the hospital for a few days so that he can be observed.

The scariest thing about it all is that it's his heart.  They'll be giving him drugs and don't know what the side effects are going to be like.  I'm just mostly afraid of the risk of having him code again.  I want to get everything under control, but it's scary that he needs to be under something more than Mommy and Daddy's watch.

Please keep Brody in your thoughts and prayers through the weekend.

And Brody, Daddy and Mommy love you very much.

Next week/weekend Donna and I will be in the Cities!  Now although we would love to see everyone, it's probably going to be a first come first served basis.  Also, we can't go everywhere because we're still being cautious of exposing Brody to too many germs.

So, if you would like to get together, please let us know!  One night, for sure, I am planning on going out for Karaoke, so I would hope to see you then!  Graeme is more or less the organizer (if he knows it or not!).  Not sure where D will be KJing, but she was so good the night of my going away party, that I'd love to have that happen again!

Also, the Spaghetti Benefit is planned for Feb. 28th in Sioux Falls.  We'd love to see everyone there!  If you would like a PDF of a flyer to give to people at your work or to post around town, please let me know!  We have printed color posters too!

I don't know if I'm changing or if I'm resisting change.  I don't like it and it's not fun.  I have decided to just submit and let whatever happen, happen.  If I have an opinion that doesn't match Donna's I need to just let it go.  It never was that way and we said that it never would be.  I guess having a kid does change anything.

So I drank... a lot.  The only weird thing is that I woke up and didn't feel bad, in my head anyway.  I could focus, move around, everything was fine.  The bad part was that my body wasn't the same.  I was sweating, my whole body was sore, and my stomach wanted to poop (I put that in there to make Graeme happy.), so I pooped and went back to bed.  Then I needed to poop again (three times makes everything funny), so I went to the toilet and just sat reading Playboy.  Then my stomach started to churn more and I just said, "Fuck it.  I'll puke" and I did.  Not a lot, but just enough that made me feel good.  The puke coated the toilet a bright orange color!  I was perplexed but when I just sat down to type, I realized that I took Advil last night to avoid a hangover. I'm thinking that's what it was!  Either that or I was eating orange glow sticks... How drunk would I have been to do that?!

Interesting shot that I had last night.  The Vaporizer.

Blue Curaco
Jagermister
Bacardi 151

You light the sunofabitch on fire, let it burn, put out the flame, drink it, then suck out the fumes with a straw.

Indescribable. And I would never drink another one again.

Turns out that they just wanted to check my references, then they would hire me.  They just never got to calling anyone, so they never offered me the position!

I sent an email wondering what I could have done differently, they got it, and felt bad, so they hired me today around 4:00!  What joy!!

I can't believe how happy I am. I'm going to work on Monday!

I'm going to be working for New Horizons Computer Learning Centers.  I'm an account executive, so I sell the training that we offer.  We also offer online training!  If you need anything, let me know, and I can sell it to you!

I'm not writing this for pity, so please do not make any replies saying, you're a great guy; you deserve to be hired; they're stupid not to take you; God works in mysterious ways; etc because I just want to get the thoughts that I have out.  In fact, I'm going to turn comments off.

So, I must just be unhireable...  I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or what I need to change, but I'm hitting rock bottom.

I had one place that I was really loving because of the people, the work, the perks and it would be perfect for Donna and I to be able to "start over", but they never called me last night.  Wait, they did call me to find out who my references were at 4:00 last night, and told me that she was going to call me back, but she never did. I was heartbroken last night.  I really wanted this position.

I woke up this morning literally to a phone call from one of the Wells Fargo areas that I had a good interview with, to tell me that I wasn't what they were looking for.  Not only that, but another area that they know is a good "foot in" wasn't interested in me as well.

I get shot down so much with my resume, when I actually have a chance to talk to people whether it's on the phone or in person, I am able to really impress them.  Not anymore it seems.  Maybe I'm just getting too desparate and it's really starting to show.  I'm sorry, but I need work.  I need money.  I need to support for my family, and I won't be able to do that for $8/hr flipping burgers.  I have a fucking college education, and I can't find a fucking job.  Why did I go to college anyway!?  It was a waste of money and a waste of time because all people want is experience.

No one is willing to train anymore.  And if they say that they are willing to train, they really mean, they are willing for you to figure it out yourself for a couple of fucking months before you completely screw yourself over because you don't know what the fuck you are doing, or they just want to spend the time yelling at you because you don't know what you're doing, as if you were suppose to learn by fucking osmosis.

I understand that people like to help, but can you support your family on a job at Target?  No?  Then how the fuck am I?  Ok, it's a small source of income, and something is better than nothing, I get it, but if I spend 40+ fucking hours working at a place where I will NEVER make more than $10/hr, then how the fuck am I going to find the time to find or to interview for the jobs that I CAN get more than $10/hr. for?!

Times are tough... I know that, hell I'm living that, but you can't tell me that no one is hiring.  Either that, or that there are people that are more talented than me that are out there.  You know who's getting the fucking jobs?  The fucking people who are too chicken shit to really stand by their company.  I worked on a sinking ship before and that was to prove that I am a company man.  I will stand by the person that I will work for UNTIL THE END.  You know why?  Because that company actually invested time and money into me. They wanted to not only succeed, but to see their people succeed at well.  I was there until I was asked to leave, and you know what I did, I reapplied at that same place not two weeks afterward.  Ultimately it ended to the demise of the company, but I never gave up on them.  I can do that for any company I work for.  Hell, I still buy primarily only General Mills products, you know why?  BECAUSE I AM A STUPID LOYAL FUCKING PERSON THAT UNDERSTANDS TO APPRECIATE THE FUCKING PEOPLE THAT HAVE GOT YOU A FUCKING JOB AND ALLOWED YOU TO KEEP IT. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE STAFFING AGENCIES IN FUCKING TOWN WHEN THEY GET PISSED OFF BECAUSE THEY HEARD THAT I GOT A JOB THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE.  OH.... FUCKING REALLY?!  YOU JUST WANTED ME TO WAIT FOR YOU WHILE YOU KEEP SAYING, "really, there's nothing available for you." BULL FUCKING SHIT YOU STUPID CUNTS!!!

IF you actually did your fucking jobs, you would do a number of things:

1) You would actually email me, or contact me in some fucking way.  Right now I need to send out a mass email to the people who are looking for work for me, because if I don't, I would NEVER hear from them.  Why is this my responsibility?!  You're the one getting fucking paid to find me a job! I know it's not by me, but you have to be making a good dollar off of my ass.  I've worked on the other side of things with temp agencies.  I may be getting $14/hr, but you're charging the company $22.  Really!?  What is that extra $8/hr. for?  What are you really supply to me once you find the job, and how hard was it really to find that position?  The companies have to come to you?!  How fucking easy is it to be a temp agent?  No wonder why there is so many in town!  BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING ACTIVELY LOOK FOR A JOB FOR THEIR FUCKING CLIENTS!!!!

And the rest I forgot.  I was in the heat of the moment, and just writing what came out and I had at least 3 things, but now I can't remember them.  I had to get Brody some food.

Anyway.  I just filled out an application for Wal-mart.  Turns out I'm not superviser material for them.  I'm going to apply to Target now.  What has my life come to?

Donna and I have finally decided that we need help financially to pay for bills, especially the ones around the hospital.  We would like to hold a fundraiser of some sort in Sioux Falls, but I think that the both of us are feeling enough stress that I don't think we could properly host it.

If there is anyone that has any experience with fundraisers, please let me know what we could do for one.  If you would like to be the person in charge, and you have experience (because what's a good fundraiser if a person doesn't really know how to get any money), please let us know.

Thanks!

Brett

Ok, I know that it's somewhat late, and that I'm getting tired, but I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I just couldn't do it. When I'm on the computer I'm either consumed by facebook, or consumed by finding a new job. Yeah, for those of you who don't know, I was terminated by my employer on October 9th.

Anyway... I'm just realizing how many things I need to talk about. Mostly just because I need to vent and I haven't found any type of outlet for that, but I already know that tonight I'm going to rant and rave about a few things, get really focused, then forget what I was going to say and not really get anything done at all. I'll try to touch on everything... maybe I should write a list. The only thing I hate about doing that is that it shows that I have an agenda. I have no agenda, I'm just a guy that wants to get things out. Very much unlike other people that I've read their blogs. Very precise and methodical, as though they are rehearsed. It's weird reading things like that because if you are writing with true, guttural emotions, the thoughts should be scattered. At least, that's what I do.

Moving on...

I lost my job. I was terminated without explanation. Sounds odd, doesn't it? I was commended on how well I was doing one day, then literally a few days later I was asked to leave. I'm so upset with the way that it was handled. I get upset thinking about it, and honestly I don't really want to rehash it right now. Needless to say I think there always was a communication failure there and that's what happened in the end. Through the grapevine I found out that they thought that I was trying to find a new job on company time, and they just fired me instead of working through it with me. Childish is what I think. I get upset, but then I move on. There was a lot that I learned from that experience though. Some good, some bad, but the idea is to grow with each experience. That I am definitely doing.

Trying to find a job however has been a humbling experience. My family and myself are living off of the government teat. That as well as the teats of other people, trying to pay our bills. We have less than half a month of bills saved up in our savings, we have nothing in our checking, and we are living off of food stamps and unemployment. Truly we have hit rock bottom, or at least close to it, because we are still paying our bills, but honestly, I have no idea how. I'm not looking for pity though, just talking about my situation.

I've had a few interviews that have went well, but it's fustrating because with my experiences it's hard to get an interview. Everyone thinks I'm either overqualified, or not qualified enough. No one can tell me where that middle ground is. I've contacted at least a dozen temp agencies in town to try to place me, but there is no office work in Sioux Falls. Well, none around the $10/hr. range and higher anyway. I could work for $8/hr just doing something, but that would be a waste of everyone's time. I can't survive off of it, so why do it?

I suppose I should talk about Brody some... the only reason I say it that way, is that we're really out of the woods with him. From now on it's going to be just a regular road. He's gotten through his surgeries, he's had an episode where he aspirated and coded, but we got him back. That's twice that he's really cheated death. He's such a strong guy, he really makes me proud. He's a fighter and I really hopes that sticks with him. Heaven knows that I need to have more of that fighting strength. I need to be more of a fighter, but I just don't have that drive in me, and I wish that I did. I'm happy with status quo, as I really always have been, but it makes me mad because I know that there was so much more set out for me to do. I just don't know what went wrong.

So needless to say that Brody's doing great. I couldn't be more pleased. I just have to say a big "FUCK YOU" to anyone who mentions something along the lines of how I have to put up with my son's crying now that he's home. I know that these are people that have no idea how hard it was to see my son in the hospital for so long, or to know that in the first three months of his life that he had to be resuscitated, and I know that they didn't know how hard it was that for the first few weeks of life to never be able to here my son cry because he had a tube shoved down his throat. I know that person has never had to deal with those emotions, and I hope that they never have to deal with that because I would never wish that upon my deepest of enemies, but dammit it is so hard to hear. To this day, when I hear my son crying, some times it chokes me up, because I know that he's home, he's in my arms, and he doesn't have to have anything down his throat to help him breathe and that he CAN cry. I would take 5 years of continual crying ANY day over what I had to experience for the first 3 months of his life. And for that, I say "FUCK YOU" to anyone who makes a comment about how they can't stand it when their child is "fussy". I will say that unless you read this blog, you will never know that I have those feelings though. I would never tell that to your face, and for the only reason is because I know that you have NO idea what I have been through because if you did you would NEVER make a comment like that. Not even as a joke. Period.

As you can tell... touchy subject...

On the good news front (in a heavily sarcastic tone) my parked car got hit by the maintenance man's pickup today. I can't open the driver's door, and I'm guessing that it will be totaled out. On top of everything, Donna and I may lose a car. The irony of it all is that I finally got the personalized plates that I ordered for the car. They say "ITRADIO" and are really sweet, but they will probably be never put on the car. I hope that I can transfer it over to the other car, but who's to say. Tomorrow I will find out a majority of the damage when the insurance adjuster comes by.

... I had something here, but I decided to erase it. If you must know, it's about my love life. If you want to know, ask me...

So, yeah... I am at the point where I know that there is more, but I have forgotten about it. The rant about kids crying is what really made me lose my broad focus of what I wanted to write about. I won't lie to everyone, or even myself, and I swore that I would never say this (but I think I might have once before), but I'm depressed. I know I have been in low levels of it before, but I am really depressed. I was hoping that moving back to Sioux Falls would have taken me out of this funk, but I really have no one around that is willing to help. It's sad mostly for the fact is that I have friends around the area. People that have always wanted to be closer because I lived so far away, but now that I'm back in the area I see them just as much as I did before, maybe even to a lesser extent because I never hear from them either. There are a few people that have really lifted my spirits that are around here, but in some cases they were the onese that surprised me the most. I know that the phone works both ways, but when you're a down as I am, you find yourself needing arms to be reached out to you or someone just to grab onto you in order to try to pull you out. Again, maybe these are people that have just never experienced depression like this, or maybe they are just people that don't know me well enough to really see the signs.

In any case, thank you for reading. If you've gone through this whole thing, you have shown that you are a true friend, and I thank you. The next time you see me, please, give me a hug. It's really the most that I could ask from anyone right now, and it always seems silly to ask for one. I'm a big guy that likes a good hug. I'll tell you that straight out, but I know that it some ways, it's not socially acceptable. I wish it was. So please, if you see me, feel free to grab a hold of me, or just reach out your arms. That's the best thing that I could really get right now.

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