This would be funny, if it wasn't not funny.
Anyhow, a Dick is working on a book. I won't buy it. But here are some excerpts, obtained by slate.com:
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Here he is apparently talking about his five military deferments:I'll never forget the anguish in his voice. "You have no choice,
son," he said. "You've simply got to take that military deferment." I
felt punched in the gut. "No!" I shouted. "No, damn you! No! That's the
fifth time you've done this to me!"
Here is an example of his wit:Without telling anyone, Nixon and I had worked up a little routine. I asked, "Who is the Vietnamese foreign minister?" Immediately, he chimed in, "No, Woo
is on first!" The whole room cracked up. Kissinger had to take a pill.
Here's how selective W was in picking a running mate:"Let me get this straight," I said. "I choose your running mate?"
George gave a wide grin. "You got it, Chief," he said. "Freddie
Thompson, Newt, Lugar—heck, even Old Man McCain. You name him, and I'll
go with him. Will you do it?"I felt a shiver rise up my spine. "I'm very busy these days," I said. "But I'll consider it."
This excerpt details just how cool Dick isThroughout the president's colonoscopy, I stayed cool as a cucumber.
Here he expresses his views on transparency in government:"We want to see the minutes of your energy-policy meetings," she
barked, her snotty, liberal leftist nose high in the air. "We want to
know the lobbyists you've met with." I just stared through her.
"Listen, missy," I replied. "You're not fooling me. You're trying to
find out what we're doing, so you can tell everybody, and that's not
going to happen!"
This is where he explains whose fault it is for getting shot in the faceIt was heartbreaking. He looked at me with those sad, defeated eyes and
rasped, "Mr. Vice President, I let you down." Well, what could I say? I
put my hand on his shoulder and said, "No, please, never think that
way." But, inside, I was angry with him. I wanted to shout, "Christ,
Harry, what in hell were you doing, poking your big face right into my
line of fire?"
Of course Dick loves the gayI knew from her glassy-eyed grin that Lynne was well into her fourth
tequila and valium. "Guesh what," she said. "Your pretty little
daughter has gone and got himself a girlfriend."
Dick on war protestersThe hippies were out there, protesting a war that we were waging to
defend their right to protest wars. Sadly, they couldn't see the
reality: During wartime, there's just no place for that kind of protest.
Remember our allegiances, all hail Rupert and FoxI warned Scooter about talking to Robert Novak. "Remember," I said. "No
matter what he says, no matter how he acts, he's CNN. We're Fox."
Dick on tortureSorry, folks, but it's not torture to have a little water poured on
you. You want torture? Try a two-hour piano recital from Condoleezza
Rice.
Dick on the economyPaulson looked dazed, confused, like a deer in headlights. "It's all
turning to shit," he whispered. "Everything is collapsing! We're going
down!"I slapped him hard across the face, leaving a red blotch on his cheek. "Get a grip," I barked. "I'll call Rove. He'll fix this."
Dick, we believe you, totallyMark my words: There will be another terrorist attack. Thousands will
die. Millions will suffer. When it happens, America will see at last
that we were right. History will vindicate us, and we'll receive the
respect we rightfully deserve. Not that I would ever want that, of
course.
If justice is ever served, love will not be the charges you are brought up on DickI love America. There! I said it! Sue me. I don't care. Because the one
thing I've learned is that all the missiles, all the armies, and all
the bombs in this big crazy world cannot defeat love. So there you have
it, liberals: This "war criminal" pleads guilty as charged—guilty of
believing in the power of love.