I come up with a lot of excuses

For why I can't finish stories
Why I can't stick to losing weight
Why I have to stay in Michigan
Why I am constantly unhappy

But, I don't take action. I think that's like the clinical definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I long for a moment of sanity.

boyboysboys (We love them) ----

Switching up gears, I was reading a friends entry randomly titled 'hes just not that into you', and I just got to thinking how often I should've recited the list to myself. I always allow myself to be on the butt end of rejection, and so when any common piece of trash comes by, I do whatever I can to make it gold.

I need some standards, I need to know what I want.

But that would require me thinking for more than 5 minute spurts that I deserve something good, something worthwhile.

I do.

Right now, I'm going to sleep.

It's those moments of uncertainty that paralyze me.

They set me back so often. When I doubt myself, question my self. I tear myself apart.

But maybe all of that is changing now. All I had to do was put change in the atmosphere and commit to it.

Commit to me.

I am going to be a nurse.

I think I was meant to.
I will be good at it.
I'm going to make a difference in people's lives.
I'll help change the world one person at a time.

I'll be remembered.

That's been my dream from the beginning, and I think I finally had a break through.

The next two years are going to be hard (well, Chemistry is, anyway) But I think the end will justify it. I'll be stronger. Better.

I am going to an informational meeting on Tuesday. If all of this still holds true then, then I think, finally, I'll be on the right path. I'll be on A path, lol.

And just maybe, I can keep my Hollywood dreams alive as well. I FINALLY started writing one of my many shows. LoL

Wish me luck

What sucks even more than when I guy isn't interested...

When he's interested in the friend that you were with

I feel.

Everyone does, one million things a day, one million different ways.

I say I want to live, but I feel like in order to do that, a large part of me has to die.
The insecure person, who doesn't care about himself, who feels invisible, who feels worthless and unloved.

But who am I without him?

Who?

Tears only create a small bandage, a very temporary, small bandage. After they are dry, so am I. I'm so used to that feeling, that numb, dry feeling.

I miss my friends. I miss living in a place that I connected with so many people. I feel so alone here. At least back in Lansing, I had friends to cover this constant throbbing I have when I'm all alone.

Alone.

Nice guys finish last, but apparently nice fat guys don't even get to race.
I know that I am overweight. I'm reminded that almost every times I cruise the net or go to a gay bar.
And I also know that I am not extremely masculine. But... damn. Like, is there anyone out there that can still appreciate me? I have a lot to offer, like Beyonce 'Cater 2 U', Janet 'If' type stuff, lol.

But... I don't even give myself a chance, how can I expect others?

I have issues. I know. I want to be loved without really loving myself, which is like cosmically bad. But, is there someone who can show me how to love me?

I saw this guy recently from High School. I literally had the biggest-ish crush on him. I say biggest-ish cause we never really hard core hung out or talked much, but I always thought he was really cute, AND he was a nice guy. Anyways, ran into him at a club, and TOTALLY didn't know about him. So, I'm sober, and not totally comfortable, it's loud, so we didn't talk much through the night, but we exchanged bye's and stuff. I decided to be SLIGHTLY aggressive and message him on FB, gave him the number and told him to call. Waited the three allotted days, and no call. I don't know why I felt the need to include this... :shrug:

I mean, I dunno, I just want something to work out with someone. I'm 23... I want to be married by like 27, and I've yet to have been in a serious relationship.

:SIIIIIGHHHH:

I need to try harder. To be healthier, to have a better outlook on life. To be more positive.

It's just so hard, because I'm SO used to this darkness I've immersed myself in.

How do you change that?

How do you start?

I just hope that by acknowledging all of this, I have started.

:crosses fingers:

I'll be moving back home soon. Back to the place I escaped from. I'm scared to face the skeletons I've tried to leave behind there. Where will I be in a year? Two?

What am I doing?

So I am moving back home.

I hope, and pray that I'm making the right move. That going back where I started is the best way for me to move forward. I want my family to come together and stop being so disconnected, but I know in order for that to work I can't be the only one who wants to heal all these open wounds.

I leave Lansing with. . . a heavy-ish heart. I grew up here. I came of age here... I know how to be myself here, without any real fear. Home is going to be different. Is it weird that I feel uncomfortable there now? And not my physical home, but in the city? Detroit isn't really like most developed cites, in my opinion. It's not as progressive. It's still very black and white for the most part. . . and now I don't know which of those worlds I fit into. I straddle a world between all of that. I'm scared that I won't belong.

But I know I'll be able to find a niche in the metro detroit area, it's just going to be a challenge, that's all.

Over and out.

So, yeah. I know I think way too much about things I don't need to put any thought into. I'm going to try and just go with the flow more, I think.

So. I'll explain what bitterness does to a person. Not just bitterness, but loneliness and envy. Eventually, you lose the ability to fully be happy for people. You sit, you smile, you pat, all the while that black part of your soul that you hide grows. It grows and grows til it's consumed everything.

There are times when that's all I can feel, is that ever consuming darkness. That's probably not okay.

:sigh:

I don't want anyone to think that I'm not a functioning human being. I'm not this big cloud of just cosmic blah. But there are times when that numbness sets in and I just can't shake it. I still believe that I'm not passed saving, that I'm worth loving, and that there is no darkness the light can't reach. That feeling will never disappear, and I know that's why I shouldn't be locked away in some dark basement carving dark poetry into the walls.

I have a dream.
In it, I'm successful, healthy, and smiling. I'm not as flaky, I have the love and appreciation of myself and others. I don't have to wonder if I'm worth anything, because I won't be looking for that IN other people. I'm free to do as I wish, and do as I love. I have two children, I go shopping with my mom often. I can spend times with my friends and continue to grow with them. Money is not an issue. Love is not an issue. He is there with me. That person who I know exists, and have yet to find. He doesn't complete me, but we make something else. Something greater than the two of us, and completely whole, whole other being. . .

It's that sweet dream, that lets me know the bitterness I feel at times, is temporary, and until I conquer it, I can't move on, I can't grow. I am stronger than I've been in the past, but
... I get so scared that I'm stuck here. I'm not, but I can't help but feeling that anyway.

I apologize for this disjointed entry . . . but I guess I had to release it.

Recently I've found, or rather just reinforced, that the best therapy available is venting. Aloud or whatever.

I feel inadequate. I feel invisible. And I'm honestly really fucking pissed. Disappointed.

But in two days I am going to Boston and New York. I'll be with some of my BEST friends. I am going to have a blast and live outside of myself for awhile. In New York, I'm no one. I have a blank slate. I'm one among millions. I can't wait to see the city lights.

But right here, right now, I feel sad. Cause I know that I'm not a bad person, but I know I have things I need to work on. But does not being perfect, at least visually, mean that you don't deserve a chance? And dammit I'm NOT the hunchback of notredam!

Taylor, damn you, I WILL have my love story. And it's going to be freaking fantastic.

And hey, I's can get married in Boston! Maybe I'll be walking down the stree with my friends and some wealthy (hopefully under 35) heir will look at me and say, "I'm looking for a husband," and I'll smile and say, "Do you have a blue box with you?" Then it'll be a wrap. I mean, I'm sure my friends and family would understand, lol.

<3 I should be packing, but I'll just do it tomorrow