So, yeah. I know I think way too much about things I don't need to put any thought into. I'm going to try and just go with the flow more, I think.

So. I'll explain what bitterness does to a person. Not just bitterness, but loneliness and envy. Eventually, you lose the ability to fully be happy for people. You sit, you smile, you pat, all the while that black part of your soul that you hide grows. It grows and grows til it's consumed everything.

There are times when that's all I can feel, is that ever consuming darkness. That's probably not okay.

:sigh:

I don't want anyone to think that I'm not a functioning human being. I'm not this big cloud of just cosmic blah. But there are times when that numbness sets in and I just can't shake it. I still believe that I'm not passed saving, that I'm worth loving, and that there is no darkness the light can't reach. That feeling will never disappear, and I know that's why I shouldn't be locked away in some dark basement carving dark poetry into the walls.

I have a dream.
In it, I'm successful, healthy, and smiling. I'm not as flaky, I have the love and appreciation of myself and others. I don't have to wonder if I'm worth anything, because I won't be looking for that IN other people. I'm free to do as I wish, and do as I love. I have two children, I go shopping with my mom often. I can spend times with my friends and continue to grow with them. Money is not an issue. Love is not an issue. He is there with me. That person who I know exists, and have yet to find. He doesn't complete me, but we make something else. Something greater than the two of us, and completely whole, whole other being. . .

It's that sweet dream, that lets me know the bitterness I feel at times, is temporary, and until I conquer it, I can't move on, I can't grow. I am stronger than I've been in the past, but
... I get so scared that I'm stuck here. I'm not, but I can't help but feeling that anyway.

I apologize for this disjointed entry . . . but I guess I had to release it.

Recently I've found, or rather just reinforced, that the best therapy available is venting. Aloud or whatever.

I feel inadequate. I feel invisible. And I'm honestly really fucking pissed. Disappointed.

But in two days I am going to Boston and New York. I'll be with some of my BEST friends. I am going to have a blast and live outside of myself for awhile. In New York, I'm no one. I have a blank slate. I'm one among millions. I can't wait to see the city lights.

But right here, right now, I feel sad. Cause I know that I'm not a bad person, but I know I have things I need to work on. But does not being perfect, at least visually, mean that you don't deserve a chance? And dammit I'm NOT the hunchback of notredam!

Taylor, damn you, I WILL have my love story. And it's going to be freaking fantastic.

And hey, I's can get married in Boston! Maybe I'll be walking down the stree with my friends and some wealthy (hopefully under 35) heir will look at me and say, "I'm looking for a husband," and I'll smile and say, "Do you have a blue box with you?" Then it'll be a wrap. I mean, I'm sure my friends and family would understand, lol.

<3 I should be packing, but I'll just do it tomorrow

Romeo save me

Such sucky weather.

So, I took on duty, and a double shift at work. All on 3 hours of sleep.

I miss when J.Timberlake was really cute. Like, why is he stuck in this scruffy, douche-bag look-look? Just like I want Christina to come back from the 30's.

Oh, and that last part was inspired by Madonna's "4 Minutes" which I think I love.

Janet won't go platinum, even in shipping this time. I'm actually saddened.

So, boys? The only one that's priority in my life is Amir S. Burke. But, I've found myself taking more risks, being more bold. And I think that's important.

I think I need to stay away from boys with common names, lol.

I really like Sara Bareillis' album. It's almost (almost) as good as 'Wild Hope'

So, it's sucky weather today. I REALLY was looking forward to the Pride Week picnic :(

 

So like, clarity is something we all strive for. But what happens when you attain it? You try to do the same things as you used to, but the results aren’t the same. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but the old hurt that you’d normally feel isn’t there because you’re more open to...it’s hard to explain this on almost exhaustion.

 

So, I guess it’s what I get for putting energy into something destined not to come into fruition. Like, I had too many doubt to begin with for anything to work out, so once again, I proved myself right.

But that’s okay. Danity Kane’s album comes out (today?) and I can’t wait to buy it! This weekend is gonna be good :)

"boku no sekai kieru made, aeru nara, kimi no soba de nemurasete. . ."
 

I don't think I have a real...goal for this post. Just kind of want to write what's in my head down. And right now, my head is a little groggy. Severe lack of sleep the last two nights, but I never sleep well when I have to get up early.

I've decided that, I definitely know what I want out of myself and potential guys: passion. I ridden the no strings train, and it's really not for me. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, or maybe I just think too highly of myself, but sex is meant to be enjoyed, and for me to enjoy it, I need some form of ... connection.

Being connected with someone truly does start with being connected with yourself. These days, I've been at such a better place and I've been attracting such good energies in my life. I just don't wanna be all open and then let something in that'll bring all of that down. I know it's impossible not to get hurt, or let down sometimes, but I don't know, that's been a constant theme for awhile for me, and I'm welcoming the change. Little things like looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself I'm worth something, how much I like myself, is working. I feel more myself and in my skin day by day.

I just want things to continue like this for awhile. It's like...a mental growth spurt. 

So. No bad experiences with home this time. Mostly because I've really only slept here. And I actually have accepted that this is how things are, and it's okay. I'm provided for. I've had to learn that there are various types of love. Not everyone is knows how to be there for a person emotionally. Parents don't get a guidebook, and they do it how they feel is right. And I get a phone, a car, and some edumacation, which is more than some people can boost. So, I think I've overcome this particular obstacle in my life. Being over my grandmother's house gives me the emotional support I need, and I'm lucky to have that.

I've decided I'm not going to go out of my way to visit my dad. He needs to learn that I'm not going to go out of my way to see him when he hasn't visited East Lansing in three years. Now what sucks is that he's the parent who supports me being gay, but I can't let that be a get out of jail free card. I have a $2000 loan floating above my head because of his flakeyness. I just can't sit over there and forgive him of his inability to handle life. He's 53 years old, living a life of regret. The one thing he's taught me is that I don't want to approach life like he does.

Lansing. . . it has one more year. After that, I'm gone. Starting over I think can be fun. I've never really had the change to completely do it... and I think everyone should, at least once in their lives. And it shouldn't be after years and years of devoting yourself to a life you're unhappy with.

I think that's what next year is for. My one year goodbye to everything I know.