The KingBlog MySpace de | Funny Things...Like Geraldo's Moustache

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samedi, janvier 24, 2009

The Rockafire Explosion

Anyone in my general age-range probably has some memory of a birthday spent at Showbiz Pizza. In addition to the tasty treats and Pacman arcade games, Showbiz contained a stage where an animatronic band, The Rockafire Explosion, performed "live" music for the kids. When Showbiz transitioned into Chuck E. Cheese, the new company phased out this aspect of the franchise. The group once fronted by a banjo-playing Bill Bob Bear and a key-tickling gorilla by the name of Fatz Geronimo shortly faded into oblivion.

I hadn't given Showbiz Pizza much thought until I stumbled across some Youtube videos which piqued my interest. Apparently there's a new documentary about a devout fan of The Rockafire Explosion who has actually purchased one of the retired bands and now programs his own performances. I didn't know what to think about such a thing until I saw this video:

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mardi, décembre 30, 2008

Ring Ting Tingling
Humeur actuelle :

méditatif

Ring Ting Tingling
By Josh Myers

Now that the Christmas holidays are behind us, it's time to begin the arduous task of taking down all of those delicate decorations, carefully wrapping them in newspaper, and meticulously packing them away for next year because I don't know about you, but nothing gets me more into the Christmas spirit than bringing down my box of ornaments to the timeless sound of jingling…only to discover that the melodious tones aren't coming from the ringing of bells, but rather from the broken shards of glass rattling around in the bottom of the box. That's right: I'm talking about the timeless tradition of sifting through my pile of destroyed ornaments.

Where is it written that Christmas ornaments have to be made from the most brittle material on the planet? What does it say about the durability and craftsmanship of these decorations when they disintegrate simply under their own feather-like weight? For the longest time I had assumed that maybe my careless handling of the Christmas boxes was causing this destruction, but I've come to the realization that that's not the case. When it comes to packing or unpacking my Christmas decorations, I handle this box of ornaments as if it contained the nuclear football. In fact, I find myself carrying this box with more care than I would if it were a newborn infant. I go out of my way to ensure that this box remains as stationary as humanly possible, yet the ornaments still manage to break. It's not as if I were transporting these things cross-country over cobblestone roads in the back of Jed Clampet's jalopy. It's not as if I've been using these things to teach myself how to juggle. My ornaments have been sitting in the attic completely undisturbed for 11 months, yet every Christmas I discover at least one or two that somehow didn't make it through the rigors of dormancy.

Why are these ornaments made out of this microscopically thin glass to begin with? We're taught in science class than nothing is smaller than an atom, yet Hallmark has somehow managed to defy the laws of physics by making their ornament glass the width an electron. It's feasible to make ornaments out of some other material that would look exactly like glass, but with the all-important characteristic of not being made out of glass. I'd settle for any material that might have the unique chemical property of not imploding with contact with air. I'm a simple guy. Is it too much to ask to have an ornament with the structural integrity to withstand 101 kilopascals of pressure? I'm not asking that these things withstand a journey 20,000 leagues under the sea in the highly pressurized cabin of the Nautilus. I just want them not to shatter during the 8-foot descent from my attic.

How did these glass balls become the standard in Christmas décor anyway? It's like GE somehow managed to find a market for all of their defective light bulbs. These things won't light up like a bulb, but they'll sure as hell break like one. If you're going to make an ornament out of glass, at least make it out of good glass…like a beer bottle. That glass seems pretty solid and if a bar fight were to break out on Christmas, I want my ornaments to double as weapons.

I've thought about this at length and I think I've come up with the real reason behind this delicate ornament situation. I initially assumed the explanation was aesthetics, but I think a more rational reason is much simpler than that: it's economics. It's like Deep Throat said, if you want to know the answer to a puzzle that doesn't make any logical sense, all you have to do is follow the money. What would manufacturers gain by providing stout decorations? Absolutely nothing. It's in manufacturers best interest to sell products. If a company makes a product that never needs replacing, you only get to sell it once. The irony of providing a quality product that lasts forever is that making too good of a product renders the manufacturer irrelevant. That's why ornaments are so crappy: people will always need to buy new ornaments to replace the broken ones. In a bizarre way, this shoddy product has guaranteed its own existence by virtue of its crappiness. The true beauty of this ornament sham is that it happens at Christmas, a time when we're already primed for buying a bunch of crappy stuff that we have no use for to begin with. And when you get to the heart of the matter, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

4:44

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mardi, décembre 16, 2008

Recovered Footage

Earlier this year I held a Saturday Night Fever Roller Disco Party. I had intended on recording the entire event in order to make a full-length documentary, but unfortunately I wiped out on the skating rink on my first lap with the camera in my hand. Even though the camera appeared to be fine, nothing could have been further from the truth. It's broken beyond repair. I thought all was lost, that is until I stumbled upon this clip...

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mardi, novembre 11, 2008

Goodbye, Integrity

Election 2008 is finally over. Congratulations to the victors. That being said, I need to opine about some inconsistencies I've noticed over the course of the campaign, but before you dismiss my critiques as John McCain propaganda, I must first state that I voted for Bob Barr--I didn't have a dog in this Republican/Democrat fight. Having not voted for either contender, I feel liberated to speak openly about the election without my comments immediately disregarded as sour grapes. Let me state that I have no problem with the outcome of this election--the people have spoken; however, my primary bone of contention is with the 4th estate. Watching this election as an outsider, I couldn't help but notice some glaring differences in this election when compared to the previous two presidential cycles in respect to the tone of mainstream media coverage. I believe the election of 2008 has gone a long way in illustrating the complete void of media integrity.

In both 2000 and 2004 we heard countless stories lamenting the enormous sums of money the candidates had raised throughout the season. We were told how money was dictating the politics of the people. It was this sentiment that led to campaign finance reform under the guise of getting this evil money and its corruptive influence out of Washington. We heard how election after election, victory did not go to the most qualified candidate but rather to the person who raised the most money. We were told that the Presidency was essentially for sale, that our selection of president was less like an election and more like a wholesale auction. The media ran countless stories from this angle implying that because of his edge in fundraising, President Bush essentially bought his admission to the White House. I'm not one to argue any of those points because I believe there is some validity to them, but it's strange how that message of the corruptive power of money was mysteriously absent from the 2008 dialogue.

We just witnessed the most expensive presidential campaign in human history yet that title doesn't seem to carry the same negative connotation as when the record was held by President Bush. In this cycle, Barack Obama raised twice as much in this election as George W. Bush did in 2004 yet somehow on this go-round the insane level of spending is not something to lament, but something to celebrate. I've seen nothing but laudatory stories praising Barack's ability to raise funds from previously untapped resources, that people who had never contributed to political campaigns were now becoming involved and contributing. In stark contrast to previous elections, we're now told that raising enormous sums of money to run a campaign is not corrupt, but rather democratic. Fundraising is even being used as a measure of popular support. The media has run nothing but positive stories extolling the virtue of the president-elect's fundraising ability and how the filling of his campaign coffers represents nothing short of democracy in action. Strange how perspective changes.

For the past 8 years every single election has been tarnished by claims of "voter irregularities." The terms "voter suppression" and "minority disenfranchisement" have dominated the media dialogue in the aftermath of every Republican-leaning election. How many disenfranchisement stories have run in this election? Despite the fact that the group ACORN was registering thousands of non-existent voters in states that don't require identification to vote, listening to the media you'd believe this was the most accurate election in human history. I find it amazing how suddenly reliable our system of voting becomes when the outcome favors the left. In no way am I claiming that Obama didn't win this election—he certainly did. My point is that the constant unfounded accusations of voter fraud during President Bush's terms in office successfully undermined his administration. That's a direct result of media coverage. The media validates bogus claims when they cover them. I have no problem with covering such stories so long as both sides receive equal scrutiny. That being said, rest assured that President Obama will not have the same lingering cloud of doubt marring his tenure.

When it comes to presidential politics, the media does not cover the same events in the same way when the results differ. They have two entirely different templates for different election outcomes. For example, when it comes to supposed voter suppression, in 2000 and 2004 we were told that long lines in primarily poor and minority neighborhoods were the result of a deliberate attempt to deter these particular Americans from casting their votes. Yet in this election, we were told that the long lines in the same neighborhoods were the result of democracy in action. Apparently waiting in long lines this time around wasn't disenfranchisement, but a measure of popular participation. Despite the fact that the percentage of registered voters turning out to the polls was unchanged from 2004, apparently the media won't let little things like facts get in the way of a good story. It's completely dishonest. I just find it odd that for 8 years we haven't had a single fair election, yet somehow this one was flawless.

As we all know, Barack Obama won the presidential election on November 4th. The next day the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 500 points. This fact went largely unreported. There's no way to prove this, but I'm relatively certain that had this 5% decline, the largest post-election day stock market decline in American history, occurred in the wake of a John McCain victory the mainstream media would have spun this event as a free-market referendum on the election result, yet on the heels of an Obama victory the story was a complete non-issue. Where was the media? It seems they were too busy participating in the Hyde Park celebration to notice the complete devaluation of our collective nest egg. I guess the reporters were so hopeful for change that no one actually noticed the change in our net worth.

I've tried discussing these cynical observations with friends, but they continually tell me that everyone is optimistic on the heels of this Obama victory and that I'm just being a Debbie Downer. This has nothing to do with the election outcome. This has everything to do with the dishonesty of the media. People rely on the media for honest information so that they can make sound decisions. What became evident in this election is how the media uses starkly contrasting templates to frame the information they present. In this respect the media has failed us and in doing so has failed America.

8:56

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lundi, septembre 01, 2008

Inner Space

Inner Space
by Josh Myers

I've recently had the adventure of a lifetime. Last Thursday I received the distinct pleasure of venturing into Inner Space where I boldly went where no man had previously gone before: my colon. I guess this requires a bit of explanation.

For years I've struggled with what I had always considered a sensitive stomach. I've been dealing with this for as long as I can remember. To give you some idea of the nature of this ailment, I've compiled a brief list of the things that are clinically proven to give me the shits. The list includes, but is not necessarily limited to the following: dairy products, salad, swimming, sweating, extreme cold, stress, breathing, traveling, second-hand smoke, waking up early in the morning, and food. To put it mildly, my life essentially revolves around the toilet.

I've ignored this problem for close to a decade, but I finally decided that I'm past due to get this checked out, so I scheduled an appointment with my family practice. I went and saw the doctor. His diagnosis: "I don't know, but that's not normal."

As helpful as that information was, it didn't provide the in-depth answers I was searching for, so he sent me to a specialist.

Now I must admit that this whole gastrointestinal diagnosis ordeal has been awkward at best. I went to the doctor, but before I could be seen I had to fill out a 120-question Scantron test describing the characteristics of my stools. It took nearly 20 minutes to complete and was actually longer than an e-harmony personality profile. I consider myself a smart guy, but I felt rather foolish since I actually had to ask the nurse for clarification on some of the questions. In retrospect, I must have looked like a complete idiot asking that poor nurse: "Now when you ask here about clay-colored stools, do you mean like red clay that you find planting a garden or like the gray clay that you used to make your mom a pot in 3rd grade art class?" That was a pretty dumb question, but it was even dumber to ask since neither one of those options even applied to me.

After completing the colon equivalent of a Myers-Briggs personality profile, a nurse took me back to the examination room to wait for the doctor. Since I bore easily, I started nosing around the room only to discover an industrial-sized tube of lubricant sitting on the counter. Of all the things that you hope not to see sitting on the counter of the doctor's examination room, I'd say an industrial-sized tube of lubricant is near the top of that list.

With stress-induced sweat now pouring down my forehead, I had a nice sit-down chat with the doctor. He asked me about my problems and I told him everything I could answer. He then told me I'd have to undergo some additional tests to determine the cause of my symptoms. There he ordered blood, stool, and colonoscopy tests. He then gave me the run-down of how to do these.

The blood test is pretty standard. All I had to do is go to the lab and get some blood drawn. Pretty simple stuff, really; however, I was taken aback by the other two…namely the stool test. For this they gave me a red plastic margarine container to take home in which I had poop in.

As strange as that sounds, even stranger were the directions.

1. The poop couldn't be stale. Even though it was sealed in its own Country Crock container, the specimen had to be rushed to the hospital laboratory within 2 hours of passing it. That doesn't give me a lot of time especially when you consider the fact that I'll have to wait in line to get this thing turned in. If it doesn't get there on time, I'd have to do the test all over again. Short of medevac-ing the poop the hospital, you pretty much had to prepare your trip prior to the bowel movement to make sure it got there in the allotted timeframe.

2. The cup must be properly labeled with my name and the time of collection. This is a task which has the potential to conflict with the freshness rule.

3. There must be sufficient poop to test. I didn't know exactly how much would be sufficient, but fortunately the medical staff provided a helpful checklist titled:

There I found the answer to my query: the amount of stool required is about the same size as "a large chicken egg."

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to this…and for good reason.

Fast forward a week. I finally got the nerve to attempt my collection. Remarkably, it was much easier to do than I had expected. I put the lid on, but then struggled with the simple task of labeling it. My name and time of collection was easy, but near the top was a line labeled "contents." I considered writing in the word "specimen," but figured that wouldn't be descriptive enough. For a moment I actually considered writing in "poop," but figured that might be a little too crude. In the end, I finally decided on "turd" and wrote it on the appropriate line.

Because I was terrified of accidental spillage, I grabbed a handful of Gladlock sandwich bags and proceeded to triple-bag the turd. Despite the wrapping job, I still felt a little self-conscious about carrying around a bag containing a large chicken egg-sized sample of turd around with me in public, so as camouflage I added a plastic Bilo shopping bag to the outer layer and headed to the car.

I have to admit it was a surreal experience driving down the road with a turd riding shotgun. When I arrived, I walked into Piedmont Medical Center with turd in hand. I had to ask for directions, but I found the lab without much difficulty; however, I was quite unnerved by what I found in the lab waiting room: a hot chick. Now I'm awkward enough around hot chicks when I'm not carrying a turd around with me. You can only imagine my level of apprehension in this particular circumstance. Fortunately the hot chick went back for her tests after just a few minutes of awkward silence, but no sooner did she leave than a 2nd even hotter chick moseyed in. I couldn't help but over-hearing that she was here for a standard pre-employment drug screening. After she filled out her paperwork, she then took a seat directly across from me. This was an ideal conversation situation. A man could not ask for a better scenario for flirtation—small room, hot chick, great conversation positioning, quiet atmosphere, two people with a common situation, yet I was completely out of my element because of the turd.

I could have theoretically started a conversation, but she would automatically assume that I'm also here for a drug test being a young, relatively healthy-looking guy. I could already foresee her asking at some point in the conversation:

"So, what company is your drug test for?"
"Oh, I'm not here for any drug test. I have a turd."

Now I don't know much about women, but I do know that it wouldn't matter how great the conversation might have been or how much headway you've made in your flirtation, all of that forward progress would immediately be negated by a turd in a bag. So rather than run the risk of complete and total humiliation, I cowered. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

A few minutes later I was called back where I handed over my turd as well as gave nearly 48 vials of my own blood. Afterwards I left the hospital light-headed, empty-handed, and remarkably still single.

With all of that behind me, I turned my attention towards the impending colonoscopy procedure. During the interim, I had the bright idea to make a documentary about the process. I charged up the camera battery and on August 20th, 2008 I started filming my first documentary.

12:00

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lundi, juin 30, 2008

My Future as a Freelance Writer

I saw an ad on craigslist for a job as a freelance comedy writer. I really don't know what the job entails exactly...or if the job even exists and someone just posted that so that they could steal my identity. Regardless, I sent them an email. They requested a writing sample which I included as well as a resume. Since I don't have any actual experience in writing, this is the resume that I sent...

1:22

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vendredi, juin 20, 2008

Jewels of the Internet Vol. 1

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jeudi, mai 29, 2008

Master of Love, Sweet Pain, and Liquid Chicken

As most of you already know, I'm a huge fan of Unknown Hinson. Now I'm a recent convert to the King of Country Western Troubadours, but the guy has been around for years. I was doing a little internet research and stumbled upon some clips from The Unknown Hinson Show. Apparently in the early 90s Unknown had his own Wayne's World-like public access show here in the Charlotte area. The quality's not very good, but figured I'd share it anyway.

Enjoy...

Unknown Hinson - Master of Love

Unknown Hinson - Product Spokesman

Unknown Hinson - "Sweet Pain"

7:03

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mercredi, mai 21, 2008

Fort Mill Vice City

Fort Mill, Vice City
by Josh Myers

I live in the small town of Fort Mill, SC. I grew up here and can remember when it was much smaller than it is today, but even with the recent population boom, the 35,000 residents who live in and around the township area would hardly place the town in the prominent place of a world map. With its quaint size and old southern feel, Fort Mill seems like it'd be the ideal locale for those seeking the peace of small town living; however, I have not found that to be the case exactly.

I believe I first started noticing change back in 2003. The change I initially observed was small. One morning the car that I owned and always parked in my driveway was no longer in my driveway. It makes sense that I couldn't see the car from my house since it was in Florida. As much as I may have wanted that piece of crap 1991 Dodge Dynasty out of my life, I did not anticipate it being stolen. Apparently this guy with the bumpy Afro and this guy who looks like Charles Mason came over to my house one day and decided that they wanted to steal my sweet ride and drive it to Daytona Beach. There was a third guy involved, but he died of Tuberculosis before they could take his mugshot. How do I know he had tuberculosis? When I was cleaning out my police-recovered vehicle I found a card with a cartoon germ on it from the CDC that read, "Tests confirm you have Tuberculosis!" You could say that these were the first subtle signs that things were beginning to change in Fort Mill.

Fast-forward to May 7th of this year and the headline: "BB&T Branch Robbed…Again." This particular branch of BB&T in my hometown of Fort Mill has been robbed twice in two years. I'm not sure what the normal rate of bank robbery is, but I'm assuming once a year is high. Apparently this robber stole money from the bank, ran across the parking lot, and was last seen hiding behind this Harris Teeter building. This video is not taken on location from the scene of the crime, but rather from my front porch. When the article states that the criminal was last seen in the area of Harris Teeter, they might as well say that the robber is at large in Josh Myers' front yard.

Fast-forward to May 20th of this year and the headline: "Police Find Body: Tip leads to rural S.C. site." That rural S.C. site just so happens to be my backyard. The body was found on Vista Rd. As you can tell from this yahoo map, I calculated the distance from my house to the dead body at 1.2 miles. It's good to know that it'd take me 15 minutes to drive to the nearest hospital, but less than 2 minutes to get to the nearest murdered corpse …depending on the traffic. We don't yet know the motive for this murder, but one thing we do know for certain: the body was found 1.2 miles from my house.

Now it's one thing to have a murdered corpse dumped in your backyard, but the problem I have is that this is not the first corpse that's been dumped here. I have no problem with finding a dead corpse: I have a problem with multiple corpses—corpses in the plural. In June of 2006 the remains of a Hispanic man was found in the woods of the same exact road. Not only did the authorities not conclusively determine this guy's cause of death, they never even figured out whose dead body it was. Regardless of the mystery surrounding this man's identity, the one thing we do know for certain: the body was found 1.2 miles from my house.

Later in 2006 another dead body was found in a burning truck in the same exact area. My brother was a volunteer firefighter who responded to this scene. He told me that this truck had been intentionally set on fire and inside was a body that had been shot in the back about 5 times and wrapped in gasoline soaked blankets. I don't know if this murder was ever solved, but one thing we do know for certain: yet another body was found 1.2 miles from my house.

I was reading an article in the Charlotte Observer about this most recent body and they interviewed a neighborhood resident Cindy Meffert who recounted seeing the search helicopters over her house and immediately thinking: "Oh no, I hope they didn't find another body." I think that's quite telling: not only was she concerned about them finding a body in her neighborhood, she's concerned about finding ANOTHER body in her neighborhood. Apparently her concerns were valid because that's exactly what they found: another body.

Most neighborhoods have problems with residents not maintaining their lawns or parking too many cars on the street. This neighborhood has a problem with dead bodies. Whereas most neighborhoods might have problems with illegal dumping of yard waste, this neighborhood has a problem with illegal dumping of human corpses.

N.I.M.B.Y. is a common acronym in political speech which stands for Not In My Back Yard. It generally applies to people who don't want nuclear reactors or landfills built in their neighborhood. In this case, I'm pretty NIMBY about dead bodies. I'm a Libertarian and therefore not particularly concerned about what happens on other people's property, but I've got to draw then line when it comes to murdered corpses. I'm not sure what the normal rate of dead body recovery is, but what I do know is that we have one road, two and a half years, and 3 dead bodies. I'm not a criminologist, but a rate of a corpse per year just seems a little high. Am I living in Fort Mill or Gotham City?

10:49

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