The next time you are washing your hands and get bummed because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.  Here are some interesting facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.  Last of all the babies.  By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.  Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.  It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying, It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house..  This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.  Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.  That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.  Hence the saying, Dirt poor.  

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.  As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.  A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.  Hence the saying, a thresh hold.  

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.  Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.  They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.  They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.  Sometimes stew had food in it that had beenthere for quite a while.  Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.  It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.  They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.  This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.  The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.  Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.  Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.  So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.  So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..

And that's the truth
...Now, whoever said History was boring? Educate someone.  Share these facts with a friend

Welp, my old workhorse no-brand PC  - after nearly 8 years of dependabllity - looks to be on the fritz, ticking like a Timex after it's last licking, time for a wake for the old fella ... So gather round and mourn with me!

The first Pentium IV I owned, 1.5Ghz of a processor, it screamed!

Dependable & 'simple' WinME!

2 drives - 120Gb of storage - more than enough warehouse!

Notes installation, built 'my' whole work application on it!

jukebox chockfull of t00nes from good ol' Napster & newsgroups!

CoolEdit 'recording studio', such as it was!

2 drive DVD d00per!

Cable ready video!

Workhorse, slow noisy old buddy, scrapheaped by time and wear.  What should I do with it?  Doorstop?  Nahh, dont think so!

Hell I survived a coupla surgeries, why not the machine? 

New CPU, new drive, new OS, more mammery, fella be good as new!  Better even!  Just have to crack out the ouija, 'eenie meenie the spirts are about to speak!', sacrifice a few virgins, quaff a pint of blood, draw circles-n-pentagrams on the floor 'n walls 'n ceiling, light a circle of candles, summon the daemons, raise it from the dais.  Wonder if MedicAid will cover the expense?

Chute, think I'll call it 'Zombie' when it wakes up - ITS ALIVE! ITS ALIVE! - make a movie: 'Night of the Living Dreadnaught'.  Barkeep - setup the room, the body aint cold yet.  Scooby Do, we gots some work to do dontcha know!  Pass me the scalpel, Dr.

(if you care to add any, leave a comment)

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Boy .. that was fun!"-

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My wife says I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she
said).

Just remember .. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called LABOUR!

Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.

I didnt ask you to dance, I said you look fat in those pants

Can you cry under water?

= = =
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

= = =
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

= = =
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

= = =
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

= = =
What disease did cured ham actually have?

= = =
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

= = =
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

= = =
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

= = =
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

= = =
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

= = =
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

= = =
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

= = =
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

= = =
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

= = =
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

= = =
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

= = =
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

= = =
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

= = =
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

= = =
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

[ WARNING: the content of this blog addresses disgusting but real physical and moral issues using graphic and concise vernacular in the discussion of same ]

This past week I had an(other) encounter with the modern US medical system.  It wasn't much to start with, "no shit, a real PIA", but - having 'survived' corrective surgery for two anal fissures in the past 20 yrs and being of the age and gender when one is aware of heightened possibilities for either colon or prostrate cancer, I thought it was best to check in with the Primary Care Physician (PCP). 

So, off the the Henry Ford Medical System (HFMS) clinic near home did I go.  PCP immediately diagnosed the symptoms as not a recurrance of an anal fissure or other condition, rather that I had a "rectal abscess" and gave me referral to Colon/Rectal first thing the next day, Tuesday the 1st of August.

Oh good, I got a pimple on my ass that wont come to a head!

Showed up at the other clinic, Lakeside, apparently a few minutes past my 11:15 appointment (dam traffic) and was scolded by the head school marm.  (shrug, so I'm late - give me 3 days off)

Into the exam room we go, with the same marmish nurse and procede to do the usual workup, age, height, weight, yadda yadda.  Was instructed to 'assume the position', which I did.  And held it for what seemed to be 15 minutes or so.

*Finally* the Bright Young Surgical Intern (BYSI) appears, accompanied by marm and another nurse (this one being somewhat english-challenged in her speech) and there passed another few minutes while they - as a team - figured out how to make the table work itself into the position they preferred (me still being in the "asssumed position' of course)

BYSI does the examination and concurs with PCP and describes procedure to correct ... local anaesthesia, needle, drain, etc.  "Sure, lets do it", I sign off.

Can we say hot poker in the ass?  FooklinA!  BYSI laughingly suggests that I have yet to "kick him in the head", to which I replied that "yet" was key word in that phrase.

All in all, being a manly man, the 5 minutes was not all that bad, and was now over with.  Plus, I was able to wrangle out of the nurse during checkout a 'Back To Work' letter for 8/8 (a week later) so I've got some - unplanned, but welcomed - vacation time coming right up, wooo hoo!

Exit Colon/Rectal clinic.  Because PCP had also diagnosed infection and started me on antibioitics she wanted me to do blood draw for current INR (as mentioned previously elsewhere, I am on coumadin - blood thinner, anticoagulation agent, result of the valve replacement) so I went and did that at the lab in the same building.

Home again, to take it easy ... I think.

One of outpatient discharge instructions was to take warm sitz baths every few hours for a couple of days to address discomfort, so around 4pm I drew a tub and peeled off the dressing for the first.  Bloody mess!  Into the tub - clots floating off me ass enough to give any CSI nightmares (or overtime)

Shrug, I was told to expect some bleeding.

Overnight - in the tub three or more times - site of procedure is not feeling *any* better, bleeding has slowed but not stopped (it was hardly ever a "hemmorage", just "leaking" consistent with an elevated INR, my "normal") ... on towards noon ... Coumadin clinic calls, "your INR yesterday was 6.3" (1 is 'normal', my target range is 2.5-3.5) so figure it is best to call BYSI about what the hell is going on?

Get voicemail (knew *that* was coming, didntcha?) ... standing by fretting waiting for call back.

Nurse for BYSI calls back, about 330, says BYSI said you should go to ER.  "Which one?" I ask ... "Which ever is closest" she says.

Oh Good.

After tucking the remaining 4x4s that I have into crack of my ass in a classic "little boy at the dyke" manuever, I head for HFMS Sterling Heights, which is the closest ER, also happens to be where the PCP is.

Sign in ~4pm

The usual check in routine, height, weight, do you smoke, yadda yadda ... and they do some blood draws.

Seen by Bright Young ER Intern ~6pm (me, of course, still sitting on their gurney in blood soaked underoos)

"What's going on?" quoth BYERI ... "Umm, you're asking me? WTF?"

Nurse enters, "ummm - your INR is up to 8.something, and when was the last time you ate? (earlier today, had no appetite) Because your blood sugar shows a level of 39"

Oh Good!

Out come the cheese & crackers, OJ bags (they really know how to treat diabetics), a couple teeny cans of Shasta Cola and an amp of Dextrose mainlined into IV.

BYERI comes back and tells me that I'm being transported "downtown", they're expecting me in ER there and will have room ready.

Remember that

Transport shows at ~8pm and gets lost taking me downtown.  Hadda nice look at some of the more savory olde town Detroit neighborhoods as they get straightened out.

Into HFMSER Main ~9pm ... and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait, on a gurney (same blood soaked underoos) in the hall. and wait

Wheeled into curtained exam area ~10 pm where seen by Bright Young Surgical Intern covering for Colon/Rectal.  Removed (cut off) blood soaked underoos and peeled off last of my 4x4s (remember those?) and received doctorly "hmmmm" looks - had she a goatee, am sure she'd have been stroking it.

Back into the hall ~11pm (at least the blood soaked underoos are gone)

12, 1, 2 ... Bright Young ER RN stops by the gurney ... "How ya doin'?" "Ummm" "Want something for pain?" "Sure" ... first 10mg of Dilaudin

~3, BYERRN, "We're going to give you 6 units of Fresh Frozen Plasma (FPP) to get your INR back to theraputic level". Start the rapid infusion (btw, Plasma is not blood, it is - in essence - a core replacement.  the volume of blood in a human body varies by weight of person in question, "typically" it is about 5 liters.  I take a "unit" to mean about 1 pint ... to me that means they wanted to replace about 1/2 of my blood supply)

~4, 5 "Hows the pain?" "Ummm" "OK, here's another Dilaudin"

~6, 7, ER Head Nurse, "Damn your blood sugar is 39! When was the last time you ate?" "Ummm, under your care, yesterday about 6pm" ... Out come the chees & crackers and another amp of dextrose.

~8, 9 Me on the cell fone to BYSI office: "Just wanted to let the Dr. know whats going on, been on a gurney in the hall of HFMSER Main since 9pm, haven't really seen anyone yet.  Be sure to tell the good Dr. how pleased I am"

~10 : 'Director' of MFMS Main Colon/Rectal shows up (certainly they had throroughly enjoyed their Starbucks by then) "Am so sorry, they did not follow my instructions" ... as if an apology makes thing better

~11, 12, 1 ... admitted / have a bed TG! ... where's lunch?  "You're NPO (nothing by mouth), surgery at 330"

[fast forward to] ~7pm : back from surgery, they did what BYSI said the inpatient procedure would avoid. IT *does* feel much better. "Where's dinner?" ... it came, cold chicken, taters & veggies, surly it had been sitting on a cart since 530 or so.  Yum!

[fast forward to] ~10am Friday ... Discharged

~1 pm Friday : home! Got 30 Vikes to tide me over, INR at 1.4 so have to be doing Lovanox (injections to control clotting) until Coumadin returns to theraputic level.

Hope I didnt bore you with this, IMHO - do EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN to avoid contact with the modern US medical system!  In all honesty, and I stress this fact, every individual that I had contact with over the past three days has been obviously concerned and did everything they possibly could to ease my discomfort.  Bottom line is, however, that the sum total of their efforts, the PROCESS, sucks like a black hole!  IMO, I'm a pretty easy going manly man and can "take it", whatever "it" get dished out.  But my god - the thought that this sort of thing is the norm - a standard of medical care in the US today - for those less fortunate among us (no insurance, not a good communicator, whatever) just drives me totally batshit!  We have to do better, damnit!

[ Yo Tom ... how come the list of blog categories doesn't include HUMOR ?? ]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

credit where credit is due:

this was shamelessly scraped from a post in the Humor forum on FTW.com, by 98Nascar