I could fret about the goings-on in the Middle East or Mexico but I'm as shallow and short-minded as the next asshole, so I'm going to ruminate on the important things.

Such as, what the fuck is going on at McDonald's and Rubio's? You see, I just learned today of the existence of both "restaurants'" double-fisted fuck you to the cheeseburger.

I'll start with Rubio's, which if you're not familiar is a fish taco eatery. It's okay. It's better than the Green Burrito shoved in the corner of your Carl's Jr. but so's the hairball my cat left me for breakfast this morning.
To paraphrase Chef Ramsay, restaurants should pick one cuisine or style and do it bloody well. Remember I said Rubio's is a fish taco eatery? Please to find the fish in this, then:
This is a joke, right? Not even stoners would eat that. Tortillas are not the new bread, assholes. There are some things that should never be wrapped in a tortilla for consumption purposes, and topping that list in my mind is the upchucked contents of a Big Mac. The Mac Snack Wrap from Hell is such an abomination, there's no mention of it on McDonald's own site. I'd laud them a little for having a little shame but they've clearly spent ad revenue so fuck 'em.

I can't decide which would win in a fight to the death inside my colon. Wait, not my colon, yours. Wait, I wouldn't wish either of these on aught but my worst enemy. All's I know is, those are insults to the institute of Cheeseburger and frankly, anti-American. Has someone notified Toby Keith yet? Do you know what this means? The terrorists have won, people. It's because we let the gays marry, isn't it? Oh wait, not here. Shit. I'll get back to you.

As we ALL know by now, I have the worst luck when driving. Here's today's escapade: fellow pulls out of a parking lot in front of me, cutting me off and cutting off my forward motion across the intersection. For someone that in a hurry to get out the Rite Aid lot, he then takes his sweet time making a right.
I pull around to go straight to my office parking lot. I probably pull around a little quickly. I know I pull around and tap my horn. There was probably a middle finger extended in good will, as well.

He follows me into the lot and, when I open my door, he's waiting right there to berate me for his mistake. I didn't see the U-turn he must have - illegally - banged out mid-Sunset Blvd. to follow me, but no matter. I could have killed him. Yes. My mighty GOLF OF DOOM certainly would've done him some damage. He was driving an SUV-type, so I suppose it's possible the slightest ding from me could've sent him rolling.

Yeah, no.

He also whipped out a badge, denoting himself either a Federal agent or a fan of Cracker Jacks, I didn't take the time to take a closer look, because what was he going to do? Ticket me? Arrest me? Aren't we still looking for the terrorists?

The best part, though, was when the two douchebag security guards who witnessed the scenario from the street corner came to join the melee.
One said to me, cutely, "You were going awfully fast, you know."
I replied, cutely, "Jealous?"
As they were both on Segways.

And then I went to work, and I was only a minute late.