After seven years, three publishing deals in the works, and an amazing agent- we finally have Godless Grief in our hands. It's available not only in hard copy but in Kindle, (ebook), format. The Kindle version can be read on ipod, as well. The sales price is $19.95. There's also a second book due out in the next .. well I won't say when because seven years wasn't expected on book one.

Book one is a general grief book, lots of different forms of loss. There are some practical, "what do I do if..." examples. The second book is JUST regarding loss because of death. It covers topics such as Guilt, Fear, Expectation. There are anecdotes from those who have read this blog and the primary site. If you want to have a story included, please email cj@godlessgrief.com and tell me your tale. If it makes the book, I'll give you a free copy.

I appreciate all of the support you've given over the years on this project. It's hopefully going to open the eyes of non-atheists as to our grief process, too. It's not an anti-religious series- it's a pro-humanist series. There are great books out there that argue the valid, pragmatic points of Atheism. This is about emotions, and not arguments. I am grateful to al who have offered input.

The forum is live, and if you want to sign up just drop me an email to Forum Moderator at AtheistGrief@yahoo.com so we can verify your email address. Seems spambots love these forums, and we're doing all we can to stop them.

cathe
godlessgrief.com

David Carradine found in a hotel in Bangkok. Dom Deluise laughed his way to the cemetary. Farrah Fawcett finally gave up her cancer fight. Ed McMahon who had been in hospitals since February, and in and out for years, let his age take its course. Burlesque star Gail Storm is gone. Michael Jackson's death is as mysterious as his life. And then, there's Billy Mays. Sunday night, my friend and former client, Fred Travalena lost his battle with lymphoma. He had won the battle in the past, and this past June he was diagnosed again.This has been a long week of idol-ectomy going on in the world. In the UK it seemed a lot of the old time television stars were dropping away this past winter.

When we lose public figures we lose all of the memories we associate with them. It's the days we spent with friends in a movie theater quote every line from Blazing Saddles. It's those times when you had your first high school dance, and they played THAT song. You remember the poster in your room, or the hair that you had to have. You remember the first movie that had a "topless" scene. You remember wondering what "grasshopper" did between school and traveling, and what his parents thought about it all. And, you probably remember screaming back at the television. I did. I also remember the days I worked with and for Fred Travalena, who was a gracious man and a wonderful musician, as well as comedian.

Fred's wife Lois, who always epitomized "Classy Lady" to me, sent an email out to her address book, of which I'm a part, letting us know of Fred's passing. He was a fine singer, as well as an impressionist that launched careers of many people. He worked on Cruise ships the last few years, and always had one of the cleanest shows around. He also rescued animals, and did great work for other people battling cancer. He won against the disease the first time- and just a year from his last diagnosis didn't get the same results.

Idols and heroes are mortal. Our memories are as long-lived as our minds.  What we do with those memories is how we honor those people in our lives- whether family, friend, or even hero. I've said this a number of times, and I continue to believe that the best and most heart felt tributes are the ones that we know we share by either continuing someone's legacy by continuing on with work they've done, or by honoring a memory by sharing a private tribute in some way. Yet, we see hundreds of thousands of people who are somehow attached to ideals of their idols during the time of their death. They sit in search of solace outside of doors and windows. When Kurt Cobain killed himself, it was days before young people left the site of the home. When Elvis died- he left behind a home that is still visited by many of his fans, from every country. What is accomplished in such behavior?

When people share an experience, whether it be a death, or the events of 9-11, the shared experience brings out our Human-ity. We somehow lost a connection to something that is familiar and we try to fill that loss with the idea that others are also experiencing and understanding US by sharing this loss. Funerals and memorials work to provide a common tie to others who want to share experiences. Roy Horn was attacked on an October night several years ago, and many of the Las Vegas performers, artists, and even his own crew and cast sat by the hospital waiting to hear something. Atheists and theists alike shared that moment. We all looked to each other for memories, and happy stories. We all sat in the dark, not knowing moment from moment what the news would be- and it united us. It wasn't a matter of religion, or ritual, it was a matter of human need to feel connected.

This week has provided us with many losses. For some of us it was as simple as the friend who comes by weekly, sitting by a husband who was told his condition is terminal and inoperable. We shared a loss even before the man died. For others it was the news blaring that we have lost iconic figures who may have been part of our childhood, or even our entire life. I can't picture an evening as a child that wasn't filled with chats of Johnny Carson or the days when I was first learning stand-up that I didn't emulate Carlin. Travalena was one of the first comedians I ever saw on television, and he and David Brenner greatly influenced me. I'm fortunate in getting to meet my personal heroes because of my work. For many, all they know of their heroes is what is presented. There isn't any clue of the wizard behind the curtain, although our perceptions and the reality may be entirely different.

I still haven't met Phyllis Diller. I never got to meet Danny Kaye. Heroes are simply what we allow them to be for us. We can decide that someone is a great thinker, a good person, an amazing musician, an awe inspiring comedic pundit, and  humanitarian. We can make them what we want them to be. When we see them as human, as mortal, as flawed, we often wonder how we got the idea that they were immortal ideals in the first place. Sometimes it is better to never meet the person so you can always hold that tenet of the ideal- and have something to aspire towards. Yet, mortals die. Mortals have flaws. Mortals aren't always the nicest people. And, these are the people we admire. When we lose them, we lost the aspiration to that ideal we've held them to. We lose the ideal that we too could someday be heroes. And we grieve for this.

In your loss, if you feel any, this week or in the past... keep your mind open to the idea that you can accomplish far more than the publicity machine of your hero led you to believe. Believe that you are just as important to the idols you admire- because you are certainly just as human, just as flawed, just as important to someone else. And, if you want to hold a memorial, and share your memories, you can- you are human.

One thing I love about the Atheist community is that we're a community of very vocal individuals, as a whole. The irony of those who assume that atheists aren't community based isn't lost on me-- or many of the organizations that meet regularly. But it is a bit of a tragedy to hear that Free Speech and Free Thought aren't always in the forefront of people who congregate to discuss things godless. At the Atheist Alliance International meeting, I did note that there were quite  a few people visiting the sales booths of authors, politicians, and organizations, only to offer THEIR interpretation of the booth sitter's P.O.V.

Case in point.. Dean Cameron, a righteous Atheist of fine skills in politics via theater- and all around good guy, by the way- sat at a table with his brilliant Bill of Rights Security Edition. It's a plate that cannot go through the scanners of the TSA in airports, and ensures that those who are in the job of security are taking away the Bill of Rights. Love it. Brilliant.

He was sitting there talking about this genius plan. And, he talked about the Nigerian Spam Scam Scam show, too. One woman explained HER world view, socialist, and why that HER world view should be HIS world view. She actually debated him for being of the belief that in a country that is founded on the rights of the individual, that HER rights were far more important as a socialist, and others MUST comply. What? What??? 

I think she missed a key point. Dean isn't her demographic. Neither am I. Yet, I get told I'm socialist all of the time. I do not believe there should be a bicameral election system, as it excludes those from the Libertarian Party, Green Party, and yes, Socialist party, to voice a vote prior to the primaries, as the Dems and Reps seem to assume they own the rights to- and that to me is archaic and sad. I don't like that any PARTY system puts more power into play than the individuals behind the vote, and I am told, this means I'm a socialist. Right. Not. Even. Close.

I think that if Amazon can count how many people like Harry Potter v. Sylvia Browne , there is a way to put a voting process in place that includes None of The Above, and ALL parties and can fairly tabulate the actual numbers behind the statistics. Maybe that's as silly as walking on the moon, but whatever. Doesn't make me socialist, it makes me a statistician with grandiose aspirations.

Then, I did the Atheists United meeting last weekend, and it was also eye opening as to what I'm apparently 'allowed" to say, as a comedian, or perhaps, as a woman. Three people felt it their duty to explain to me, what I said, and what it did to insult them, or rather in one case, what it didn't do. A lot of my writing/comedy is about what people aren't supposed to say, and for over 20 years, I make it a point of pointing that irony out during every show. But, one gent didn't quite understand that point and instead, wanted me to "just say it"...which is the antithesis of my point. One person had zero problem with me pointing out flaws in the stereotyping of people- yet didn't want me to talk about 'the Jews'. And, still another apparently huffed for a full 50 minutes after he came into the event 20 minutes late, and I made the remark, "I hope you shook twice and thought of me.." as we all heard a toilet flush as he walked in. The joke was there..yet, he was primed to tell me how much he didn't appreciate me talking about, ready? his penis. Okay. And then proceeded to tell me to "never talk about that again. Ever."

So much for free thought or free speech. But they made my point. They didn't even realize they are now part of the act. Just as the woman who tried to convert Dean Cameron to Socialism, and I am thinking vegetarianism, if I'm not mistaken- people who use free speech to shut OTHERS down aren't free thinkers in any way shape or form. They are welcome to their opinions, but to squelch another's thought process is just as wrong as any other form of censorship.

This brings me to the Fuck Censhorship Show. I've been writing this for some time, and it's now part of the Short Bus Comics show. I use Barbie and some other "fashion" doll, to speak in a childlike way, about the ridiculous stereotypes we have- and if we didn't have them- we would be liars. Liars. Yep. I said it. Stereotypes exist as basic truths, and politically correct addicts are those who lie, and censor more than anyone.

I am a gimp. I own the word. I am disabled, chubby, opionated, and frankly, enjoy it. I know I'm in pain, and I know I have great parking. I have a family that has black, asian, european, poor, rich and weirdly insane people. When someone says to me, "Don't say "gimp', that's self defeating" I think, "this person has been abused by the PC-world." Political correctness is an insufferable tool. The Bush regimes used it to label people "Unpatriotic" when they've had opinions other than christian and about the War. When anyone hangs on the "you can't say that' phrase- I have to wonder - what are they lying about and why are they censoring others?

Fuck censorship. We should be able to disagree with each other. We SHOULD be able to tell someone our opinion, but not at the expense of ordering another to think as we do. If they do, great, we get along. If they don't. LISTEN. Learn. Understand. You may get an insight as to why someone has a belief or understanding of things you do not comprehend. It's how we work as a society. But telling someone else what to say or do- without being asked, I mean, of course- is just selfish, egotistical, Bushwacked, and Censorship. It is disrespectful of that person's humanity. It's disrespectful of your own right to free speech. I may hate what you say, you may hate what I say, but who the hell am I , or who the hell are YOU to tell each other "don't say that".

Fuck censorship.

This morning, 11am, Center for Inquiry-West, on 4733  Hollywood Blvd- FREE, FREE and did I mention free? I'll be doing a non-godless grief based comedy event, but- Atheists United is meeting, so it may be a Q&A, too.

Hope to see you there!
cbj

When we're having our lowest times in life, there's nothing in the world, and in our entire human-being,  that states, "Only those who believe in a god or religion needs to have assistance from psychologists, psyciatraists, or social workers." Yet, there are Atheists who prefer to SHAME people who seek out responsible medical help.

Some "bad neighbor Atheists", as James Randi calls them have sent me letters, or emails just refusing to believe that Atheists are supposed to grieve, and certainly shouldn't use, and I'll quote one letter because it is 180 degrees from the truth:

"Jones, we don't need any crutches. No pills, no prayers, no doctors giving a panacea and sending us off in a foggy mist of psycho-babble."

My first response was, "Who was the mental health professional assigned to him to make him so close minded to the idea that MEDICAL professionals are a crutch during times of loss?" But more so, I wondered, how many other people feel this way aren't getting help necessary to get through the really rough patches in life.

Many letters as of late are regarding the great "It's not a depression" scare that we're amidst. Retirees are writing that they are now supporting adult children, and cannot afford their own bills. Employees of long standing are now on the chopping block at places the family has worked in for generations. We're developing a shell-shocked generation of "NO one cares, I'm just a number, so let's have dessert first." Wreckless behavior is on the rise, and with that, tragic deaths. Banks are closing before people tap into their IRAs and force the closures. It's just sad. It's sad that the people who saw it coming were told, "that will never happen." And, these same people, despondent, confused, and bewildered, are being told, "Go to church and pray about it."

We'll stop at that first. No Atheist needs to PRAY to make the world's troubles go away. Talking to yourself is great at calming YOU down but it won't do anything to your neighbor, or your children's future other than keep you out of it for a few moments. STAY in the NOW. Simple neuro-lingistic programming DOES work at keeping us focused, and the mind/body response DOES work at keeping us focused on solutions. Prayer occupies the mind in the same way dreams and fairytales do- the outcomes are out there, unreal, and often just a random tangent of neurons firing based on the part of the brain most stressed at the moment. (ie. You spent the day worry about a car breaking down, and you later dream you own a car that has a flat tire.)

Meeting with groups of people to talk to an invisble entity doesn't help. Meeting with groups of people to form actions and plans will. Get with other people from your company and learn how to cut corners that will make the organization see the PEOPLE as valuable as long as there are ways to cut other things. (Do you really need a soda machine in the hall? Does it matter if the paper you print on is pulp stock or standard?) Start making a solution team, and cut expenses- car pool, offer prizes in gas cards to people who come up with the innovative ways to keep the company affloat.

Meditation and prayer are not the same. Meditation is a state of turning your mind into a calm  place from the many thoughts bounced around and argued, events, calandars, bills due, children, illnesses- etc... When we meditate, we are taking moments in the NOW, and saying, "This is my time to NOT think of anything other than what calms me." (puppies, oceans, big sky, anything that puts you in a place of nothing matters for five minutes.) EMBRACE those quiet times. That is what meditation does.

As an animal trainer, I've noticed most of my animals will do just this. If there's a tassle, or one of the cagemates isn't feeling well, or they're waiting for foodtime, many will simply sit in one spot. They aren't causing another animal any stress, and they aren't falling asleep- they just sit, some brush their faces- and just wait. It lasts about a minute or two- then they're back to bouncing and begging for ratty-chow, but they take that time to go from 100% play to 100% calm. It's a forced moment to live in the now- without any interruptions- and can be as short as 30 seconds. Suddenly you'll find your energy easier to tap into for the things that are most pressing, and you'll do better at it.

I'll say this until I have eggplants growing from my ears- but it's more than true. ALL of the human species rely on ritual of some sort. There's no hoodoo juju, and there's not a single church involved. Ritual is merely a structured set of events, shared or not, that helps a person get through the acknowledgement of an event.

I repeat: Ritual is merely a structured set of events, shared or not, that helps a person get through the acknowledgement of an event.

Acknowledgement of something means you are at a point of understanding something better. If we get hired to a new job, a ritual could be decorating a cube so we feel the person who was there before no longer has a presence, and we now belong there. If someone we love is in ICU, we know that by visiting on specific times, and saying specific things, we have acknowledged s/he is in pain, and we have made a commitment to help ease that pain.

If someone we love dies, we may perform an act that would have made that person laugh in our time together. We do this to honor the memory, and to remind ourselves, our moments together did matter- and will always matter long after s/he is gone.

For instance, my foster mom died in 2001- Every Saturday night, I ensure I'm by the PBS station, watching "As Time Goes By", the show we would sit for hours watching in he home. It's a ritual I've maintained for most of the last seven years. During the time, I feel close to those memories, and the years we spent together. I don't hunt for her ghost, or do seances or other self-serving nonsense designed to make someone rich-- I just honor the person I miss by continuing a ritual of something we enjoyed together.

Medications are NOT designed to stop you from grieving loss. They're designed to help you get through anxiety, depression, and chemical imbalances that naturally occur when we are facing loss. Most people given medications for their response to grief have these as short-term solutions. You aren't "mental", nor are you "lazy" for taking them. We're well past the days when we'd jail a woman for having post-partum depression, PMS, or even FREE WILL. Doctors are trained in mental health at every teaching hospital in the world.

There IS a thing called post-traumatic stress disorder. It doesn't mean you were in a war zone. During the earthquakes in 1994 in Southern California, hundreds were suffereing the PTSD symptoms, afraid to leave homes, aftraid to drive highways as they watched the 14/I-5 interchange fall, afraid to leave their jobs because looting was everywhere. These all fall into post traumatic stress, and asking for help is by no means a religious right. It is a human right.

 

1. Denial: Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."'Not to me!"

2. Anger: Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"

3. Bargaining: Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."

4. Depression: Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"

5. Acceptance:

 

In fact there are at least thirty other responses the "average" person feels- including relief, which doesn't make you a bad person. Guilt- the disccusion I posted earlier- is a huge part of loss for some. And others will feel acceptance, and nothing more. NO one has to go through five stages of anything- it's not human nature, it's an observation made by one person. Human nature shows time and again that we're far more complex and far less likely to live in the NOW, thereby invalidating much of the work Ross did.

 

I'll close this long note on the letter I got that said, "That doesn't sound Atheist to me..." when I said being around friends and community is a good way to help heal." In fact, ATHEISTS have strong human bonding, and have strong, smart intelligent communities. They won't pray for you, but they'll make sure your bills are paid, or your face is clean. Pragmatic is the plan of the day- and that's a large part of what community does- it puts us in a state of self-acceptance. That's quite humanitarian based, and certainly deity-free.

This last weekend of September was spent in the harbor on The Queen Mary in Long Beach, California. Aside from a couple who took it upon themselves to try to convert all whom they saw wearing "Atheist" on badges, the event was quite lovely.

From Bobbie Kirkhart, to Ellen Johnson, I was fortunately surrounded by super-star women in the Atheist community, and at the helm was now retired Alliance President, Margaret Downey. At every turn, nothing but positive influence, and positive reinforcement that the freethinking community is alive, well, and filling up convention halls.

On Saturday, the 27th, I was even more honored to meet up with some people who wanted to participate in the Godless Grief workshop. There were some lovely people who had experiences to share, and on couple whose daughter even worked on making a film about their growth as Atheists much later in life.

An interesting comment was brought up during the workshop- it was about loss and guilt. We have to remember that guilt is one of the few emotions we feed to ourselves, and often rather than an emotion of conscience, and consciousness, it's an emotion of self-defeat. It's a natural response when we feel helpless, or at fault for an event, and it can be consuming if we don't realize there are lessons learned by it.

For example, if you have accidentally killed a person in a car wreck, the natural response is remorse, and a sense of guilt. It is also the only emotional response we seem to grab onto as a self-punishment, rather than one that teaches us about our own humanity. After time passes, and after you have confronted the people, or even yourself, about your feelings, you can either realize what lessons you have gained from the experience, seek some forgiveness - again from others, or within, and understand that your guilt is now something that has taught you that you have love for your fellow man, rather than apathy. That makes you a better person, a stronger person, a more HUMAN person.

Some people carry their guilt as a badge- like the great Scarlett Letter for all those around them to see. For years they struggle with the concept that they are to be punished for something they've done, and when others don't continally admonish them,  they do it to themselves. In fact, that's a self-perpetuating form of guilt, and doesn't help you grow, or learn, or understand that even if you are at fault for something in someone else's life, you live a life of serendipity, and you aren't going to impress upon the world how much self-torture you are enduring. That's only something you understand. Only you can see your pain in this, and only you can decide if you deserve this.

You have the right to feel sadly, and to feel remorse, and you can know that if you at least acknowledge you were wrong, and can learn, you can help yourself learn forgiveness. It doesn't discount the event, and it doesn't mean you are no longer remorseful, or feel for those who have been directly affected. But it does mean you can give yourself enough kindness, and love, to say you are as human as the rest of us, and at some point EVERYONE hurts some one else. Maybe the events aren't as dramatic as causing someone else to die, but it can be just as painful for someone to lose a friendship, or a marriage, or even contact with family members, and all of these events bring guilt.

Others seem to discover that you can at some point take yourself from the equation, learn to forgive yourself, and start to see the event with objective eyes. For instance, in the car wreck example, if you realize the car had bad brakes, or your loved one didn't wear a seat belt, or there were underlying medical conditions you may not have known about, you can learn to readjust your thoughts to not fully bear the loss as entirely your fault. It isn't saying "it's someone's time" like the religious like to spout on about- it's saying, "I did what I could do at the time, with the amount of knowledge that I had....and did all I knew how to do." That's self-acceptance, and can be a form of forgiveness.

I am going to have a full chapter on this in the upcoming book, but the final guilt lesson- it's okay to feel GOOD after a loss. That seems to be a well of guilt for some. When a spouse dies, for example, and it's been the right amount of time- that only YOU will feel- and you're ready to date, or enjoy  yourself with friends, or even laugh again, there's nothing to punish yourself for in doing so. You deserve to be happy. You are living, in the moment, in the now, and in the reality that you have the capacity to love, laugh, and be yourself. You, as a human, and as a living breathing person, have the right to enjoy moments. Maybe they are small at first, but you are entitled to them. And, you don't need to tell yourself that you don't get to have these moments simply because someone in your life is no longer there. They had time to laugh when they wanted to, and now they are gone. It's an  honor of the memory of someone we cared about to laugh at what once made us happy.

And, you deserve to be in the now. The now is only guarantee we have. Enjoy the sound of the world behind you, the feel of the chair below you, and the smells, or textures around you. You are alive. Enjoy that. It's you being you, and no one can punish you for that except YOU. And why? Why punish yourself for being alive? It's something we have for such a short time. Guilt won't help you get through your day. It will only feed the idea that you don't deserve to live in the now. In fact, YOU DO. It may be painful somedays, but that reminds us we are human.

And humanity is the power of free thinkers everywhere.

cj

Where do you find Julia Sweeney, formerly of Saturday Night Live, having a chat with Ellen Johnson, Executive Director of Godless Americans Political Action Committee, while enjoying a moment with DC Atheist Advocate, Lori Lipman-Brown? How about sharing a coffee break with August Brunsman from the Secular Students Alliance and Jason Torby from the Military Association of Atheists and Freethinkers? The time has come for the 14th Annual Atheist Alliance International Convention, held this year at the Queen Mary, in Long Beach, Ca., called "Unsinkable Atheism".

There are dozens of workshops and events planned, including one for Locks of Love, and a blood drive. Student discounts do apply to the convention and dinner fees, and are substantial. The woman who wrote the song that is all over radio and satellite, "I Kissed A Girl", Jill Sobule, appears, along with an entire theater company doing a bit of Religionmania. Aside from entertainment and charitable events, the convention boasts a wide array of workshops and lectures including Jennifer Bardi- Anchoring Your Atheist Story; James Underdown- Navigating the Media; August Berkshire- Starting Your Own Radio Show; and dozens of other events to promote communication in our community. Panels include Women Recovering from the Constraints of Religion and a special recognition festival for Atheists in Foxholes. For those who are trying to get through loss, without the inappropriate prayers offered, there is even a workshop on Godless Grief.

The convention offers an online streaming video for those who cannot make a journey to the various programs in person. The prices are quite reasonable:
1. $75 for all three days (Friday night-Sunday morning)
2. $20 Friday night only
3. $40 Saturday (all day and all night)
4. $20 Sunday morning only
To purchase a password, please visit:
http://www.onsitestreaming.com/index.php

And, if you would like to attend in person, visit the website and register:
$150 (AAI Member); $160 (Non-Member)
$80 (Full-Time Student Rate—Student ID required). The cost of the convention includes- a souvenir speakers booklet, Friday-night hors d'oeuvre and entertainment, a Friday night concert, admission to the exhibition hall, Saturday morning workshops, Saturday afternoon plenary, Saturday Happy Hour with hors d'oeuvres and music, Saturday night plenary with a musical presentation, Sunday Continental Breakfast, Sunday plenary, and Closing Ceremony. Additional charges exist for dinner, luncheon, and special "Fun Raising" events. Parking at the event is $12 per day, and the location is wheelchair accessible.

Exhibitors for the convention floor include:

American Atheists
American Humanist Association
Americans United for Separation of Church and State
Aspiring Atheist
Atheist Alliance International
The Atheist Spot
Atheists United
The Bill of Rights Security Edition
The Brights' Net
Center For Inquiry-Los Angeles
Center for Spirituality and the Mind
Charlie's Playhouse
EvolveFish
Final Exit Network
Godless Americans Political Action Committee
Hope Press
Libros Revolución
Military Association of Atheists and Freethinkers
Orange County Atheists
Orange County People for Animals
Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science
Secular Coalition for America
Secular Nation Podcast Station
Secular Student Alliance
Scouting For All
Stephen Uhl

I stand out side of my house in Las Vegas, watching each penultimate moment of the explosions George Romero termed "Sky Flowers" in his epic Day of The Dead. In the background, I hear the screams of the corner bought rockets, as they are launched by children from HOA approved driveways. I think on how many of those children are waiting for a parent if not both to return from the Middle East in a war that no one quite understands. This is my forty-fifth year on the planet, and I am struck at how deeply the sight is affecting me.

At the Veterans Clinic I've met dozens of World War II, Korean, and Viet Nam soldiers, as well as those who fought in the battles of my contemporaries. Once I spoke with a man who was stationed on the Arizona. He started to talk and the entire waiting room just stopped any other conversation, and we all sat attentive to his remembrance of that day. You could hear in his voice, and see his eyes, and know that every minute of his life there after was only a shadow of what was then.

He had been a boy of nineteen. I say, boy, although, anyone who is given a machine gun, and told to either live by his wits or die in a foreign land is certainly no child. His brother was already a survivor of other battles in Europe, and was already home by the time he enlisted. Despite protests from his war-scarred sibling, he marched into the recruiting office ready to submit to duty. His first command in the Navy was aboard the USS Arizona. He was there for only a week when he saw the planes overhead, and heard the first of what he thought was several explosions. He said he was just complaining to someone that he wasn't going to have leave for weeks because he was such a rookie. The next thing he remembers is bending over the same guy trying to determine if he was alive or not, then watching water take over. You could hear it in his voice that he was still listening for the sounds in life in the dead sailor.

Not a week later, I heard the story of Pat Tillman, who was only one example of the over three thousand who had died in the war that no one understands. His death, shadowed by more confusion than most, certainly was one that was prefaced with the sound of screaming rockets, and the launch of mortar in the air. It's the loss of the thousands that diffuse my excitement of the bright lights, colors, and shiny lights of fireworks. It's my forty-fifth year and it's not a joyful experience. In 1945, the lights of the rockets were not beautiful. In 2005, the lights were equally horrifying.

And, here I am in the 45th year of life, wondering how many children are losing their parents to the same beautiful firecrackers that they are excited to see on this holiday. My innocence has finally left.

Well... we got some good news.. I won't have to do what the publisher wanted.. change the book to a non-atheist one. That was a contract breaker. SO I finally have a free slate to publish with a NEW publisher.

That's the better news..the book is getting updated so it's got some information based on the last two years. :)

I'll keep you posted!

CJ