Wow, it’s been over a year since my last blog.  And the theme remains the same - uncertainty.  Once again I find myself in a position to need new housing - this time because the landlady decided she didn’t want dogs living here after all.  So I lose a great roommate, and have to start ALL OVER AGAIN.  It’s so exhausting, and somewhat dispiriting.  Of course, this landlady is a nutjob, and lives attached, and getting out of this situation will be good.  But - ugh - MOVING.  AGAIN!!!

Some things have become more certain.  I have a great job that I like a lot.  I make too little money.  But other than that, I’m happy, relatively healthy, and enjoying myself.  I’ve taken up yoga and started bicycling. I’ve gotten involved in my neighborhood and my community.  I campaigned for Hillary (still hoping and hoping).  And I have a few new gray hairs.  (OK, who am I kidding - quite a few new gray hairs.)

So, while some uncertainty remains, some things are settled, and overall, life is good. 

Keep posted.

My life is full of uncertainty.  By summer I don't know where I'll be living, what job I'll be doing, whether I'll have finished my degrees (stupid stupid stupid thesis and professional report), so many things uncertain.  More immediately, I have big decisions to make which seem so important in the moment, but years from now probably won't make any difference.  Or will they?  I feel wrapped in confusion, fear, regret, anxiety.  I know this time in my life is not supposed to be smooth sailing, I'm not supposed to be calm.  But I've created such a strange web for myself, and I then seem surprised to find myself caught in my own net.  But here I am.  How to extricate myself, now that is the question.  And what awaits me on the other side?

I don't know.  I don't know, my friends. 

In the meantime, shower, go to school, go to bed, go to work, rinse, repeat.  Step to the music, run until I feel free, scream until I let go . . . ahhhhh. 

 

 

I was just sitting in the backyard, smoking what I hoped would be in inspirational cigarette, wondering why the words don't come.  I have one last project, due at noon tomorrow, which I have had all day (indeed, all semester) to work on, and it is still not done.  I have stared at my screen, fiddled around, written a little, and have not finished.  I don't know why.  So I sat outside in this beautiful Fall afternoon, looking at the crisp blue sky with a few meandering white clouds, gazing at the brown leaves on the ground, and the red, orange and yellow ones still clinging to the branches forming a thin canopy over my head.  The air felt so nice, the sunlight so lovely. 

I gazed at those leaves and realized I am just like one of them.  I burn brightly, colorful, joyous, full of dying color and crisp around the edges.  Then I lose my grasp from the anchor above, and fall, swaying back and forth in the light breeze, this way and that.  I feel the wind buffeting me in many directions, up, down, and side to side.  I continue in a free fall, changing as I fall, returning and departing time and again, emotions swelling and collapsing, dancing to and fro in the crisp air, until I glide to the wintry ground, brown and spent, returning to the earth which gave me life.  After a time, I then spring forth anew, green and fresh, full of new possibility and the strength of youth, once again firmly tethered to my supportive branch, secure and bright.

This Winter too will pass, and Spring will come once again.  My life will be renewed.

I wonder why I cannot cry.

When it rains, it pours . . .

Why is it always too few or too many? I have on my desk a plate with no less than THREE pieces of chocolate cake on it. Wonderful, right? Lots of chocolate. Lots of sugar. Lots of cake. Mmmmm. But its hard to enjoy so much all at once. A little at a time would be so much nicer, and I could savor it in little bits. But its all at once, I cant put it away because I wont be back for nearly a week, so its now or never. But thats just cake. OK.

So tonight Im going to a concert (Chris Isaak!), and have a battle of dates. One too many. One wouldnt commit, the other got really excited about going, and now the one is upset to not go with me, and the other is stubbornly refusing to give up his spot. Well, its supposed to be nice to get fought over, but I dont really think its all that fun after all. An embarrassment of riches, like with the cake. Nice separately or at different times, but not all once. Something has to go by the wayside.

And I dont know whether I should feel bad, indignant, or just give them both the tickets and go to the movies, heck with it. Maybe stay here and get more work done. Eat more cake. ..

Nah. Im gonna enjoy the show. Ive been looking forward to this for weeks or longer. Then I have a great conference to attend, next weekend is ACL (Austin City Limits Music Festival for you non-Austinites), and then two weeks of work and homework to catch up on! Yee-HAW!

Have a wonderful weekend yall.

So, this semester is kicking my ass already, and it's only the second week. I'm still working at the city (15 hours), TAing (10 hours), taking a full load (overload at the moment, but that's soon to change), and working on multiple committees, some of which I'm committed to and paid for. So I'm overdoing it. Like usual.

The thing is that I'm not used to all of this yet. I want my summer back, where I just worked and played. I'm already tired, grumpy, and feeling overwhelmed. I'm leaving this weekend for a 5-day conference, and next weekend is ACL Music Festival, so I'm losing 2 weekends of study time. I don't know how I'm going to catch up.

Everyone is making demands on me and my time.  I feel put-upon all the time.  I know some of that is unavoidable (duh, I'm a TA) - but the variety of demands is a bit overwhelming.

On Wednesdays I'm in class until 9:00 p.m. On Thursday mornings I have an 8:00 a.m. ACCOUNTING class. UGH. Accounting is bad enough, but worse for 3 hours early in the morning after a late night. Every week. And I TA right after this, so I have to rush back across campus to get in 30 min. late to the class I TA. Wonderful.

So I'm riding up the escalator to class this morning. Tired. Grumpy. Etc. James Brown comes on the iPod. "Papa Don't Take no Mess." My legs start bending. My hips start swaying. I can't help it. James Brown, man! I'm bopping on the escalator at 7:45 a.m., and feeling better by the minute. Let's make it "Mama Don't Take no Mess!"

Maybe they should market James Brown as a cure of some kind for morning ills.

:) Prof. is here. Time to learn ACCOUNTING. UGH!!!!

Clarity a blur
Reality escaping
Into mistiness

I just went to our supply room to find a highlighter (because all my highlighters seem to have walked away, and I needed a new one), and what do I find? A PURPLE, smear-proof highlighter. Purple. I didnt know they made those! I know its such a little thing, but it just made my day! I still have too much work to do (and no idea how Ill finish it all before my internship ends), I still dont know how Im going to juggle all the elements of my life once school starts, I still dont know how to sort out my personal life, or how Ill get my room organized in time for school to start, but . . .

For today, anyway, I have a purple highlighter. Maybe everything will turn out all right, after all . . .

OK, I know I'm WAY overdue for a real blog. And I will get to it soon - maybe while I'm home recovering from my cold this weekend. In the meantime, enjoy this tidbit I just spotted as an AP item in our local paper. Man. I can't even comment - the story stands alone!

Man Trapped Waist-Deep in Chocolate

KENOSHA, Wis. It might sound like a chocoholic's dream, but stepping into a vat of chocolate became a two-hour nightmare for a 21-year-old man Friday morning.

The man, an employee of a Kenosha company that supplies chocolate ingredients, told police he got into the tank at Debelis Corp. to unplug it and became trapped waist-deep in the chocolate.

"It was pretty thick. It was virtually like quicksand," said Police Capt. Randy Berner.

Co-workers, police and firefighters tried to free the man but couldn't get him loose until the chocolate was thinned out. Berner said the worker was taken to a hospital for treatment of minor injuries.

OK, this is from the Associated Press.  I swear to god it's not from the Onion or any other "fake" paper.  I laughed so hard, I just had to share it.

Any dog owners out there think a dog needs to be "berserk" to eat teddy bears?  I haven't been able to leave a stuffed animal within 6 feet of the floor in years . . . who the heck would bring a DOG (even a guard dog) into a TEDDY BEAR EXHIBIT???? LOL!!!!

Dog goes berserk, destroys Elvis' teddy bear

LONDON, England (AP) -- A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children's museum.

"He just went berserk," said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor. The bear, named Mabel, was made in 1909 by the German manufacturer Steiff.

The collection, valued at more than $900,000, included a red bear made by Farnell in 1910 and a Bobby Bruin made by Merrythought in 1936.

The bear with Elvis connections was owned by English aristocrat Benjamin Slade, who bought it at an Elvis memorabilia auction in Memphis, Tenn., and had loaned it to the museum.

"I've spoken to the bear's owner and he is not very pleased at all," Medley said.

A security guard at the museum, Greg West, said he spent several minutes chasing Barney before wrestling the dog to the ground.

I signed up for Photobucket just to be able to post this (and then couldn't make it friggin' work!!!).  Man, oh man, do I want this t-shirt (the second one) . . .

What are you looking at, sugar tits???

Life is just an ongoing comedy sketch sometimes, isn't it?