Deadline for my company to be bought out by interested parties.  If buyout is not agreed on, the company goes into liquidation of its assets.

Rang in the new year by getting kicked out of a bar and puking my guts out. good start.

New management staff at work, im the only experienced one left with the store concept and computer system.  Awesome...and less than two weeks to a complete store inventory. Vicious cycle resumes once again with inexperienced people. The promise of a new job on the horizon eases the situation a bit...more on that later. 

Disappointment once again on the relationship side.  Ill let my profile song explain some of it.  She disappears, then comes back into my life just as im about ready to move on.  I had enough of the disappearing acts the second time around.  The timing could not have been any more perfect (or coincidental to some folks)  In hindsight i'd venture to say that its a case of fool me once, shame on you....fool me twice, shame on me.  I find it hard to sleep sometimes because of all of this, but i know that will fade away with time. 

New years resolution: trust my own gut and insticts more! For too long i have placed too much emphasis on others advice when it comes to work and women amongst other things. I have to learn to act and trust myself more and i think i will be a much better person for it. 

Fast forward, to today, june 25th.

Ive been a second in the chain of command, store operations manager for a little over two weeks now. 

Long hours, no days off, and a lot of stress and pressure.

I got my first paycheck since the promotion...and its something absolutely rediculous.

But rediculous in that, holy crap thats a lot of money kind of rediculous.  So rediculous that you think its too good to be true. And i get the feeling that it is.  Being surprised when u get a paycheck usually means someone screwed up on something and in my case i think i got paid WAY more then im slated to earn on a regular basis...

*sigh*
I find out tommorow if i gotta give a piece of the pie away.

Moving up in the world is coming faster then i expected.

I should have a phone interview with the higher ups in my new district to find out if i get to become number 2 in command  at the monrovia "The City" store. 

Other pieces need to fall into place for me to get it, but the way things seem to be going i have to really screw up badly to not get the job. 

If i do get the job, my life in 2009 should be quite interesting.  Assuming i follow my planned out schedule, i should be debt free in 2009...and have a nice cushy amount of disposable income/savings...hence my new default picture of the BMW M3 coupe.

keeping my fingers crossed...

Seems like my brain likes to perform its random self examinations on myself at the oddest hours of the day.

I would have never thought there was more than one way to have a bad experience.  Being in love with someone who isnt in love with you anymore...is the bad experience in question. For those that know me well, I've been here before.

You wish there was some magical statement you could say to her that would make her love you that way again.  Your mind searches for it, and comes up with nothing.  With the nothing comes the silence.  Shes sitting next to you and asks you what your thinking about, because she knows you well enough to know that something is obviously going on in your head.  So what do you say? You say something, but actually say nothing at the same time.  You hope it appeases her and buys you some more time to think.  Its shit, you know its shit, and you know she doesnt buy it, but she says nothing.

You want to just grab onto her, look straight into her eyes and tell her not to go, there is a reason for her to stay in town, and that you love her.  But in reality, it never really works out that way, and even if it does, it only happens in some movie youve recently seen that put the crazy idea into your head in the first place.

Id say i was more understanding and put up with a lot more crap that most people would have dont in my place.  So you wonder how someone could just not love you after you invest so much personally and emotionally into them? Maybe thats the problem though, you think by investing even more of yourself into that person, that youll see an eventual return on it right?

Despite whatever lows and hangups she had, I loved her because she can be greater than all of those bad things combined.  So you stick with it, ride out the storms, hoping that they subside...forever.  But each of those storms never leave anything the same as it was before it arrived.  Each of them changing the landscape, eventually forming the place you see yourself in now.

So here i find myself, and just like the sunrise, it dawns on me...my 4AM revelation.

Stop loving so much hoping that the more you love them the more they love you in return.  You stick to the basics. you love her and treat her proper, and you dont expect anything in return.  Because the truth of the matter is, that if you find yourself wanting and expecting something, theres a problem with yourself, with her or both. 
The real business begins after you get past all the games, power plays and smoke and mirrors. Because thats when you show who you really are and you learn who she really is. This is when you should love her even more then when you first met and like the profit margins of oil companies, you should see that red line go up exponentially as time goes on for both of you.

currently playing loud and proud:
Band of Horses - Monsters


A tree for all these problems
they can find you for the moment
then for all past efforts
there buried deep beneath
your heart and somewhere in your stomach

and hey, transform all others
when aweful people they surround you
well hey, they just like monsters
they come to feed on me
giant little animals to feed

though to say we got much hope
if i am lost it’s only for a little while

a tree for all these problems
they can find us for the moment
then for all past efforts
there buried deep beneath
our hearts and somewhere in our stomachs

and hey, transform all others
when aweful people they surround you
well hey, they just like monsters
they come to feed on us
giant little animals for us

though to say we got much hope
if i am lost it’s only for a little while

though to say we got much hope
if i am lost it’s only for a little while
if i am lost it’s only for a little while
if i am lost it’s only for a little while

When i take my meds, they work so well, that people notice that theres something different about my demeanor throughout the day.  Quiet, reserved, no look of sadness, anger or anything for that matter.  Softer spoken, calmer....number i suppose.  i guess that means its working.  Those are the reasons why i only take them when i absolutely need them.  i become a different person, and its a person ive learned that i dont like.

I've also realized that im entirely not ready to even think, let alone actually begin seeing other people.  As of now, the capacity to care about someone to that extent doesnt seem to exist within me.  Theres no room inside my heart to be able to do that.    Get back out there people say.  Don't sit around at home, go out and find someone they tell me.  the different women ive seen has only served to strengthen the fact that there can be no one else right now. i dont want anyone else. My hearts mind is still on her.  its reaction to her voice and to the sight of her tells me that i am still in love with her. 

AD pills and booze dont mix well.  Not in that, im gonna puke kind of way, more like let me amplify the effects of alcohol on you 2x. 

was sitting here, not doing much, when a blog moment struck.
ive never been one to talk about myself much, but i suppose this is a good place to start.  if anyone cares, theyll read, if not they wont, simple isnt it?

For the sake of simplicity ill call this "Things i know about myself"

I would rather do things myself then delegate to others. (this one is funny considering my leadership position)
I dont mind being by myself most of the time, and almost consider myself a bit of a loner.
The irony of the above statement is that I crave being in a close relationship with women and hate being single.
In addition, in the relationships that ive been involved with i think i may have given too much too soon and not expected enough in return, instead being happy with what i got and not fighting for what i deserve or feel.
I tend to avoid conflict with people.
I think too much and not "do" enough.
In my musical tastes I seem to gravitate towards bands with female singers or female solo acts. 
I sometimes spend money compulsively... lets say i keep my credit cards at home to be safe.
I pride myself on knowing at least a little bit about everything, and a lot about some things.
I like to tinker with things.
I tend to think I can dress pretty damn well for being a nerd =P.
I sometimes think i have some sort of mild depression.
It sucks being the only boy in the family.
I have probably the second most thankless job at work, unglamourous and no glory to be had, but the consolation prize is that its probably the most important.
I dont like to talk about myself, but there are times when i need to get something off my chest but i dont think people really care.
I love the sport of hockey, despite not knowing anyone else in my town who does, and despite the team i cheer for being in dead last right now.
I had a taste of seeing the world and would love to see more, but being currently buried in debt puts that on hold.
I probably overanalyze some things in my life but not pay enough attention to other parts.
I like to drive, nowhere special, wherever the road takes me, it clears my head.
I love all of the women ive been with, but hate them at the same time.
I know my recent heartbreak will be easier than the last.
I drink on more occasions than i have before, but not to get drunk.
I love music and the kind of emotion it can bring out in you. 
I try to find the best song to fit every situation and every mood.

And now im tired.
And take a listen to my profile song, its the perfect song for my "moment" right now.

I can thank the beginnings of my last relationship to the television world.  It was one night last February when a commercial for match.com came up.  I never thought I would actually meet anyone through it.  Meeting people through the internet, although slowly becoming mainstream, still isn't something many admit to.  Could it be the stigma of desperation or the stereotype of the kinds of people you meet on these places?  Either way, I decided to try it. What did I have to lose? I was tired of the kinds of girls I knew here in Burbank and wasn't having a whole lot of luck anyhow. 
It didn't take me long to find someone, and it was quite a surprise.  The rest, as we all know, is history...until recently.

All things come to an end, as they say. And her and I came to an albeit abrupt end.  Which, brings me to the point of this whole blog and its title "full circle".  I've recently began seeing advertisements for Effexor XR.  Some of you may be familiar with that name or even with the commercials.  If your not, Effexor is an anti depressant, which I  have taken before and succesfully stopped using some time ago.

Television has the answers for everything.

Unlucky in love? Try this website! 

Fallen out of love and feeling blue? Take this drug!

Im trying my hardest to use other ways aside from drugs to get over this, but if it comes down to it I'll do whats neccesary to help me out of it.