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Saturday, August 29, 2009
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The other day I was being asked again what the use is of remembering and being busy with the past. I think one big misunderstanding is that people actively choose to think about the past – may it be individually or as a nation or group of people. I know people who try to recover from individual trauma and I know as many who haven’t made it because they were not being heard or given the support they needed in order to face and deal with what has been done to them. If it takes a person a whole life time to recover then it will take a nation generations and generations to heal. That healing can only happen if others take them serious and do not try to minimise the damage that has been done but if other individuals but also the system takes them serious! Sinead O’Connor has written a song about how the Irish are still being deprived of their right for education and therefore cannot heal because people are still being silenced and violated in their rights. The same happens all over the world - day in, day out; to children, to individuals, to nations ... but most people who go through trauma not only go through ti alone but then also are faced with a lonesome battle to eventually being heard and able to heal even though the scars will remain forever.
People need to heal and a healing process is not something that takes place within a certain time or period. Apart from that by telling someone not to think about it, by telling someone that it wasn’t so serious; by taking away the possibilities to reconstruct the past a true healing will never take place! You cannot heal when the cause of your trauma is not being recognised as such and when people do not allow you to feel angry, to release your grief, to find back your identity and/but most importantly your voice.
In that conversation, a while ago, I was being told again that it wouldn’t matter what happened because people and situations had changed now. This is a rather common line people will throw at you but they overlook the fact that even if a situation has changed it does not mean the damage is "repaired"! In order for that to happen people who have suffered but were never allowed to express their emotions need to be given the time and space to reconstruct the past, to acknowledge their own suffering and to release their anger and grief and to regain their sense of self-worth, learn to let go of the shame, learn to speak up … and so much more! Healing is a life time process and people who try to recover do not need to hear about forgiving and forgetting and moving on because that is what they strive for anyway. They strive to forget by numbing themselves, and there are various self-depriving ways to do so, they try to forgive yet that leaves them crippled because it robs them of the opportunity to feel their own pain and create understanding for themselves more than for the penetrator(s). Often they actually already hold and do have that understanding but it does not help them to recover and heal as it forces them to deny their own pain and hurt!
Anyway:
“Remembering is a process, grief is a process...healing is a process…recovery is taking back our right to speak out and not be silent any longer!”
Readings:
Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. A traumatic event involves a singular experience or enduring event or events that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. It usually involves a complete feeling of helplessness in the face of a real or subjective threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is often seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way.
Psychological trauma may accompany
physical trauma or exist independently of it. Typical causes of psychological trauma are abuse, violence, the threat of either, or the witnessing of either, particularly in childhood. Catastrophic events such as earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, war or other mass violence can also cause psychological trauma. Long-term exposure to situations such as extreme poverty or milder forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse, can be traumatic (though verbal abuse can also potentially be traumatic as a single event). In some cases, even a person's own actions, such as committing rape, can be traumatic for the offender as well as the victim, especially if the offender feels helpless to control the urge to commit such crimes.
However, different people will react differently to similar events. One person may perceive an event to be traumatic that another may not, and not all people who experience a traumatic event will become psychologically traumatized.
Ø
People often overlook the fact that a trauma is not only restricted to one individual but has an impact on entire groups of people in society, who are still being traumatized because their rights are being violated.
Human rights Violation is
abuse of people in a way that it abuses any fundamental human rights. It is a term used when a government violates national or international law related to the protection of human rights.According to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, fundamental human rights are violated when, among other things:
- A certain race, creed, or group is denied recognition as a "person". (Articles 2 & 6)
- Men and women are not treated as equal. (Article 2)
- Different racial or religious groups are not treated as equal. (Article 2)
- Life, liberty or security of person are threatened. (Article 3)
- A person is sold as or used as a slave. (Article 4)
- Cruel, inhuman or degrading punishment is used on a person (such as torture or execution). (Article 5) (See also Prisoners' rights)
- Victims of abuse are denied an effective judicial remedy. (Article 8)
- Punishments are dealt arbitrarily or unilaterally, without a proper and fair trial. (Article 11)
- Arbitrary interference into personal or private lives by agents of the state. (Article 12)
- Citizens are forbidden to leave or return to their country. (Article 13)
- Freedom of speech or religion are denied. (Articles 18 & 19)
- The right to join a trade union is denied. (Article 23)
- Education is denied. (Article 26)
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The following article is NOT about harbouring anger or resentment or accusations BUT it is about healing and although it speaks of parents the essence is applicable to all sorts of trauma people are being faced with:
The trap of forgivenessby Barbara Rogers The relationship between parents and their children is marked by the command to honor and forgive parents—while the main focus for treating children lays on the importance of discipline. Why do we think in these terms about this unique relationship, where one part has all the physical, emotional, and mental power, and also the responsibility to guide malleable, innocent children by being a meaningful role model—while the other part is dependent, powerless, vulnerable, and at his or her parents’ mercy? These different expectations of parents and children really speak about how power is handled and used. In order to ensure their child’s obedience and loyalty, parents are allowed, even encouraged, to use anything they define as discipline. What is thus handed down to children as punishment teaches them that power has the right to use violence and degradation—and that these are acceptable forms of human behavior, when practiced by those in power. The powerless child is without human rights. We teach children never to attack or hurt others. How can we be meaningful role models if we don’t respect our children’s human rights—above all their right to physical integrity? There are certainly parents who treat their children with caring respect and loving guidance. But corporal punishment is still approved by two-thirds of Americans and sanctioned in schools by more than 20 states. Society is a silent by-stander that ignores the suffering of abused children. No laws protect them. And later in life, we ask these abused children, when they try, often through therapy, to deal with the consequences of what happened to them that they need to forgive—at least at some point. The command to honor parents allows a destructive mechanism to continue from childhood into adulthood—that children may be treated with disrespect and disregard for their dignity, humanity, and human rights. The true feelings of the child, who suffers from abusive parental behavior, are either ignored or defined as non-existent, disobedient, rebellious, disrespectful, or as unforgiving towards the parents. But this mechanism blocks the child’s feelings, his understanding of his current life’s problems, of himself, and of his past. It is kept alive by the belief that those with unlimited power are entitled to punish, humiliate, belittle, and ignore the child’s feelings and pain; by the belief that parents always deserve to be honored and forgiven; and by the belief that repressing the child’s truth and true feelings is “forgiving.” Even if no parent asked the child’s forgiveness or tried to understand him or her, forgiveness is praised as the cure for anger and hatred and as the path to inner peace. I know from my own experience that I found inner peace through forgiving myself—above all for taking a path that led me more and more away from my parents and their beliefs. Every step I took on this path led me closer to my true Self. Anger, hatred, or pain are labeled as a problem only when they appear in children, who suffer from abuse, or if they later try through therapy to overcome the consequences of the abuses they suffered. For adults, even the most revengeful and cruel treatment can be disguised and excused by the euphemistic word “discipline.” As I was growing up, my mother was always in a state of suffering and bitterness. Her uncontrolled angry outbursts terrified me and my brothers and sisters. She did not practice forgiveness towards her children, and educational beliefs did not advise forgiveness towards children but stressed the importance of discipline. Her belief that she was justified in punishing and persecuting us gave her a free hand to take out on us whatever she struggled with internally. It took years of therapy for me to understand emotionally that her actions and beliefs were wrong and cruel, that I was not a guilty, evil monster as she portrayed me. Late in adulthood, when I finally had the inner strength and power to do so, I learned that I had the right to create boundaries to not be hurt anymore by her coldness, lack of compassion, and cruel harshness. After a long journey in therapy, I know that every human being experiences different feelings, depending on what is happening in his or her life, or what may be triggered from the past. These feelings create our aliveness and contribute to our sense of self. I have lived for many years now not only in geographical distance to my mother, but also without contact with her. Often, I have been advised to forgive her. But staying away from her to protect myself from her—from her stubborn self-righteousness, from her endless self-pity, from her complete unwillingness to understand me and my life’s ordeal, and from her demand that I deny that incest happened with my father—allows me to be true to myself. It enables me to experience my feelings and thoughts freely and powerfully. I don’t have to bury them for her anymore. Leaving the idea of forgiveness behind, I am not a person mired in anger or hatred. When such feelings come up, which is rare, I check if a painful experience from my childhood has been touched, and, if necessary, I write to understand it with compassion. And then I forgive myself for having suffered so greatly without the strength to speak up, to defend myself, to change my life and my relationships. Finally, I deal with my present life, where the outcome is the realization that now I have choices, can live differently, may speak up for myself, and must protect my well-being. I consider this forgiveness for myself essential and a great therapeutic healer. It is this kind of forgiveness I would advise to abused children, who are now clients working in therapy to overcome past traumas. An act—especially a one-sided act—or attitude of forgiveness towards a parent does not heal the traumas and destructive mechanisms from the child’s past. Instead, it pushes them back deeply into the unconscious with the unspoken but explicit order: “Stay there; don’t act up or start bleeding again; I am over this, the past is behind me, so I won’t listen to you.” It does not ask parents or society to confront the abuser’s responsibility and to recognize the consequences of abusive actions. Thus, the reality and truth of the abusive behavior is buried under the blanket of forgiveness—and may be acted out again, most tragically and destructively, against the next generation. When the past and the child’s suffering can be acknowledged, discussed, and shared, when a parent can express compassion, understanding, regret, and is capable of accepting his or her responsibility—then forgiveness will flow freely, without being demanded. But for many, the concept of forgiveness is meant for unforgiving parents, who are unwilling to even look at the harm they have done, much less sincerely apologize for it, regret it, or try to have empathy and compassion for their child. Thus, forgiveness becomes an invisible, secret tie, which continues to attach the victim to the perpetrator. It silences the voices of the victims and the truth through the recommendation, or even the demand, to forgive. I call it the trap of forgiveness. The trap of forgiveness makes us believe that we are done recognizing what has harmed and deformed us as children. So we no longer strive to become conscious of it and to work it out—not only for ourselves but also to not repeat abusive, hurtful, or unkind behaviors with our own children. In order to resolve feelings of pain, of anger, of protest, of hate, the victim of abuse is asked to forgive—as if this were to resolve the issues which a burdened childhood has created. This kind of forgiveness means to me that I must cut off my feelings, thoughts, and aliveness. It would silence my true Self. It would end the deepest desire I have had all my life—to be true to myself. Only if I am open to all my feelings and memories when they arise, all through my life, can I be true to myself and learn from them. I have witnessed people who are trapped in feelings of anger, hatred, suffering, self-pity, jealousy, and others. They don’t need forgiveness to overcome their predicament but enlightening therapy. Often they are not aware at all that these obsessive, overwhelming feelings are triggered by painful or traumatic childhood experiences. In my therapeutic journey—with different therapists, different forms of therapy, and much therapy writing on my own—feelings of anger, sadness, outrage, or hatred needed time to surface and to be acknowledged. Once they were understood and accepted, they passed and gave way to inner peace. A painful childhood memory was revealed by those feelings—and then simply became a fact. The idea of forgiveness is often burdened with vague concepts and a dogmatic religious energy. It is meant to install guilt into the abused human being. It exploits and feeds on old feelings of guilt, accumulated in childhood. It enables a well known, past form of control over our feelings and needs to continue into adulthood and therapy. It prevents us from becoming empowered and free adults, who can speak their truth and lovingly care for themselves and their true needs. All other crimes go to court, are prosecuted, and punished. But crimes committed by parents towards their children are dealt with secretly and shamefully in therapy, buried with the advice to forgive, and never find justice. It is human and meaningful to for-give the acting out of revengeful ideas. But forgiveness becomes a trap when different levels of destructive guilt-ties to parents prevent the creation of healthy and self-protective boundaries that nurture the self and nourish our well-being. While the importance of forgiveness is recommended over and over again towards abused children, it is not expected of parents. Parenting advice is dominated by the word discipline, which can condone spanking, beating, whipping, and other humiliating abusive behaviors. These practices are degrading, inhuman, and would often be called torture if administered to an adult. What would happen if we stressed forgiveness for and understanding of our children—and not solely demanding it from them? Then there would be no need for children to forgive abusive behavior because they would have experienced compassion, forgiveness, and love—instead of having learned the behavioral language of unforgiveness and inhumanity in the form of merciless and hateful parental behavior. Why don’t we teach forgiveness to parents and expect it from them? Children need to be able to make mistakes and learn from them. They need to be guided with compassion and understanding in meaningful, human ways, without violence and degradation. Thus they experience love and become empowered to build lives and to create a world that are not dominated by violence. © Barbara Rogers, March 2005
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I wish that people would stop judging. That they would stop silencing but try to create this understanding and allow people to feel and to heal.
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Saturday, July 11, 2009
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Category: Art and Photography
When I was little I had to witness how the sun started to totally faint and even though I later knew how to paint I just never knew how to bring the colour back into my life which ever since turned simply cold and black.
But in my desolated yet determined search, in my own space, in my own time and my own place the truth has always been mine to discover as has been the pain … Inevitably life has always been mine to regain!
The struggles aren’t over and nightmares will await me when I go to bed, perhaps they will always be around the corner but the chains no longer hold the power they once had! Instead, these days I sometimes witness how the colours gradually return as ‘their’ toxic lies finally start to burn! First I was dissolving, now I am evolving!
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Friday, July 10, 2009
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Category: Art and Photography
 Often I cannot find the words
for what it is that haunts me.
I wonder, if I could would I dare to speak up?
And if I would dare to:
Would I know how?
Would there be someone who listens?
And would there be someone who understands?
If I would have the words
and if I would know how to
and if I would dare to
...
what then?
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Saturday, June 13, 2009
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Category: Life
On occasion I am (still) surprised that some people don’t understand this very simply thing that: I can love a person wholeheartedly BUT that does not necessarily mean that I trust or that I have to trust them. Or that if they (claim to) love me that I have to love and (again) trust them in return. I don’t need a person to love me in order for me to love them. I don’t need a person to trust me in order to trust them. However, I don’t have to trust a person who trusts me and I don’t have to trust a person who I love for my feelings to be genuine! (And of course, vice versa.) If you love someone, if you give your trust to someone, if you do things for someone then it should merely be because YOU want to and not because you want something, the same, back. Love and trust are not things to be expected or worse even demanded from anyone, including not from themselves towards someone else. It is something that evolves naturally and only then it is real. Trusting a person or not does not say anything about the realness of the emotions but if someone starts expecting, or worse demanding, trust in the name of ‘love’ then one thing is for sure: that person does not genuinely love. Genuine love means accepting and respecting one another; including personal boundaries and I consider trust to be part of someone’s personal boundary. Also, some people seem to think they have to prove they love you or that you can trust them but as far as I am concerned nobody has to prove anything. You just have to be true to yourself and whether or not you can be trusted will show in all you say and do without you having to make a single effort as such to prove anything. The people I trust never tried to convince or prove to me that I can trust them but also they never hunted for my trust. I know I can be trusted BUT I am not going to try to verbally persuade anyone that I am and I will also not get into all sorts of actions in order to prove that I am. I don't want anyone to do these things either. Someone will and another will not trust me after a while, that’s just how it is and neither will change who I am. If I ever (want to) change something in my behaviour then it will be because I realised something within myself that I don’t feel okay with which causes me to wanting to address it for myself but not for someone else. The risk in trying to prove yourself is that you might end up crossing your own boundaries, for instance do something that you in fact don’t really agree with or that you don’t feel 100% comfortable doing etc. As a result of that your actions aren’t true anymore but based on an ulterior motive and eventually it will backfire because if you do something that does not come natural from within but is done for someone or something else a person ends up compromising themselves. Some might last longer than others but no person can maintain being a certain way when it doesn’t truly come from within. Compromising yourself will inevitably lead to a huge clash within; causing frustration, irritation and also anger at the person you try to prove yourself to. So, just be real. Be YOU!
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Friday, June 05, 2009
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Category: Life
I embrace people by nature but I admit there are times when I cannot stand them. Sometimes when I stand still by how people keep hurting and destroying one another driven by ignorance, self-righteousness, arrogance, superficiality, narcissistic tendencies, denials, selfishness, materialism etc. I wish I wasn’t part of the human kind and that people would realise that their unawareness and fear to seek within and face themselves causes not only harm to others but is also detrimental to their self. Yes, I could tell myself I am not like that as I strive to live as consciously as possible, to base my actions on sincere compassion, awareness, honesty and fairness but I realise that simply by being a human being I am as much part of all that happens in this world, the good and the ugly stuff. And realising that, I just don’t always feel good about being a human being. Let’s be honest, the human race really isn’t really a very sensible and considerate one. Anyway, regardless such moments I do embrace people by nature and I will keep doing so, even those that I don’t particularly like and that don’t like me, because the thing is I do believe in the goodness in people and they inspire me. Although people can be incredibly cruel and self-centred they can also be unbelievably passionate and giving. They can be gruesome but at the same time exquisite – and with that I mean character wise. People who are true to themselves and genuine or those that live in ignorance and don’t care at all; people that I feel home with because they hold same values or accept me just the way I am or those that try to break my spirit; by the end of the day they all motivate and teach me. Every person of course in their own way and to a different degree/intensity but basically people inspire me to keep fighting, to keep thinking for myself, to keep questioning, to keep striving for what I believe in, to keep improving, to not shy away from confrontations with myself or with others when necessary, to not compromise myself when it would be much easier to do so, to keep expressing myself, to keep painting and writing, to keep an open-mind … etc. People motivate me at times when I feel good but also at times when I can’t stand myself (for whatever reasons). So, I embrace them and yes even thank them for stimulating me to keep being me. However, most of all I thank the people in my life (here on MySpace but also in my real life) who not only inspire but also support, encourage and embrace me as well as others for just being who we are, and who do so simply because they are who they are – I am grateful to have you in my life!
LOVE to all!
* A special one to you: Sophia, Louise, Adele, Tab, Melissa, Nate, Joie, Frances, Katrin, Vittoria, Ella, Andre, Nicole, Katherine, Bea, Amyla, Rowynna - You offer me comfort when I need it and keep me strong when I feel like surrendering (sometimes maybe without even knowing) with your realness, pureness, depth and humour and by not judging but seeing and accepting me just the way I am, in good and difficult times! :)
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Monday, May 18, 2009
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Category: Life
Sometimes when you go through a hard time people will feel (with) you and empathise, others may react concerned or worried, then there are those who feel sorry for you, some may simply dismiss you and last but not least some might not show any reaction because they just don’t care. Out of all reactions, next to a dismissive reaction due to unawareness and lack of insight, I find pitying someone to be the poorest reaction. A person pitying someone is likely going to tell you that they are merely empathising when in fact they are not. Empathy brings people closer on an equal level whereas pity does not. Pity often has a superior taste and creates an imbalance between two people. Yes some people had and have it really bad but what they don’t need is pity but compassion based on understanding, they don’t need to be treated different but equally.
Anyway, as I was thinking about the aspect of pity I inevitably ended up with the phenomenon of self-pity. In some people we can spot it a mile away but sometimes it takes a while to realise a person pities themselves. Self-pity is a tool that people use (not saying they do it consciously) to excuse their actions and/or non-actions – towards themselves and towards others – so they don’t have to face/ deal with a certain situation and change their behaviour. How people treat themselves is one thing and if self-pity disables them from taking the necessary steps to create the lives they want then I feel for them. I would always want to know about a person’s history and their past/present struggles because I care and simply would like to understand them. However, the minute a person does not treat another person appropriately none of it matters but the fact their behaviour was/is not alright. A person who takes full responsibility for their action(s) despite whatever else is or has been going on in their lives will not seek escape in explanations but will listen, show empathy to those they hurt and a real effort to alter their behaviour. However, a person engaging in self-pity will only be focussed on their feelings and needs. People who pity themselves have an exaggerated belief in their hardship just like narcissists have an exaggerated belief in their value or importance. A narcissist expects to be admired and a person who pities themselves expects sympathy: always. Based on their belief that they had and have it so much harder than anybody else so therefore everybody else has to be understanding they take on a rather arrogant and ignorant attitude when being confronted with their behaviour and it is impossible for them to just offer a sincere appropriate apology to those they hurt. Even if they should eventually squeeze out a sorry they will keep attaching a “BUT” and lengthy, unnecessary explanations about either their past or their current struggles because all they still want is your validation and sympathy rather than accepting the fact their behaviour simply wasn’t right. They attempt to manipulate the person who confronts them by using detailed justifications and even accusations like “you just don’t understand how difficult I had/have it” to instil a sense of guilt within the person they hurt and that way try to shut them up. If you are emotionally involved with someone like that they will use everything they know about your feelings (anxieties, insecurities, etc.) and by doing so abuse your trust to create such guilt feelings, pushing it all back on your plate instead of looking critically and honestly at themselves. Like that self-pitying friend or partner or parent who lashes out at you, disrespects your boundaries, becomes aggressive, abandons you, cheats on you … etc. To such a person you as the friend or partner or child have no right to confront them, you have no right even to feel hurt because they are the victims of circumstances and therefore you have to be considerate instead of confronting. Well, you do not always have to be considerate towards them! Despite of what a person may have been or is going through they are not any different than anyone else. When a person does not treat you right and you speak up about it a person should not seek an escape or excuse in past or present struggles but acknowledge what they did/do and take responsibility, which includes trying to change their behaviour as to avoid causing harm again to either the same person who confronts them or someone else in future: that is called real growth! Self-pity though is stagnation and self-sabotage.
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Saturday, April 25, 2009
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Category: Life
Nope, no deep or philosophical thoughts here … just a quick note. My weeks are still filled with appointments, resting and taking it easy – most importantly taking it day by day! By now I have been through two bronchoscopies, an oesophageal echocardiography about a week ago and this week I was told I am in for a gastroscopy.  Bad enough they stick needles in your arms as if you are a voodoo doll and make you look like a junky or; like that one time when they took blood from the aorta at my wrist and afterwards wrapped a bandage around it; like I had just tired to commit suicide but to keep pushing tubes down my throat starts to get irritating. I asked them if next time they could at least give the anaesthetic spray an Amaretto taste but I doubt they will do it, which leaves me with having to use my imagination. 
One thing is for sure, control (and even partly dignity) is something that stays behind in the waiting room while you are hooked on a machine drooling like a baby due to not being able to swallow. Basically, you become their property there for a while and have to hand yourself over completely. A matter of “just” letting things happen … which as we all know isn’t always the easiest thing to do but after so many months it comes more and more natural to me in the past few days, with an occasional natural hiccup. 
Anyhow, what does not stay behind in the waiting room though is: humour! Despite everything I am doing better than some weeks ago what concerns accepting that things are simply the way they are and even during these intrusive procedures I always do find myself grinning and being amused by some of the things the doctors ask, say and do. Sometimes it looks impressively dramatic with all those tubes and needles and several doctors and nurses surrounding me … lol, and sometimes I wonder when is House going to walk in to take over. Most of the people that I have met so far at the hospital are very funny which is priceless, next to their professionalism. It is surely one of those periods in my life that I know again: nothing beats a good sense of humour! And yes, laughter is excellent medicine. 
Latest news, as some of you knew and some maybe wondered about, I have a heart.  And it seems to be on the right spot too. AND it works just fine! It just makes a noise which does not seem to be normal. Well I never thought I am normal so that just confirms it. 
Anyway, I continue to truly get to know myself inside now too … and all corners of the hospital. Having been handed from the Lung doctor to a Cardiologist to a Gastroenterologist I wonder: who and what comes next? … Maybe an Astrologist and I get a horoscopy?
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009
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Category: Life
... and with myth I do not mean to say loneliness does not exist. However, on occasion I speak to people who seem to think that only because a person lives alone they must be lonely. Then they sometimes try to push you into going out more often because they think it would be healthier for you or try to set you up with someone because they think you need to be in a relationship. Thing is though, which is what some people find very hard to believe for some reason, there are plenty of people, including me, that are content with being alone. Of course I have my moments as everyone else (no matter if they are living alone or not) because it is just human to also feel alone and even lonely once in a while, especially when you are up against something difficult and all seems to come crashing down on you. It is simply a natural feeling just as fear or anger or even joy.
When I recall my past months I at times felt not so much lonely but alone, which is technically what I am but usually do not experience it like that because I have deep emotional bonds with people that I know are right next to me no matter how far away. Nonetheless, being suddenly faced with issues that I had not expected and then with every week feeling more frustrated and on the verge of my energy resources did leave me feeling alone. However, such an occasional feeling of being alone and maybe even lonely is not determined by actually being alone but by how overwhelmed we can be at times by what we have to face. It just takes time then to figure things out internally, emotionally so we then can also figure things out externally or in some cases just accept whatever it is that overwhelmed us – or both simultaneously. It helped me to have people I could talk to but that too could not always ease my feelings because by the end of the day I am the one having to deal with whatever I have to deal with. Only once I faced issues, external and internal, that I was able to take action and merely by getting into action I regained my inner contentment and also acceptance of my condition and that I cannot do as I would like to at the moment. And I am still alone but I no longer feel alone not because I know I have close people but mainly because I no longer feel lost within about it all. Even at times when I did not have such people I never thought or felt like I need to or should go searching for someone at times when I felt alone or lonely. I never felt weird to be alone because it does not say anythign about me as a person other than that I am not a person who just gets involved for the sake of being involved. Instead I focussed (still do) on searching within and tried to build a healthy relationship with myself to begin with because I always understood I need to find whatever I miss within myself and if I want healthy relationships with others I need to have that with myself first. The same goes for, if I want to be able to protect myself I need to know my emotional traps and subconscious fears etc. And I have struggled with being completely alone and lonely when I was little and until I came closer to my true self, so I know how painful that is and this is not about looking at the bright side or something.
Anyhow, there are people who have great trouble with being alone because they carry this almost chronically loneliness within and they associate being alone with loneliness. I find the simple fact that you can feel utterly alone and lonely when being with someone to be an excellent argument against that association. The sad thing is people who do link aloneness to loneliness often end up running from themselves and hunt for something that they can only find inside themselves. They can become addicted to others, if not to a substance, which by the end of the day only feeds the sense of loneliness instead of truly diminishing it. They are in continuous desperate need to have someone around all the time, their agendas are packed with appointments only so the time they might be alone is as little as possible in order not to feel that painful loneliness they carry. They stumble from one relationship into the next and still end up alone and lonely because searching for and needing people based on the (conscious or subconscious) motivation of not wanting to be alone as not to feel your own painful feelings dooms any kind of relationship to fail because it goes with unspoken expectations and/but also with an inability to see others for who they truly are. The risk of ending up in harmful relationships or sacrificing oneself is great, in a lot of cases unavoidable because the fear of being alone rules over a real sense of not only oneself but also the other person(s).
Of course we all need sincere people in our lives who genuinely love us for who we are and that we can turn to, in pleasant times and hard times. However, it is important to realise that even the closest person can not take away how you feel – may that be loneliness, fear or grief, etc. It surely helps to have people in your life that you connect to, who offer you a place and the space to express how you feel and who by genuinely listening and trying to understand can make things a bit more bearable. Having such people in your life who support you in your struggles is utterly precious and can make it all a bit more bearable. However, feeling alone when being alone and this almost chronically loneliness that some experience is not a direct result of literally being alone. It is rooted within and can only be taken care of within one self.
People who feel lonely to an extend they cannot bear to be alone are not home within and miss part(s) of their true self. A persons happiness or contentment does not depend on someone else but on whether or not you have yourself, meaning whether or not you know who you truly are and know the roots to your loneliness, or fear, or depression and even joy … etc. To unravel those roots is not easy and asks of a person to stand still within one self, to have that time alone to listen within instead of attempting to avoid their emotions at all costs. When a person realises that they can actually liberate themselves and with that others. Seeking an escape or answers in others is detrimental to a person and can also lead to hurting someone else. It is when you can live with yourself, with all your fears, pain and joy, and with all your strengths and flaws that you can actually choose wisely and are no longer overpowered by this need to rush into relationships of any kind. And that will diminish the risk of getting hurt or having to sacrifice yourself and relationships are more likely to succeed as there are no longer intense expectations of others to make sure you don’t feel a certain way anymore. Being home within yourself, so to speak, provides much more openness to and acceptance of oneself and with that of other people. I, and I know I am not the only one, embrace being alone as much as I embrace being with the person(s) I choose to be with because of who they are. As with so many things in life ... it all lies within one self.
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Sunday, March 08, 2009
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Current mood:  accomplished
Today is international women's day – the day to stand still and to celebrate the achievements of women throughout history! I find it very, very sad that this day is hardly being mentioned anymore (over here) because I think it is important to remember and to honour all the women who have fought many years ago for our equal rights and those who are still fighting. This is also a day to remind of the still existing, worldwide discrimination of women!Despite the fact that men have had a damaging influence on my life in the past because I have not been taken serious as a woman and that I still have to face harassment and being disrespected by men on a regular base, I am very aware of the fact that in general I am in a much better position than women elsewhere but nonetheless, discrimination and exploitation of women is still happening everywhere in our daily lives! The problems I encounter only because I am a woman can be seen as a luxury problem in comparison to the cruelty and injustice that women still have to face in so many other parts of the world! I am lucky: I can vote and have access to educational institutions and fairly good job chances; and I am thankful for that because I know it hasn't always been like that and because I know there are still so many women who live in extremely disastrous conditions and who are seriously being deprived of their rights! Many women these days (in Europe) seem to who feel comfortable with the life style they have now and some actually think that there are no problems anymore concerning the equal rights of women but I think they are wrong because, even though there are now laws that are supposed to protect the rights of women, the reality is a lot different! Exploitation and suppression of women is also still present in those so-called modern countries, only people like to turn a blind eye to that fact and want to make us believe that times have changed! Yes, times have changed but that doesn't mean men (in general) treat women differently; which means with the respect they deserve! It is heartbreaking to witness how (even) some women attack other women only because they cannot see the still existing unfairness and hostility towards women; also in more developed countries! Women who judge other women without realising they too are still being seen and treated as a minor citizen, as a less important human being! I have met women who lost everything; their home and children; in an attempt to protect themselves and their children. They didn't lose because they were weak or incompetent but because in court it is still women who eventually end up being the accused and the ones that have to defend themselves when they stand up against abuse or report rape. Women who try to get help by officials they are still being belittled and often enough not taken serious. They are being let down by the system and left alone to deal with sexual intimidation, physical and verbal abuse by men. Women who don't make it are then being judged when instead it should be society that keeps minimising women's problems. Girls learn at an early age how they are supposed to behave and to dress so they fit a stereotyped image of a woman that society keeps feeding us with. Countless women who try to match that "perfect" image eventually end up destroying themselves only because they have never learned that they are not just an object! Pressure is being added to women's lives on so many different levels - by men!Feminism has been under attack ever since the first movement began and feminists are often considered to be men-haters; sadly enough also by other women; but it isn't about hate! It is about acknowledging and treating women as human beings; with the respect they deserve, equal rights and equal chances! This is a quote from Marilyn French which I think is very true: "Women who say they don't need feminism hurt themselves, because they really believe they are less important than any man. I always tell women: make the most of what you've got now, because the more we advance, the more the backlash will increase. They will try to take it all away."This is an article that I came across which I wanted to share with you today.In the name of women: "Millions of women throughout the world live in conditions of abject deprivation of, and attacks against, their fundamental human rights for no other reason than that they are women. Combatants and their sympathizers in conflicts, such as those in Sierra Leone, Kosovo, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Afghanistan, and Rwanda, have raped women as a weapon of war with near complete impunity. Men in Pakistan, South Africa, Peru, Russia, and Uzbekistan beat women in the home at astounding rates, while these governments alternatively refuse to intervene to protect women and punish their batterers or do so haphazardly and in ways that make women feel culpable for the violence. As a direct result of inequalities found in their countries of origin, women from Ukraine, Moldova, Nigeria, the Dominican Republic, Burma, and Thailand are bought and sold, trafficked to work in forced prostitution, with insufficient government attention to protect their rights and punish the traffickers. In Guatemala, South Africa, and Mexico, women's ability to enter and remain in the work force is obstructed by private employers who use women's reproductive status to exclude them from work and by discriminatory employment laws or discriminatory enforcement of the law. In the U.S, students discriminate against and attack girls in school who are lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgendered, or do not conform to male standards of female behavior. Women in Morocco, Jordan, Kuwait, and Saudi Arabia face government-sponsored discrimination that renders them unequal before the law - including discriminatory family codes that take away women's legal authority and place it in the hands of male family members - and restricts women's participation in public life.Abuses against women are relentless, systematic, and widely tolerated, if not explicitly condoned. Violence and discrimination against women are global social epidemics, notwithstanding the very real progress of the international women's human rights movement in identifying, raising awareness about, and challenging impunity for women's human rights violations.We live in a world in which women do not have basic control over what happens to their bodies. Millions of women and girls are forced to marry and have sex with men they do not desire. Women are unable to depend on the government to protect them from physical violence in the home, with sometimes fatal consequences, including increased risk of HIV/AIDS infection. Women in state custody face sexual assault by their jailers. Women are punished for having sex outside of marriage or with a person of their choosing (rather than of their family's choosing). Husbands and other male family members obstruct or dictate women's access to reproductive health care. Doctors and government officials disproportionately target women from disadvantaged or marginalized communities for coercive family planning policies.Our duty as activists is to expose and denounce as human rights violations those practices and policies that silence and subordinate women. We reject specific legal, cultural, or religious practices by which women are systematically discriminated against, excluded from political participation and public life, segregated in their daily lives, raped in armed conflict, beaten in their homes, denied equal divorce or inheritance rights, killed for having sex, forced to marry, assaulted for not conforming to gender norms, and sold into forced labor. Arguments that sustain and excuse these human rights abuses - those of cultural norms, "appropriate" rights for women, or western imperialism - barely disguise their true meaning: that women's lives matter less than men's. Cultural relativism, which argues that there are no universal human rights and that rights are culture-specific and culturally determined, is still a formidable and corrosive challenge to women's rights to equality and dignity in all facets of their lives.The Women's Rights Division of Human Rights Watch fights against the dehumanization and marginalization of women. We promote women's equal rights and human dignity. The realization of women's rights is a global struggle based on universal human rights and the rule of law. It requires all of us to unite in solidarity to end traditions, practices, and laws that harm women. It is a fight for freedom to be fully and completely human and equal without apology or permission. Ultimately, the struggle for women's human rights must be about making women's lives matter everywhere all the time. In practice, this means taking action to stop discrimination and violence against women."http://hrw.org/women/....> On occasion of 2009 International Women's Day the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) has warned that the specific health-care needs of women are often ignored or insufficiently taken into account in war situations.
"People wounded in fighting are given priority for medical treatment, but women, even pregnant mothers, are often given scant attention despite their special needs," said Nadine Puechguirbal, the ICRC's adviser on issues relating to women and war.
In the world’s least developed countries, many of which are at war, women are 300 times more likely to die in childbirth or from pregnancy-related complications than in developed countries, according to UNICEF. While armed conflicts and other violence affect entire communities, women are particularly at risk of rape and other forms of sexual violence. Because of poor security conditions or because they have no means of transportation, it is often impossible for women to reach a health-care facility so as to give birth safely.
"International humanitarian law stipulates that the specific health-care needs of conflict-affected women must be met, including in places of detention," explained Ms Puechguirbal. "Parties to a conflict have an obligation to comply with the law and do everything possible to ensure that women receive the health care they require."
During the recent conflict in Gaza the lives of numerous women were put at risk when ambulances couldn't get through to them because of the fighting. The conflict also prevented women in labour from reaching a safe place to have their babies. Women are currently facing the same difficulty in Somalia, where the death rate of pregnant women and newborn babies is among the highest in the world. According to UNICEF, only nine women in a hundred thousand actually make it to a hospital to give birth in Somalia.
The ICRC is addressing the specific health needs of women in war-torn countries around the world by supporting hospitals and basic health-care services. In some countries, such as the Democratic Republic of the Congo, it is making counselling services available to victims of sexual violence. "The first priority after a rape is to obtain medical care," explained Charlotte, a Red Cross volunteer providing counselling. "But medicines can only treat the body. The victims of these attacks bear invisible, psychological wounds."
Let's not forget: women have come a long way but it is a fact that we still live in a world that is dominated by men!
We need to support each other, wherever and as best as we can, and keep fighting for equal rigths of women everywhere!
All my love and respect to every woman out there!
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Tuesday, March 03, 2009
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Category: Life
It is a known phenomenon that sometimes when you want to talk about past issues there are people who will say: “The past is the past. There is no point talking about it but it is about the now and moving on.” or “Forget the past focus on the future.” or “You cannot change the past.”
The thing though is that being busy with the past does not equal wanting to change it or to dwell or live in it! Investigating the past is about wanting to become conscious of oneself and others, next to also wanting to gain social and cultural awareness because there is not only our personal past but also social and cultural pasts. Social and cultural pasts are interwoven with the individual past and it is by not exploring and becoming aware that generations and cultures pass on certain ideas and traditions that result in harmful behaviour in the present. A repetition of actions that keep causing damage – to the individual as well as society as a whole. Damages that could be prevented by dealing with the past. History is not just history but it is a vital aspect in everyone’s life that one cannot and should not escape from because it is what teaches us and we should learn from it in order to improve, individually and together.
I can only gain true awareness and insight by standing still by what has made me/us become who I am/we are, in the sense of: why do I/we think about certain things the way I/we do, what has influenced me/us, and why do I/we behave in ways that I/we do. After all, it is not only our character but also our past personal and social, cultural experiences that shape our personality, that affect our way of thinking and behaving.
I know of some people who desperately try to never even think about their past or choose to do so very selectively. What I see is that by doing so they leave part of themselves behind and continue harming themselves and others because they are not aware of the link between their past and their present. Sometimes I wonder where do such people draw the line between past and present because today in fact will belong to the past tomorrow. A week ago can be viewed as history so does that mean I should forget what I experienced a week ago? Or is the line drawn when a new year has begun? Can you actually truly create a wall between past, present and future? I don’t think so. In fact, I have tried that subconsciously for years with my personal past and in my blindness I even believed that I was doing an excellent job. I am glad I at some point came to the realisation that in fact no wall will hold forever and one day you will have to face your personal past as well as cultural and social pasts because our past is always also our present and our future. In order to avoid repeating certain harmful patterns and behaviours, as an individual and as society as a whole, we need to confront the past, and we need to listen! We also need to teach what we learned from it, pass on what we discovered and stimulate others to become aware. People who do not deal with the past are actually the most influenced by it because all that which a person is not conscious of holds power over and inevitably affects a person in how they interact with other people and function in society.
Another aspect is: empathy. Empathy is a result of us drawing from our life experiences so the exploration of the past as well as the present enables us to be more accurately empathetic. Something I read somewhere can surely help me to gain a better knowledge but it is only when I also understand it emotionally and not just rationally that I can say I have true insight. Empathy is more based on emotional awareness than merely gathering sterile information. People who try to empathise purely on their ratio without really being aware of themselves and others, which necessarily includes the past, usually end up giving shallow and one-sided advise which another person or a certain group of people don’t need when they are trying to deal with something. In the worst case such people end up judging and differentiating and we all know what that leads to.
So, I think there is enough reason to keep exploring and confronting not only the present but definitely also the past, and to talk about what I discover or remember and to listen to others. As long as I don’t understand myself and my history, as long as I am not aware of others and their individual and cultural/social history there is no way I can ever understand someone else and society, and without true awareness there will be no improvement on any level!
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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
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Current mood: In the mood to blog
Category: Blogging
About every time I blog I am faced with: title dilemma. I usually don’t title my paintings and drawings but on myspace I have to come up with something in order to be able to blog, no matter what the content of my blog is. Suddenly, right when I want to hit the post button I actually have to think about something  … something that should be done so easily! Only in my case it turns into a dilemma. 
Sometimes I forget that aspect of blogging. It can happen that with having half an hour left before I have to head to an appointment I suddenly find myself wanting to post a blog quickly, forgetting the dilemma I will be in for. Maybe if I would not have that profound need to finish what I start(ed) it would all be alright but since I do have that need the quick blogging then turns into heavy pondering  , then frustration  , then cancellation and postponing because I also have the strong aspiration to be on time for appointments and I doubt it would be a gracious excuse to tell someone that I am several hours late or had to cancel due to a title dilemma on my blog. There are times when it takes me longer to think of a title than it took me to write a blog. But then, what would really be bad is if it would take me as long or even longer than I spend on a painting. 
I always feel like using: “Just some thought(s)” or “Just a painting” or “Just a poem” or “Just a story”. Hum, aren’t a poem and a story also just some thought? Other than thoughts it could also be: “Just an observation” or “Just a report” or “Just a question” … Who invented titles anyway? Who wrote the first title and why? … I tried searching in English, German and Dutch but unfortunately I could not find any answers on Google but even if I had I know it would not really make a difference what concerns my dilemma. How do other people do that?
Perhaps if I had realised that very time I blog I am faced with the title dilemma I would have chosen to use the alphabet but then, with the alphabet I could have only posted 26 blogs  before running out of letters. German still has the additional: ä, ö, ü but that would not help me out much either. The Chinese don’t have an alphabet as such but their language consists of several thousands of symbols. They say average knowledge of a person is 6000 symbols  so if I had that average knowledge of Chinese symbols I could blog like 6000 blogs, which is a pretty solid amount. However, maybe then I would feel pressured to writing that many blogs and end up with another dilemma.  Anyway, since I don’t plan to learn Chinese perhaps numbering the blogs would be (had been) the easiest option to avoid the title dilemma each time.
Then again a title is supposed to grab attention, isn’t it? Numbers can be kind of boring so one would maybe need to use more intriguing numbers like: 564582178546. It should not be too large number though as that then could be interpreted by a reader as: “This is a complicated blog, I better don’t click on it.” … A title is also supposed to reflect what is in the content but I guess it could be viewed as artistic freedom to use 564582178546 as a title for a blog that is about cigarettes, and it would match the content if I then mention in the blog that I just smoked my 564582178546th cigarette. Now THAT would sound impressive … ly unhealthy … Maybe one day, if my lung recovers from whatever is going on, I might reach that quantity but for now maybe 64256 would not only a bit healthier (I did say a bit, didn't I? ) but also be closer to the truth. Hum, I don’t know I suppose even using numbers would eventually cause me a similar dilemma because then I would end up having to ponder about how to match it with what I blog.
When I am through the title dilemma it can also happen that I then get stuck with the current mood thing. How long is current? Is there really only one mood one is in at a time? I can be tired but I can also be excited and frustrated at the same time. Which one do I choose? Maybe none because obviously no matter what mood(s) I am in the fact that I am blogging means that most of all I am in the mood: to blog. 
Having said that, at least with this blog I did not have the title dilemma. Funny how when you address a problem it not only offers something to write about but suddenly it also seems to vanish. Today at least. Would be nice to eventually figure out how to do that with future blogs too and to be able to come up with titles in the blink of an eye. And then I can offer my incredibly speedy abilities to others who face the same dilemma and I could give workshops and travel the world. ... okay, for now, I better rest my head ... until my next blog.  
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Thursday, February 19, 2009
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Current mood:  relieved
Category: Life
Three weeks further down the road. I am relieved to be off the Antibiotics at long last! I started to react badly to the last one too and I am sure you can imagine how frustrating it is to have to go through allergic reactions and bad side effects several times and not feeling better at all. The only thing that is better (for now) is that I am not in such bad pain anymore although I still do feel it in my back and am afraid it will start playing up again. Other than that my condition is still not as it should be. 
I received the copies of my file and especially the rapports of the radiologists confirmed my own suspicions that there is something not right. Too many things that don’t add up and the more I read the angrier I got about the lung doctor not answering any of my questions and things like the second time I had to go into the ER I was told that there was small improvement whereas the radiologist stated that day that it had actually gotten worse. Also what really does not make any sense at all is the fact that according to several blood tests I am basically healthy since beginning December! There has been no indication of an infection since which does not rhyme with the unchanging x-rays and the bad pain I was in until end of January at all. Infections in your body would show in the C-reactive protein (CRP) or the Erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR). When this all started I indeed had a CRP of 126 but that dropped down to 51 within only 3 days and after another few days it was down to 2 (in healthy people it should be under 10). The ESR started off with 34 then went up to 48 and then dropped under the line of 20.
That made me wonder before if this actually really is an infection and not something else and one of the radiologists raised the same question pointing out that even for an atypical lung infection the whole process just doesn’t seem to add up and he suggested further tests already weeks ago, as did a colleague of his. Yet she never informed me about any of this and of course never initiated further examination.
Anyway, all things combined and thanks to the support of friends advising me to change doctors I decided to start looking for hospital after I posted the last update here, and prepared to have one last talk with the lung doctor yesterday. The x-ray showed again some improvement but as mentioned above I am still not feeling much better and she actually even commented that she can see I am not doing well.  I bit my tongue and simply replied that she was not going to do anything anymore because I don’t trust her or the hospital anymore. Her instant reaction was defensive and her whole attitude during that meeting yesterday just made me stronger in my decision. A friend of mine came along and it was good to have someone witness her in action and to hear not only how she talked to me but the things she said that still don’t make any sense at all. She didn’t answer his questions either! When I addressed aspects like her still not having informed my GP she cut me off by saying she has spoken to him in the meantime. When I addressed the medications she brushed it off by saying if she had known that the allergic reaction was that bad she had given me a pill against the itch, forgetting I told her that I had not been able to sleep for almost three days due to it! At the end she said I should not wait too long with seeing someone else and I replied that I will see to take care of myself and make sure I get an appointment a.s.a.p. and then she suddenly said that a few weeks don’t matter that much! I am still speechless … I am also still speechless about the fact that only now, after told her I don’t trust her and that I was going to see someone else, she said she will suggest/urge further examination in her rapport! 
After so much hesitation to take this step I felt good.  I got to say everything and I could see she was upset that she had not managed to make me waver; as I likely would have some weeks ago. I surely just learned something about myself again and I already know that it is not going to ever happen a second time that I get stuck with a doctor that does not answer my questions and treats me so carelessly.
After that was done I headed to my GP to set the next course of action. I copied all data for him and also printed out the number of the hospital I want to go to and two lung doctors there that I researched on which have been recommended by some people. It will be a bit of travelling but they are supposed to be the best hospital in Holland so I do hope I will indeed meet a doctor who does not ignore all the things that don’t make sense in my condition and cares enough to examine me thoroughly before doing any procedure or giving me more medication, and who can explain why he is doing what he does.
At first my GP seemed to be skeptical and after the conversation I just had with the lung doctor I felt new anger arising as I should not have to defend myself for asking a second opinion. Especially not considering this has been going on for three months by now! However, the more he heard the more he seemed to understand that I am not exaggerating or being difficult but that I do have several serious points there. My friend was with me again and he joined that conversation by giving my GP also his impression of it all – the whole process and how that woman has been treating me. Turns out she in fact has not contacted my doctor at all and I could see at some point he too was stunned by some of the things he heard. Of course, he didn’t say it out loud but his expression said it all! What started off a bit tensed ended with me feeling reassured that he is involved and supports me in this. I asked him if he could help me to avoid long waiting lists by calling them in my name and he indeed contacted them instantly and spoke to one of the doctors that I named who is going to call me back next week to arrange an appointment. 
I was deadbeat last evening after all those meetings but having it fianlly sorted out, I feel a lot more at rest and hope that from here on there will be better news to report in future. I deeply appreciate all my friends concern, steady support and love! Here is to a new and hopefully better chapter!
All my best and love to you all!
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
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Current mood:  drained
Category: Life
Quick update … its nearing February and unfortunately I am still not feeling much better.
After another two weeks on Antibiotics at least the pain started to become less but then I ended up with an allergic reaction. I got a new Antibiotic to which I also didnt react well at all and I was almost literally chained to bed again. That really is bad stuff! The pain got worse again and I was back to popping painkillers as if they are candy. That’s when I really got fed up and despite the x-ray showing improvement (that week) I went to ask for a copy of my complete file so that over a few weeks, if things haven’t changed and they are unwilling to examine me further but only give me more antibiotic instead, I can take action and seek a second opinion.
I feel like I have no right to complain but after so many weeks and all the additional problems I do start to get upset about the way that doctor treats me. She never once warned me about allergic reactions and serious side effects that I need to watch out for and neither does she make appointments to monitor the process. When I called about the allergic reaction she just sent me 42 pills of another antibiotic without seeing me or considering I might not react well to that group of Antibiotic and that maybe it would be better to first try a week only and see how that goes. I don’t get any answers to questions that I have and neither does she make sure to check my condition on a regular base considering the heavy medication I am on. When I went to ask for a copy of my file I heard that she also hasn’t even informed my GP yet about what's going on as she is supposed to do. I arranged a full check up and made an appointment with him for next week. His colleague was supposed to call me back about different painkillers as the ones I took so far interacted with the Antibiotic but much to my frustration that didn’t happen either. With so little energy as it is having to deal with all that is the last thing I need and I keep hoping it will all be over soon.
Since this week I am yet again on a new Antibiotic for another 2.5 weeks. Hopefully this is not going to make me worse again but finally better. I so miss being able to do the things I enjoy. I hope everyone is feeling and doing okay and I can soon catch up with you again!
For now: All my best and love!
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Monday, December 22, 2008
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Current mood:  hopeful
Category: Life
To all whom it concerns: I am sorry I will not get the chance to meet you in person this winter as it is official now: this year I won't be going anywhere anymore. 
I went to get the results of the bronchoscopy on Friday and what I heard didn't make me happy. You would think hearing that they could not find any bacteria or fungus or virus would be excellent news but unfortunately my condition has not gotten better. My blood tests are all clear and do not indicate an infection but a new photo showed that the infection is still there – without any change.
Anyway, my doctor decided to give me new anti biotic again because she discovered another bacteria in one of the test taken in November that came up with a bacteria which seems to be resistant to all the anti biotic I had so far. So she wants to try that first and unlike my regular doctor I do trust her and agreed with it. If that does not get me better then the next thing will be a lung biopsy. And what better day is there to find that out than the 31st, if my condition doesn't get wore before that. Ironic in a way.
My doctor looked sceptical but I am positive that a biopsy will not be necessary and that the new anti biotic are all I need(ed). Thinking about that part of me is angry that it took me having to see a specialist who looked at all the prior tests again to come across that one bacteria. Anyway, for now I am seeing every moment with less pain as some improvement and hopefully over a week or so the infection will be cleared and over maybe another week or two I will be completely recovered and can pick things up again.
Until then I will still (have to) keep a low profile here and try to get as much rest as I can and to keep the stress level as low as possible. 
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Monday, November 03, 2008
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Current mood: curious
Category: Life
I always took to this chapter of "The little prince" as it contains very true and valid points regarding relationships and people in our lives and what love means. Love is never about words but about actions … and loving someone, establishing ties, to me means indeed also being responsible for another. I at first didn't like the term "tame" but once reading the whole thing I knew it wasn't mean to suggest that you break someone's will in an attempt to own them … but it is about someone you chose to love for who they are! And by genuinely loving them you become considerate of their feelings and needs and once they trust you, because you show [or demonstrate/prove] you truly care and love them, you do not betray that trust … To genuinely love means (to me) that I care about someone else as much as I care about me because they become part of me. I would care and feel their pain as much as I care about me and feel my own. And yes I am then also responsible! I am no longer only responsible for me but also for those I love! I chose and that comes with responsibilities, no matter how hard that may be at times ... (Side note: To love doesn't mean sacrificing! Or to accept someone else you genuinely love betraying your trust! If you find yourself sacrificing or feel the other is sacrificing then it is not healthy and it is not genuine love! Well, and betrayal of trust .. we all know what that is ... )
... Well, that's just what I think anyway … and to be honest at this point I don't even want to write so much about MY thougths or feelings but simply felt like posting this chapter. I hope you do enjoy the read:
The little prince – chapter twenty-one
It was then that the fox appeared.
'Good morning,' said the fox.
'Good morning,' the little prince replied politely, though when he turned around, he saw nothing.
'I am here,' said the voice, 'under the apple tree … '
'Who are you?,' said the little prince. 'You are very pretty … '
'I am a fox,' said the fox.
'Come and play with me,' suggested the little prince. 'I am so terribly sad …'
'I cannot play with you,' said the fox. 'I am not tame.'
'Oh! I am so sorry,' said the little prince. But after some thought, he asked: 'what does "tame" mean?'
'You do not live here,' said the fox. 'What are you looking for?'
'I am looking for men,' said the little prince. 'What does "tame" mean?'
'Men,' said the fox, 'have riffles and they hunt, it is a real nuisance. They also raise chickens. Those are the only activities they are interested in. are you looking for chickens?'
'No,' said the little prince. 'I am looking for friends. What does "tame" mean?'
'It is something which is too often forgotten,' said the fox. 'It means to establish ties …'
'"To establish ties"?'
'That's right,' said the fox. 'To me, you are still just a little boy like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you have no need of me, either. To you I am just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we shall need one another. To me you will be unique. And I shall be unique to you.'
'I am beginning to understand,' said the little prince. 'There is a flower … I think she has tamed me …'
'Possibly,' said the fox. 'One sees all sorts of things on earth … '
'Oh! But it's not on earth,' said the little prince.
The fox seemed puzzled. 'On another planet?'
'Yes.'
'Are there any hunters on that planet?'
'No.'
'That's interesting! Any chickens?'
'No.'
'Nowhere is perfect,' sighed the fox. Presently he returned to his theme. 'My life is monotonous. I hunt chickens and men hunt me. All chicken are alike and all men are alike. So I get a little bored. But if you tame me my life will be full of sunshine. I shall recognise the sound of a step different from all others. The other steps send me hurrying underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like the sound of music. And look yonder! Do you see the cornfields? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. Those cornfields don't remind me of anything. And I find that rather sad! But you have hair the colour of gold. So it will be marvellous when you have tamed me! Wheat, which is also golden, will remind me of you. And I shall love the sound of the wind in the wheat …'
The fox became silent and gazed for a long time at the little prince.
'I beg of you … tame me!' he said.
'Willingly,' the little prince replied, 'but I haven't got much time. I have friends to discover and a lot of things to understand.'
'One can only understand the things one tames,' said the fox. 'Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy ready-made things in the shops. But since there are no shops where you can buy friends, men no longer have any friends. If you want a friend, tame me!'
'What should I do?' asked the little prince.
'You must be very patient,' replied the fox. ' First you will sit down at a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall watch you out of the corner of my eye and you will say nothing. Words are a source of misunderstandings. But every day, you can sit a little closer to me …'
The next day the little prince returned.
'You should have comeback at the same time,' said the fox. 'If for example you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, I shall start feeling happy at three o'clock. As the time passes, I shall feel happier and happier. At four o'clock, I shall become agitated and start worrying; I shall discover the price of happiness. But if you come at just any time, I shall never know when I should prepare my heart to greet you … one must observe certain rites.'
Thus it was that the little prince tamed the fox. And when the time came for his departure, the fox said: 'Oh! … I shall cry.'
'It is your own fault,' said the little prince. 'I wished you no harm but you wanted me to tame you.'
'Yes indeed,' said the fox.
'But you are going to cry!' said the little prince.
'That is so,' said the fox.
'Then it has not helped you in any way!'
'It has helped me,' said the fox, 'because of the colour of the Wheatfield's.' Then he added: 'go and have another look at the roses. And you will understand that yours is indeed unique in all the world. Then you will come back and say goodbye to me an I shall tell you a secret as a gift.'
The little prince went off to look at the roses again.
'None of you is at all like my rose. As yet you are nothing,' he said to them. 'Nobody has tamed you and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first encountered him. He was just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I made him my friend and now he is unique in the world.'
And the roses were greatly embarrassed.
'You are beautiful but you are empty,' he continued. 'One cannot die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would believe that my very own rose looked just like you, but she is far more important than all of you because she is the one I have watered. And it is she I have placed under a glass dome. And it is she that I have sheltered behind a screen. And it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars. And it is she I have listened to because she is my rose.'
And he went back to the fox.
'Goodbye,' he said.
'Goodbye,' said the fox. 'Now here is my secret. It is very simple. It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.'
'What is essential is invisible to the eye,' the little prince repeated, so as to be sure to remember.
'It is time you lavished on your rose which makes your rose so important.'
'It is time that I lavished on my rose … ' said the little prince, so as to be sure to remember.
'Men have forgotten this basic truth,' said the fox. 'But you must not forget it. For what you have tamed, you become responsible forever. You are responsible for your rose …'
'I am responsible for my rose …' the little prince repeated, so as to be sure to remember.
*
... make sure to remember ...
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