God bless everyone who has been so patient with me for the past 2 years! Please forgive me for taking so long to respond to all of your e-mails, guest book posts, Facebook requests, etc.  I have been off-line for almost 2 years incorporating 23 alters/parts, since I was diagnosed with DID (formerly multiple personality disorder). I am happy and proud to say that I have been successful in incorporating 20 of the 23 parts. I feel more whole than I have in my entire life! It has been a lot of work, but also a huge blessing.

I appreciate all of you who visited my Web site: hope4survivors.com
during my absence and I hope it was helpful to all of you. I promise to catch up on responding to everyone who has been in contact with me and visited my Web site. I also plan to update the site soon and add more material on the incorporation work I have been successful with these past two years.  So, please visit often as there should be new material there shortly and often in the months to come. Thank you again. God bless and Hugs, Hope

Hi everyone...to all my old friends and new friend requests and messages I haven't been able to answer yet (please forgive me).  This has been the most difficult year of my life, post my childhood torture and abuse!  Where do I begin?  I started the year very physically ill and was actually clinically dead for a couple of minutes!  I was honestly devestated when they brought me back.  I would NEVER commit suicide, but I was ready for Jesus to take me home where I would not suffer any more.  Apparently, that was not his plan.  As some of you know, I lost my job last Feb. and I haven't been able to find a job since.  I applied for disability and even used an attorney/advocate that specializes in disability applications with the SSA.  I just found out recently that I was denied.  I have been actively looking for a job and haven't received one call back.  We'll lose our house shortly.

The good, great, fantastic, life-saving news is I got through a program for DID and PTSD and it was very successful!  It is called WIIT - Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy.  http://www.wiit.com/  It's located in Hollywood, Florida.  My husband found it for me in September after I spent a week-long stint in bed.  My parts were out all over the place and I could no longer drive without fear of disappearing.  It has been a very strange time!  One of my parts plotted to kill me  on several occassions and i got so paranoid that when my husband was traveling for his job and my daughter was at school, I woud barricade myself in  my bedroom...not to keep fearful things out, but to keep me in!  I have many stories to tell about my dissociative fuges, escapes, lost time, etc., but I'll wait to blog about that later.

This bulletin is just to say that I am much better, both physically and mentally/emotionally and to recommend the WITT program   http://www.wiit.com/  to anyone struggling with severe trauma, PTSD and/or DID.  Check out their web site.  My insurance covered it 100% and even if it didn't, my husband was willing to sell everything to get me into the program.  It was life-changing.  I have not switched since I've been back.  I still won't be on-line as much as i'd like in the immediate future, because it is imperative that I find a job, but I promise to be back more regularly whenever I can.  I've been praying for you all and send my love, Hope?

Nothing fancy here...No pretty graphics...No words of wisdom, sorry.

I just wanted all my dear friends to know where I've been and to let you all know how much I appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and concern for me these past few months.

As some of you know (if you read my bulletin or my last message posted on my Web site: www.hope4survivors.com), I was severely ill after returning from Christmas vacation visiting my son before he shipped out with the Navy for a 7 month tour.  I was hospitalized with severe reactive asthma that progressed into pneumonia and I literally almost died.  My oxygen levels were extremely low and at least once, when the hospital staff thought I was unconscious, I heard them say, "We're losing her!"  Funny thing is, I was not afraid at all!  I felt an overwhelming sense of relief!!!  As all of you know I am an abuse survivor and my recovery process has been long and exhausting!  Most of you also know that I am a Christian and I was ready to fall into the loving arms of Jesus right then and there.  Instead, I re-gained consciousness several hours later and instead of feeling relieved...like I had been given a second chance at life, I felt cheated!  I know that must sound strange to some of you, but it's true.  I would have missed my husband, my kids and all of my friends, but I was honestly ready for the long struggle I have undergone since the years of abuse, neglect and torture I suffered as a child to be OVER, FOREVER! 

Anyway, this feeling of being cheated eventually evolved into a full blown depression and thoughts of suicide and I checked into a psych hospital on February 24th.  My current therapist had the insight to ask me the dates of all the other suicide attempts and hospitalizations throughout my life and so I looked into it.  My father's birthday is February 25th!  It had never dawned on me before why I often get severely depressed as his birthday approaches.  Since I do not have all of my memories, I don't remember specifically what happened on my father's birthdays when I was a child, but my therapist theorizes that he must have given himself an extra "special treat" (her words, not mine) on his birthday and that's why I often break down around that time of year.

Another revelation...I was diagnosed with DID in the hospital!  I was shocked in some ways and in other ways I was not surprised at all.  My identical twin (who was also abused...often right in front of my eyes) was diagnosed with DID several months ago.  I guess it is very common for severely abused/neglected/tortured young children to develop alters in order to survive (literally).  So, this is what I have been dealing with these past months and it has been quite a struggle!  I won't pretend to have any answers about it.  I'm baffled, confused, freaked out and down right scared shitless!!!  So, I don't know how often I'll be on here.  I'm just trying to survive right now and I mean that quite literally also.

This might sound quite crazy, but if you want to judge, be my guest.  I don't know if my father brainwashed me or what, but apparently one of my alters is in charge of keeping all the nasty, dirty little secrets and now that everything is out in the open and he has been discovered...this alter is pissed at me!  He (I say he, because this alter seems to relate to my sadistic father for some insane reason) has severely hurt me several times since my diagnosis and I have uncovered/foiled what I believe to be plans to kill me.  One of which was discovering a large straight edged razor that I have no memory of purchasing or placing in my bathroom.  Luckily, I was "myself" when I discovered it and disposed of it where it could not be used to my demise.  Apparently, this alter does not believe that he is part of me and that if he kills me, he will be dead too, so that's part of what I've been working on.  It's so freaky and weird!  Most days I feel quite insane!  It sucks to have lived my whole childhood in utter terror and fear of my parents and now there are days I am just as afraid of myself...or at least a part of myself!  How F'd up is that?!!

Anyway, there's a brief explanation of what I've been going through and where I've been.  I thought I'd better blog while I am me and not someone else (I've discovered at least six alters/parts already).  I cannot guarantee when I will be back, but I am determined to communicate only when I am the adult, "host" me.  If any of this makes sense, then you're way ahead of where I'm at!! 

Trying to keep a sense of humor!  Love to all, Hope

 

 

During this hectic time of year, it can be especially difficult to slow down and just BE.  Please try some of these ideas and enjoy the blessing that is YOU!

God bless, love and light during the holidays and always, Hope

How to Turn Unavoidable Triggering Experiences into Opportunities for Healing

As survivors of trauma, domestic violence and abuse, we've all had them...those experiences we could not forsee, could not avoid and could not have expected that pop up and trigger burried emotions associated with our abuse.  These things happen and sometimes there is nothing we can do about them.  We can't always avoid experiences that trigger us, BUT we CAN turn them into opportunities for healing.  How?  I'll give you an example from a recent experience of mine.

It was still dark and I was awake with a start!  My cell phone was ringing. I glanced at the clock...1:30 a.m.  When ever your phone rings at that time of night, it's never something good!  I dreaded answering it, but I had to find out what the emergency was.  It was the security company my employer pays to safeguard our office and warehouse.  A woman on the other end of the line is telling me that the alarm has gone off at the warehouse door to our building.  She tells me that the police have been summoned and she promises to call me back just as soon as they investigate the situation.

Since I'm the only employee who doesn't travel, I'm the reluctant emergency contact for such phone calls that wake you up in the middle of the night.  I live almost 30 miles from the office, so there is nothing I can do but wait to hear back from the security company.  I apologize to my sleepy husband and pad downstairs in my bathrobe.  I wait...and I wait...and I wait.  No phone call.

I don't really need a phone call to confirm what I already suspect.  The cleaning woman has left the warehouse door unlocked again after opening it to discard the garbage into the dumpster behind the building.  After many reminders, the cleaning lady continues to forget to relock this door.  It is Monday morning, so I am certain this is the case.  The cleaning company always cleans our offices on Sunday.  A lucky would-be robber has found my company's back door unlocked and has entered the warehouse.  The alarm has gone off to notify the security company.

After that, I don't know what has happened for certain.  After over an hour of waiting, I call the security company back.  The night shift worker who answers the phone has no idea what I'm talking about!  In my slumbering, half-awake state, I neglected to get the name of the woman who had phoned me earlier.  The girl answering there now tells me rather rudely that I would have received a call back if the police had called them back.  Her conclusion is that the police never investigated (a conclusion that turned out to be correct).  She suggests I go back to sleep and follow-up in the morning and hangs up!  I am too tired to argue.  I have already been told that my office is closing and I am out of a job soon, so I don't have much motivation to go trapsing into the night to check out the situation myself.  My exhausted husband has just returned from a long business trip and I just don't have the heart to ask him to accompany me to the office in the middle of the night.  It sounds like a potentially volatile situation.  I conclude that if the police can't be bothered, than neither will I until morning.

Being the recovering survivor that I am, I try to avoid potentially dangerous situations as much as possible.  I have no idea what exactly transpired the night before at my office.  What will I find when I arrive there?  Will the offices be cleaned out?  Since the police never arrived, the burglars had plenty of time to do just that. I am more than a little nervous about entering the building alone!  I am usually the first one to arrive in the mornings.  To avoid the hellacious Atlanta traffic, I usually leave home before 6:00 a.m.  There is only one other employee who gets in that early and he is not on the road travelling.  I worry that he will arrive before me and enter an unexpectedly EMPTY office!  So, I call him to warn him of that possibility.  He doesn't answer his cell phone.  I call his office extension.  He doesn't answer that phone either.  I leave messages for him on both voice mails.

I am growing worried the closer I get to the office.  The only other person who might accompany me into the building is not answering his phones.  I was hoping one of the guys would be there when I open shop.  No such luck!  I arrive at the office around 6:45 a.m.  It is still dark, but the grounds crew are working blowing leaves in the front parking lot.  I drive up to our office, but don't get out of my car.  The office is dark and the front door is still locked.  However, I hear a faint alarm wailing in the distance.  I decide to drive around to the back of the building where the warehouse is.  I figure if something appears threatening, I can drive away fast!  As I get closer to our loading dock, I see it...the back door swung wide open!  The alarm is blaring out the opening into the early morning dawn.  No one seems concerned.  None of the other office occupants who are in their offices nor any of the grounds crew seem to be curious about the alarm or open door!  There are no police in the vicinity and it's obvious to me that they never came to investigate.  Surely, the police would have at least closed the door!

I sit in my car trying to decide what to do.  The longer I sit, the angrier I become.  No one cares!  No one cares if we were robbed! No one cares if I have been put at risk!  No one even notices or even seems curious as to why our alarm is blaring away!  Even those we pay to protect us don't care!  This realization makes me angry!

Well, I won't go into the rest of the details of that aggrevating morning.  Suffice it to say that I was not hurt, thankfully and the would-be burglars must have been scared off by the alarm when it sounded, because after my investigation, I found everything in it's place.  It helped that the cleaning woman remembered to lock the fire door separating the warehouse from the main offices, so the robbers were not able to enter that part of the building.

What I want to relay is that my being placed at risk and no one caring triggered rage that was burried deep inside of me about my past abuse.  You see, no one cared then either!  The people you count on to protect you as a small child...your parents, they were my abusers.  So, they obviously didn't care about my safety and well being, but no one else did either.  People who saw me every day, never asked questions.  Never seemed to wonder why my eyes were always so swollen and red from crying.  No one seemed to wonder where the bruises and marks came from.  No one seemed to wonder why I was always exhausted and why my eyes...my expression always looked so hopeless.  Not one neighbor.  Not one teacher.  Not one Sunday school teacher, pastor or youth counselor.  None of my friend's parents.  None of my other relatives.  No one cared enough to ask, to find out what was desperately wrong.  No one wanted to protect me, just like the current experience.  That's why I became so enraged.  I didn't try to hide it.  After I gave the security company a piece of my mind about their failing to protect the company's property, I decided to let some more of my rage out!  I had to.  It was eating me up inside.

Luckily, no one else showed up at the office that day.  Most of the guys were on the road and the one employee who was supposed to be in the office that day, just decided not to come.  I think it was a blessing that I was alone, because it gave me an opportunity to safely release some burried anger and rage. 

Safely Releasing Rage:

The three rules of safely releasing rage are:

1.  You can't hurt yourself.  WARNING: Be careful! Be sure to do some stretching warm up exercises before you begin any physical release work...just like you would any other strenuous exercise.  Be careful not to pull, strain or sprain any muscles, ligaments, joints, bones, etc.  Use caution while you strike any surface!

2.  You can't hurt anyone else.

3.  You can't destroy anything of value.

Since none of our office neighbors seemed to care about the screaming alarm, I figured they would pay no mind to any noise I made either.  Since we recycle plastic in our break room, I decided to use an empty plastic water bottle to release some anger.  I took the bottle and wrapped some paper towel around the mouth of it, to protect my hands.  I then proceeded to whack the empty bottle against the counter top in our office break room.  There was nothing on the counter that I risked breaking, so I flailed away with the empty plastic bottle letting all the rage come out with every stroke.  As the minutes passed, I felt a feeling of power well up inside me and I felt confident as I continued to lash at the counter with the plastic bottle.  I started to rant as I swung the bottle again and again.  I cried to the empty space what I thought about the police who never showed up to investigate the would-be robbery.  I used some choice swear words to vent about the idiots who worked at the security company (that's some misnomer!).  Security my you-know-what!  After I started to feel relief about the current situation, I started to strike and wail about my lack of protection as a child.  I yelled and screamed and swore and struck that empty plastic bottle until the mouth of it broke off at the neck! 

During my beating of the bottle and my venting I felt an enormous release and relief!  I did this without hurting myself, anyone else or anything of value.  The empty plastic bottle was another story.  It was shredded beyond recognition, but I think the recyclers were able to recycle it just fine!

For more ideas on releasing pent up rage, please visit my Web site:

http://www.hope4survivors.com/Triggers4.html

For ideas on releasing other buried emotions, please see this page:

http://www.hope4survivors.com/InnerChildHealingWounds.html

God bless, love and light, Hope

 

 

 

 

Third Day Concert = Awesome!

My sweet hubby got me tickets to go see Third Day in concert for my birthday.  The concert was last night and it was very uplifting!  For anyone who is not familiar with their music, I highly recommend it.  It is not typical "Christian music."  They have a unique musical talent and a gift for reaching others for Christ with their special messages in their songs.  My husband NEVER listens to Christian music and he LOVED it!  He prefers rock music and this band knows how to rock!

Third Day,

The only tiny complaint I have is that they did not play my favorite song of theirs, King of Glory.  It's an awesome song!  Since I haven't heard it in awhile, I thought I'd post the lyrics here.  They are very meaningful and I pray that the meaning of this song will touch you and sink deep into your heart:

Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me

Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man

His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart
The King of glory

Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the gracious King of kings
the Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of Glory, He's everything to me

The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me

God bless,

Okay, if you've been following my Blog and Web site:

www.hope4survivors.com

...you know that I've been discussing toxic shame caused by abuse. Now that we know what it is, where it hides and the cover-ups we use to pretend it's now there, let's get to the positive stuff...SOLUTIONS FOR HEALING SHAME.  I've divided these powerful exercises into two Web pages:

http://www.hope4survivors.com/ShameSolutions.html

http://www.hope4survivors.com/ShameSolutions2.html

Please check it out and try some of these amazing exercises. I have done most of them myself and found them to be very powerful, liberating and healing. Let me know how some of them work for you. If something doesn't feel like a fit for you, please try something else. There's enough material posted on these two pages for everyone to find at least one thing they feel comfortable with that should provide some relief. So, good luck and God bless you on your healing journey. Love and light,

Now that my hubby is out of danger, physically, I am getting caught up with updating my Web site:  www.hope4survivors.com

The topics I've posted today have to do with the following:

The Hiding Places of Toxic Shame

http://www.hope4survivors.com/ShameHidingPlaces.html

This section talks about ways we cover up the toxic shame brought about from abuse, violation and other forms of trauma.  This section talks about defenses we put up and addictions we use to numb our true feelings and avoid facing the shame head on.

Solutions for Healing from Toxic Shame

http://www.hope4survivors.com/ShameSolutions.html

This section begins the discussion on ways to heal from toxic shame.  What I've loaded today deals with ways to come out of hiding, admit you need help and how to start to get it.

I'll be back next week with more solutions for healing toxic shame and continue on with our Inner Child work.

Until then, God bless, love and light, Hope

 

Angela Shelton Declares War on Sexual Predators She Demands Congress fund it like one. HOLLYWOOD, CA. (PRWEB) October 13, 2006 -- In the wake of news that Congressman Mark Foley acted in a predatory manner towards the pages he was elected to protect, Angela Shelton has brought a challenge to Congress. At a Press Conference organized by PROTECT.org at the National Press Club in Washington DC on October 5th, the model, filmmaker and child safety advocate demanded that every member of congress bring the commitment of fighting the war against people who prey on children back to their home districts in each of their states. "While America is shocked, I am not," stated Shelton, "The overwhelming majority of child sexual predators are people we know, people we like, people who look like the very people who would never rape a child. They are our fathers, coaches, family members, teachers, doctors, clergy, and yes, even our elected officials." For the complete story, please click here:

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2006/10/prweb449673.htm

Kudos to Angela!  She is fighting for all survivors and we appreciate it!

Healing Shame

Some psychiatrists estimate that there is NOT ONE single human being who has not experienced the ravaging effects of toxic shame.  For this reason, I would encourage ANYONE reading this to read on.  Healing from toxic shame is not just for the abused, EVERYONE has experienced this at one time or another, even if they had the most wonderful, loving parents in the world.  Our society: schools, religious groups and peers are all guilty of shaming us in an unhealthy way from time to time.

There is a difference between healthy shame and what some people call "toxic" shame.  Healthy shame makes us human. Healthy shame is honest.  Healthy shame is a way of realizing our limitations.  It's often referred to as our conscience.  It lets us know that we are not perfect and that sometimes we are going to make mistakes.  It lets us ask for help and seek new solutions.  It helps us be creative and realize that we have a need for loving, caring relationships.

  Toxic shame however, is an excruciatingly painful internal experience of unexpected exposure.  It is felt primarily from the inside.  It divides us from ourselves and from others.  We disown ourselves and this disowning demands a cover-up.  Toxic shame loves darkness and secrets.  It is this dark secret, toxic shame that makes us feel stuck.  Because toxic shame covers itself up, we have to track it down by learning to recognize its many distracting behavioral hiding places.  But first, we must learn how our shame became toxic in the first place...what the sources of toxic shame are.

Toxic shame is an interpersonal problem.  It originates primarily in significant relationships.  Our most significant relationships are those with our original families.  Toxic shame is most often multi-generational.  Family secrets can go back many generations and can be carried forward generation after generation.  Since these secrets are kept hidden, they never get worked out.  These dysfunctional families are created when shame-based people find and marry each other.  Most often, these shame-based couples consist of co-dependent adults looking to the other to parent the wounded child within them.

When sorrow and sadness are shamed, it's energy builds into inconsolable grief and can lead to suicidal feelings and attempts. This is only one of the reasons why learning what toxic shame is, where it's hiding and how to heal from it are ESSENTIAL.

Please visit my Web site to learn more about this important topic:

http://www.hope4survivors.com/Shame.html

I'll be back tomorrow with more on the hiding places of toxic shame (so that we can identify it and bring it out into the light) and solutions for healing toxic shame.  God bless, Hope