It was supposed to be a relatively uneventful day. I would go the movies, pick up some weed, smoke it, then go home and sleep. After all, I did have to work in the morning. Brandee was to be coming over in an hour so, so I'll just sit here watching TV. It's funny, this TV. How it can bring so many people together yet push so many people apart.

Brandee came, so Kiri and I went to greet her. Then I went back to the TV while they bought the tickets online. Jerad sat with me; he was ready for the movies too. Kiri's being awfully kind and nice, considering that she has been secluded from her friends for such an extensive period of time. The parents don’t like it, they think something is up. They always think that, it IS Kiri. Kiri was up to no-good 99% of the time during her adult life. Living and living, no time to think, just live. Sometimes it's good to have that kind of experience. You learn to love it, but if you are used to thinking (as I was) you hate it at first. Only natural, believe me.

The tickets have been bought, and Dad has apologized for the argument. This is good, we don't need any bad chi. Good things are supposed to happen tonight, good things. Bad things are bad. We have an hour to kill, so we head on over to Buster's house. The parents are unaware of this of course, as they have been for the past month. Kiri's going away present is going along smoothly.

Well, I guess not. Buster is not at his house. So we wait while Britney and Kiri mingle. Britney is rather hated amongst everyone outside of Kiri's circle of friends for obvious reason to us, but subtle reasons to everyone else. I personally cannot stand her, she is ever so condescending. Age is a factor, but then again I find myself to be much more mature than her in some areas. She is socially handicapped whereas I am socially insecure. Maybe that's why I don't like her, because I see myself in her. Like a cry for help.

While they mingled, Jerad and I stood around like social rejects. In this social environment (three girlfriends who rarely see each other, but love each other so much) you can't even attempt to be a part. So you just wait. I've learned to wait this past month, and for good reason too. However, I am feeling rather pissed. Jerad is annoying the shit out of me. He tends to just not listen, oblivious to everything around him. Something I am not very fond of. He is a late bloomer, for sure.

"Let's us three go out and party and leave the kids here."

Yup, Britney is on a roll. She thinks she's funny, but I hate her. Looking back on it, I could have not been as easily affected by that remark... but I let it get to me. She got to me. She's such a bitch. Fuck her. Cunt.

So we made our way to Buster's friend's house (Ronald? Ruben? Richard?). They didn't seem too happy to see us. By "us", I mean me and Jerad. Jerad wasn't exactly a part of the group... he is only 14 after all and I had said some remarks to Britney on the phone because she had pissed me off a few weeks earlier and I was finally getting my revenge. Braidon wasn't too happy, Buster was Buster, and I was angry. We all wanted to get high, and I'm at the point as to where I can get high to cool down. I'm simmering.

Buster can only find one contact, Nate. There's been a drought the past week or two. It was hard finding bud, and good bud at that. It's all this dry shit that no one appreciates. We take Buster and kin back to the Casa de Buster and enjoy about 15 more minutes of Kritney time before heading of to the motion picture we're all dying to see.

R rated films are ever so joyful. We get inside with no hesitation whatsoever, no problem whatsoever. We find the perfect seats with no quarrel among us. We're all in a good mood; I'm in a better mood. I don't have to be around Britney and I get to be in comfortable seating. "I'm hungry, Jerad go get some snacks." I think that's a bad idea, but oh well, he shouldn't have a problem if he doesn't get paranoid. Kiri's and Brandee's laziness can be comical at times... but at other times not so much.

You see, Jerad became rather paranoid.

The pussy-whipped worker came back and ruined the movie. "Any of you guys older than 21?" While Kiri tried to convince him to keep us in the theater, I became lost in my thoughts. Why did I let them send Jerad? Why did they have to be so goddamn lazy? Why are they so irresponsible? Fuck them, I thought. Fuck this theater, too. Fuck this worker. Fuck everything.

Jerad didn't like it either, he knew he fucked up. He knew it wasn't a good idea. All he wanted was some damn popcorn.

So we left that theater and switched our tickets to a movie Jerad and I had seen, but Kiri and Brandee had not. However, we had all lost the need to even see a film. What was the point? I came here to see something specific, why do they get to tell me what to do? Who are they to tell me what to do? Fuck them, they're assholes.

We left the theater and went to the nearby diner to munch on some food before heading over to Buster's. We laid out our plan, and Jerad just kept annoying me. I was becoming more and more agitated with the whole situation we were in. Things were supposed to run smoothly, they are not running smoothly. Kiri has called Buster numerous times; he has not obtained the weed yet. He is taking way too long. We only have about three more hours before the parents become suspicious.

The waitress comes. "What can I get you guys, right now?" At least she isn't cracked out like the other one from a week ago.

"I would like four waters and a Dr. Pepper with no ice please."
She gives me a look, and continues with the rest of the orders.

I never got any of my waters, and why is there ice in my Dr. Peppers?
It's just one thing after another.

We eat our food (or was that coal? Couldn't tell.) and move on to Buster's house. Buster and Braidon hop in the trunk of the Chevy HHR and we're on our way to Nate's house. It's dark outside, and the air has cooled. The trees tower over the streets, and the street lights glow that perfect glow in the haze of the Washington sky. "Where are we going?"

Jerad just doesn't know.
Kiri tells him, and I become much more irritated.

Fifteen minutes through the maze of roadways in Parkland, we find Nate standing at the edge of his street. This racially insecure man has been a part of my life for a month now... and I have to say he reminds me of my brothers in a weird way. After all, I used to live in this area. That was a long time ago, however.

He hops in the trunk and we're off to find the bud. We're getting a dub, because that is usually all it takes to keep us going. We're not aiming to be outright blazed; we just need a little touch up. This is fine, considering I’ve been a stoner for the past month or so. We turn around and go the way we came while Nate texts his supplier. The supplier is a little finicky, as he doesn't know who we are and what we're all about.

Meanwhile: "Where are we going?"

Jerad still just doesn't know, and all he has to do is listen to what's going on. He doesn't even have music on him... he is irritating me heavily. So I yell at him, I'm at the breaking point. He needs to shut the fuck up. He needs to quiet himself before I slap him. Brother or no brother, he is just annoying.

"Kiri, what are you doing?!?" yells Braidon. What is she doing? She keeps on moving too slow, and turning the wrong way. Why is she being so damn lazy? She seems to be floating through the night... nobody wants to float. We want to smoke.

I get irritated with her once again. She is starting to turn into Britney, she has one benefit though: she has a brain. Kiri has a fucking brain, she can think if she wants. Why is she not thinking?

"Turn right here, they should be on this road." We turn right... no one is there. Apparently the dealers decided to change the spot a few minutes ago without telling us. Nate wasn't happy about that, but he doesn't let it get to him. Jerad is oblivious, and Kiri is ever more anxious.

So we pull into Wal-Mart ten minutes later to see a cop leaving the parking lot. "That's sketchy, I don't like that." says Kiri, even though everyone knows she's just being paranoid. That is not very likely for Kiri. She is driving, so she needs to be calm. She is being very dumb. You never freak before the deal, she knows this. This just agitates me; she's being dumb for even THINKING that the cop would suspect us. Braidon becomes irritated himself, it's in the air.

We make our way over to McDonald's (via Wal-Mart parking lot) and park. This is our third parking spot, as we have been told to move by the dealer by text twice already. Nate tells him where we are, so we wait. "What are we doing?"

"Jerad stop asking so many questions, just go with the flow."

Kiri was right; he was being too immature. Way too stupid. Everyone is dumb tonight, why? Jerad had already gone to the bathroom with Braidon and Buster, so that won't be a problem. Good, now all we have to do is wait.

Fifteen minutes later a black Cadillac pulls up and Nate hops out to greet it. He comes back without Kiri's 20 and with her dub. Except that it’s extremely small to be a dub. Is this a dime? Kiri become very angry, as is customary tonight.

"I want my fucking money back, you go over there and get my damn money back." she says.

Nate jogs over, jogs back, and says that it's a no-can-do. The dealers don't take in returns, a deal is a deal. Off the dealers go, and here we stay, seething. Braidon become even more agitated, "You don't even know Kiri, it’s fucking dense. They weigh this shit differently." Nate chimes in: "Yeah, the shit you get is usually fluffy, so chill."

I'm thinking this is stupid; we're going to be late. As we drive back to the church next to Nate's house I am just getting mad. Jerad keeps bugging me and Kiri with questions, Kiri keeps driving stupid, Brandee just sits there, Buster just sits there, Braidon is the only one on my side. He is irritated at the same things. Nate is the only neutral one, funny... because Brandee hates her.

"Why don't you get out then?"

"Why don't you stop the car?"

Kiri acts like she doesn't hear me. She knows I can get back by walking. She knows that if I come home alone she's in deep shit. I know this too, and I'm willing to risk walking home in the night. I know my way, all we've been doing is driving these parts looking for and smoking weed. It's easy to remember where to go here, there are landmarks everywhere.

Back at the church, I decide not to smoke. Braidon offers twice (as the pipe went around only twice), I politely say no. I do not speak, I am too angry to speak. Brandee isn't smoking, so she is silent herself. She walks in circles; I stand there listening to music. I am too angry to smoke; I never smoke when I'm supremely mad. It just isn't smart.

They finish, I've listened to Exodus. Milestones a plenty. We all gather in the car, and drop Nick off at his street. He says farewell and now we are finally on our way home. Kiri is up to her laziness again, and Braidon lashes out at her. He looks at me after the debacle, "You and me on the same page?"

"We're on the same fucking word, man."

He laughs the Braidon laugh. For someone as old as I am, he has years of wisdom that I will never have. He is one hell of a person, even though he is an asshole. But then again, I don't have any qualms with that. He is who he is. I love him for that.

As we drive towards Buster's house, no one is talking. Brandee sits and stares at the road. Jerad twiddles his thumbs. Braidon and Buster are looking out the back window. Kiri focuses on steering wheel while I gaze out my window. "Is that Eddie?"

We all look behind to see the black man we all know tailing us. Eddie is one of my most cherished friends. He can befriend anyone he wants; he just has to want to. It isn't in a negative way, he is just so socially advanced that he can do what he wants with people and they just stay surprised. Everything he does is unique, from walking to talking to sleeping. Eddie is Eddie, and everyone knows that.

We all enjoy the fact that he randomly shows up behind us. This is an accident, but we all know (except for Jerad, I believe) that he just got off work. I love coincidences.

He speeds ahead of us and turns towards Buster's pad. He knew where we were going. We make our way to Buster's and he's there waiting. Braidon and Buster go inside, then come out and jump into the back of Eddie's car (it's a four-door, so no worries). He drives off in the direction of our house. Not a good idea. The parents would hate having Buster and Braidon over, they are associated with Britney and no one likes Britney remember?

So Kiri calls Eddie numerous times and he does not answer. So I decide to call him and he answers posing as a worker for a Chinese food restaurant. He can be silly because he is silly. I tell him what's up, and he disappears from behind us (oh yeah, we had overtaken them... forgot to mention that). Kiri gets us home safely, and I immediately go inside. I'm still irked.

I call the love of my life and lay down what had just happened, I talk to her for a good hour and then I decide I'm going to sleep. After all, I still have to work tomorrow (today). Before going to sleep, I sit down on the couch in the living room and watch the movie on the TV. Jerad's watching it along with me, as is Keila. I look at Keila and she has a rosary hanging from her neck. "Why are you wearing that around your neck?" She explains her reason, but it didn't matter. I just wanted to attack her for loving Jesus. I was angry, and she's only 10... easy pickings. She gets mad herself and walks off to her room.

I sit there, gloomy and angry as hell, watch the TV and do nothing. I hear footsteps to my right that belongs to Kiri, I look over to her and she has a coat on. She's dressed to leave the house. "Are you mad at me?" I am. "Why?" Because you're laziness annoys the shit out of me. "Well, I'm sorry. But I'm gonna go smoke, maybe you should come with me." No, not a good idea at all. I need to sleep. "Alright then, well I'll be out there. Cover for me." Wait, weed makes me tired. I'm coming with. "Okay."

I walk beside her outside our front door, towards Eddie's car parked down the street. I explain why I am so bitter towards Britney, as she had asked why I didn't like her. She understands, and I understand. I tell her it's not her fault Britney is dumb, but that's that.

We make it to Eddie's car, get settled, load a bowl, and it begins to pass. As we're smoking we begin to talk about personalities. I can't say why, because we never discuss such a topic. It came up after we talked about how Eddie had been a dick to me for an entire week for no apparent reason last winter. I guess I can understand why we talked about personalities, but it was still odd.

"How about me?" I ask Eddie. I'm high, but I will always respect his opinion. What he has to say really matters to me. He knows his shit; he knows everyone else's shit. He just knows shit. It's Eddie, it makes Eddie Eddie.

Kiri ponders why everyone hates her so much. We explain to her why. She is brash and rude and crude. She doesn't give a fuck and that intimidates people. So people, mostly Braidon and Buster, treat her like shit because she treats them like shit. It's only natural in this town.

How about me? Why doesn't any treat me like shit? "You're just cute little Axl." Huh? "Yeah." I don't understand, I'm an asshole. Kiri looks over with a gleeful look, "Like they don't want to mess him?" "No... you're... you're like a sick puppy. No one can hate you." I don't like that, I treat people like shit like Kiri does and I am so sarcastic I piss myself off at times. That doesn't make sense. "Don't worry about it; you can use it to your advantage." I don't want to hear that. That's just stupid. I don't want to be compared to a sick puppy. How many people think that? Do the B's think that shit? That's fucking retarded!

So we continue to smoke, I shut my mouth. I just keep thinking and thinking. I hate people who make people give them sympathy. I think of all the times I have done that... too many to count. I think of all the things I have said, all the things I have done. I think of my mannerisms and my sayings. I think of the things I say. Eddie is right. How does he know, but I don't know? Why am I so inferior? Why do I feel like such a child? Why do I feel so useless and worthless? Even Kiri didn't see where he was going.

Now I feel sad. I feel like I'm going to cry. Why? My mom made me this way. She made me a little bitch. She drilled it in my head from the beginning. She has done this to exert power over me, to exert control over me. Ugh, I could cry.

Eddie pulls up to the front of the house, we sit and smoke another bowl. I feel worse. I feel stifled. I feel like I'm being choked. I need to get some fresh air. I open the door and go to the back of his little compact car and rest against the back fender. As I am looking at the trees and the streetlight and the stars... I feel small. I am so small. Those stars have their own lives; they have lived their own lives. These trees are older than my Dad. That streetlight is more important to the world than I am. I feel like an ant trying to be a whale. A bug trying to be the world. I am a child trying to be an adult. How insignificant am I? Why do I think I'm so important? I'm not dealing with this.

I get back up and get inside the car, Kiri is concerned. Let's go for a walk guys, I feel like I want to kill myself. "Okay, okay, we'll go to the church then." Good, now I can put my mind to something else.

Now, forgive me for being a horrible narrator, but I do not remember much of the next twelve minutes. We start walking to the church (which is a good ten minute walk) and I being talking to Eddie. I'm angry and sad, and I feel worthless. I am blazed. Mixing with Eddie's weed intensified the experience, he always gets good bud. Always.

I begin to become angry towards Eddie, he is pissing me off. He can tell. So he fights back with his own verbal assault. I am no match in the state I am currently experiencing. I am not mad at Eddie, I am mad at myself. So why won't he shut the fuck up? SHUT THE FUCK UP!! "Guys, be quiet, you both need to calm down." Eddie's always calm, always. I need to calm down. I feel tears coming to my eyes. My hands are shaking. My skin feels warm. My face feels cold. My hair is tugging at the skin on my scalp. I feel like another person inside an alien body. Who am I?

Half way down the street of the church, I decide against going there. I thought it was best for me just to go home and sleep. So I turn around and venture my way home. It's dark and there are loud bugs, so I become a little paranoid... but I'm high and I know I'm high so I'm not trippin'.

As I make it to the stop sign (the fourth way point), I thought to myself that I can't just go home. Kiri has to be with me. I wait at the red octagon. They come five minutes and we're off to the house. No one speaks. I listen to music and walk. The house is empty and the night is damp and dead. The world is so big, and I am so small. I look at my feet, for I feel sad when I look at the trees and the sky.

I am no match for their beauty.

The emptiness of the world implores us to find a unique hiding spot to load our last bowl and be on our way. As we load up the bowl we hear loud, blaring country music and the constant hum of motors coming down our street. We walk out in the open to see Corey in his truck and Chris in his car driving.

That was odd, they never go down our road. We assumed they were going to the church so we began walking out that way again. Chris and Corey knew each other? That was new, and a surprise. Corey is a big, well-intentioned contradiction. He is a black man, the only black man I know of that wears trucker hats, has a pickup truck, and has a flag pole with Dixie waving from the back of his cab. Chris? Well, he's a straight up nigga. From the hood, in the hood. He's a great guy, and a good friend. He has a friend named Michael who is also funny, but he is creepy. He is a black man who is very self absorbed. He dresses nice, smells nice, talks like a suburban and has very nice teeth. He's a pretty boy who is 24 years old with the personality traits of a 14 year old girl. He watches anime and draws manga. He wants to be Asian, he can't stand being black. However, he is very awkward to be around. He is unaware of these problems with himself and therefore acts like a douchebag. I don't like him. He seems like a very depressed and angry person, yet doesn't know how to show it so he tries and engages in other activities that may take his mind off of whatever is wrong with him.

He is a creep-ass, but I have already said that.

As we make our way to the church, as expected Chris and Corey and friends are all there. Eddie goes into social mode, I just walk, and Kiri goes and talks to Corey. I wander with Eddie, and apologize for being angry at him. Oh shit, Michal's here. Goddammit. He waltzes over like a retard; but me, Eddie, and Kiri all decide to hide behind a tree and smoke that last bowl. After all, that was our goal for the past half an hour. Michael takes it upon himself to join us.

The night is still cold; the church is the only light we can see. Symbolic and ironic. As we sit there, lighting the herb, Michael talks to Eddie. He likes Kiri, so he thinks of Eddie as competition. He has nothing to worry about, but he's too stupid to realize that. Eddie explains to him that he's bisexual, and Michael instantly become alienated. "So, you like guys?" Yes, I do. I don't have those feelings towards you, but I do find men attractive. "Whoa, man, that's weird." Eddie looks at me with a playful look in his eyes. It's time to fuck with him. So Eddie goes on to explain why he likes men, it looks like Michael is about to puke. It was rather comical. It is rather comical.

Michael takes a hit, acts like he's high then leaves. Good, no more waste of bud. As we finished the bud, I got to thinking. Why am I here? How am I here? This is an awesome coincidence, in coolness and rarity. Things like this do not happen every day. I am so high right now.

After that it gets a tad hazy. Eddie and I walk over towards the church lot where there is a small gathering of people; Kiri goes over to Corey once again. After a few minutes of mingling with Devon and everyone, Eddie and I decide to head home while Kiri stays.

As Eddie and I trailed home, we began talking about Michael and his silliness. He was an interesting character, but I hated him. I just didn't like him, and I had told Eddie that he was very odd and had certain distasteful characteristics. Then it hit me.

I don't like Michael because he is a fake. He is a fraud... like me. I am a fake. I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror and I always wondered why I stared at myself, because I try and make myself something. I am an ass because I don't know who I am. I don't want to lead a University lifestyle because I don't know what I want to be. I don't want to change because I didn't know how to change.

Now I know. My whole world has revolved around me, and yet I didn't understand me. That kind of awesome stupidity amazed me. How could I hate people that I was acting like? How could I hate people who I was?

I am a person who preys on the sympathies of others, yet I hated it when other people did that. I thought of it in 2D, now it's because they are like me. I don't like that about myself. I hate that about myself.

Eddie looks at me. He knew what was going on. He just pushed it forward. The ball was rolling because of his initiation. I just thanked him with my gaze, he understood. Eddie always understands.

I am what I am, and that's what I am going to be.
Thanks to a night of hell and immaturity, I can be all I can be.

   Jane called me on the telephone today, she sounded sad. I invited her over and her stupid nigger brother decided to put her in the place she deserves. She apparently was fucking his girl (Oh boy, Jane sure is wild even for a nigger) and he smacked her around. I calmed her down; we fucked; now she's gone. Again. Typical nigger, good for nothin' but blow jobs and weed. Oh, and for making Jimi Hendrix. He sure can rock the guitar. Crazy nigger, he is. HA! I just saw on TV that same black man,he actually thinks niggers can live with people! This guy's good, what's next,a nigger President?
               My face burns! OW! I can barely see this paper. Why do I right? My hand started bleeding, so I cut it off to numb the pain... didn't work so well. Ow! Fuckin' shit! I'm gonna call Jane.She's taking her time getting here... ugh! Why must she
               I'm in the hospital now, I buried my hand somewhere so they'll never use it for their childish nigger-loving experiments. What is happening to whites? We're more pure than those assholes! After all, our kind ruled the world (rules the world). People need to know their roots. My Daddy's last words, "One or Two, there can never be a one and a half." People too often try and make a HALF! But they can't! Cause daddy has wisdom! He knows how things work! Listen to him, not that nigger on TV! I'm feeling sleepy.
               Today my foot began to hurt, my hand hurt from sharpening my knife so I decided to write this down. I'm going to kill myself today. Too long have I seen this nigger-love on the television,it's too much. I cannot handle it. It isn't fair. Where's the white attention?My curtain will open as soon as my pen falls to the desk, it's law not being broken. The pen listens, I listen, but no one else does.
               I'm gonna call Jane....