WOW! Do I have a busy few weeks coming up. Before summer officially starts I will be playing 10 shows with All The Pretty Horses and my latest endeavor, Recovery.

Tomorrow night I play my first show with Recovery. For all I know it could totally suck and this will be your only chance to see me in Recovery. We go on first so get there early.  We are doing some very original covers as well as some brand new material. It should be a lot of fun.

Then every Thursday in May I will be playing with All The Pretty Horses at 7th Street Entry. Each night we will perform a different Album start to finish.

Check my profile page and calendar for more information...

...and I hope to see you at least once during the next 6 weeks.

Hosted By:
LeFreak

When:
Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Where:
Clubhouse Jager
923 Washington Avenue North
Minneapolis
55401

Description:
Wow! It's just time to celebrate my birthday again. Since it falls on a Wednesday and that means Transmission at Jager I thought I would have everyone gather and party with me there. Hey - no cover and $2.50 PRBs. It's a recession ready birthday party waiting to happen!

Click Here To View Event

So there have been some ups since my last post but there have been some pretty heavy downs too. I've decided that I need to start taking medication again. It really sucks and I'm very disappointed about it but I can't keep going like this. Earlier today I was actually feeling suicidal for the first time in years. I'm feeling better now but it really scared me at the time. Of course now my body is filled with a level of anxiety that I haven't felt in a long time. It hit me a couple hours ago. Anxiety is weird. It just comes out of nowhere. I hate it!

Anyway... Depression sucks! Anxiety Disorders suck! Meds suck although it could be much worse. But most of all, I still need my friends. They are some of the best friends a guy could ever hope for. Thanks for all your kind words and understanding.

I’m not typically one to air my personal life in such a public forum. I’m not someone who is comfortable sharing my problems or asking others for help. However, at this point I’m feeling like I need to. I feel like it’s the best thing I can do to help myself and it may be helpful to other people out there as well...

In 1995 I was diagnosed with major depression. Certainly it was something that I had struggled with for many years. At times it may not have been a big deal but at other times it was completely debilitating. At the time I was diagnosed I would vacillate between not being able to do anything and doing everything in my power to distract myself from the pain. My life was ruled by depression.

I was prescribed anti-depressants medication and even though the meds did not make everything better they did gave me enough breathing room so that I could try to make things better for myself. I learned to differentiate between emotional depression and chemical depression. I learned how to cope with each. I learned that if I hung in there, things would get better. I developed a lot of skills to help myself through some pretty trying time. I learned about the importance and the power of friendship.

I had a very difficult winter/spring last year. I had falling out’s with the two most significant people in my life outside of my kids. I also learned that I would have to give up my loft, my home, and move back into the house I was trying to sell. Somehow I made it though. Well not somehow... I made it through because of my friends. I made it though because I have learned how to weather adversity. At this point in my life I was feeling like I could handle anything.

So last June I decided to go off all my medication. I’ve got to tell you... I had what was probably the best summer of my entire life last summer. Yes, the weather was fantastic. I spend every day on my bike. I kept moving and I had the time of my life. It was the freest and most liberated I’ve felt in years and years. There is no better cure for depression than two wheels and a road. Unfortunately, in Minnesota at least, all good things must come to an end. For me I think Summer ended on November 8th, 2008.

I have been really struggling since then. I don’t even think I’ve been aware of how hard it has been. I’ve been trying so hard to keep things under control. I feel like I have been acting in ways that are quite out of character for me. I am not okay. But I don’t want to go back on meds. Not that I have anything against meds. I figure that they have probably saved my life. But I’m not feeling suicidal now. I’m just not feeling like myself. I’ve just been filled with sadness and despair. I’ve been breaking down in tears pretty much every day. I know it’s driving my roommate nuts. I don’t like feeling this way. I would much rather be they guy people think is “all fun, all the time”. I would much rather be the guy who is always helping everyone else. Sometimes I just can’t pull if off. Sometimes I just hurt sooo much. Sometimes I need help.

I feel like the best thing I can do for myself is to come clean to the world and let you know that I am hurting. I don’t think I need meds but I think that I need to be honest with the fact that I have depression and at this moment it is kicking my ass. That is really hard for me to say but it is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s the truth and the truth should not be feared.

I am writing about this because I have to. Because it’s real. Because I can’t hide it. I can’t make it go away. I need to own it. I need to accept it’s reality and expose it for what it is. An illness, a condition, a dysfunction, a nemesis that I can’t fight on my own. And I need to write this down because I need to remember. I know that one day soon I will feel much better and I need to remember that at one time I felt miserable. I need to know this so that the next time I feel miserable I can look back and know that it will get better.

I don’t want to go back on meds so I need to write about this. I need your help. I don’t have money. I don’t have power. What I have are friends - more powerful than all the money in the world. I need you to call me. I need you to send me a message. I need you to post a comment. Let me know you love me. Let me know you care. Let me know you understand.

But even more than that...

 I need you to spread that love to the world. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Forgive someone who has wronged you. Next time you are stressed out or upset try making yourself feel better by helping someone else. Do something good. I got an email today. It was a joke. I’m sure it was sent to make me feel better... it made me cry. The premise was about how to make yourself feel better by being mean to mean people. I don’t want to live in that kind of world. There is too much suffering as it is. I would rather people be nice to mean people. Feed the love... not the hate.    

It is tax deductable!  

I'll be playing three shows with All The Pretty Horses this weekends. The first show is Friday at the Uptown Pride Block Party on Bryant Ave. at Lake street. This was one of the highlights for me last year and I'm really looking forward to playing it again. Also returning from last year are two of my favorite local talents, Tina Schlieske and Black Blondie. We go on around 6:30pm so don't be late.

Then on Saturday and Sunday night we are playing for Nick and Eddie across from Loring Park. The stage will be set up IN THE ALLEY behind Bar Lurcat. We go on at dusk. Not exactly sure what that means but it probably means around 9pm.

All these events are free and sure to be full of surprises. For sure you don't want to miss the introduction of the newest member to the stable, drummer extraordinaire from Milwaukee, Kick-Drum!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbQL4_SIvHs

Performed at First Ave. on May 16, 2008 for Rebel Rebel: Rock For Pussy V - a benefit for Minnesota Valley Humane Society.

Hey Kiddos... I'm having to move from my loft in St. Paul back into my house in Minneapolis... housing market sucks in case you hadn't heard so I'm decided to keep the house until things turn around.

So I could really use some help I you're available. I'll be packing and moving Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday from late morning on. Let me know if you've got some time. Call or text me if you have my number or send email to lefreak@prettyhorses.net - it goes to my phone too.

Thanks much...

Love ya, J
   

Yes, here I am. Another year older. But don't sleep so tight cause I'm dragging all of you with me.

So today is looking like a pretty normal busy ass Monday so far. The only kindof birthday plans I have are to go to Hard Mondays at The Saloon after rehearsal tonight. Hopefully some of you will be out there to wish me a happy birthday. I think if someone buys me a drink it just may wind up being a perfect day.

I certainly hope that yours is.

I just got back from the SPNN studios downtown St. Paul were I was a guest on the cable access show BiCities. It's a talk show by, for and about the bisexual community in the twin cities and the longest running show about bisexuality in the world. This was the first show to be filmed in St. Paul. For five and a half years it was filmed at the MTN studios in Minneapolis. As a born and bred St. Paulite I was very pleased that they asked me to be their guest for this inagural show. We talked about a lot of things but to be completely honest, it's all a blur to me right now. If you want to check it out it will be airing the first and third weeks in February 2008.

In Minneapolis on cable channel 17: Tues Feb. 5th & 19th @ 7:30pm
In St. Paul on cable channel 15: Wed. Feb 6th & 20th @ 10:30pm