I want to be confident and sucessful.
I want to have goals and achieve them.
I want to have friends that love cherish and need me.
I want to have friends that I love cherish and need.
I want to have a happy healthy relationship with ALL of my cousins.
I want to make friends with more of my family members. (Some family though should stay just family I think.)
I want to have more connections.
I want to improve upon myself as much as I can.
I want to learn.
I want to create.
I want to be more creative and artistic.
I want to help those I love as much as possible.
I want to love as many people as I can.
I want to touch people emotionally.
I want to impact peoples lives.
I want to be the best mother I can.
I want to be the mom my daughter can talk to about anything.
I want to be the best lover I can be.
I want to be the best wife and life partner I can be.
I want to be the best home maker I can be.
I want to be loved, the way I love, wanted the way I want and needed the way I need.
I want to see the bright side of everything. The silver lining to every cloud.
I want to be able to see the positive instead of the negative all the time.
I want to be seen as the person I am rather then the person people think I am.

I don't want to be seen as manipulative, just because I'm a bit of a control freak due to fear of a lack of security.
I don't want my kindness taken for weakness.
I don't want to be taken advantage of.
I don't want to be told how I feel.
I don't want to be told how to feel.
I don't want to settle for "content" for the rest of my life.
I don't want to flounder in all this anxiety and pain built up inside me.
I don't want to lose this battle with myself.
I don't want to fight forever.
I don't want to feel weak and hopeless anymore.
I don't want to be stressed and confused.
I don't want any more secrets.
I don't want to be the instigator.
I don't want to be a victim.
I don't want to continue to go unheard.
I don't want to be ignored.

What do you consider some perks of being your gender?
-Being "in touch" with my emotions makes me slightly more empathetic and understanding then most men.
-The power of the vag. Vag runs the world, if you know how to use it right.(I don't.)
-Titties. They're the best thing on earth. Hands down.
-No morning pup-tents or nocternal emissions. Gross.

Would you ever get a tattoo with someone's name on it?
-I would not. I don't believe in -name- tattoos, for me. Or even initials. I believe in symbols or even dates are acceptible. Like, in honor of my daughter and first childs birth I am getting a dream catcher featuring her birth stone, signs color and such for the beads or feathers and a banner with her birthdate below.

What occupation do you find sexy?
-I must admit that for the most part I agree with my boo. Although I am not attracted to cops. I am terrified of law-enforcment and always have been (yes, even when I was suburban and really really super duper white. Now that I smoke green it's only worse.) But I love me some construction workers. Yum yum gimme sum.

Would you ever get your nipples pierced?
-My boyfriend thinks nipple piercings are creepy so probably not. Altohugh I considered getting both done at some point cus I personally think they're kinda sexy.

What is your LEAST favorite type of alcohol?
-BEER and vsop. That shits nasty. I LIKE Gin and wine a whole hell of a lot.

Did you ever have tea parties when you were younger?
-I did. I had a plastic tea set and a porceline one. I had lots of tea parties with my grandma. I've even had one or two REAL tea parties with little girls in pretty dresses, real tea and finger sammiches. I've also hosted dinner parties for christmas AND halloween like a little adult.

Have you ever shaved someone before?
-Only myself. I'd be too scared to cut someone else.

Do you know anyone personally who is terminally ill?
-My father....

What is your favorite line from a movie/song?
-"Can YOU belive -THIS- shit?!!" Zach and miri make a porno. Best movie ever I swearz.

Would you rather be the opposite sex?
-Sometimes I feel like I would. Girls would hate me though.

Do you like spending time with your parents?
-I do. I love my mom she's my best friend. I like to go shopping with her, out to eat, I like to cook with her and she makes holidays special to me. My dad is my other best friend and favorite smoking buddy. I like to watch the soaps and play cribbage with him.

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl?
-Depends on the situation. Even if it's someone I love and the man has hit them before but the woman keeps going back to the situation knowing she will be hit again I must assume it's some kind of fucked up forplay and leave it at that. However initially if I see it I'd probably fucking attack him. I don't think it's cool for men to hit women but I also don't think it's cool for a woman to hit a man like she is one and not expect to get knocked the fuck out.

Have you ever gambled?
-yeah at the casino a little.

What would you NEVER name one of your children?
-There are a lot of names I don't like for various reasons. I don't like really ghetto names. I don't like super common names either (Like Jessica or ashley)

What is the coolest restaurant you've ever been to?
-The -coolest-. Machu pichu or the rainforest cafe. They were awesome. Rainforests' food sucks though. Machu pichus was pretty good though.

Do you have any analog clocks in your house?
-A couple.

What do you do with clothes you've outgrown or don't want anymore?
-Give them away to someone or throw them out depnding on their condition.

Where do you go when you want to get a REALLY good sub sandwich?
-Subway even though they're NOT -really- good. They're sub-par and generic. But they're cheap and way better then mcdonalds.

What is the lowest grade you ever received on a report card?
-D

Do you use tobacco products?
-Yes I smoke swishers all the time xD I used to smoke black and milds. But now when I want a cigarette sometimes I smoke a marb light. I really enjoyed the camel mellows that the boyfriend had a few weeks ago.

What magazine do you read or look through most often?
-People, and parents.

Do you support local music/artists?
-I'm all for local arts and whatever. But I'm a broke bitch and aint been to a show in a long time. I've also grown tired of all the promotions on my buliten bord so I don't add many artists anymore.

What style of house would you like to live in?
-A large victorian, with a wrap arround porch (who DOESNT love those maddy? :p) near a lake or with a vast yard with a man made pond and gorgeous garden. At LEAST four bedrooms and two bathrooms. Or maybe one on each floor would be good for me.

Would you ever go a week without showering?
Not intentionally.

If your nails are painted, what color are they?
-My toes are a dark purpley red blood like color. My nails have chips of said color on them.

When you see a movie based on a book, do you go and read the book?
-Only if I really like the movie. If the movie was crap I don't often give the book a chance. However I often see the movies of the books I read first just to see the difference. (Exception: Twilight. Read ALL the books. WILL NOT see the movies. Well the first one at least. I might have to watch the one with all the hot native boys in it. Mmmmmmmm natives.)

Do you put posters on your bedroom walls?
-No Not anymore. I move too much and everything is too temporary to bother.

Do you use iTunes or do you use another music player?
-I stream 1.fm sometimes other the that I havfen't used my computer for music in years.

Do you flip the channel when commercials come on?
-No, I hate when it makes me miss somethig in my show.

Are there any really gross dishes in your bedroom?
-nope.

Would you ever date someone with a different skin color than you?
-haha. Have ya'll seen my kid? People think she's white or asian but never mine. I would of course date someone with a different skin color then me. I've never met anyone with my exact color. My muttly ass would be lonely as fuck.

What would you do if your parents caught you drinking?
-It's not getting caught if your allowed. And I'm grown.

Have you seen any of the Saw movies?
-Yup, all but the last. The comercials didn't convice me it was worth seeing

Do you watch any cartoons?
-I love cartoons. I watch wow wow wubzie, sponge bob, my life as a teenage robot, and I love older cartoons. (Ahh!Real monsters, rug rats, invader zim.)

What was your favorite book as a kid?
-The ivy cottage

Have you ever lost a house or car key that you never found?
-I used to lose my house keys bi-weekly. Now that I have a car and the keys that go with it I lose them much less.

If you had lose one of your body parts what would it be?
-Uhm. A toe, in the middle. I'm too fond of my body parts.

Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
Yeah the boyfriend kissed me goodbye before he left.

Do you get high a lot?
Yes cus everything sucks otherwise.

Do you wish that you were somewhere else right now?
Somewhere with my boyfriend and daughter.

Have you kissed anyone on your top friends?
Uhhm. Yus.

Could you go a month without cursing?
Nope. My mouth is dirty like a sailors.

What school did you go to in 8th grade?
Chiron.


Do you dislike anyone right now?
yes

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
nope

What are you listening to?
the tv

Do you have any summer plans yet?
No. But I know if the boyfriend doesn't take us camping and I don't get to spend a lot of time in the sun I'll be an angry kitty.

How are you currently feeling?
Annoyed. More things have gone missing at my dads house mysteriously. Swear this shit didn't always happen.

How tall is your number 1?
i dont know exactly but she's shorter then my five five.

What do you like better: hot chocolate or apple cider?
Apple cider. With cinnamon and carmel.

Are you currently reading a book?
The last of the twilight series called breaking dawn. And the hanibal lecter series.

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
Sure do

Is this the best year of your life?
Yeah no it's not. Well maybe it will be better then last.

Whats on your mind?
alot. Theives, money, moving, my daughter, the coughing that keeps me up at night.

Is anything annoying you right now?
Things going missing at my dads house. Not having money.

Does anybody hate you?
Someone usually hates me for some reason or another.

Has any one said they love you today?
My mom and Jeremy did.

What color are your eyes?
Light brown.

Where do you think your number 1 is right now?
At home with my niece.

Do you straighten your hair?
Yeah I do or it's this curly unruly mess.

Small or large purses?
medium

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Depends on what I'm doing that day. I can get ready in under five minutes if I have to.

Do you like to wear dresses?
Yes. I love to feel beautiful.

Do you think you have the best friends ever?
Hell I ain't really got friends. I got internet friends. And I gotta man. And I got lots of family that are acting friends. But it's not really the same thing.

but then it is four sixteen in the morning.

Either way I've never had such a stomach ache from an orange before. Ever.

I'm not feeling like throwing up really. well kind of. It's more of a pained knotting feeling.

I haven't slept yet so I will go lay down and try. I hope the baby sleeps till it's daddy's time to get up. >.< Not likely though

And I hate almost everything. Especially myself.

I'm going to make stir-fry and go see my dad. he often makes me feel better just being around their house.

This may make little to no seance. As it will likely end up rushed our gotten back to later as my daughters making grunty noises and getting all red faced. Yes folks it's time for a poop. woohoo.

I distance myself from people I care about when I feel taken advantage of, sometimes when I feel unwanted or when I feel like my opinions are too negative to be contained. Which is often the case lately especially being an emotionally driven pessimist.

Sometimes people notice and think they did something wrong when really I'm just trying to find myself. Which was the case often with Jamie. And then there was the whole gaining relationships back and not having time for anything. Which sucked and hurt my feelings but being a new mommy I totally understand now. But then was really hurt.
Some times no one notices really or they make assumptions. Which is rude but at the same time makes it a lot easier to deal with my negativity. I can at least keep it to my self that way and avoid the confrontation or hurting someones feelings.

Anyways onto dreams. Sometimes when I distance myself I make it harder for myself. My mind clearly no longer likes when I bottle things up and keep negativity to myself. I guess it likes it when I'm open upfront and honest with people. But I often feel brash or mean for my opinions. And I -hate- hurting peoples feelings. Especially when I love them. When I bottle though I dream. A lot and vividly. And lately I've been dreaming about people I know, situations that seem so real. Which never used to be the case. The people involved in my life were always faceless people. I could NEVER see their faces unless it was a message or something. Warning I guess. Lately I don't remember my dreams much. But when I do they're far between and about the same person I'm having personal conflicting feelings about. I have attempted to do something about it and I've made my feelings known. But I don't know what else my mind wants me to do.
I just want to move into my own place and decorate for the baby. And do art for myself.

I sometimes judge people, even though I try real real hard not to be judgmental. But I don't know how to help having an opinion. But I never like to hurt people.

Anyways....yeah. I lost my thoughts so off I go to look at prettier things then are in my head.

http://www.politube.org/show/1122







When we're FOUNDED on bullshit like this... We're jerks.

Not hate as in I don't believe in it, or celebrating it.
But in that jealous bitter sort of way.

I am almost always alone or my feelings are hurt because I've been over looked by whoever I should be important to that day.
Being alone is almost better then having someone, because when I'm alone I -expect- NOTHING at all. Where as when I have someone I expect atleast some time and attention of some sort.
I'm not the sort of girl who need flowers and jewelry and a date and all that expensive shit.
But come hang out with me at least. Acknowledge that it's fucking v-day and be WITH me at the time and I will usually be happy. Unless I know your only chillin with me because you are too cheap to do anything else.
I've gotten flowers twice from absent SO's but no call from either one all day. And other then those I've gotten cards and bad small visits. Or nothing at all. Except for the one year with Sprout and I think Jeremy and I MIGHT have done something the first v-day. But I know last year, everything was neglected from christmas till now. So I don't know why I would think anything would change. Although he made up for christmas by getting me a few things after we opened presents.
So... I know he has some money this year and my mom said she'd babysit. I guess we're going to a movie and dinner... Even though that's so not what I'd asked for I can't look a gift horse in the mouth I guess. But...we go out to dinner a lot. And I honestly don't care much for going to the movies. I imagine there will be a lot of people there anyways. It's valentines day. It just sounds like a very..teenage date. And doing anything to come home to my messy house and my messy room to stay up all night, not having sweet valentines sex but instead tending my crabby non-sleeping baby all night while Jeremy snores in my ear even though it's the weekend n' he doesn't have to work and by then I probably won't have slept at night all week. Instead of just the last three days.

Yeah...valentines day sounds like a disaster already. :( I wish I could just pretend it's another day. But I can't not be reminded that it's supposed to be a special day.

Special days in this relationship have mostly been disapointments. So it won't be a suprise at least. I hate those more.

That I'm so tired that I feel sick.
Because you have to work in the morning.
Even though, even DRUNK when you don't work the next day I end up looking after OUR child all goddamn night.
Even though I'm the only one in this relationship that sleeps ONCE a week, and has to feel bad about it because it's essentially passing out on you.
I'm depressed and frustrated and YOU DONT FUCKING HELP...
Maybe if I saw something other then food from it, it'd be different. But all the time away sucks bad enough on it's own without it seeming like getting nowhere. And getting so little help or any fucking sleep.
and here I am again wasting my time writing blogs few will give a SHIT about, and no one that can do anything about it. But really it's a waste of fucking time because this is all shit I've told you already. Shit I've tearfully written by hand to you. Same old same old.
Why am I even suprised that you change nothing and offer no assistance? Why do I always date men who will not take action where it fucking counts until it's too late? Why do they always have to slack SO BAD at small things that are so important?