Seven months since I've written some form of a blog on myspace. I graduated high school, but I don't feel any different-- am I supposed to? Really, what does it mean? Allow a bit of a my Peter Pan Syndrome to show through, but I don't really want to grow up. Rather, I want to grow up, but I don't want any of the responsibility involved. Yeah, I know that I'm pretty irresponsible to begin with, but really... I've been told that I was a pretty mature kid. I guess it's about time that my years exceeded my maturity, at least by a little.

I won't get anywhere just by whining about how I don't want to grow up or about how I don't want to play in BigKidLand. Even so, this is one of those situations where you have to "man up," I guess.

Uuuh... needy introspection aside, I'm really sleepy.

1. Is there something you need to tell someone but you just can't?
Not need. But it would probably save me a lot of trouble if I just didn't clam up when it came to talking to her.

2. Name one annoying thing?
Gnats. All over my room. On my lights, my bed... everywhere.

3. Are you usually the heart breaker or the heart broken?
I've been both, with different intensity.

4. What is your name?
Sam.

5. Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
So sleep, child, no one can touch you now, no one can hurt you now, not here, anymore.

6. How is life going for you right now?
Pretty damn spiffily.

7. Do you miss your ex girlfriend/boyfriend?
Not at all!

8. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Not need, and it's not really a secret.

9. What is the last text you received:
"Sorry, I just got home"

10. Name a song that tells how you feel?
"Nikopol."

11. What was the reason you last cried?
Hmm... self-loathing?

12. What was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
"YEAH?!"

13. Is there a meaning behind your profile song?
If you squint hard enough that your eyes bleed.

14. Do you have a best friend?
I have three.

15. What was the reason you cheated on your ex or why your ex cheated on you?
Revenge.

16. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
No... I don't really hate people.

17. What do you think of people who don't have sex before marriage?
Traditional.

18. Do you own a pair of green pants?
No.

19. Are you more independent or dependent?
I've been told I'm more independent.

20. Have you ever been to a member of the opposite sex's house?
OH MY GOD NO I'M ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD.

21. Do you believe that what comes around goes around?
Yes.

22. What is your favorite fruit?
Strawberries.

25. What is the most fun thing in any relationship?
Having someone to talk to about anything and everything, and having someone to cuddle with and write poetry for. >:

26. What's the last song to make you cry?
"Boats and Birds" - Gregory and the Hawk.

27. Does anyone love you?
I'm sure someone does.

28. Do you love someone?
I love so many people.

29. Is your best friend pretty?
Of course they are.

30. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Once or twice.

31. Do you trust people easily?
Not especially. Anymore, anyway.

32. Whats the one thing that always gets you through the day?
My friends and eight specific voicemails.

33. Who do you miss?
Heh, he knows who he is.

34. Do you give out second chances too easily?
Yeah. I know I do.

35. Where was your last car ride to and from?
A country club to back home.

36. Where is one place you want to visit?
Italy or London.

38. Do you like hugs or do you freak when people hug you?
I'm not really a big fan of hugs.

39. Ever felt that no one relates to you?
I used to.

40. Had plans and broke them?
Yeah, unfortunately.

42. Who don't you like?
It takes a lot to get me to not like someone.

44. Are you a tease?
I've been told I am.

45. Who are you jealous of?
No one, really.

46. Are you a lover or hater?
Lover.

49. What can always make you laugh?
My friends.

50. Where do you see yourself in 4 years?
At 21? Happy, possibly.

----------------
Now playing: RURUTIA - Time Traveler
via FoxyTunes

1) Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Don't think I'm interesting enough. I usually just keep to myself.

2.) Do you own an ipod?
Mmhm!

3.) Who on your Myspace "Top 8" do you talk to the most?
Oh, that one's easy. They know who they are.

4.) What time is your alarm clock set for?
4:45 AM.

5.) If there was a fire, what would be the first thing you would grab?
My laptop, probably.

6.) Flip flops or sneakers?
Sneakers.

7.) Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
As a little girl, it was Ariel. But now, hn. Probably Mulan. Though she isn't really a princess.

8.) What was the last movie you watched?
Enchanted.

10.) Has anyone ever called you lazy?
It's funny that you ask.

11.) Have you ever tried sticking your fingers together?
Whenever I got glue on them, yeah.

12.) What CD is currently in your CD player?
No idea.

13.) Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
I hate milk. But chocolate milk is the lesser of two evils.

14.) Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Not really.

16.) Who was the last person to call you?
Megatronhitler.

17.) When was the last time you cried?
Earlier this week.

19.) How many siblings do you have?
Two.

20.) Last time you got someone flowers?
I've never gotten anyone flowers.

21.) What movie do you know every line to?
None.

22.) Do you own any band tshirts?
A few.

23) What's the longest book you've read?
Not sure.

24.) Are you mad at anyone?
Nope.

25.) Do you make people cry?
Not on a regular basis, but I have before.

26.) Have you ever thrown up in public?
No.

27) Do you own a desktop computer or laptop?
Both. But I use my laptop most.

28.) Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
I'm kinda half and half with this one.

29.) What is the weather like?
Chillyish.

30.) Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Sure? I don't usually date someone for their looks.

31.) Is sex before marriage wrong?
Not wrong. Realistic.

32.) When was the last time you slept on the floor?
A few days ago. I really don't mind sleeping on the floor.

33.) How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I've functioned on thirty minutes before.

35.) Are your days full and fastpaced?
Nowadays, yeah.

... what happened here?

46) Do u watch t.v?
Sparingly.

47) Which celebrity dead or alive would you want to have lunch with?
One that can make killer sandwiches.

49) What one thing do you wish you had right now?
Mmn.


TEN FACTS :

01. Name?
Sam.

02. Natural hair color?
Brown.

03. Initials?
SEJ.

04. Hair style?
Usually down.

05. Eye color?
Brown.

06. Height:
5'3 1/2

07. Pets:
All dead.

08. Mood?
Irritated.

09. Where would you rather be?
...Mmn.

10. What was the last thing you drank?
Water.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:

01. Have you ever been in love:
?

02. Do you believe in love?
Now, yeah.

03. Why did your LAST relationship fail?
He was immature and wanted me to act as the man of the relationship. That faggot.

04. Have you ever been heartbroken:
Haha, funny you ask.

05. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I've been told so.

06. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
Hahaha, which one?

07. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Yeah.

08. Are you afraid of commitment?
Not really.

10. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life?
Not serious.

4 EMOTIONS

01. Are you missing someone right now?
Yes.

02. Are you happy?
Yes.

03. Are you eating anything?
No.

04. Do you like someone right now?
Mmhm.


----------------
Now playing: Reel Big Fish - Brown Eyed Girl (ska)
via FoxyTunes

So I have the worst headache in the world right now. Some people are probably gonna ask, "so why are you online?"

I'm not sure, really. I think I'm gonna fall like a fly soon. I need to babysit in the morning. I didn't notice just how little I ate today. I'm really hungry right now, but eating at this point in time wouldn't be very wise. Losing weight is harder than I initially thought, enthusiasm be damned. I'd rather sit at home and play Tales of Symphonia than go outside and run or do something productive like that.

There isn't any earth-shattering event that will keep me blogging for days on end, but I felt that it was high time that I checked in on myspace and said something, since I got some free tickets to Ima Robot, regardless of whether I will be attending the event or not. I'd like to go, but I won't die if I can't... I'm sort of a homebody. I'd rather stay at home, curled up with a book/my laptop/the phone. Though it would be a good way to see my friends, eh... The only real song I like is "Dynamite," and even then, I don't like it -that- much.

What else what else what else? I could rant about my strange affinity to redheaded, hotblooded men in video games... take Zelos Wilder, for example. I haven't even recruited him yet but I know that I'll like him just by looking at him and his character description. Do I have a secret ambition to be a womanizer? A gigolo? A pickup artist?

I might as well be married; I'm not even remotely -allowed- to have feelings like these. My husbife would have my hide.

In other news, I'm feeling rather loved by my family and friends, though I don't do anything to really merit it. I'm luckier than I can ever imagine when it comes to luck and love, and my life isn't the ball of loveless negativity that I was ranting about several blog entries ago. I have both arms and legs, I can type/write worth a lick, my guardians are nice, well-adjusted people, my sisters are... bearable, my grandparents love me well enough, my friends are awesome in any and all ways, Megatronhitler continues to be an excellent source of love, humor, support, and vitamin C, and I'm not afflicted with some crazy incurable illness... so life couldn't get much better, I don't think.

On an unrelated note, if you haven't noticed, I think I'd be a Decepticon rather than an Autobot. I thought long and hard about it, and that process can be best summed up by this image:



----------------
Now playing: Anberlin - Hello Alone
via FoxyTunes

i like how i can't stand up for myself sometimes. and i like how useless i am.

I never learned how to do those little accent thingies on my laptop and truth be told, I'm not too interested in broadening my horizons in that sense for a little while.

I haven't listened to Armor For Sleep since like, freshman year. Seriously, what the hell? I think I know why. This song brings back memories, and not all of them good.

Brand New was last night. I really wanted to go. ._.

----------------
Now playing: Armor For Sleep - Car Underwater (Rough Mix)
via FoxyTunes

Well Myspace, it's been far too long since I've posted a blog. I figure that, since i am about to trek to the bathroom and take a loooong, luxurious bath, I should wax poetic at you for a while. but the question, as it usually is, is wax poetic about what?

I don't have many things to say in terms of my life, as things haven't changed in the least. The only new real development in terms of my relationships with people would probably have to be my newfound rage and dislike towards my biological father. The very thought of James leaves me embittered, and I can practically feel the bile rise in my throat every time I look in the mirror and see vestiges of him in my own features.

Curse you, James. Curse you for making me look like you and not even taking responsibility for the life you created. Though you may have many things going on in your life... if they're so all-encompassing that you can't even return your own flesh's phone calls, or even pick them up, then... I guess your priorities are apparent.

Someone very dear to me heard the extent of this rant, but I don't feel that I'm done yet. Not in the least. I want to see James once before I go off to college. I want to see him and say, "I'm leaving now." I want to see him and I want it to be like a slap to the face. I'm no longer forgiving him for his irresponsibility.

"He's doing the best he can." I don't know how many times I've recycled that line to my mother. I don't know how many times I have tried to convince myself that yes, James is doing the best that he can, and that he will continue to do so in the future. This man is my father, and so he should thus teach me that he really does care and that he is willing to act the part of paternal figure. This is the man that should have taught me that it was alright to make mistakes, and that anyone deserves to be forgiven so long as they do their best to make amends in the end. I didn't learn this, or any other sort of life-impacting lesson from him. The only true things that James taught me is that talk is cheap and that in the end, there's a chance that anyone, no matter who they are, is going to leave and never come back simply because they are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions.

O, father, absolve me of my transgressions. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. Get bent, paternal figure; go play in traffic.

Call me immature, call me spiteful. Todd is the best father that I could ever ask for. If given the choice, I would not change the way things are as of right now. But this does not keep me from feeling an intense rage at the thought of the man known as my biological father. I've been kicked to the curb for far too long. I'm not going to be kept hanging by this rope as I wait for him to get his act together.

I've already cut you out of my life for the moment, James. Grow up, because the world is not kind to children in men's clothing.

I figure that I've done nothing else for this blog thing than post up mundane surveys that no one is going to read, anyway. So, I felt that it was in dire need of one of those wonderful things that are called "WALL O' TEXT" in some circles of the internet. So, watch in stunned silence as I do this "WALL O' TEXT" thing.

Summer's officially began, and somehow, I feel as if there are more things for me to do in terms of school. This is accurate, I guess, seeing as how I'm going to be retaking the SATs and mailing out college applications... but... I guess this is going to sound a little whiny to the adults who happen to stumble upon the blog of this seventeen-year-old girl, but... I never knew that things would get so crazy after sophomore year. I'm on my way to adulthood, and truth be told, I kind of want time to stop. Unlike most kids, I didn't really feel compelled to get older than I already was... granted, there were some times when I was locked out of my own room by the older kids when I was six or seven that I wished I was older, but aside from that, I was perfectly content with the age I was at, thank you very much. I feel like... the best years of my life are over.

That's pathetic, I know. The upcoming years are what I make them, and I have every intention of making them awesome. Still, though, I can't help but think that I'll fail at making them nifty, and I'll spend the rest of my life pining for the glory days of my youth.

That's a depressing thought. I only recently acknowledged the fact that I have a tendency to scramble and look for things that are wrong with my situation, even when things are going perfectly well. I don't know why this is so.

This blogging stuff seems to come so easily to my mom. I'm mildly jealous. I find that I can only type contemplative things, not the happy, nifty conversational content that my mom can provide. It's mildly infuriating, but I guess that I'm just too... I don't know, sullen to do any of that stuff. Haha. We're on episode ten of Blue's Clues. On three hours of sleep, seeing a bright blue dog and a man in a vibrantly green-striped shirt is quite the trip. I think I might have a seizure from the Felt Friends in their picture frame.

I wonder who came up with the concept for Blue's Clues, anyway. It must take some sort of imagination to think up something like that. I mean, it's a dog and some dude living in a house filled with talking inanimate objects. The dog gets her paw prints everywhere, but the dude doesn't seem to mind... It's almost like one giant acid trip, if you think about it. On top of that, how do salt and pepper beget paprika? That makes no sense at all.

Or maybe I'm just over-analyzing a children's show that didn't have too much thought put into its premise. Or maybe this is some elaborate pyramid scheme to get the children of the world to talk to their salt shakers and shovels.

I think the most sensible reason for my odder-than-usual behavior is the fact that I lack sleep. Uhn.

If I were to produce a children's show, I think it would involve a walrus. A walrus named Wilhelm von Bistrich. His nickname would be Ptolemy, and he would do math problems for fun. He'd live in a gigantic mansion and look at the sky every night through a telescope perched on the balcony outside his window. He'd have a penguin and narwhal for friends, named Shirley and Cornelius, respectively.

Oh, god. The planet Neptune has a lisp in Blue's Clues. What is that supposed to mean?

I think that that's all I got. I might come back later.

SAD SECTION

1. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
I guess you could say that.

2. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
*Sigh.*

3. Have you ever cried on your friends shoulder?
More like in the crook of a friend's neck.

4. Do you cry when you get an injury?
I never have thus far.


HAPPY SECTION

1. Are you happy person?
I like to think I am.

2. What can always make you happy?
The people I love. Violent thunderstorms. Video games.

3. Do you wish you were happier?
No. I'm happy where I am.

4. Is being happy overrated?
I don't really think so.

5. Can music make you happy?
I find that it can.

---------------------------------------

1. How many times have you had your heart broken?
Don't know. Don't keep count.

2. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
A few people.

3. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
I do every day.

RELATIONSHIP SECTION

1. Are you in a relationship?
Yeah, actually.

2. Are you happy with it?
Extremely so.

3. Been cheated on?
Yes.

4. Like somebody?
I like a lot of people.

HATE SECTION

1. Who do you actually hate?
I don't hate anyone, really.

2. Have you ever made a hit list?
No. That's sorta silly.

3. Are you a mean bully?
Nah. I'd suck at that. I'd apologize ten minutes later.

4. Do you like George Bush?
As a person, I can't say, since I don't know him. As a leader, he leaves much to be desired.

5. Have you ever been on a hit list?
I wouldn't be surprised if I have.

SELF ESTEEM SECTION

1. Are you good looking?
I don't think so.

2. Do you want to be someone else?
No. I'm content being who I am.

Have your ever:

[x] ridden in a taxi
[x] jumped a ramp on a bike
[x] been used
[ ] been fired
[x] fired a real gun
[ ] been arrested
[ ] celebrated New Year's in Disney World or New York
[ ] AKA the Human beat box
[ ] gone on a blind date
[ ]had a crush on a teacher
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in New Orleans
[ ] been to Europe
[ ] been to Australia
[x] been to Hawaii
[x] skipped school
[ ] thrown up from drinking
[ ] played Cluedo
[x] had a sleepover
[x] gone ice skating
[ ] had your tonsils out
[x] have/had a toy TRUCK
[x] driven a car
[ ] totaled a car

CURRENTLY WEARING

Clothes?
Yes, sorry to disappoint.

Shorts?
Yup.

Underwear?
Of course.

Necklace?
Not at the moment.

HAVE YOU EVER

1. Hugged someone?
Stupidest question in the world.

2. Been on the phone until the sun came up?
Yes.

3. Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?
Yes.

LASTS

1.last person you talked to in person?
Emily.

2. Person you talked to online?
Chelsee/Verge.

3. Person you talked to on the phone?
Chloe.

4. Person you talked to on text?
I don't text.

5. Person who made you laugh?
Chelsee/Verge.

How?
Humoring me.

6. Person you messaged on myspace?
Auntie Claire.

7. Last time you took a shower?
Last night.

OTHER

1. What kind of shampoo do u use?
Whatever's in the shower at the time.

2. Do you get along with your parents?
Pretty well, usually.

3. Do you have mental breakdowns?
Nah. I'm pretty calm for the most part.

CURRENT

1. current mood: Groggy.

2. current hair: A damn mess.

3. Current thing I ought to be doing?: Sleeping.

4. Current Windows open?: My IM with Chelsee. This window. iTunes.

5. Current Desktop picture?: Ruki from The GazettE.

6. Current Song Playing?: "Endless Sacrifice" - Dream Theater.

WRITE EXACTLY WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND DON'T CHANGE IT

1. Your 'ex' and You = Not speaking at all.
2. I am listening to = Dream Theater. o_o
3. Maybe I should = Read Emily a book.
4. I love = Namtab. <3
5. My best friend = Chelsee, Milly, Hanako, and Namtab. Yaaaay.
6. I dont get = Why I'm so damn hungry all the time.
7. I have lost my respect for = Myself, for sitting through eight episodes of Blue's Clues without complaint today.
8. I last ate = A slice of super spicy pizza.
9. The meaning of my display name is = I'll leave that to your imagination.
10. God = You rang?
11. Someday = Maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter; and I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I drank all my money could get and took everything that you had and I, I never loved you back. (You're awesome if you know what song this is from.)
12. I will always be = A gay walrus/unicorn.
13. Love seems to = Catch me unawares. SonofaWHORE.
14. I never ever want to lose = Those important to me.
15. My myspace is = Promoting the hitchhiking of large reptiles.
17. I get annoyed when = There's no use for me.
20. Simple Kisses = Are simple.
21. Today I = Watched 8+ episodes of Blue's Clues after three hours of sleep. I'm a bit wonky right now.
22. I wish = I were an Oscar Meyer weiner. Wiener? I think it's wiener.

01. is your hair wet?: Nah.
02. is your cell phone right by you?: Nope.
03. do you miss someone?: Yes. ._.
04. are you wearing chap stick?: No.
05. are you tired?: Extremely.
06. are you wearing pyjamas?: No.
08. are you mad?: No.
09. are you disappointed?: No.

HAVE YOU

01. recently done anything you regret?: Define "recently." If you mean like, in the last month, then no.
02. ever lied?: No, because I'm infallible like that. :..
03. ever stuck gum under a desk?: Can't say I have.
04. ever kicked someone?: Yes.
05. ever tripped over your own feet?: Almost every day.

TODAY HAVE YOU:

01. have you cursed?: In my head.

02. have you gotten mad at someone?: I don't get mad that easily. Annoyed, yeah. But no.

Q: is there a person who is on your mind right now?:
A: This is a stupid question. Of course there is.

Q: do you have any siblings?:
A: Two younger sisters.

Q: do you want children?:
A: Not too terribly. But my opinion's been swayed from an adamant "NO" to a noncommittal "I wouldn't mind." But, I don't want kids for a while.

Q: do you smile often?:
A: Only extremely recently.

Q: do you untie your shoes every time you take them off:
A: No. It bothers the crap out of some people. xD

Q: do you like your handwriting?:
A: Not really. It's okay.

Q: are your toenails painted?:
A: No.

Q: are you a friendly person?:
A: Usually, I am, unless you've wronged me or those important to me in some way.

Q: who's bed others than yours do you sleep in?:
A: No one's.

Q: what color shirt are you wearing?:
A: Black.

Q: what were you doing at 7pm yesterday?:
A: I was online, I think.

Q: I can't wait until:
A: College. But I'm also dreading it, because high school will be over. High school is fun, even if it can be a major pain in the ass.