If you are NOT as hasher, you probably don’t need to read any further. This all may be confusing or alarming to the point of asking yourself, “What kind of effing cult does Leslie and Jim belong to???”
Now, if you ARE a hasher, Saturday was Dental Dam-zel and Dock Cousteau’s Mardi Gras themed Baby Shower Hash which Jim (Die Bitch Die) and I (Sakura Manko) hared. I had to throw our hash names in there for the non-hashers who decided to keep reading. I was going to write a nice long blog about the day and share with you some pictures and videos. Well, the later is going to be from ME; the first I’m not going to attempt to write. Instead, I present to you Cocks In Boxen’s hilarious Hash Trash from the day:
Trail:
I showed up for yesterday's hash on Lolli-time, just as the beer van was pulling away. I barely got to toss my stuff in DD (with Sakura yelling at me and MOPP 40 that if she got caught, it was our faults) before it left. But hey, we made it from the Sunabe Seawall to the park in about 20 minutes, thanks to some serious Nascar-style driving by Krusty. We only almost hit 1 person, so it was pretty safe. :-) But, we missed Hares-Away, so I have no idea what number it was. I could have asked Die, but eh, whatever.
I got handed a bouncy blue water-balloon baby, and was instructed very firmly to NOT kill it on trail. Aw man, that's no fun! It was apparently too much for some people to handle, as there were a few abortions. Trojan and Nostrildumas both were retarded and let/asked PVC to watch their babies - that didn't work out so well. BAM dropped hers when she tripped as she was just about at finish (which, if she wasn't turning into Fox with the *unning thing, she wouldn't have done - let this be a lesson kids). I think one other person killed their baby, but I can't remember who it was through the haze left over from Martin's last night.
Most people were dressed in their interpretation of Mardi Gras attire, so we were a fairly colorful bunch. Even Lollipop was costumed! We must have looked a bit silly tromping through fields with green tinsel wigs, fake bare boobs, sparkly bow ties, feather boas, and face masks, while carrying balloon babies (and a 6-ft tall yellow-handled toilet plunger). I love this stuff...why in the world aren't there more Hashers? I really don't get it.
For a short trail, there was a lot of variety. There was park, shiggy, farmer's field, road, steps, castle (I think), climbing under and climbing up. There were also two power lines and some paint fumes for the pregnant chick. Oh, and a beer stop -yay! Good job hares! I don't know about everyone else, but I appreciated the trail. Well, except the uphill parts, but that's because I have the lungs of a Virginia coal miner. *cough* Somehow, Krusty managed to get lost, and showed up a good 20 minutes after everyone else (I wasn't DFL again!), but he's the only one who misunderstood arrows and chad and pack marks and such. Golden Flow tripped and smushed his knee, which bled a lot but turned out to not be that bad. He did NOT kill the baby though (BAM).
The food afterwards was delish, and I'm planning to run out and buy some Zatarain's and try to make that dirty rice for dinner tonight. I love it when Sakura does a trail, because she's always so CRAFTY and over-prepared. She's like....I don't know, like some twisted version of Martha Stewart. I fucking love it.
Circle:
So yeah, we had great food, thanks Sakura and Die, and then we had circle - yay! I love me some circle! The hares got praised for a perfect trail - the only attempted violation was Krusty getting lost, but he admitted it was his own fault for *unning sober. PVC got the Hashit from NCAA because he killed some babies. I'm not sure how that worked out, because he was just being himself by killing those kids. I would have thought the bad parents would have the Hashit. But hey, it's not like PVC doesn't deserve it, overall. He tossed the contents on the ground and then rose without permission, so he got to have his cup filled twice. He didn't drink it, but at least the second time he wore it, banana skins, cigarette butts and all. There were like a million virgins, and I think they were all girls - I don't remember any hot guys being there (oops, except for MOPP 40 of course...I just love the way you pose, darlin'....), so all the guys must have been the regulars. Oooh, SBS showed up, which was cool - I think her dogs heard there was gonna be a party and they made her bring them.
We played some baby shower games, Hash style. I think it was the best baby shower I’ve ever been to. I didn't have to worry about not smoking around the pregnant person, and I got to drink, and I didn't have to try not to say FUCK around the prissy bitches at the party. It was awesome. There was the baby toss, which was won by......um...... yeah, two people, they won. A virgin and someone else, I think. There was a baby bottle down-down contest. Nostril thought he could pull that shit off, but ooooooh no, Trojan kicked his ASS. And everyone else's. That boy can suck nipple like a champ - take note, girls! Although I don't know that I’d want someone who can suck THAT hard anywhere near my nips. Might take them off! Then there was a baby food eating contest - oh gag. Most of the contestants were heard to comment "that's disgusting; I'm going to throw up". That was won by.....yeah, I don't fucking know. I was too busy laughing at NCAA and the green goo all over his face to pay attention. Whatever, someone out there can eat a whole jar of baby food in like 20 seconds, and they can put that on their resume, because they've got the tiny bottle of booze and the big plastic beads to prove it. We also had to write (on cute little slips of paper, put in a cute little hand-papered box, with one of the 800 pens the ever prepared Martha-Sakura brought) advice to the new parents. “Stop at one”, “Dogs are not babysitters”, “Get a vasectomy”, “Don’t give your kid to PVC”, and the winner – “Remember to alternate hands when drinking Boddingtons and holding the baby”, by Free Kitty.
Baby Presents (XX chromosome misfire alert):
Post circle, we gave Dock and Dental some baby swag, and it was adorable. Sakura (aka Twisted Martha) had a little tiny t-shirt with a foot and um…”Hashing since 2009” (or something like that) for everyone to sign. She’s all about t-shirts to sign. I dig it. I may have gushed a little bit over the shirt, and PVC looked at me in amazement and asked me if my uterus was glowing. That was pretty funny, I think, so I’m sharing. Sakura also had made for them the CUTEST onesies (boys, those are the little body suits babies wear that snap at the crotch, fyi), and I wish everyone could have seen them. There was one that said “Made by Dock and Dental” (or something close), and another one with “Born to Hash” (or something close…man, I suck at “remember” today! I blame Martin…). Even the guys would have liked them, I think. Free Kitty got them a giant bag of stuff – thanks, makes my pacifier look LAME. Nice job. Way to go. Cliteralla (who is a HORRIBLE driver, btw) and Missionary Impossible got them some super cute little Engrish baby clothes. So cute! Happy love time make sure plan baby day! Nostrildumas, Heave Ho, and Krusty got them hot-cold nipple donuts, nursing pads, and soft ass blankets. I think out of everything the boys got her, Dental was actually happiest about the nipple donuts. I think being happy about nipple donuts is kind of amusing. But then, I’m not about to use my tits to feed a person, so I can’t really relate. CAMEL got them a little blanket with a growth chart on it, which was cute AND practical. And there was a little fuzzy ducky blanket that Dock is probably going to try to steal. I think someone needs to find a blankie for daddy, because he was eyeballing his son’s stuff like he wanted it for his very own.
You can check out pictures from the day HERE and HERE; and the videos are HERE, HERE and HERE. It was a great day and I really didn’t put as much effort into it all as she makes it out to be. Maybe I really am a twisted version of Martha Stewart. It just comes naturally!