So I seem to have found a system that is working for me right now.  I'm watching my refined carbs like a hawk.  I've been eating this way most days for a few weeks now.  I eat a high protein breakfast, usually a hard boiled egg plus a yogurt, sometimes instead of yogurt, I'll eat a string cheese.  Then for lunch, I have a giant salad full of veggies from my farm share, plus some cheese and another hard boiled egg.  Then for dinner I eat some type of meat or fish, plus some giant pile of veggies or salad, and possibly a potato.  Then after dinner I eat an ice cream or some popcorn (generally the only non-complex carbs that I eat all day.)    And to be honest,  this is easy.  For now.

I may become bored with it, but with this farm share there are so many veggies and salad things, plus cheese and eggs to eat, and I feel obligated to eat them all because I've met the farmer that grows them.  So for the next 18 weeks, I at least have the food to do this. 

And this is not to say that I don't fall off the wagon:  this weekend, I ate pizza, drank beer, ate a brunch buffet and cookies, but because I have a plan for the rest of the week, I know that I'll be fine.

Does anyone else do this?  It feels so natural, because of all of the veggies and lean meats.  And it makes me feel great.  It has helped me break some bad habits and it seems to keep me away from my overeating trigger foods, like chips, cookies, etc.  I think it's the  can do until I return to meetings in September.

This is a response to comments on my last post and other emails that I've gotten in the last few months.  It's a rant, mainly. 

I am not "beating myself up" in the "wah, I gained two pounds" normal way.  I feel like I am in the depths of an eating disorder.  This eating disorder used to rear it's ugly head only once every couple of months, and I'd have a raging 3-4 day binge, but be able to control my diet in order to lose the weight and get back to where I needed to be.  It is not like that anymore:  I eat uncontrollably for one day, the another and another and I do that 3 or more days per week.  I then eat obsessivley well for the remaining days of the week.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I just blow the whole week. 

I am just in the beginning of figuring it out. Literally OA Step One.  It is not easy.  I have to think about my food totally differently.  I'm buying different things:  things with fat and real sugar, to help me get off of the bad artificial sweetener habit.  I am also trying to buy real food for my lunches and snacks.  No more Lean Cuisine (for now).  I'm cooking actual chicken breasts and slicing real fruit for my lunch.  I'm trying to find foods that are satisfying, but that don't trigger a binge.

This may be hard for some of my readers to understand but this is not soemthing that I can let go of.  I can't help but obsess.  If I don't obsess, I become depressed.  When I become depressed, I eat. 

Again, Step One says that we admit that we are powerless over food and that our lives have beome unmanageable.  That is how I feel, unmanageable. The powerless over food part is very challenging still:  if I'm powerless over food that I can't try to control it.  Do you understand how difficult that is for me?  I'm upset now just thinking about giving up the power that I try to have over food. 

Today I feel fine.  But I still haven't even tried to get dressed. 

And to respond to Stories comments about my weight:  I am currently the weight that I am when I graduated from high school.  But at that time I was 10 lbs overweight.  Now I want to get back to where I am happiest and where my clothes fit right and I feel best in them.  And that weight is 140.  And I don't mean any thing mean or nasty or hurtful by my next comment, but I know that this weight is thinner than what some of my readers are or may ever be.  If you cannot relate to what I weigh, please relate to what I say.  And please don't be offended as I have never meant to hurt anyone with any of my writing.

Starting Weight: 154.4
Current Weight: 151.4
Goal Weight: 139.4

04/13 – 154.4 (+ / – 0)
04/20 – 150.6 (-3.8)
04/27 – 149.6 (-1)
05/04 – 151 (+1.4)
05/11 – 149.6 (-1.4)
05/18 – 148.8 (-.6)
05/25 – 152.8 (+4)
06/01 - 151.4 (-1.4)
06/08 -
06/15 -

I make myself sick. I am so sick of what my world has become:  I obsess about food, the scale, my clothes, etc. almost 24 hours per day.  I think it's once again time to consult with a therapist, this time one who specializes in eating disorders.  I just can't stand it anymore. 

And I need to go to a OA meetings every week.  But I'm not sure that the one that I've been going to is the right one for me.  It's very small and I have to talk a lot and don't get to hear a lot of different stories.  I think I need something more.  And I bought all of those books, but I am so self-absorbed and worried about what others think that I feel like I'm working Step One wrong and that I won't get what I need out of it.  I don't feel very guided with OA, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.  Should I feel helped?  Or like I do now: lost?

So today I weight 151.4.  That makes me sick.  I can't believe the things that I do to myself and that I can drop down to 144 and be so thrilled and let it all fall apart and come flying right back to 150.  It disturbs me.  And it disturbs me that I'm so upset about it. 

I think I need a new eating plan.  I may start watching calories instead of points.  I'll have to put more thought into it and let you guys know.