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one more medicated peaceful moment Composition Queen

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July 10, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  mellow
Category: Life
You know those kinds of sleeps you have where you startle yourself awake, wipe the congealed drool from your mouth and think "omfg, how long have I been sleeping?"  

What I wouldn't give for one of those sleeps.  I think the longest I've slept in the last month is 4 hours in a row uninterrupted.   Even my sleep aides aren't knocking me out.  Weird. 

Anyway.  I had a chance to check out bits and pieces of MJ's memorial service and the different performers.  Some thoughts on that:

♦ If Brooke Shields truly hadn't seen Michael Jackson since 1991 (I read this somewhere, but don't know for sure if it's true), why did she think it was ok to accept the honor of eulogizing him?  Because, you know, people don't change in 18 years or anything.  That'd be like me speaking at a funeral of someone I went to middle school with and barely remember. 

♦ Um...what happened to Mariah Carey's voice?  She can't sing anymore.  What happened to the Mariah of 1991-1995?  Gross. 

♦ I'm wondering why the fuck this became a big race deal, with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson speaking.  Um...why?   Let's ask the resident brother, Clifford.  What say you?

So yeah.  It's humid as a bitch outside.  Here at the office, all the plate-glass windows are fogged up on the inside.  I'm not looking forward to this next week - one of the overnighters quit 2 nights ago leaving us to somehow pick up the pieces.  I think that means a lot of mandatory OT for me here in the near future.

So many times I've opened up a blog and it just sits there.  I'm suffering from writer's block.  I'm shocked I've written this much.  I think I write better in the privacy of my own space, not at work.  I'm also suffering from a lack of loudmouth soup (beer).  That always helped me write more efficiently.  I haven't REALLY drank in so long.

Oh yeah.  Here is something else I've been thinking about.

If you're one of those people who hasn't reached out to me in my times of trouble and pain and misery, I'm going to give you a big congratulatory Fuck You, complete with mylar balloons and cone hats.  If you haven't been deleted yet, you will be shortly.  And if you don't give a shit either way, then neither of us loses. 

Please, no emails saying "I'm sorry, I've been so busy..." or "I didn't know what to say" or "I had no idea!"  Bullshit.  Everyone reads these.  I've got the hits to prove it. Everyone plus a few hundred others.  Or maybe the same five people change their IP addresses and hit my blog over and over and over again all day, everyday.  Hey, anything's possible. 

Just remember - people never forget when you're there and when you're not.  I certainly haven't.  And won't.

Two more hours to go - I actually have a car today and that makes Jess happy.  I've got laundry and grocery shopping to do today, and a little boy that I promised a trip to Maggie Moos for. 

Just remember: what's most important is invisible. 
10:00 AM 
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July 4, 2009 - Saturday 

Current mood:  sad
If anyone's been paying any attention at all, I'm going through one of the most difficult times of my life.   I have good days, and bad days.  Really good days, where I don't even sweat anything...where it feels good to be alive.  Then, really BAD days, where I contemplate suicide.  Like...I'm so terrorized internally that it seems that would be the only relief.  I have the plans down to a 't.'

Sounds a little sick/mental, yes?  I don't deny that.  But when you think about it, it's so sad.  Like, so incredibly sad.  I just want to cry for ME when I read that.  I want to cry for those who HAVE carried out the task, and for those who contemplate.  Life fucking sucks, man.  It does.  And you could never imagine how bad someone is hurting in their final hour that would make them do that. 

Then I made a new friend. 

I discovered the panic attack a few days ago.  More specifically, 1 July 2009.  At first I wasn't sure what was going on.   I woke up at 6:30a (my friend Veronica came over and left at 4am), snapping wide awake with sunshine blaring down on me.  I had literally gotten 2.5 hours of sleep and was suddenly more awake than I've felt in months.   I stared down at my body for like an hour.  My skin felt so hot, it was almost gross.  Like mega-fever.

I tossed, and turned, and tossed and turned some more.  I could NOT go back to sleep, even though I had had a few beers with Verno.  It didn't make sense.   I made the mistake of sitting up, and I will do my best to reproduce the dialogue in my head (going from memory here):

You're sitting here alone.  There is no one that can come make you feel better.

It's all catching up with you Jess.  This is really happening.  You are alone. 

You can't even cuddle up with Cris because he's at Matt's.  You are...here...alone. 

[insert adrenaline rush to chest, and extremely rapid heart rate] 

[insert eyes filled with tears and rapid, hoarse breathing]

what.the.fuck.is.going.on.here.

Let me look in my phone and see who I can call to get through this.  Fuck.  I can't talk.  I don't want to talk at all, I just want to breathe.  And cry, right?  People always say crying makes you feel better, to let go and get it all out. 

Crying is not making me feel better.  I'm alone.  My heart hurts, not only because of the mental anguish life's recent traumas, but because I'm a heart patient and the muscle is thickened enough - any added pressure is excruciating.

Wandering the apartment.  Looking out the window at the GORGEOUS sunshiny day and watching the people walking down the street, living their own lives, not trapped in an apartment.   People that are free from their demons.  At least it looks that way.

Take a hot bath...soak.  Look again down at my body.  It's looking thinner every day.  While this would normally be awesome, I know it's not right.  I've gone for four days without eating in a row this month.  Then two days.  And, haven't eaten anything today, come to think about it.  The thought of food is fucking disgusting.

Wow.  That bath was too hot.  Dizzy.  Still fucking alone.  Nowhere to go.  I'm in jail.

[adrenaline rush, eyes fill with tears, hoarse "NO NO"]

Matt won't come hold me and talk me through this because he's not feeling well. 

There's no one.  NO ONE.  Just me.  Alone. 



So yeah.  That was the first HOUR of that day.  If you can only fucking imagine the rest.  Words cannot describe the hell that it was. 

My problem is is that I'm not letting go.  If I learned to accept this situation for what it is, instead of fighting it and holding on, things would be a lot easier.  On me, on Matt, on everyone.  

I don't think I have the fight in me anymore.  Doesn't mean I don't still love, or still care, it's just time for me to stop fighting it.  

And to all the people who have told me "PLEASE CALL ME WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!" I'm sorry - I can't.  I can barely breathe.  And I don't want to be that person who calls crying so hard you can't even understand them.  That would make me feel idiotic, especially a few hours later.   But, thank you so much for trying.  I don't mean to push away, I should be reeling you in.  I'm sorry.  

It took a lot for me to make this blog public.  Maybe it will help people realize they're not the only ones that go through shit like this.

*******edit********

I have received several emails from people worried that I am suicidal.  I am not suicidal, just feel that sometimes, in my darkest, most horrible solitary moments, that death is the only escape.  I would never leave my baby in this world alone. 

Also, for the first time in over a month, roughly 2 hours ago, I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.  This must mean I'm making progress.  
3:29 AM 
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June 29, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  working
Heads up people: I have the cellular "Do Not Call" number, you must call from your cell phone to activate.

888-382-1222

Pretty soon, if not already, it will be legal for telemarketers to call your cell phone. It's important you do this. Another PSA from your good friend, Jess. :)
10:53 AM 
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June 29, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  amused
I wrote a blog this morning referencing a link to a funny Craigslist ad that I found.  Unfortunately for all of you, this dipshit took the ad down, probably because he/she/it realized what a fucking moron they are.

Basically it was a family looking for a rent-to-own house or a rental house.  They mentioned they had bad credit, were sick of living in crappy neighborhoods, etc.  They also mentioned they knew a little bit about fixing up, which I took to mean remodeling.  But they DID say "not stuff TOO difficult though."  So, they were open to a fixer-upper.

Now.  They had requirements, goddamn it.  And these requirements were completely in capital letters (I'm not bullshitting).  If you have a rental or a rent-to-own, it'd BETTER fall into the following guidelines, or you will NOT get the time of day:

- Pet friendly, as they have four cats (fucking gross)

- A fenced yard for their kids to play in

- Two levels, with a walk-out basement

- NO small bedrooms.  Bedrooms MUST not be tiny

- Master bedroom must be at least XX' x XX', as they have a king bedroom set that needs to fit

- Master bedroom must have it's own bathroom

- At least 2 bathrooms in the house

- Must be close to elementary school


The absolute best part? 

The house MUST be between $500 and $800 a month, no ifs, ands, or buts.  Firm. 

LMFAO.

P.S.  Me and Matty's house was this exact description...and it was $1200, which I was surprised we got it for that. 



8:26 AM 
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June 28, 2009 - Sunday 

Current mood:  amused
1. Some crackhead tried selling me a fan for $5 when I was walking home from work yesterday.

2. Someone actually posted this ad on Craigslist:

http://omaha.craigslist.org/rnr/1243076698.html

LMGDAO!
10:57 AM 
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June 27, 2009 - Saturday 

Current mood:  awake
It figures, that as soon as I have the urge to write (I REALLY have to want to write and feel inspired otherwise I won't do it at all), it's one hour before I get to go home, where I DON'T have a computer, and the calls are flooding in.

Shit.

Anyhow.  I don't live in the best neighborhood.  In fact, pick the seediest neighborhood in any of the Grand Theft Autos, and my hood ranks up there.  I'm not lying.  The reason for the title of this blog directly correlates with my neighborhood.  For instance:

I have to walk to work (unless Ames or Matt take me), and while it's only about 2.5 blocks away, I have to walk directly past some really shady buildings which house equally shady folks.  For instance, on the northeast corner of 24th and St. Mary's, there's usually a huge congregation of whores, crackheads, and homeless people that sit on the concrete wall that fences the church.  Every time I walk past, someone always has something to say.  Instead of a civil, friendly "how are you this evening?"  I'm greeted with a "damn girl, where YOU goin?" or a "Hey..HEY!  HEY!"  It's like they think the louder they yell, the better chance they have of getting your attention, and you'll turn around and happily oblige them with any sexual fantasy they might have, right there on the street amidst the pizza boxes and wet, rumpled sweaters. 

The other day when my husband stopped by the apartment, he saw a hooker blowing some dude in the back of my parking lot.  He startled them, and as Matt said, he highly doubts the dude finished.  Gross. 

I also walk by this building that is strictly studio apartments, or "sleeping rooms."  Sometimes people hang out of their unscreened windows and call out hellos to me.  Which is fine, you want to say, hi, that's great.  Just don't...try to touch me or smell me or anything. 

I guess my question is, who ever taught these people it was ok to talk to complete strangers in this manner?  Aren't people AFRAID of strangers anymore?  What if I were plotting to kill the next person that talked to me?  What if I were an HIV-positive rapist complete with rag and chloroform? 

The people I recognize from jail don't even say anything to me, which I prefer.  I don't strike up conversations with people that have an infinitely running nose (I affectionately refer to this as the "homeless drip"), open boils on their foreheads, or smell like they marinated overnight in a barrel of Jack Daniels.  I wish they'd return the favor.  Fuck.
10:56 AM 
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June 24, 2009 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  neglected
I've often said that "the sun will rise, the tides will roll" meaning no matter what personal crises people have, it's just a teeny tiny drop of insignificant rain in the ocean that is life.

No matter how badly you think your world is crashing down around you, how lonely you feel when you lose your husband or your friends fuck you, no matter what you no longer have or never had...the sun will rise, the tides will roll. 

When I was in Florida sitting on the sand that actually crossed my mind (besides REALLY discovering what the fuck seafoam color was, literally).  I went to bed, that shit was rolling.  I woke up, and guess what?  Rolling.

JoJo Potatoes turned me on to this place called SGI Buddhist center right here in Omaha off of Saddle Creek.  I had no idea it existed.  I'm going to check that place out this week, and honestly?  I cannot fucking wait.  If I ever win the lottery (it'll happen!) I will personally pluck the oldest, wisest monk from a mountain top in Tibet and give him his own living quarters in my palace, where he can be my horribly-overpaid "spiritual advisor."  The only problem is, I'd feel guilty masturbating in the same house.  Damn.

I cannot believe I've made it almost 3 weeks with no cable TV or computer.  As much as I hate to say it, I'm actually used to it.  A secret part wayyyy down inside of me wonders if I really need to turn it on.  Cris doesn't really give a shit about tv except for watching cartoons as he's falling asleep.  But me - I'm salivating for the return of The First 48, Intervention, Dr. Phil, Dog the Bounty Hunter, IFC, and Sundance.

It's interesting - yesterday morning (Tuesday morning) at around 3a, I found myself having a 2-hour text-a-thon talking about Iran and why this shit is happening over there.  My heart aches for the people getting killed simply for shouting enough is fucking enough.  And the women, bravo, bravo.  Good for you that you're getting out there showing your faces (or lack thereof, I should say) and that you're fucking sick of shit. 

I read another 40 or so pages in the amazing book I have, but quickly closed it because I don't want it to be over.  The book is that good.  I am waiting to find those YMCA memberships in my mailbox at work, so I can start working out.  My heart is thumping in anticipation.  And really, not having a car really fucking sucks.  Me and Cristian's main summer activity is swimming and working out.  Maybe I can sign him up for the classes there, they have a ton of stuff.  

My heart, already breaking, feels increasingly worse.  I can feel the spaghetti-esque stalagmite shards poking into my ribs.  Maybe this means it's time to heal, or move on, give up, or something.  I feel like such a failure.  Normally everything I touch turns to gold, not this time.  I find myself just sitting, reading, or whatnot, and suddenly feeling the urge to break into a sob for no reason.  That's stupid, and irritating for me.  Especially since I have to rinse my contacts out like 4 times when I cry, due to salt buildup. 

In other news, I've been invited by my friend Becca to come spend a week in Jersey City, NJ. If I can save the airfare, I'm going in August.  I'm going to make her take me to Guido Beach (check out Guido Beach on youtube, LMFAO!) and show me the touristy shit in NYC.  I've always wanted to relocate there.   Maybe I'll be walking in Times Square and someone will be like "hey!  Move here!  We'll give you a job and a huge apartment in SOHO!" 

Fat chance.  A girl can dream, can't she?

Below is a video of Neda, who was killed on the streets of Iran while not even protesting.  Unfuckingbelievable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76W-0GVjNEc
9:53 AM 
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June 21, 2009 - Sunday 

Current mood:  hungry
My Minnesota friends know what a Juicy Lucy is.  Do you?

It's a grilled burger with melted, bubbling cheese in the middle.  Well, guess what?  JO JO POTATOES (see: Friend #2 on my friend's list) is making them Monday night for our weekly get-together!!  I'm stoked.  I haven't had one since leaving the land of 10,000 lakes. 

Good friends, good food, good beer, what more could a girl ask for?  Ohhhh yes.  I want my fucking husband.  Anyway.  This whole thing feels surreal and makes me ill.
What is everyone doing for the 4th of July?  I don't even know if I work that day, but I'm hoping to get some fireworks as usual and go to Veronica's.  She lives in Bellevue and has a giant patio/backyard/street to do them on.  I suppose it's up to Cris. 

5:07 AM 
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June 11, 2009 - Thursday 

Current mood:  surprised
I made a discovery today about 15 minutes before I left for work.  I was pulling my hair up and as I lifted my arms, my pants almost fell down (no perverted remarks please).

Turns out leaving a crappy marriage is the best damned diet I've ever been on.  Wow.  And I didn't even have to do any meth!

Maybe the reason people lose weight when they go through a break up or divorce is that it's nature's way of grooming you to get you ready to re-enter the world of men and their fondness for eye candy. 

Whatever the reason, I like it. 

Also, next on the list?  Divorce hair.  I've been tossing the idea around of doing something dramatic with my hair, maybe even taking like 10 inches off.  We'll see if I have the balls. 
5:49 AM 
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June 3, 2009 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  angsty
On Flight AF 447, the lost (crashed/disinegrated/turned to dust) Airbus 330 from Rio De Janeiro to Paris, there were 5 Lebanese passengers and 1 Turkish passenger. 

What do you guys think about this being a terrorist act?  Is it possible?

Just sayin'.  I'd like your thoughts. 

P.S.  Going 521 mph, 35,000 miles above black water, and hitting "heavy turbulence," causing tons of system failure...I can't imagine how terrified those people must have been.  It's shit like this - shit that makes me want to vomit when I walk onto an airplane. 
2:11 PM 
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June 1, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  chill
I'm counting down.  Worst to worst-est. 


15.  Philadelphia

14.  Charlotte, NC

13.  West Palm Beach, FL (I was surprised.  Just fucking enjoy your mojito and the ocean and leave people alone)

12.  Baton Rouge, LA  (big shocker there)

11.  New Orleans, LA (NO WAY!!  You mean the people taking plasma tvs from the stores while wading around in shit water weren't just desperate?)

10.  Baltimore (lmfao @ Pat)

9.  Nashville, TN

8.  Charleston, SC (I had no idea, seriously)

7.  Little Rock, AR (I have a friend who was at a Greyhound station there for a bit and said it was so fucking ghetto there)

6.  Orlando, FL (but...Disney World is there! :)  )

5.  Stockton, CA (the Mexican drug cartel has made sure of this - Stockson is the main stop between Me-hee-ko and Vancouver, BC)

4.  Las Vegas, NV (housing boom went bye-bye)

3.  Miami, FL (I think this is one of those things where if you're not involved in shady shit, you have nothing to worry about)

2.  Memphis, TN 

Who can guess what the number 1 most ghetto and violent city is?  Should be an easy one. 
9:47 AM 
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May 31, 2009 - Sunday 


http://www.cnn.com/video/?JSONLINK=/video/bestoftv...

A man's name appears on a court docket 11 times in one day for child support cases. Prime News reports.

So fucking disgusting. I am appalled.

5:50 AM 
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May 29, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  disgusted
This guy walks into a convenient store with the intent of robbing it.  Why, you ask?  The answer might surprise you.

Not just your typical scumbag "I need a fuckin hit real bad" crackhead robber looking to score $20 and some cartons of cigarettes in the robbery.  This particular robber needed his fucking insulin and apologized beforehand to the clerk for doing it.  The clerk couldn't open the safe and instead gave the robber $40 out of his own pocket. 

Yes.  Out of his own pocket.  The robber took the money, shook the clerk's hand, and left. 

Now.  My question is - why the HELL can the United States afford EVERYTHING under the sun EXCEPT a health plan that covers every citizen?  Why can we bail out grossly overpaid CEOs and pay for their cushy ridiculous vacations and disgusting bonuses but we can't take care of our diabetic Americans? 

Also in news, an illegal immigrant man is currently being held in jail in South Sioux City, NE.  So what's new, right?  I mean - the whole illegals flooding our jails is nothing new.  In fact, as a regular citizen, you probably have no idea how many illegals are incarcerated.  As a person who worked in county jail, I can tell you it's a STAGGERING amount.  Like - there are more illegals than there are legals.  If you sat and thought about how much money YOU, as a taxpayer are paying to feed, clothe, and shelter these louse, you might cry.  Anyway.  This had a point.

This Mexican national climbed in through a window of a trailer house, and then proceeded to rape and sodomize a three-year-old girl.  It killed her.  Can you even start to imagine?  I am so disgusted.  And, fuming mad.   

When is this shit going to stop?  When is enough enough?  When are we as a society going to finally DO SOMETHING about rapist murdering pedophiles? 

Rehab isn't enough.  Prison isn't enough.  Fuck.

Anyway, my final bit of news isn't disgusting or enraging.  Basically, I'm considering doing something drastic with my hair.  Cheryl at work did something drastic and she looks like new person and it's just amazing. 

I MIGHT experiment with some color undearneath (you know how underneath is one color and the top is different), or just cut a LOT of it off.  I'm not sure yet. 
9:11 AM 
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May 28, 2009 - Thursday 

Current mood:  working

Happy 33rd birthday to a man who:

♥ is totally hot

♥ can fix fucking ANYTHING!

♥ has a big weiner

♥ gives good shoulder rubs

♥ is a great dad to Cris

♥ is incredibly handy

♥ has my back (thank you)

♥ is getting better at wanting to make out

♥ can make me laugh hysterically - by doing absolutely nothing, fucking bizarre

♥ makes really good pasta, mmm

♥ proved to me that chivalry is not dead

♥ never gives up

♥ is the dirtiest fighter I've ever met in my life

♥ has the perfect back to hug onto whilst sleeping

Everyone, if you get the chance, send a happy birthday to Matt!

7:30 AM 
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May 27, 2009 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  thoughtful
I personally know someone that fits each of these categories.  I probably fit into a couple of categories as well.  I know for a fact that I'm a "Never Enough Nellie" when it comes to my husband.  I'm inviting you to share which one (or two) you fall into, and why. 

But.  I am trying so hard to be a better person, all-around.  I'm consciously thinking of ways to do this.

♦Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics.  Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late.  These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem.  They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation.  The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.


♦Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them.  They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met.  You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."


Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust.  You are left disappointed and unfulfilled.  Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.


♦Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life.  If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast.  If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.


Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything.  Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity.  Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.


♦Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive.  If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'.  If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.


Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers.  In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over.  If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring.  Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.


♦Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it.  As you achieve, they try to pull you down.  As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.


Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be.  Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.  Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.



♦Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere.  You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh.  You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response.  You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.


Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria.  This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships.  When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there.  When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are.  When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.



♦Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways.  In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies.  Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you.  Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business.  Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.


Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy.  These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.



♦Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy.  They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you.  They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.


Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process.  They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.


8:37 AM 
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Jess

Jessica McConnell


Last Updated: 7/10/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Married
Age: 31
Sign: Libra

City: Omaha
State: Nebraska
Country: US
Signup Date: 10/17/2005

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