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June 23, 2009 - Tuesday

How to imitate a popular Jewish Celebrity.
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

What have I been up to lately?

No good.

Wanna read about it?

Trust me, it's at least MODERATELY funny....

go to:

http://mynamewasjonah.blogspot.com/

Or just click HERE.

6:16 PM

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June 12, 2009 - Friday

Elections in Iran
Category: News and Politics

How flippin' great would it be if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lost the election by a few votes...

from gay Iranians?

Find some news here.

2:24 PM

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May 24, 2009 - Sunday

Anybody Smell Sulphur? (Updated with replies to your comments.)
Current mood:

ashamed
Category: News and Politics

Looks like Dick Cheney is back. He's about to make a speech in response to Obama's details about closing Gitmo.

Well thank goodness... I was just thinking to myself the other day... "John?"

"Yes?!" I replied, a little startled that the Schizophrenia was back.

"You know what I've been missing?"

"What's that?"

"A nice, big, BE SCARED, AMERICA! speech by Dick Cheney."

"You're being sarcastic, as usual, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah... I am YOU."

"But, he's not Vice President anymore. He has an approval rating to match G.W. Bush's? How is it that he or the GOP thinks it's a good idea for him to bash the Closing of Guanatanamo NOW with scare tactics? Do they really think that's the way the party will rebuild?"

"Hey, don't ask me. I find it hilarious that Cheney is waiting for Obama to finish his speech, so he can IMMEDIATELY address the nation on why we need to take cover from the big, CAH-RAZY Muslim President who is going to "Unleash terrorists in America's backyard."

"Bah. It won't work this time."

"Oh really? They already got to the Senate Democrats and they voted down the $8 million dollars set aside in the spending bill to help close Gitmo."

"What, just a handful of puss Democrats concerned about re-election, right?"

"Uh, no... they joined the Republicans and voted it down 90 to SIX."

*Spit take*

"What? You mean... it's WORKING again?! The POLITICS OF FEAR is working again?"

"Looks like it."

"But, I vowed that if this ever worked again, they should lock me up in the looney bin!"

"Dude...."

"What?"

"You've been talking to yourself for the last few minutes."

"Oh god... you're right."

(Awkward pause)

"So."

"Yeah?"

"Wanna go out in traffic in nothing but your bathrobe and cowboy boots holding a sign that says FREE MANDELA?"

"Sure. I'll make us some sandwiches."

..John Esquivel's Profile | Create Your Badge
..

4:34 AM

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May 2, 2009 - Saturday

A quick one while he's away.
Category: News and Politics

Hi folks.

     It's been awhile. I've been lazy, and the ADD quality of Twitter and Facebook has me in it's icy cold, short attention span grip.

     I actually purposely stopped blogging a bit after Obama's inaguration, because I was planning on writing something after his first 100 days. Instead, I got sidetracked, and with the acting bug bite now infected and spreading to my organs, I'm busy rehearsing for a new play.

    I'll be back here though to share my thoughts on politics, pop culture and why Ryan Seacrest must be eradicated.

   In the meantime, you understand if some other things have come up that have kept me busy....

See ya soon.

-John

The John Blog on TWITTER

3:28 PM

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April 24, 2009 - Friday

In response to the MISS USA debacle, here is a repost on my thoughts on Gay Marriage.
Category: News and Politics

Sorry folks, just cause I disagree with someone, doesn't mean I don't respect their opinion. Sure, she's an airbrushed, vaseline on the teeth, blonde representing California. But I don't think the girl should be villified for her belief, like it or not.

That being said, here are my thoughts on Gay Marriage, before anyone comes at me like a Spider-Monkey:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

                                                               - Dr. Seuss

      Sure, I've had plenty of time to weigh in on Proposition 8. To be honest, I thought that I would be the last person anyone wanted to hear from when it came to the matter. I have dedicated most of my time railing against the current administration and shoring up support for Obama prior to the election. But since I posted the PROP 8: THE MUSICAL video this weekend, I have received several emails from people telling me they wanted my opinion on it.

       You see, the suppression of the right for Homosexuals to be legally married makes about as much sense as the fact that they made THREE 'Punisher' movies:

I mean, seriously, there are some
things you just HAVE to let go.

At the 2008 Republican National Convention, John McCain mentioned in his speech that education was the "Civil Rights issue of this Century." Leave it to a Republican to get it all wrong.

We have made leaps and bounds in rights for women and African Americans over the course of the last hundred years. Yet, women still lack equal pay in the workforce and deal with sexism to this day. African Americans can drink from any damn water fountain they want, but there still exists deep pockets of racism in every corner of this Country.

    But when it comes to Homosexuals, the decisions to deny them equal rights is ludicrous. It's even more frustrating that these slings and arrows are thrown from behind a shield that looks a lot like the BIBLE.

    I may be a Christian, but I have chosen to regard the stories and teachings of the bible as more of a blueprint for my life. I also intend on taking the positive values and try to instill them in my children.

    I can't depend on today's school system to teach my 10 year old son about homosexuality, so I had to do it myself. It took less than a minute.

    The longest portion of that minute was to explain that a lot of people are against those of this sexual orientation and it's a hard life... but not one that is willfully chosen.

    My kids will not be raised to believe it's o.k. to hate someone for their sexual orientation, color, or race.

When my wife and I were engaged, she asked me what my reaction would be if our son Alex, then 3 years old, turned out to be gay. I told her that I would be scared. Scared that my son would have to live his life in an environment like this. Scared he won't use protection. Scared some hick asshole and his buddies will tie him up and drag him behind his truck. Scared that I would contradict myself by telling him to express himself freely and yet also tell him to be careful of his surroundings if he chooses to be openly gay.

     I am not innocent in this. I have used the words FAG and FAGGOT before. I think most of us have. I still love to joke around with male friends about their sexuality, inferring that they are gay is always a classic, but it's mainly to play on their own insecurities. Is that wrong? I guess it's up to the casual observer.

But there is a crucial belief I have always had, even as a pre-teen, when it came to homosexuality:

    Your sexual preference doesn't mean anything to me as long as you are a goodhearted person who does not intend to do me any harm.

     For my entire life, someone's sexual orientation has never moved me to treat them differently, vilify or praise them. I have had gay people come in and out of my life as casual acquaintances who have been ANNOYING and some who have been AMAZING friends.

     I dabbled in acting briefly in High School Theater and for a short time after before concentrating on writing, so yeah, I have met and worked with gay men and women before. But I've never had a close friend who was gay. Maybe I'm not the best to comment on this kind of thing, but I don't think it takes a genius or special kind of relationship with a homosexual to understand one crucial thing:

They are human beings just like you and I, and they are being denied the ability to bind their love
in Marriage because of hatred.

I'm sorry, but there is no excuse for that. There is NONE.

    Yet I have confidence. Someday, my kids will be telling their children about a time, not too long ago, that Gay men and women were denied the same equal rights as Straight people.
     They will look up at them with the same look their parents looked at me with, when I told them about segregation of blacks and whites. It's a look of puzzled bewilderment. One that comes to someone who is not corrupted by the teachings of those who try to justify hatred with a Bible passage.

      At least, I pray that this day will come.

Check out the NOM Gathering Storm video below... but before you get angry, watch the Parody by Funny or Die.com. It's Hysterical and reminds you that sometimes all you can do is laugh.

..

..

..John Esquivel's Profile | Create Your Badge
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2:31 AM

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March 24, 2009 - Tuesday

Princess Leia and Leisure Suits.
Category: Art and Photography

This past Saturday, my friend Pat asked me to join his team for a yearly event in Dallas.

The Photo Scavenger Hunt.

    Put on by Cyndi Long of CL Studios (www.Clstudios.com)
I can't begin to tell you the serious business this hunt becomes. Also, the speed and ferocity of leaving your dignity and hygiene at the door is mind boggling.

Before we get to the pics, let me share with you the rules and an example of how the hunt works.

THE ALL IMPORTANT RULES:
1. Only ONE camera per team (digital, film or polaroid.)
2. Items listed below may only be used once (unless otherwise noted.)
3. You may include more than one item per photo.
4. There will be absolutely no digital retouching of any kind or I will disqualify yo ass!
5. Pay extra attention to rule number 11.
6. It is not required to photograph every item on this list. (I triple-dog dare you to, though.)
7. Only 36 prints allowed per team printed on 4"x6" PHOTO paper (glossy or matte.)
8. You must write your team name and all items included on the back of each photo.
(if we can’t read it or see it, no points will be awarded)
9. Team with most points wins.
10. A photograph of a photograph of a listed item does not count. Sorry.
11. Have fun!

{1}= Number of points to be awarded upon completion.

BONUS: Include salsa in any or all of these shots for an additional 2 points per image!

    To give you some and idea of some of the items on the list, here is a few examples of how specific, how hard, and how open to interpretation some things were...

New Flower {3}
Sock with hole in it {2}
Inside of an elevator {5}
At least one team member in a police car {9}
Big lizard in your backyard {5}
Former President Bush (in person) {20}

    That's right... Former President Bush (in person.) If we had actually located Bush in Person, trust me... the team member in a police car would have been the next and easiest shot to get.

    So, along with Pat, Mike and Kristina - We dubbed ourselves with the simple team name: A mexican, a pollack, a mutt, and a wop walk into a bar. (Since my wife couldn't make it at the last minute, the Pollack was played by good ol' German girl Kristina)

Sadly, we came in THIRD place. (Somehow everyone else seemed to be able to find a Smart car, but us? Nooooo...) We had a BLAST though.

Here's our submissions....

Coke bottle glasses {2}
Habanero on entire team's tongues {7}
Spoon {2}

Mound of dirt {2}
Abraham Lincoln {3}
Sock with hole in it {2}
New Flower {3}
Partial eclipse {4}

Guns and hoses {4}
Big lizard in your backyard {5}
(Look closely, you'll find it...and laugh)

Triple dip ice cream cone {3}
Coffee with design in foam {4}
White Trash {5}

Entire team Inside of an elevator {5}
(The look of joy on my face is cause I'm getting "goosed." Unfortunately, as you can tell... you can see the hands of the only girl in the pic. *Shiver*)

Rockers & Mods {3}
Human Pyramid {5}
Mohawk {2}

Flying dog {5}
Solar panels {3}

One of my favorites...

Team sitting on old abandoned sofa {5}
Contents of every team member’s pockets {2}
Airplane in flight {2}

My David Lynch Moment. I have since burnt those jeans...

Blue tongue {2}
Graffiti in bathroom {2}
(Mask was just for kicks... *Ahem*)

8 lbs. 6 oz. {3}

Team Performing on stage at GOOD RECORDS {5}
Rocking Like a Hurricane {5}

All I'm missing is a nice Ascot.

Trombone {2}
Leisure suit {5}
Big bubble gum bubble {3}

Wrist band / ticket stub from NX35 {5}
Spilled Milk {2}
6 pk of beer, bottle of wine or water that you leave behind dumpster {7}
Something infront of your face {3}
Snowflake {3}

Juggling five items {5}
T-ball {3}

Public Clock at 2:22pm {5}

Reading to kids in public library {8}
(Picture disqualified cause we FORGOT the Salsa!)

Piggy bank {1}
Dinosaur {1}
Digging for gold {2}
Guitar Hero {3}
Princess Leah @ Zeus Comics {4}

And yes, Ladies and Gentlemen... Not to be stumped, we even managed to get the Holy Grail of the Scavenger Hunt:

Former President Bush (in person) {20}

Sometimes you just HAVE to get creative....

http://twitter.com/thejohnblog

9:48 AM

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March 22, 2009 - Sunday

Just because you're paranoid... don't mean they're NOT after you...
Category: News and Politics

I know.

It's been awhile.

Trust me, I got some stuff coming. Even some *Gasp!* Political commentary. For now, I just wanted to poke my head out real quick and share something with you. I checked. It's the real deal too.

This is the first time I got a cold chill and all the hairs on the back of my neck standing up just by reading a simple email alert...

"May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead."
- Old Irish Saying.

Man....

I got the Jeeblies.

http://twitter.com/thejohnblog

9:54 PM

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March 6, 2009 - Friday

How does one play REVOLUTION #9 on Expert level?
Category: News and Politics

Well, it's official.

It was announced that there will indeed be a BEATLES Rock Band premiering September 9th, 2009. How does your die hard pal and fellow smart ass John feel about it?

I couldn't be more thrilled!

Some of you may be shaking your heads, some nodding in agreement. Still, some of you are possibly looking at me the way a puppy does when you make that weird squeaky noise when moving furniture.

       So here's the deal. When I was in High School, my best friend Matt introduced me to The Beatles. I was familiar with their pre REVOLVER music like "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" "Can't Buy Me Love" etc....

      But on our way to lunch he popped in a tape in his tin can of a first car and out popped "I AM THE WALRUS." I still remember that weird swell I had in my chest. This discovery of something that had been there my entire life and the joy of finally coming across it.

     I dove right in. SGT. PEPPER'S HEART CLUB BAND, ABBEY ROAD, REVOLVER. I even bought the crappy experimental movie MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR on tape (Remember this was a post YouTube world) just so I could watch the video for I AM THE WALRUS whenever I wanted.

    DAY IN THE LIFE became my favorite song and I even soaked in all the details and intricacies. The whole "Paul is dead" mythology, the rooftop concert, the fighting during LET IT, what songs were influenced by drugs and the surprising ones that were not. I'm even one of those geeks who cranks the volume up at the very end of DAY IN THE LIFE just so you can hear the chair squeak and someone say "Shhhh!" when they were recording.

      THE WHITE ALBUM to this day remains my favorite album. Most people cling to ABBEY ROAD or SGT PEPPER but give me the self titled masterpiece. People call it uneven, but I call it an example of how diverse they were. CRY BABY CRY.

I still remember holding my breath when the song and video for FREE AS A BIRD premiered in 1995, the first completely new Beatles song using old vocals from John. I will fight anyone who makes fun of me for getting teary eyed.

   So why would I not join the rallying cry against making a video game of their music?

Simple. Guitar Hero is the reason my kid Alex had even the remotest interest in learning more about Music from Weezer, Thin Lizzy, to Rage Against The Machine. This is my chance to influence my child's taste in music. It's not the first time I had this kind of chance.

   See, there was a time when I was a daycare teacher. (You read that right.)

It paid shit, but it was the BEST job I ever had, and if they paid me what they do now to that again, I would. I worked with low income School age kids and I played Beatles music for them all the time.
I had 6 to 12 year old kids who knew all the words to DEAR PRUDENCE, HELTER SKELTER and the entire medley on ABBEY ROAD. I haven't worked with kids in that capacity for almost ten years. I get sick thinking that they didn't continue in their love for the music like they did when they were kids. I don't know if it stuck. I hope it did.

But now, it has a chance of doing exactly that. My kid may end up mastering a complex ROCK BAND version of MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS or HELTER SKELTER and I may grimace at the weird Beatles computer generated versions on the game, but I know that he's gonna come to me afterwards and ask me to make him a C.D. so he can listen to it when he's not glued to the Television.

This is the music that I find essential. Beatles music guided me through Grief, anxiety, break ups with girls not meant to be. It's been there for me for a large part of my life. I find it odd that they have yet to release their music on itunes yet. I think it's important to keep their music alive through our children. I find this portion of our pop culture essential to pass down from generation to generation, like Dr. Seuss, The Peanuts, Calvin & Hobbes and Spielberg films.

I still get nervous and skeptical when people try something with THE BEATLES. I was afraid LOVE would be ghastly, but I found it to be a neat re-imagining. I thought the idea of the movie musical ACROSS THE UNIVERSE was misguided and a bad idea, but although it wasn't great, I found it to be decent too.

I have always been impatient that they have yet to release the music on itunes and am pretty surprised this game is coming out first. But I will take any opportunity to celebrate this game, as long as they don't mess with the source material. Then I'll come out and bitch.

We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I leave you with my favorite accolade of The Beatles. It's from the opening lines of KURT VONNEGUT'S book TIMEQUAKE:

I say in speeches that a plausible mission of artists is to make people
appreciate being alive at least a little bit. I am then asked if I know
of any artists who pulled that off. I reply, 'The Beatles did'.

6:06 AM

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February 28, 2009 - Saturday

I wonder if Spiderman can do Jazz hands or a Step-Ball-Chain?
Category: News and Politics

O.K....

Sometimes news comes around that really makes me wonder. As you can see above, SPIDERMAN is coming to Broadway. My gut reaction as a born again Theater Person, is a guffaw and turn up of my nose. I also like the idea of finding any reason I can to use the word 'Guffaw' whenever possible, but I digress.

But I have thought about it, and although the idea seems ludicrous, so did the idea of SHREK: The Musical. But apparently that sucker is getting some pretty good reviews:

    Regardless, I know that If I ever find my way back to NYC and get to choose what Broadway show I'm gonna see, it ain't this one. All it's missing is a stage of ice with skates on the actors in my opinion. Credit Sutton Foster, recent Broadway star with elevating the show with her talent as Princess Fiona.
    I know what you're thinking. It's soulless, unoriginal theater, and the worst creative vaccum since the Jukebox musical... but if you put can't lose talent in the mix, maybe something special will happen. If all Shrek really needed was a dynamite, pre established star like Foster, then maybe Spiderman THE MUSICAL will actually work?

      Here's the thing.... The Director is JULIE TAYMOR who did some amazing shit with Disney's THE LION KING when that went on stage in the late 90's, who also went on to do the "Not great, but not so bad I want to throw my Beatles mug at the T.V." film ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. (Early word is that her two leads in that film Evan Rachel Wood and Jim Sturgess are front runners for Mary Jane and Peter Parker.)
    Then you got original music by U2's Bono and THE EDGE. Not veterans of the Broadway scene, but still pretty interesting combo:

     I don't know though. People thought Boy George and Rosie O'Donnel could pull off that show TABOO, but even Broadway couldn't take that large a level of Homosexuality and it closed faster than a Dentist's office in Waynesville, West Virginia. (Sorry, I saw a resident yokel's teeth in a file photo at work... long story, and again I digress.)

      But still... maybe it could be cool? I don't know about the subtitle though: TURN OFF THE DARK? (Isn't that like.... *ahem* DAYTIME?)

      A lot of this show is under wraps, but I do know that it's going to cost over $30 Million to produce, so it's gonna have to be a success or some heads are gonna roll. Me? I can't wait to find out what some of the musical numbers are gonna be:

                               Opening Number:
    "What Is This Sticky, White Discharge? (Origins song)"

                      Dr. Octopus' Entrance:
    "Eight Arms To Hold You (And Strangle You)"

                         The Sandman's lament:
                   "Life's a Beach (and so am I)"

                            Venom's Song:
        "Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back"

                       Mary Jane's lament:
"My Boyfriend Is A Swinger (But what about me?)"

                                Closing Number:
          "Get Outta My Dreams And Into My Web."

You get the gist. I just don't know. You can put lipstick on a Spiderpig but it's still just a Spiderpig.

Plus, you have to remember... Putting together firecracker talent doesn't always ensure a successful show. Look at the Musical LESTAT based on Anne Rice's Popular INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE books, you remember that show?

Course you don't.

It closed after BARELY a month on Broadway, and THAT sucker had Elton John and Bernie Taupin writing the music. The Rocket Man himself couldn't get that one off the ground.

Never fear though, One day I'll finally bring my One man show,

"What The Dilly, Yo? The Life and Times of John"

to Broadway, and I will single handedly save the industry from implosion:

Hey, a guy can dream, right? Trust me, there are crappier ideas out there. Need proof? Scroll UP and read this blog again.

2:29 PM

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February 25, 2009 - Wednesday

Six Soundtrack Songs
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Here is a creative exercise to see what you can come up with when it
comes to picking a soundtrack for a movie. Who doesn't love movies with
a good soundtrack? Below, I've created SIX movie scene scenarios, along
with my song choices to go along with the scene. Comment with your own song choices, It helps me get to know my peeps...

1. A college student is still grieving the death of his girlfriend,
whom he discovered was cheating on him. (She died in a car wreck as a
passenger in the car her lover was driving) At the funeral, the lover
shows up, arm in a sling and heavily bandaged by the head. The college
student, normally very quiet, goes berserk and lunges at him across the
room. The music upon attack and while they roll around fighting is....

"Fast As You Can" - FIONA APPLE

2. An abused housewife who has taken years of crap from her
deadbeat husband, realizes she doesn't have to live this way. During a
football game her spouse is watching, she begins packing her stuff, the
entire time holding a frying pan nearby. When he realizes she is trying
to leave him, he calmly removes his belt and steps in front of the
door. He barely gets out the words "Where do you think...." when She
clocks him in the face with the pan hardly breaking her stride. He is
out cold as she steps over his body and out the door. The song that
plays her out is...

"Crazy Eights" - TAPES 'N TAPES

3. A married couple kiss goodbye at the train station. The man is an
FBI agent who put away a Wanted Mob hitman for life. As the train pulls
away and waves at his wife, he sees the Hitman's brother, who is still
at large smiling at him from another window. Panic strikes our hero's
face as he tries in vain to chase the train down to stop on foot....
the music propelling his discovery:

"Tahitian Moon" - PORNO FOR PYROS

4. An aspiring teenage writer who discovers at 18 she is adopted, is
mortified to find out that her biological father was a drunk who
abandoned her mother when she was an infant. She is at his home after
news of his death and is morose at the fact she has no connection with
the man. She then discovers books upon books of his journals and sees
that he has written scores of poems. She is slack jawed and becomes
emotional flipping frantically through all of them as the song playing
is....

"Shut Up, I Am Dreaming Of Places Where Lovers Have Wings" - Sunset Rubdown

5. An artistic, quiet girl who is secretly in love with her
cheerleader, Miss popular-type sister's new boyfriend, makes her
move... Her sister and boyfriend are in town for Thanksgiving. With the
sister passed out drunk on the couch after humiliating him and the
family in bed, the quiet girl is showing him the guest room where he
will be sleeping. She suddenly gives in to her urges and pounces on
him, kissing him wildly and clumsily as they collapse on the bed. The
tune we get on this comedic moment:

" I Turn My Camera On" - SPOON

6. A black sheep grandson has taken his grandfather, upon the old man's
insistence, from his death bed at a nursing home. With the rest of the
family in hot pursuit, their road trip ends at Navy Pier in Chicago,
the place the old man wanted his grandson to take him. It is there that
he reveals to his grandson that it was where he met his grandmother,
who has long passed away. He tells him that some memories are worth
revisiting before passing away quietly on the bench they are sitting
on. As the grandson weeps, holding him... the music we hear:

"Try Not To Breathe" - R.E.M.

3:22 AM

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February 22, 2009 - Sunday

*Peeks head out from obscurity* HELLO! (Updated with YOUR advice.)
Category: Blogging

Hi.

It's been awhile. It's funny how time flies when you're having fun. Also when you take speed, but that's only from what I heard, not personal experience.

I digress.

Since my absence, I've completed a successful run of my first play performance in over a decade and have made fast friends I wish I had met before.

The acting bug has spread it's nom nom list to the rest of the family too. BOTH my wife Jenni and son Alex are going to be in a production of a "The Twilight Zone's THE MONSTERS ARE DUE ON MAPLE STREET." Look it up on YouTube if you have never seen the episode. It's being put on by Forth Worth's BUTTERFLY CONNECTION. I'm very proud of those two. We're gonna be a regular Von Trapp Family, minus the Nazi's.

Also....

I've lost FORTY BLOG readers. So much for patience.

I figure the best way to gauge who's still here hopefully noticing I'm back, is for another round of....

Quite simply, if you feel you need any advisement, post your question
in comment form on this blog as "Dear John & Cock," and I will do
my best to impart some of my wisdom and experience to help you in virtually any category.
     We make Dear Abby look like advice from Dr. Phil after a Kentucky Bourbon bender. John & his cock are here to help.

Some
examples (note, these are portions of actual emails I've received at
one time or another, only slightly edited to fit the Ask John format) :

**********************************
Dear John & Cock,


I am a 22 year old waitress who is majoring in Political Science while
I work part time. The problem is, people are not taking me seriously
when I discuss the upcoming 2008 election due to my youth. How do I
convince them I know my stuff so they will begin to value my opinion?

                                                   -Frustrated in Queens, N.Y.

Dear Frustrated,
  John:

Go to Ebay and see if you can find a 1992 Ross Perot campaign t-shirt.
(My personal fav is the ROSS FOR BOSS in '92 on White Cotton T.) It's a
great icebreaker, and it can open the doors for some serious discussion!

Cock:

Next time someone dismisses you due to your youth, punch them in the
throat. While they gag and spit on their knees, nudge them with
your foot until they 'tump' over. Make sure you bookend that with the
following statement: "Go to bed old man(woman!)" Dear John & Cock,


My 14 year old son is dating now, and I'm afraid of talking to him
about sex. I'm a single mom and his father is not the best role model.
I don't want to be a grandmother at 35! Please help!

                                           -Worried in Plano, Tx.
Dear Worried, John:

It's never a comfortable subject to have to bring up with your kids,
and although it would have helped to bring this up when he was
younger, (around 11 or 12) I think maybe using family for help, like
maybe your father or do some talk to some friends who may have had
similar issues. Draw on your experience and don't ever be afraid to
talk to your kids.

Cock:

Introduce your son to the world of David Lynch movies. Start with 'Blue
Velvet' and make sure 'Eraserhead' is in there somewhere. As soon as
the credits roll on 'Mulholland Dr.' He'll be so confused that sex will
be the last thing on his mind. If that doesn't work, just GOOGLE
'Herpes' on Google images and let him feast his eyes on that
schlong-shriveling nightmare.

If you want to read the first two columns in full, click HERE and HERE. BUT! Be sure to leave your comments on THIS blog! We look forward to hearing from you and as always... No wagering please.

By
the way, for all of you who email me telling me they LOVE this column,
you humble me, but if you want to help a brother out, PIMP THIS BLOG
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clicking the HTML code in the box below and posting a bulletin or
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January 31, 2009 - Saturday

The craftiest Political move I have seen in a LONG time.
Category: News and Politics

Genius.

    There is no other word to describe the latest Move by the Obama Administration.

     Republicans were ready to scoff and keep a close eye on Obama's promise that he would "reach across the aisle" and make a bi-partisan effort. They wanted to ridicule and knock down his most defining catchphrase, "There's not a liberal America and a conservative America; There's a United States Of America." Surely the hypocrisy would rear it's head soon?

    Instead, President Obama is planning on tapping REPUBLICAN Senator of New Hampshire, Judd Gregg for the post of Commerce Secretary, since Democratic Governor Bill Richardson had to drop out due to scandal.

Pure... Pure genius.

Why?

Not only is the President backing his claim of stocking his cabinet with a "team of rivals." He is also going to end up getting a Filibuster proof Senate. How? New Hampshire's Governor is a Democrat, and HE gets to appoint the vacant Senate seat should Gregg decide to become Commerce Secretary. (Let's hope he's not trying to sell it, or course.)

(Here's a picture of Sen. Judd Gregg and a worried, fat cat Republican with what can only be described as a "Turkey neck of panic.")

    I know what you're thinking. "JOHN! You forgot the whole Al Franken thing hasn't been settled yet!" C'mon, you know how that's gonna turn out. Franken will be confirmed, Gregg will take the job the President is offering, and this Country will finally be able to EVOLVE by passing legislation without REAL hipocrites and morons holding it up.

       It's times like this that makes me believe President Obama is amazing at Chess.

    You would think with things like the Blagojevich Scandal, The Republicans would have some clear paths and strong ideas on a Phoenix like rise from the GOP ashes.

     Instead, they decided go with an unbelievably pandering move that rivals the McCain campaigns decision to put Palin on the ticket to get woman votes. As I said once before, the GOP's short sighted, sexist idea was, "Palin has a vagina too! You disillusioned women can now come out of the kitchen long enough to vote for McCain instead of the scary black man!"

     It was a hilarious oversight, and I thought they would of learned their lesson. Instead, this is who they elected as the new head of the National Republican Committee :

Former Lt. Governor of Maryland, Michael Steele.

    Again, uncannily, I know what you're thinking again. "JOHN! Why would you assume that the Republicans are only appointing a black man as head of the RNC to pander to African Americans? Did you ever think he may actually be the most qualified?"

     Well, I would look at it that way if Steele wasn't one of the most Moderate Republican's out there. Hell, he's even rallied against the path of Social Conservatives for a long time. You can't convince me the deciding factor to begrudgingly put him at the head of the table wasn't because he is African American.

     Hey, it's fine with me. They want to keep making idiotic, lazy moves, I'm all for it. My abs get a great workout from the belly laughs.

9:34 PM

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January 29, 2009 - Thursday

The rumors are true.... I WILL be wearing a Members Only jacket in ACT II
Category: Blogging

Well... this is it.

   After rehearsals, Tech runs, Frizzy hair, tons of aquanet and tears... (And that's just from ME) The show is here and it premieres TOMORROW.

    John will be transformed into "Sam the Pickleman" for 9 Shows and I hope whoever you are out there, you can make it out! It's been a long time since I've acted onstage and everyone has been amazingly kind and patient with me. ("Be upstage more?" "Make myself more Open?" *Making puppy dog, sideways-curious glance.)

    The details are below, and I hope you can come out, cause it's most likely going to be another decade before I ever do this again.

Crossing Delancey

By Susan Sadler

Directed by Amanda Lindsey

January 30th - February 15th 2009

Showtimes: Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm, Sundays at 3pm Ticket Prices: $15 for adults, $12 for Students and Senior Citizens Runway Theater
215 North Dooley Street
Grapevine, Texas 76051
(817)488-4842

WWW.RunwayTheatre.Com

This
character-driven romantic comedy revolves around a New York Citywoman
forced to choose between suitors and cultures. Isabelle is
athirty-something Jewish woman trying to find love in modern times.
Herwell-meaning and sharp-witted "Bubbie" hoodwinks her into pursuing
theadvice of a matchmaker. Izzy is torn between Tyler, a
handsome,self-centered author, and Sam, a no-frills, traditional pickle
shopowner who would draw her back to her family's faith.

STARRING:
Izzy: Melissa M. Hurta
Bubbie: Katrena Jonas-O'Tool
Sam: John Esquivel
Hannah: Misty Baptiste
Tyler: Brock Klein

Rated PG

3:05 PM

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January 20, 2009 - Tuesday

When an Inauguration is the end of a Nightmare and the beginning of a Dream come true.
Category: News and Politics

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

     On November 3rd, 2004 at around 6pm, I was sitting in a booth with my wife at a bar. I was slowly turning my cocktail napkin into a type of uncelebratory confetti and drinking my weight in beer.
     Jenni was fighting back tears and I was avoiding looking at the bar's T.V.'s for fear of flinging my mug at Bush's smug face. For the first time in my life, I wished they had turned the channels back to ESPN.

     How could this of happened? How could the Country not figure out after four years that this Emperor had no clothes? I was not entirely sold on John Kerry, but I felt it was time to get back on track right away. It didn't happen. The Country caved into fear, the idea of not changing a horse midstream was the easiest, less stressful thing to understand. People were afraid to take a chance.

Now I know why.

     Today, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of The United States. Some are mocking the idea that people are assuming that the second he finishes taking the oath, Rainbows will appear over America, 401K's will be magically restored, People without jobs will be working on Wednesday and Ryan Seacrest will have talent.

     But of course that's not the case. But what is the case is a weight off the chest of over 60% of Americans who had lost faith in the President. What is the case is that Obama as President is not an instant fix to our ailing Nation, but it is the start of healing an eight year old wound. A wound that was neglected by the Bush administration. That's going to take time.

     There has been lazy reporting on the 24 hour news channels discussing if Obama's election is the wonderful fulfillment of Dr. King's dream. The first thing I could think of was the quote from him above. Dr. King would be celebratory, but he would be patient. An Eighty year old man he would be if alive today and yet, I can guarantee he would be an active buzz in Obama's ear during his time in office to make sure that dream was fulfilled.

      People need to remember the most remarkable thing about Barack Obama and the real reason it was important to get him in office.

For me it wasn't the oration.
It was the organization.

    The way his campaign was run was a remarkable mixture of patience, compromise, cool headedness, and a utilization of volunteers and media that has never been seen before. This is what got people to pay attention. The speeches are what locked them in, but what good is it if you can't gather the crowd first?

      Watching his monumental win in Iowa, I knew that I was no longer on the fence and I shortly decided it was Obama I wanted for President. Imagine the application of this tight ship that got him here running the Country. Think of the actual meaning of the word HOPE. Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to circumstances and events in one's life.

Hope is what the Country still had when Obama came on the scene. It was that tiny shred of Optimism that he expanded on, and he not only made us believe in a young, Junior Senator of Illinois, he made us believe that there is a possibility of a brighter future. That all was not lost.

    Detractors may scoff and judge him as doomed to fail, but it has been proven that a dark, gloomy outcome with almost certain failure can always have the possibility of surprising you.

   Just ask the passengers of U.S. Airways Flight 1549

When you have the right person at
the controls, miracles are possible.

I supported Barack Obama's campaign, I donated money, had meetings at my house, made some phone calls and wrote some blogs. But now it's time for him to work for me. The good news is, for the first time I'm optimistic.
There is a phrase thrown around, "Obama has to hit the ground running." I disagree. It was never the Obama style to do that. A jog, then a sprint, then on to a fantastic finish. I have that patience, because it was that patience that got him to a Democratic Nomination victory and it is that patience that will help him to make this a Country I can be proud of again.

      I have a President who I can say with a straight face is "My President." I have a President who I know is going to roll up his sleeves, but not to clear brush on his millionth vacation at a Crawford, Texas ranch, but to clear out years of failed legislation.
I have a President who will reach out and repair relationships with other Nations who have all but written us off as an arrogant, macho posturing Country. I have a President who knows the experience and struggle of the working class who still hold onto the near illusion of the American Dream.

       Thanks to a Supervisor that knows the meaning of this for me, I get to stay home and watch the Inaguration with my family. My son Alex is "sick" today. There is no way I'm gambling that the Texas Public School he's in will be letting him enjoy this Historical moment.

     I hope everyone has a great and inspired day today. This time, If I drink, I will be drinking in celebration.

Congratulations President Barack Obama.

P.S. Is there ANY cherry on top that is sweeter than THIS:

2:46 PM

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January 19, 2009 - Monday

Show me! Show YOU!
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I should be blogging about something with substance....

I mean... it IS Martin Luther King Day, we are on the eve of a monumental inauguration of our 44th President of The United States...

But I can't stop laughing at this... by far THE BEST Commercial I have ever seen. The U.S. needs to step up in it's quality of advertising. Is it the fact that it's almost two minutes long? Is it the inexplicable suicide that comes out of nowhere? The sheer hilarity that it's shilling SOY SAUCE? The answer my friends, is a simple, but resounding "Yes."

If you're not singing "SHOW ME! SHOW YOU!" for the rest of the day, then you're sense of humor needs an upgrade.

Trust me... something of more substance to follow....

Currently reading:
The Joys of Engrish
By Steve Caires

2:57 PM

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The John Blog

John Esquivel

Last Updated: 3/17/2009

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State: Texas

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