I'm Melissa. I'm 19 years old and I'm from Australia. My life began in a small hospital with a small family. It was my mum, dad, sister and me at the time. From the get go I never fit in. My sister was always in the way to me that she still is to this day – when I'd speak, she would jump in and start talking louder than me. I was quickly pushed back to the "far end" of the family. Three years into my life I had a new brother and sister. All of my folks were delighted. They were perfect kids, and here I was, an outcast. I was always a tomboy, always different from my family. I knew that from a young age.
I spent most of my childhood trying to be part of the family, or at least trying to be seen. When all else failed, I turned to people who at the time I called my "friends". They were quick to "love" me and even quicker got me addicted to the fast lane of sex, drugs, and aggressive, abusive, teen anger music.
I felt like I was invisible. I didn't need my folks anymore, I didn't need my real friends. I was too busy being with the wrong crowd. I fell into a deep spiral of depression. The drugs became more frequent and the drinking got heavier. I became a shadow to my family. I saw how much they hated me, so I used to sit in the school bathroom and try to kill myself. I could never do it; I would freeze up. I remember one day my friend and I sat here with a shoebox of pills we had been collecting. We took them all. I remember my friend passed out but I never did. I sat there watching her all day until finally she came to.
That day really opened my eyes. "No more pills," we both said. But we still drank, did drugs and all that crap. People often said, "Ignore them, they are trying to get attention," but they didn't bother to help. Looking back now I know I was trying to get help because I didn't get it from home, and I didn't get it from friends. I needed to be loved but no one wanted to love me back. I was different; it was too hard for them to love me.
I gave in around the age of 17. I'd always gone to church because my folks made me, but after a while I started going because I wanted to. I made better friends and started to clean up my life. Life just started to make sense and I found it was worth living.
I don't go to church anymore because I'm gay, but I have made some friends who still help me get through it. I'm not better, but I'm getting there. After the rain there is always a rainbow. That quote always helps me get through each day.
I'm not better, but I'm getting there a little more each day. :)
XOXO
Mel
http://www.myspace.com/luv_is_luv_4eva
