peter and i made it to texas last night around 11. we are safe and sound so my mom can now stop worrying. we stopped at taco cabana in greenville (the first one we saw). 12 1/2 hours in a car can be kind of long. especially the 2-3 hours it takes to get from taxarkana to denton/dallas. one of two things can happen. you can either have a strong desire to jump out of the car no matter what speed you are travling at, or, you can talk to your spouse (or car riding associate). peter and i decided to talk.

we talked alot about high school and youth group and five iron frenzy. something happened in this conversation. something starting stirring in me. something that has been wanting to happen, but i have put off for quite a while. God began tugging and pulling and pushing. its strange however, i'm not being pushed to a certain place. i'm just being pushed to investigate... find out what i am supposed to do. peter asked me a question, "what makes you mad?" my response kind of surprised me, because i actually got mad. once i started, i couldn't stop. i just let it go. i got it out. for once, i admitted that due to the mistakes of others (and myself), i have given up on my pursuit of the will of God. in short, growing a woman in baptist church who had been told repeatedly that God  had "big plans" just to be told that i would "be a pastor's wife." while that is a great endevor, and very admirable (my sister in law in a pastor's wife, and she is an incredible woman whom i admire and love immensely), i felt that God had something else in store for me, just for it to twarted, in my mind at least. i gave up. i decided that if my work for God was depenedent on what my husband would do... why try?

i know this is quite long, but i thought i would breifly list my gripes with the church (at least the american version):

1) Christian catch phrases (ie. doing life with God, being a Jesus follower, etc)
2) the chosen ignorance of church members. we, in the church, have decided to ignore that idea that there may actually defects with in the body of Christ. we have chosen to ignore things like mental illness. we have decided that there is no such thing as depression or bi polar disorder or others (that i can't spell).
3) we talk a good game about helping our communities, but we refuse to actually help unless there is a camera or some sort of recognition.
4) we have no sense of socail justice. we rally around the idea of abolishing abortion, but demand the heads and lives of criminals.

these of course are just a few. i am being pushed, pulled, tugged. these things must change and i must be a catalyst in this chaange, but i don't know how.

i pray that it is not too late. i pray that we, christians, have not completely destroyed that reputation of Christ. i pray and beg that we can change this.

Ray Morales died at 4:15pm on Feb 2, 2008. He left behind 3 three and wife, all of which he loved very much. He left behind memories and laughter.

I dont understand why this happened, but I am starting to finally understand that it did. It hurts.

If you're the praying kind, please pray for my family. We are in desperate need of some. Pray for his children. Pray for his wife. Pray for his mother.

i have been thinking a lot. well, as much as possible. many things have changed in the past several months. peter and i have both changed jobs and sleeping schedules, we have almost lost our house, we have spent a few nights (and days) in the dark and i at some point realized that i have become (sometime ago) a bitter asshole. i know, i know, its hard to believe. but, i have.

i want you to know that i am trying to change this. i am not sure how i will manage to get over petty anger or hurt feelings. i am not sure when i will stop harboring feelings for people that really have nothing to do with me at all. i am at some point going to stop fighting other people's battles, because sometimes, its just not worth fighting.

so basically, i'm saying i'm sorry. to anyone who feels like i forgot about them or stoped liking them for whatever reason. its probably true, but i am trying to get over it and i was wondering if you would help me.

in honor of fall, here are a few things i would like to buy (or have purchased for me)

thats it for now, but i mean. you get the idea.

its fall people! time for target, old navy, gap, or anywhere else that sells cute clothes.

anyone game for shopping?

this is my prayer for you.

I pray that you will always find joy. Even when all bets are off, your days are gray and filled storms, I pray that you will find joy in these moments and realize that in these moments, you thrive.

I pray that you will never have too much. I hope that in your life, you encounter loss and need so that you are better able to understand when others around you have struggles.

I pray that you are never too careful. I pray that in your everyday, you can say that in each moment you took a risk.

I pray that you will never grow to tired to laugh, cry, scream, or sing.

I pray that no matter how old you get, you can still turn on your favorite song and smile.

I pray that you will always remember you are loved. Even when it seems that the whole world has it out for you or that your closest friend has left, I hope that you can turn around and see me there.

I pray that you never stop acting like a child. I hope that your faith and temper resemble that of a child. I hope that when you don't get your way you can feel alright about screaming for five minutes, but forgetting about it afterward.

I pray that you never work too hard. I wish that your life could be full of moments are happiness instead of time cards and bank statements.

I pray that you will be full of richness. Richness like a chocolate cake, not like a Walstreet tycoon. I pray that the ingredients of your life have enabled you to rise in heated situations, but also kept your center soft and sweet.

But above all else, I pray your faith remain strong, your spirit remain peaceful, you heart remain soft, your laughter remain abundant, your tears remain many, your joy abound, your pockets remain full, and your life remain full. I pray that at the end of your days, when you cross of the threshhold from death to life that you are carried by your Creator and that you can say " I lived."

i think its safe to say, i've given up.

from now on, i could not really care less.

last night was my first of eight days off. it was a mighty great start, i must say. i slept forever....then got up around... 6. thats PM kids. peter and i hung out at the house all night. i know none of you care.

but i must say, Hot Fuzz is freaking hilarious. i think from now, i will only be watching british movies for a while. i mean, come on. wonderful!

also, the number 23 wasnt bad either. creepy.

ok.

fin

Just thought i would post a few random things.

first....

Also, i promised some pictures of a few of the dolls i've made (by hand that is) so here they are

bunny rabbit for my neice.

one of my favorites. it was eaten by my dogs a few minutes after i made it :(

and this is Hank. he is the latest doll i've made... he belongs to Jonas now.

well, thats all i have to say at the moment, but if you want me to make you a doll lemme know. :)