Last week, the Boulevard Drive-In (1051 Merriam Lane, Kansas City, KS, 913-262-0392) was showing Grindhouse. This week, in a JohnTV-grade display of bad judgement, they've changed the bill to Blades of Glory and Wild Hogs.

There's only one advantage to seeing either of those god damn movies at the drive-in: Demonstrating your cinematic antipathy by putting your car in neutral, revving the engine as high as it will go, followed by "dropping" into gear and peeling away in a dusty cloud of critical approbation*. Alternatively, the result could be an explosion in your undercarriage. No, I mean literally, not the JohnTV kind of undercarriage explosion.

Click to continue reading This is the Weekend That Will Be

Due to some editorial guidance about what's popular on the Internet – and a new ontological approach to list compilation favored by a splinter group of "punk" librarians from the cataloging scene in Portland, Oregon -- we've put together the following list of weekend events and cute baby animals.

1) A PUPPY DRESSED LIKE POOH BEAR: Sweet Jesus, that's adorable.

2) FRIDAY: Late-night Lebowski at Screenland (1656 Washington, 816-421-2900). Wouldn't it be really excellent to write a blurb about this 9:45 p.m. screening that incorporates lots of quotes from the film? Somebody should get on that. The Big Lebowski is one of the most quotable films of the last decade. On the other hand, thanks to a couple of generations of Python pedants whose avocation is obsessively quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I can barely watch that one anymore. So my new policy is to shut the hell up about movies I like. Wait – my new policy is you shutting the hell up about the movies I like. I'll post it in the breakroom.

3) A BABY ELEPHANT: That is some cute-ass shit.

4) SATURDAY: "Country Pickin' and Good Old Gospel" At the Chestnut Fine Arts Center (234 N. Chestnut, Olathe, 913-764-2121). In the small fishing village where I grew up, we didn't have much. We had our lobster pot, a television with missing knobs and a pair of pliers we used to change the channel on the television. We called it "the remote," and every Saturday night, we'd boil up a pot of lobsters and use it to crack open the claws while watching Hee Haw.

Some people enjoyed Hee Haw for its irreverent hillbilly-based comedy sketches, but since our house didn't have any lead-based paint on the walls, we grew up with normal IQs. Instead, we watched it for the music. The "Country Pickin' and Good Old Gospel" shows promise country music, "rock-the-house gospel," and something they call "amazing patriotic tunes." Country and gospel go together like graham crackers and vanilla frosting. Why is that?

 5) KITTENS INSIDE COFFEE MUGS: As we like to imagine Steven Seagal might say, "You can take that to the bank... the kitten bank."

6) SUNDAY: Sea Lion Feedings at the Kansas City Zoo (63rd & Swope Park, 816-513-5700) at 2:30 p.m. Yeah, they're cute. But not as cute as...

 7) A BABY RHINOCEROUS: If he were wearing footy-pajamas, this picture would probably kill you – with cuteness!

 8) SUNDAY: Crowns at Park University (8700 NW River Park Drive, 816-531-7529). Pitch theater critic Alan Scherstuhl had some mighty favorable things to say about this Unicorn Theater production last year, and he doesn't even like hats. Did we mention something earlier about gospel music being like the frosting half of a graham cracker with frosting? Well, this gospel-heavy production is like sitting down to a whole can of vanilla frosting. Actually, I don't mean that to sound as bad as it does.

9) BABY HEDGEHOGS. Easily concealed cute bombs. Won't set off airport metal detectors.

Have a great weekend – and if you have to drink, please get into a car and drive very quickly.

-- Chris Packham

     It's hard to shop for produce with someone who doesn't think he likes most fruits and vegetables. Yet, somehow, all the fresh lettuce and broccoli on display at City Market last weekend created an insatiable salad craving in even my fast food junkie of a boyfriend. (We would have brought our lettuce-eating dog, too, but City Market has banned his species from the premises.) I know City Market offers a farmers market all year. But until it's real sunny and warm outside, I tend to buy my veggies in the flourescent glory of a supermarket.

     Most of the vendors at City Market on Sunday were peddling the same stuff at insanely cheap prices. Whole cartons of strawberries and tomatoes (roma or grape) went for just a buck. I did find it necessary, however, to carefully inspect the cartons for freshness. I guess there's a reason it's always so cold in the grocery store's produce department, although that doesn't always ensure freshness, either. I'm pretty sure the things we brought home  – lettuce, broccoli, tomatoes, potatoes and strawberries – aren't organic or anything. And, frankly, they don't taste any better than what I usually pick up at Sun Fresh. We'll keep shopping at farmers markets, though, even when the summer sun increases the rate at which food decomposes in the bins. It's just more fun to saunter from vendor to vendor, discovering coolers full of strange Asian drinks (white gourd juice?) along the way.

-- Crystal K. Wiebe

I won't have time to do anything this weekend, with my big pitch to Nickelodeon coming up on Monday. So it's all up to you to get out and do stuff. As a committed, life-long Objectivist, I get annoyed whenever political season rolls around. Blah blah poor people, blah blah sick babies. People, when everyone has health care, Darwinism won't work. So, I've been exploring new concepts for advancing Ayn Rand's philosophy into the next generation. It's not as hard as it sounds: kids really want to think of nothing but themselves.

My pitch is a show called Fountainhead Babies. Plot: Li'l Howard Roarke is trying to design a backyard fort with his best friend, Baby Dominique, who is always letting Li'l Howard beat her up. But the neighborhood bully, Diminutive Peter Keating, is always stealing Li'l Howard's ideas. We're negotiating with Canadian rock band Rush to provide the theme song. Originally, I was going to pitch my series idea to the Cartoon Network, but one of the programming VPs told me that my concept didn't have enough "stoner humor." If Nickelodeon passes on it, I plan to add a Taco Bell-loving dinosaur character with bloodshot eyes.

EVERYONE LOVES PLEDGE DRIVES

Another committed Objectivist? Robert Moore, the host of KCUR's Sonic Spectrum. With Saturday's annual fund-raising show, he's appealing to your sense of rational self-interest, insofar as your rational self-interest involves supporting really awesome music. Although, you'd think he'd play more Rush 2112, considering the lyrical connection to Tom Clancy's Ayn Rand's Anthem. Call in, pledge some money. Demand a tote bag.

I listen to Sonic Spectrum  just about every Saturday while I'm driving around town distributing my pro-eugenics literature, and it just doesn't seem like the weekend unless I've heard some Broken Social Scene. Incidentally, Moore also spreads the word about Saturday Night's Sonic Spectrum Live at the Bottleneck (737 New Hampshire Street, Lawrence, 785-841-5483). He appears with In the Pines and American Catastrophe, and autographs copies of Atlas Shrugged.

FREE MOVIES

Just like Ayn Rand's narrative sock-puppet Howard Roarke and his ideologically aligned fictional doppelganger John Galt, I want what I want, and I don't compromise in order to get it. Particularly the kind of compromise that involves the exchange of cash for goods or services. This isn't really a statement of principle. More of a reflection on my income bracket. In keeping with my fondness for free events, I'm attending the free Sunday Cinema Science Fiction screening at the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art (4420 Warwick Boulevard). Sunday at 2 p.m., they're showing the 1958 Space Children.

PIT POETRY READING

Prospero's Books (1800 W. 39th Street) hosts an "art party" on Sunday, with readings by five local poets, acoustic music, an art exhibition and celebrity impersonations of Ayn Rand and Alan Greenspan (note: I might be wrong about that last one). Free altruism-free refreshments, and the best kind of smarty-pants fun. The evening kicks off at 7:30.

Now, if anyone would like to write to me with advice about how to get the synthesizer part from "Tom Sawyer" to stop playing repeatedly in my head, I'm open to suggestions.

--Chris Packham

--You know how 96.5 The Buzz takes a few songs from the ´90s and plays them over and over and over? Lately, every time I turn on the supposedly modern rock radio station, it's "Popular" by Nada Surf. I don't have a problem with Nada Surf, but there's a good chance they don't play that song much themselves, anymore. It doesn't really go with their newer, gentler, more melodic style. But there's a guy playing at the Pistol Social Club tonight whose style is "Popular" all the way. Brendan Fowler, aka Barr, rambles poetically and self-consciously over simple beats. He's on the same label as Deerhoof, so it makes sense that he's kind of an art rocker.

--In case you thought all the green everywhere was an optical illusion, let us remind you that Saturday is St. Patrick's Day. This means you have license to celebrate your Irish heritage (even if you don't have any) by chugging green beer from the moment you wake up until whenever you collapse in a puky green heap (about noon). Try to stay sober long enough to enjoy the St. Patrick's Day parade, which starts at 11 a.m., and will disrupt the flow of traffic downtown for about three hours.

--We heard it might get warm again on Sunday, in which case it would be a good time to go for a walk. Fresh air will make your hangover go away, we promise. And if you go to the Overland Park Aboretum, you can probably hang out under a tree that will shade your eyes from the evil sun. Or: If you celebrated St. Paddy's Day responsibly with some leprechaun-size kids, take them to the zoo today. If they annoy you, feed them to the lions. The Africa section is now open.

I didn't take a camera to the St. Patrick's Day parade in Brookside (blame it on the head cold that had me sprawled out on the couch for the rest of that day). But here are a few of the highlights I observed from my spot on the crowded sidewalk:

n     A teenage "mermaid" wearing a tiara and rolling through the parade in one of those electric scooters the elderly use to buzz around Wal-Mart.

n     About 10 million dogs. Seriously, the parade might as well just be advertised as a dog parade, considering packs of canines and their smiling owners made up about half the walking entries. The most comical of these was a group of 20 or more bassett hounds. That's about the laziest dog breed I can think of, so I can't imagine they all survived the walk. A fat bassett next to me didn't even walk to the parade. Its owner dragged it there in a wagon.

n     A brown-suited man in a bowler hat blowing the tin whistle in the Bloomsday Books band. Oh, wait. That was Pitch Music Editor Jason Harper. (And he did a fine job.)

If you attended the parade and have photos, please send them to calendar{@}pitch.com.

-- Crystal K. Wiebe

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, this weekend will be trying to support itself on one 24-hour day and one 23-hour day, like a man with two differently-sized legs. That man can just wear special orthopedic shoes to compensate. Or, he can try standing on some sort of incline. But you? You'll have to get to work an hour earlier than usual on Monday morning. I recommend sneaking out of work an hour earlier today. Here's my list of suggestions for this 47-hour weekend:

We've written about the Improvabilities in Night&Day before – they're a fine local improv group, and they bring  their March Madhouse revue to the Lucky Brewgrille (5401 Johnson Drive, Mission, 913-403-8571). That would be a Saturday Night event. It also appears to be an all-ages show, which means none of the dangerous, antibiotic-resistant strains of cussing.

On Sunday afternoons at 2 p.m., the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art (4420 Warwick Blvd., 816-753-5784) has been screening classic science fiction films. This weekend, check out Donovan's Brain. Y'know how movie scientists like to tamper with the elemental forces of nature, drawing down unexpected and unforeseen consequences, and occasionally the wrath of their department chairs? Donovan's Brain is like that. A scientist decides to artificially prolong the life of a disembodied, but functioning brain. So it's kind of like the opposite of Terry Schaivo. The screenings are free.

Many local galleries have current exhibitions in conjunction with the 36^th annual conference of the Southern Graphics Council. I never finished college, and I'm not an authority on the print-making arts, so I'm prevailing on the smartest animal in the woods, Professor Owl. He's an owl who wears a mortarboard in order to demonstrate his Candidatus Philologiae in mathematics from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology. But he also has a Bachelor's from a small midwestern liberal arts college, so he's totally grounded in the visual arts. Also, his Tourette's syndrome tends to manifest as chicken noises, so let's all try to be adults about it:

"B-GAWK! Hello, young patrons of the arts! The Southern Graphics Council promotes public awareness of the arts of printmaking, hand-made paper, books, and drawings. This week, printmaker Emeritus Karen Kunc exhibits a career survey of her work at the Leedy-Voulkos Art Center (2012 Baltimore, 816-474-1919). Meanwhile, the Bakery (517 East 18th Street, 816-283-3338) continues the 8½ x 11 Show, a group exhibit of prints on standard 8½" x 11" sheets of paper. Besides a display of Jasper Johns prints, the Belger (2100 Walnut Street, 816-474-3250) has The Prints of Wales, a group show by 10 Welsh printmakers. These and other amazing, world-class exhibits run through March. BAWK-B-GAWK!"

Be sure to check out the Wayward Blog in case Jason Harper decides to recommend any music this weekend. And you can find hundreds more events at the Pitch. Seacrest out.

 -- Chris Packham

To a broke-ass hipster couple, dinner at a classy joint like Café Trio might seem a bit out of reach. But, as I recently learned, the Café is willing to help us cheapskates spring once in a while.

Here's how to get in on the charity: Join the mailing list at www.cafetriokc.com. Just for signing up, you'll get a $10 gift certificate in the snail mail. Then, in your birthday month, you'll get a coupon for a free entrée. And at Café Trio, free means free. You can order anything, even the entrees that reach into the $25 range. Not a bad deal for submitting to a weekly e-mail that also alerts you to other bargains.

Like Wednesday nights, when appetizers and martinis go for $5. That was the case when the BF and I rolled in to redeem my birthday certificate. I admit we felt a little slimy when I ordered the stuffed tilapia, and he only got an $11 pizza. Our server even gave us a teasing look that implied we'd better at least tip her well. (We did.) She didn't offer me any chocolate cake, but I heard from another friend that's usually part of the birthday deal, too. I'm not complaining, though. The last time I ate a $25 meal all by myself was… Oh, wait. That's never happened.