Captain's log.  Day 9.  Las Vegas, NV to Hollywood, CA.

Soundtrack: David Bowie, Joy Division, The Cure

No sound track, we were feeling melancholy as it was the end of the road.

Oh my god I'm moving to Las Vegas... Girls, Girls, Girls! Even walking across the foyer at the Hard Rock Hotel a girl wearing two band-aids and a napkin whispered 'hey sexy' to me. I haven't had anyone say that to me since I was mistaken for Kieth Richards back in the 70s!

If I hadn't been a mummy I would have become a pimp in Vegas 'That aint working, thats the way to do it, money for nothin and chicks for free' as the song goes!

So we had a big V.I.P night out on the strip thanks to my real friends Christina and Jordan, they pulled a few strings (not mine) for us.

This morning my bandages are serving a purpose, keeping my fried brain from falling out of my nose!

Things were looking rosy. The car had been parked all night at the entrance to the Hard Rock hotel, because it looks like it belongs there. We packed ready to head for L.A, our final leg. Jeff (my friend who is no longer real) went to start the engine.  Click, click, click... but nothing happened. We had a sea of silicone standing around ready to wave us off. Can you imagine the embarressment? (this was the first time I was glad to be in the back!) I managed to squeeze down low and became almost invisible, I want to be able to come back to this hotel, unlike the two uncool jokers up front!

After the breakdown vehicle had left we finally drove off. The plan was to go to the Emmy's party in LA that night with the Duran Duran boys, but the desert was hot and the car decided to dump the last of its remaining fluid, which meant we had to stop. We arrived too late for the party.  Never mind, when we pulled up at the Chateau Marmont, we had a nice welcoming party. Anastasia (my real wife); Christina and Jordan, Christopher (my hair and make up artist); Carol, Kate and some others whose names I didnt catch.

We made it! Against all odds we made it!

Cheers!

Captain's Log. Day 10. Los Angeles.  Last day...

Well, this is it.  We've run out of road.  I jut rolled up my bandages and dipped my bones in the Pacific Ocean.  3,500 miles, 55 quarts of oil and 15 bottles of Jack Daniels later I have been dragged across America.  I would like to say that there has been some highs and some lows, but from where I sit it's mostly been 'lows': I was thrown into the back of an old car, forced to listen to the music I don't like, nothing to do but stare at the back of two blocks heads (who talk more dribble that a TV Evangelist!), I've been locked in a truck, I've been put in a case and checked into the hold of a plane, left half in and half-out of a room safe; forced to hang from the shelf of the fridge for the whole night, left for hours on end in a hot car with the windows up; and finally, in Nashville I was made to dance with a cowboy.

Despite all this abuse, a small part of me (don't forget, I'm only small) will miss Jeff (the other puppet), the guy who pulls my strings, and of course, the star of the show, 'Bird' (the car).  I hope you've enjoyed some of my verbal diarrhoea.  At least now, I have lots more friends to annoy. 

Cheers! (till next time)  

Captain's log. Day 8. Winslow, AZ – Las Vegas, NV

Soundtrack: 1977 Punk Mix, The Clash, Crabone Silicone (guess, a bit of a tribute to my friend Mick Jones day today)

Woke up at 8am, just left the key in the door, feeling lucky to have survived Earl and his murderous lodge.  We had breakfast in Flagstaff, AZ, a very picturesque mountain town where we were hoping to get something good to eat.  We weren't disappointed: Jeff ordered  Huevos Rancheros that was bigger than his head.  At one point, I actually thought the Huevos might win, but of course, it was never going to happen.  Jeff stalked it and went for the kill, it was a bloody mess!..

On the way to Grand Canyon, we stopped to gas up and came across a modern day Robin Hood.  He wasn't taking from the rich and giving to the poor, but he had killed an elk with a bow and arrow.  Most people were impressed with the show of testosterone but not me, I had just  seen Jeff hunt and gather an egg breakfast like a stealth assassin.

The Grand Canyon is one big hole in the ground, I can tell you.  They made me walk on a path next to a sheer drop to the Colorado River, miles below… (my bandages were not on the list of appropriate footwear, so I'm quite lucky to still be alive!).  One thing I noticed was a sort of a new age souvenir shop selling wind chimes, dream catchers and CDs of Enya (and even a dummy mummy knows you should never play or sell Enya's CDs next to a precarious sheer drop!)  Bet you, they must be hosing poor suicidal buggers off those rocks all day.

Next stop is Las Vegas.  We are nearly done on this trip.  If I had a tear in my head I would be starting to feel a bit weepy myself right now….

Cheers,

Captain's log. Day 7. Tumacacori, NM - Winslow, AZ

Sound track: Van Morrison and A Talking Book

Woke up in a daze. The bottle of JD I had bought in a gas station from a nice lady with a badge of her granddaughter on her blouse was empty!  How could that be?  It must have had a dodgy cap...  I went outside to find my now half-pupper friend Jeff with the car door in pieces on the floor.  Chuck was on the speakerphone talking him through whatever it was that Jeff was doing.  To me it looked like he was delivering a baby.

Every time we stop, people shout 'How old is it?' which is very confusing because if they mean the car (or the two jokers in the front for that matter) the anwer is 1959.  But if they mean me - the answer is 2000 years B.C.  People look puzzled when I shout that back: apparently, there is something about the front grill not being quite right for 2000 B.C.

We stopped in Albuquerque for lubrication (my hips are much better now) and some New Mexican food.  I really didn't get what all the fuss was about with that.  It went straight through me like everything else, I'm not one for anything new, strictly old school. 

Gunned it through to Winslow to stay at Earl's Motor Lodge 66.  Everything about it scared me.  Even Earl.  He shuffled everywhere in his slippers, I swear his last name was Bates.  Even the vintage refrigirator in my room was scary.  I opened the door to nose around and found a live bug, which told me two things: 1. There were bugs and 2. The refrigirator didn't work.  Earl said rather presumptiouly to me: 'No smoking in your room.  Is that a problem for you?' I didn't like his manner.  So I slept in Jeff's room...

Cheers

OKLAHOMA CITY - TUCUMCARI.

Woke up in Oklahoma City - Wow!! Arrived once again at 2am... all these late nights are playing havoc with my skin...

The car started to make a funny noise, we are not sure if it is the engine or the guy pulling the strings as he is really not used to all these junk food we are being forced to eat...

Before we left Oklahoma we had to stop at this outdoor store. It was so big and full of stuffed animals that the inside was more like being outside, if you know what I mean.

Jeff (who is real) got very excited about the store, in fact, his excitment started to show. The gun section must have been a square mile: they had any kind of armament you would ever need to kill anything!  Did you know a magnum is a gun as well as a chocolate covered ice cream??

The plan today was to reach Albuquerque, but the new noise got so bad we had to find another mechanic. Just as I had expected there were two loose nuts... but noone listens to me in the back, sometimes I think I might as well not be here!

Amirillo showed me the way!! Its home to the worlds tallest cross, I got the feeling Mel Gibson had been there.

Spending the night in Tucumari. Met some cool biker dudes who wanted us to go to a rally with them, but the two squares up front said we were too busy! Dam!!

Sound track today: Kings of Leon; Roxy Music; Muse

Captains log day 4.  Sept 11.  Nashville, Memphis

Wow, I danced my bandages off last night!  Started doing a bar hop. Seems that the big hit of the moment here is "Who needs a horse ride? A cowboy!" sung by both cowboys and cowgirls. Well, really!!!

Ended up in an awful place with a cover band, but after several JD's it became brilliant. I had convinced the lead singer that I only had weeks to live so he played the Clash for me. I say me because it cleared the dance floor except for another fella with a bandaged foot. Anyway, I looked great!  This morning the car is ill.  Again.  Something has gone stiff around the back end. Personally, I think it has a lot to do with all that manhandling under the hood carried out every morning by Jeff (who is still real) and the guy who pulls the strings.  We found this mechanic in Nashville known only as JD. Can you believe it?!  If there was a god, I'm sure he would be called Burbon.

JD specializes in British vintage cars. He worships at the altar of British Leyland. At first, we tried to BS him about the Bird being a unique 17 ft long frog-eyed sprite. But being no fool he saw through the scam in minutes.  I tell you, he had it up in the air and analysed in seconds: a collapsed break hose (I had one of these once, back in the day).  Within a couple of hours, he had located one from the 1959 T-Bird parts shop and had it fixed. We were good to go. We want to thank JD, you know who you are. We will see you around.  We hit the road to Memphis at 5 pm laughing all the way…

P.S.  Why was my wife smashing it at 4 30 am UK time?.....

There is no sound track today laughing too loud

Hi all. It is September 8th and the first day of the road trip, but can I just tell you now I am not happy! I left San Diego last night on the red eye bound for New York. Not so bad you say except I was bundled into a suitcase sandwiched between a load of clothes, some of which were not clean, I am talking day old pants, damp smelling bandages and stuff.

As if that was not bad enough I landed at JFK at 5.10am then it was at least an hour before I was let out of the case, in fact Jeff (who is real) and my assistant (he pulls all the strings so to speak) went off and had breakfast first.

Once out of the case, I laid eyes on the Thunderbird for the first time since it has been restored, I was blown away, it is the most beautiful car I have ever seen! Things were looking up.... that was until we started loading the luggage and realised Jeff had so many spare parts in the boot that all of our bags had to go on the back seat which was meant to be my home... I was pushed and I mean pushed into the only crevice remaining, its a good job I do Yoga!

Next the AC broke, it was 1000 degrees in the car and Jeff insisted on smoking cigars throughout. Now I am not a great believer in enforced non smoking but in a small, hot environment I think it should be limited to cigarettes or roll ups.

We made our first stop overnight stop in Washington DC. We have an oil leak and it is quite bad. Infact this car's daily intake of 20/50 exceeds my intake of Jack by about three to one! Jeff is trying to sort it out, I would help if it wasn't for my dressings.

The sound track for today was, Libertines, Santana, Gossip, Clash, Artic Monkeys, Roxy Music and James Brown. I asked for something by White Zombie or the crash test dummies but Jeff threatened to tie me to the front of the car as a hood ornament.

Places travelled so far: New York; Jersey; Delaware (sounds like a cheap clothing line to me); Maryland; and DC.  (Footnote Baltimore is scarier than me).

I have heard we have a night out with friends tonight, two of which are mummies, I will let you know if they are mummified or just mothers of small children tomorrow.

Keep checking in! Cheers!