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Yes, it's another plug for my Random Access blog. To enjoy the latest entry, click here.

Dear Friend,

It's the 50th day of Chaos. Happy Chaoflux, everyone!

If you've visited my profile page in the last...I don't know...since I put it up pretty much...then you've probably heard the song I've got posted on there. It's "Where My Heart Will Take Me" from Russell Watson's album, Encore. Well, it's not just there on my profile, but on my iPod, as well, and I've been listening to it quite a bit the past couple months. Oddly enough, though, it was only fairly recently that something struck me.

[SHIFT IN TRAIN OF THOUGHT.... BEAR WITH ME.]

I believe that in order to fulfill our true destinies and to realize our true natures, we must each of us go through the seven stages of the alchemical process. I won't bore you with all the descriptions here, but I'd like to touch upon the first three.

First is calcination. It's the burning away of the ego, recognizing that the physical world is merely a collection of trappings...both inanimate and animate. I went through this some years ago, and I can tell you that for someone concerned about the world and others' perceptions, the fires of calcination are painful but important.

The second stage is dissolution. I went through that too. If you want, you can read an essay I wrote about it by clicking on this link. Briefly explained, it's the washing away of the ashy remnants of the ego that remain after calcination.

I'll get to the third in a moment, but first I want to say that I had experienced both of these, and I knew it, yet, for some reason I've had a lot of setbacks and have spent a lot of time wondering whether I had been mistaken. Maybe I'm still too worried about the world and its trappings; maybe I'm drawn too much to the shiny expensive baubles and the cloying words of praise that feed the ego. This is what I thought, but then I realized, no, that's not true.

Rather, I've been working on the preliminaries to the third alchemical stage: separation. This is application of reason and analytical processes to the evolution of the spirit. Primarily, it's a stage in which habits, addictions, etc.--those more-than-physical things that were created by the ego and still left in its wake--are dealt with. It's a stage in which a person must watch him- or herself very carefully, figure out why he or she behaves in a certain way, why certain stimuli cause certain reactions, and it's something I really need to work on, no matter that I know I must confront some very difficult patterns the world has imprinted on my soul and that it may very well be an emotionally painful process. (Which is somewhat strange, it being the most analytical of the stages so far.)

[SHIFT AGAIN. BACK TO THE SONG.]

As the subject line of this post reads, "I've been through the fire, and I've been through the rain...." Fire and water are the elements associated with the first two alchemical stages, and I have been through them. The song also uses imagery of the wind: "I feel a change in the wind right now..." and "I've known a wind so cold, I've seen the darkest days, but now the winds I feel are only winds of change." Air is the element associated with separation.

So, my point is that this song is so totally about separation it's amazing, and I doubt Diane Warren knew any of this when she wrote the song a decade ago. It's more likely to be one of those things the universe throws out randomly in the hopes that people are listening. Well, I am, and for now, this is my theme song, my anthem, if you will, as I ride the winds of change toward a future in which, as Watson sings, "I will see my dreams come alive at last."

Wish me luck, as I wish all of you the same in your individual journeys through this crazy life.

So, my house is small and, therefore, cluttered. I can't find my poetry journal, so until I do, I need someplace to record what I've written. This is as good a place as any. So, here's a new untitled poem I wrote in the wee hours of the morning.

----------

alone
wandering thoughts of
old friends
soulmates
tequila I
am a nonentity outside observing
and though
interaction is not something
to which I am opposed
I prefer it
this way

it is
a piece of the puzzle
a part
of the tao
a stage in the alchemical
process of becoming
separation

gone
the ego
gone
the sameness
here
apart awaiting
the breakthrough
renewing my entity different
yet the same awaiting
the process
of reintegration a new
interaction separate but a part
that comes from being
alone

OK, everybody...here's a poem that, as usual, is fresh off the presses. I just wrote this for Nancy, and even she hasn't read it yet. I'd love some suggestions. It feels to me like it's missing something. Of course, it could just be that I'm of the opinion that no words are capable of expressing everything I feel for her. But, if you do have some suggestions for making it a bit better, I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks.

----------

"This Midnight Moment"

Gazing
in the dimness of night, I trace
your silhouette
with my eyes as I drift into slumber,
from your perfect brow,
down to your perfect chin. The rest is covered
by blankets and, beneath them,
pajamas, and yet, it seems
I can see your body clearly, for I know
each line and curve by heart.

In my mind's eye, I can see you as though
you were lying naked beside me,
as you do when the nights are warmer,
and my fingertips spark
as I imagine running them along
your silk-soft skin,
down your chin, along your neck,
to your full round breasts,
and beyond.

I smile, and as sleep claims domination
over body and mind,
I know there is nowhere
I would rather be at the moment
than beside you, as I am,
wrapped around you in a warm embrace,
nowhere but here, except,
perhaps, inside you,
for then are our souls entwined as well. But I know
that time will come soon, and so
I will be happy with what I have. It's not that hard;
happiness comes easily
when you are near.

For those of you who have paid attention to my status updates over the past month or so, it's pretty obvious I've been going through a lot of shit. I don't know how much detail I want to go into here. I'm a very private person, and I don't often share my feelings with those who aren't extremely close to me, but right now I feel I have nowhere to turn. As I told Nancy I feel like I really have only three options at this point: I can kill myself, I can just run away and live on the streets of Portland, or I can check myself into a psych ward. I'm writing this, though, hoping that just getting everything out will be cathartic and give me the strength to go on with life as it is. I really don't even care if anybody reads it, which is odd coming from a writer, whose one true hope in life is usually that people do read his works, even if there's no money in it.

So, here goes. Forgive the randomness.

I don't think my meds are working. Nancy might say I haven't given them long enough, but I have been on them at least six weeks, which is how long it's supposed to take. She might also say that it's because I've skipped doses, but I've only skipped the last two days...not enough for the chemicals to leave my system. So, I don't know what the problem is.

I feel like I'm out of touch with everybody. I'm not a people person. After Darius was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Nancy and I recognized a lot of similarities between his diagnosis and the way I am, so I figure I'm slightly autistic. That means that, in a lot of instances, I have no idea how to interact with people. I've found myself alienating a lot of people in my life over the past years, and I can't stand it. If you are one of those people, I apologize sincerely.

Specifically, I feel like I'm losing my friendship with Jed, who comes over from Eugene with pre-arranged plans to see other people but only manages to fit me in when there's time. I don't know why this is. Now, Nancy's mentioned to me that I sometimes don't count him as a true friend because I've told her I don't feel I can talk to him about my personal life. I've never told him that, though, so that's not the problem there. BTW, I think the reason for not being able to be open with him is because he's a guy, and I don't relate well to other members of the male species. Blame it on being raised by a single mom who always made it clear she wished I was a girl.

Speaking of guys, I don't know how many of you know, but for the record I'm bisexual. It's right there on my profile page, but who knows how many people actually look at that? A couple months ago, I hooked up with a boyfriend named Shane. (There's a picture in my MySpace album if you care to check him out.) He's a really sweet guy, but after a few get-togethers I felt that things might not be working out. He was supposed to come down a couple weekends ago, and I asked him to postpone. I think he's pissed, even though I later explained to him that I've been busy with stupid job shit and a bunch of emotional stuff and that I had been cutting and burning myself again. (Yeah, that's something I do.)

I think, maybe, I scared or offended him. I don't know. He won't talk to me. I've sent him messages, but I get nothing in return. All I want to know is if our relationship is over or if we still have a chance to try to make it work, but I can't even get that. I mean, I won't be too troubled if it's over. I was thinking about calling it off myself because even though I like him, I'm just not sure we have enough in common to have a relationship. But, still, I'd like some kind of official end to it with a good, mutually respectful outcome. I don't wanna just have it stop with no communication at all. There's no real closure that way.

So, a bunch of the shit that I was going through had to do with women, though. It's very complicated, and it involves stuff about other people who probably wouldn't appreciate it if I mentioned them in here because a lot of people don't know things about them, and they probably wouldn't like it if I let the cat out of the bag. What I can divulge though is that in addition to being bi, I'm polyamorous, as well. I won't go into a big explanation. You can Google it if you don't know what it is. But basically, a month ago, I got a girlfriend. (I know, it's tough to juggle so many people, but dammit, I was in love...or at least thought I was.) Anyway, she turned out to be a lying, manipulative, and very troubled young woman. I'm pissed at her, but even more pissed at myself for being so susceptible to her manipulation, and basically I hate myself for it. I don't mind being emotional; it's very important to allow oneself to feel. But I hate not being in control of my emotions.

Also, I haven't written anything lately. I feel like I'm in a slump. That makes me feel like a lazy bastard with nothing to contribute to society. I'm not making money myself. I feel like I'm just bumming off my wife and the government. It's not good for my self-esteem. But I can't hold a real job because of the anxiety disorder and the depression and the autism and God only knows what else. I probably need to go back into therapy. Nancy thinks I should try to get certified as mentally disabled and get a government check. But, again, that will just make me feel like a burden on society. I already feel like such a burden on her.

She's very busy with school and work, and she's had to skip classes and turn in assignments late, and I feel like it's because she's dealing with all my shit. I'm nothing but a burden. I'm a burden on her, and I'm a burden on society, and I'm a burden on whatever friends I have left, and I'm a burden on my mother.

My mom...she's practically dying of internal organ failure and she's having difficulty getting all the treatment she needs. But she's the only day care we can afford. And honestly, we need the day care. I wish it were different. I wish I could be the domestic stay-at-home daddy. I used to be. I grumbled a bit, but it wasn't all that bad. Lately, though, with our living situation, I can't do it. I can't stand to be around my mother all day while staying at home with the kids. I can't stand the tin can we live in. It makes me want to kill myself.

I hate my mother. She's such a fucked up, close-minded person. I can't tell her how much she fucked me up because I know that would just hurt her. I can't tell her that I've not only given up on her stupid religion but that I'd practice Pagan rituals if we had our own place. I can't tell her that I'm bi, because to her same-sex relationships are an abomination. (Yeah, well Leviticus says that shellfish is too...and she loves shrimp, so I guess she's going to Hell.) I can't really talk to her about the polyamory, because marriage is a sacrament, a holy bond not to be broken. Basically, she knows nothing about me. I feel like I'm living a lie around her. I can't stand it anymore.

I doubt myself and my talents and abilities and self-worth. I'm trying to be a good person, a good father, a good husband, boyfriend, friend, member of society, and whatever else I need to be. I feel like I've failed in most and I'm in the process of failing elsewhere. I'm poor. I'm mental. I'm confused.

I'm a burden on others, and I have too many burdens of my own to deal with. I feel lost. I feel alone. I don't know what to do anymore.

There's probably a lot more, but I don't feel like writing anymore. This is long enough as it is. If you've made it this far, at least you have a chance at understanding a little bit of what's going on with me, and if I lash out or ignore you or piss you off or otherwise offend you, please accept my apologies in advance, but when a person is this emotionally troubled it's sometimes hard to think things through and do what's best to maintain a healthy and cordial relationship with others. So deal with me or hate me or love me or ignore me. Whatever.

The whole fucking world is all an illusion anyway. What does it matter?

It so fits my philosophy, but I've never heard it put quite like this, nor have I ever heard of the bloke who said it, but I Googled him, and apparently he's a comedian or something.

Anywhat...

"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks

Ain't that a great quote?