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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

477.) Oh yeah... here's the secret to happiness.
Current mood:

amused
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

     I have so many goals, so many things that I've always wanted to do. So many things, things that I've accumulated over a lifetime. Will I get them done, before my time is up?

    We never know. We just work, at our own pace... hoping that time and energy will allow for it to be "enough". What is the measure of happiness?

    What is the measure of happiness? That reminds me...

    I know the answer! The answer to that question is WHEN!!!

Hehehe...

    WHEN are we happy?

That question contains the answer to happiness. There you go, take it to the bank.

...Okay: for those of you who need help:

    WE ARE HAPPY WHEN...

    -Lost in the moment.
    -Playing.
    -Accomplishing.
    -Loving.
    -Being loved.
    -Dreaming.
    -Creating.
    -Receiving validation by those we respect.

      ...And there you go. Simple, if you can do it. This is why we watch TV, why we drink, why we eat. Why we fuck. Why we work out. Why we make anything that we make, why we strive, why we beat ourselves to a pulp. Why we fight others, why we work 15 hours out of the day. This is what life is about.

This is why we dress up for Halloween... or the church of our choice.

    To achieve those things. To reach those heights.

    Every moment that we are happy in falls within that spectrum.


If we can't get those things, we will never be satisfied. And not just one of them...

     ALL of them.

     How fortunate, those who have found a balance of have, and have-not.

~S.o.N.~

   More to come, as usual.
   (Bite sized, when I can contain it.)

11:39 PM

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

476.) Things you should have learned.
Current mood:

inspired
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Tell me tell me, tell me do:

Can you match names to these twelve thoughts?

1.) "Until we lose ourselves, there is no hope of finding ourselves."

2.) "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."

3.) "We will either find a way, or make one."

4.) "To dream is happiness... to wait is life."

5.) "Pleasure is the object, duty, and goal of all rational creatures."

6.) "One must wait until evening, to see how splendid the day has been."

7.) "The root of success is simply to follow through."

8.) "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

9.) "The nice thing about meditation; is that it makes doing nothing respectable."

10.) "If you're going through hell... KEEP GOING."

11.) "...the most beautiful thing we can experience, is the mysterious."

12.) "I'm an optimist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."

9:14 PM

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

475.) Falling.
Current mood:

nostalgic
Category: Writing and Poetry

     It seems each fall, I write something small; something seasonal. A little taste of "zen", a little image for those who have no time to savor the scents, to feel the grace, to allow a cool drizzle on an upturned face...

    They say that you should stop and smell the flowers, you know.

    But that's a saying for Spring: and despite Albert Camus' assurance that "Autumn is a second Spring, where every leaf's a flower":

    We rarely have time to really feel it, as it should be felt. Like all magic, it becomes familiar, lost in the hustle and bustle. A flash of color on a roadside, on the way from point A to B.

    Maple sugar candy doesn't taste like it did when you were a child. Cold isn't so easily ignored, and so many things unfinished... not like the times of youth, when days were an eternity of wishes and wants, dreams and desires. Back then, you couldn't wait to start... and now, there is a sneaking feeling that you will never get it all done. splashing in puddles is no longer cool, and you realize you lost something fun. Grey clouds creep in, smoothing over the sun...

    Rain in fall, the drops so small... barely more than mist.

    I wonder now, after so long... how much more magic have we missed?

    There was something...

     ...lost in the Fall.

8:41 PM

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Monday, October 05, 2009

474.) Voyeurism: Relationships vol.5 (Here, Kitty Kitty).
Current mood:

curious
Category: Romance and Relationships

   I saw Ms. Kitty Blue across a crowded, smoky room, and was immediately curious. I pointed her out to my friend Kevin, and he proceeded to introduce himself and us.. the night progressed and we got to know a little about each other. We went out for food after the club, and witnessed a ridiculous fight at the late-night diner: the "jocks vs. the gays", and I'd say the gays pretty much mopped the floor with their adversaries.

    I was hoping to see Ms. Kitty again, and did a week or two later. I felt so comfortable with her, and excited at the same time. Like I'd met an old friend, but with the brand-new feeling of "first contact".

    We seem to have been to so many similar places in life, with so many things in common. Parallel paths, finally intersecting.

    We have many interests in common... movies, styles, musics and cultures. It's not so similar that it gets boring: rather... if you were to think of me as "song", she would have to be considered "dance". The same picture, but different parts of the puzzle. Me patient, logical and crafty; and her creative, adventurous, and crafty, too.

    I feel like we make a good team. I only fear for our future when she gets to feeling down about herself... something that I've seen before, and that scares me a bit. When I care about someone, I hate to see them depressed, and do whatever I can to bring back the happy side; but sometimes I just don't have the ability.

   As we all know, however, you can't MAKE someone happy. All you can do is invite them in to your own happiness, and hope that there is enough to share.

    We've talked a lot about our pasts, presents, and future possibilities. All the things that need to be done, and all the things that we'd love to do.

    We've talked about marriage, and the pros and cons. About what we want out of our futures. Two years so far, and I hope for as many more as we can manage. 'Til death do us part? For richer or poorer? In sickness and health?

    I'll love her for as long as she'll love me. For now, we'll make do with what we have... and try to build a stronger base of our pyramid; a foundation to set our dreams on. The stronger and wider our base, the sturdier our structure will be.

    Few start at the tip of the pyramid... but that's what we are all building towards.

-C-

8:18 PM

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Friday, October 02, 2009

473.) Voyeurism: Relationships vol. 4 ( "Mr. Easy" )
Current mood:

amused
Category: Romance and Relationships

    I got a new place, with some of my new friends. Almost immediately, I started gaining a reputation as the new kid on the block. The laid back roommate who always seems to end up with a different girl every couple weeks. My friends made fun of me at times, because it just happened. I wasn't making an effort, really... they just kind of ended up there.

    As my friend Dave would say, "...whoops, watch out for that banana peel, you'll slip and fall into bed with Chad!"

     I met a few quality people along the way, and sometimes would date them for a month or two, but didn't really take it seriously. As one of them put it; "... well, you're very low-drama, and not bad in the sack; two things that I value in a booty call."

    I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me... but eventually I met Stephanie, who I really cared about. I tried to make it work, but this time the tables were turned...

    This time it was me who was the slut, the cheater, the heart breaker. This time I saw what it did to her, and realized that I was now the bad guy... I tried to smooth it over, but the damage was done. It sucked and I felt like a total asshole and a shitty person, because she was someone really good.

     So I gave up again on "love". This time I was the failure, and since then have been through a few relationships that dead-ended, either from distance or from lack of communication, or incompatibility. I just never felt like I could be myself around any of them without feeling like they wouldn't understand me or my take on the whole thing that is life. My oddities and quirks... instead, I just put on a face that I thought they would like, one that would eventually slip to reveal the scars. I would try to make it work, but only to a point. If something was going to risk hurting me, or take more than I was willing to give, I shut it down.

    Flipped the switch. Turned out the light and closed the door. Single goodbye, no looking back, no explanations.

    Somewhere along the way, through all of that though, I learned to love myself. I learned what I wanted out of life, out of MY life... and what I DIDN'T want. Through the understanding of friends, through the analysis of my own nature, through the constant internal and external debate that rages around us all.

     And after that, I met Ms. Kitty Blue.

next... "Here, Kitty Kitty!"

7:41 PM

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Friday, October 02, 2009

472.) Voyeurism: Relationships vol. 3 (the Kent Chronicles).
Current mood:

breezy
Category: Romance and Relationships

    When I first moved to Kent, I didn't know anyone. I got a room in a shared house situation, where students from KSU would often live, sometimes for only a semester or a year.

    It was like living in episodes and seasons of "The Real World", that MTV reality show. Season one was two cute girls, a stoner/hip-hop fan with rich parents, a law school senior, and a radio show producer at the campus radio station. Season two, a bunch of musicians and a raver girl. Season three was a bunch of skaters and artists, and the house started to fall apart... broken windows, ice cream bowls laying everywhere. Rotten fruit in bags on the counter. Terrible.

    Somewhere around this time, I met Angel. Love at first sight, I fell super hard. Set her up on a pedestal, totally thought "this is the one". It took a week or so to get up the nerve to ask her to go out, and within a year we got an apartment together.

    It took almost two years to fall apart, but it fell apart. She wasn't ready to "settle down", completely shut down our relationship, and moved out. I should have seen it coming, somehow, but she was so ON when she was on. I totally believed she would never do something like that... sucker me. I had bought into the fairy-tale, and it turned out to be a bunch of made-up bullshit; our heartbroken Chad, depressed and confused, angry at the world, decides that "love" is a big fat steaming pile of crap. I also found out alot more about what she was doing behind my back, from various sources.

    I turned the depression into desperation. Decided to crash random college parties on the street every weekend, drank as much as possible and missed a lot of work. I made a bunch of acquaintances. Every one was just a face, every one was a fake. I moved out because I couldn't afford the rent by myself, and into a house full of college girls. Basically, I made it my goal to be an uncaring asshole... thus, somehow, managing to sleep with half of them and some of their friends to boot. No attachments. Anyone who tried to make me a "boyfriend" wasn't getting any return calls.

     Eventually they all hated me, and that was fine with me... take it to the curb, with the rest of the trash bags.

    A year went by, and I started hanging out with a new crew, people who I was introduced to by my buddy Keith. Real people, great people, my favorite people in the world. I had found people who saw the world through the same kind of glasses that I was looking through. Real friends, people who weren't cookie-cutter stereotype fake faces. An odd bunch, just the way I like it.

    next... "Mr. Easy" does it.

6:52 PM

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Thursday, October 01, 2009

471.) Voyeurism: Relationships, Vol. 2 (The Field)...
Current mood:

curious
Category: Romance and Relationships

     Took a while to do anything after that, despite my willingness. I had little social life, and the world was a changing place.

    Changed jobs to Little Tykes. (Yes, the toy company... and, sorry to say, all of "Santa's elves" were not as nice or as wholesome as you'd expect "elves" to be... My first time hanging out at a bar was at 19 or 20, at 5:am after working 3rd shift there. Little Tykes, affectionately known as" Little Dykes", had a lot of interesting characters working there... a lot of alternative lifestyles, a lot of chemically induced personalities and drama. I had the hots for the girl who trained me at my job there, "Patty" was her name. Tattooed and energetic, sexy. I had a crush on her for a while. (Eventually we hooked up, but that is another story... one that led to my only DUI. Nothing good ever came out of that...)

    Solo, still solo. Got a job sanding hardwood floors, and things started to pick up when I moved in with a bunch of guys who lived nearby... my first house, living away from parental guidance. I got a place with a few 20-ish guys, most of them sort of skater/jam band types. Interesting crowd, but I didn't fit in. I was more of a metal kid... (and there were other issues, for another story).

    Eventually, a year or two after, I got another place with a friend from work. Yes, that's a year of "relationship-free" zone. It all fell apart again: the friend stealing our rent money to pay his own credit bills, and me screwing his girlfriend.

    Equal trade, I'd call that. Fucker. It pushed me to get a place in Kent, OH.... my first comfort zone in a long time.

    In that whole two years I maybe got laid two or three times. Once with a friend of a friend, and twice with my thief roommate's girlfriend.

    "The field" part one. Sad, I'd say. What a mess.

     And then, reality shifted. I felt like I came home when I moved to Kent...

11:21 PM

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Thursday, October 01, 2009

470.) Voyeurism: "Relationships vol 1".
Current mood:

amused
Category: Romance and Relationships

     I was a pretty shy kid, so it took a while to end up with a girlfriend... even though there were offers. I actually turned down a couple because I didn't believe them: like, why was a senior girl asking me to call her when I was in gym class, giving me her number?

    She must have mistaken me for someone "cool".

    There were other flirtatious offers... Cam ("as in Camaro" she said... I totally didn't even believe she was serious, but she was cute back there in high school.) Various "Stephanies" and "Angies". I never actually believed that they were serious. There was even a "Brandy" that I thought would go somewhere, but she was just playing the "girl+boy=flirt" game. She was meant to be with a Jason, even though I didn't buy it at the time.

    (Hell, EVERYONE was cute if they were a chick in high school. Except for the ones that no one paid any attention to... they got treated like they didn't exist. But there were the others, the ones that I liked... the artists and outsiders.) I, honestly, didn't believe that I was worth pursuing... so I never pursued. What... me? the guy with no popular friends? No car? No money? I might as well have been an ugly girl in High School... only thinking that I was getting offers because I thought they were trying to make fun of me.

   ( What am I going to do, have my mom drive us to go see a movie or something? It's not like I could invite her over to "my place". I'm an unpopular guy with no money, no place, no car, and no game.)

    I had no place, and was embarrassed by my lack of game. I knew I wanted more, and didn't want to offer anything without living up to the offer, ya know?

    Gotta have some pride.

---

      Eventually, senior year, I pretty much gave up on playing any kind relationship games... the cute girls I knew weren't really interested in anything but flirting, and I was frustrated with the whole thing. I had nothing to offer the great ones, and got nothing from the not so great ones. Eventually I lost my virginity to a slutty junior who went back to her boyfriend after a month or so. It was a thing, and I weighed it as such: just a thing. Totally unsatisfying.

     I got a job after high school at Taco Bell. Big time, yeah? Mr. "Fancy Pants". Well, we all have to start somewhere... and at least I had a car to drive and some money to use, and a dating pool. Besides that...

     Have you ever seen the chicks at Taco Bell? Sometimes pretty cute, and they don't take themselves too seriously. Hell, if they do, you can just be like... "look babe. you work at TACO BELL."

    I remember, working the 9:PM to close shift, I would always just drive around for an hour or two after work at night. Just driving, seeing how far I could go with my borrowed car and what was out there. It was nice, in a way that I can no longer appreciate.

     (Hell, I took a motorcycle ride, by myself, from Las Vegas to Denver, as a "free" adult, at age 30-something.. Over a thousand miles, with no familiar landmarks. I may have lost a lot of the "magic" of travel by doing so... I may have killed the adventure of 'driving somewhere.' )

     But I had a car to use, and time, and money. I hooked up with a co-worker named Heather, and we ended up together for 5 years. I learned everything I could during our time together... but I always knew we could do more.

    There's always more. We both knew it, and eventually she went to college, got a new job, and I knew it was coming the whole time. I remember her crying and telling me she wanted to break up, because she couldn't ignore the call any longer. (She didn't say it that way but I knew EXACTLY what she meant.)

    That was the way of things. I knew she would leave, that we were together to learn the ropes. To get our feet wet, and care about someone besides ourselves and our family. We learn what it's like to have some freedom, and what it's like to offer someone our heart... for a little while.

    A lease, with an indefinite expiration... but at that time, that first relationship was gold. A chance to explore the world we hadn't seen until then. No guarantees, just casual exploration and heartstrings.
-----

    Stay tuned for our next episode: "The Field!"

-C-

10:01 PM

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Thursday, October 01, 2009

469.) Song and Dance.
Current mood:

argumentative

     I always feel like introducing myself, every time I write something new here.

    "...um, Hi..." embarrassed wave, "uh... yeah. This here is my inner dialog, hehe..." blush. "...Come on in! I've been baking this pie here... do you like pie?"

   ( ...eyes begin to glow, steam rising from my skin and horns growing...)

     "...YOU had BETTER LIKE the FUCKING PIE. I made it JUST FOR YOU."

    (Suddenly things are normal again.)

     "No, really... it's GOOD." I smile, like an over-the-top TV sales model.


     I guess it all depends on your definition of "good".

-----


   Here's the rub. I feel...

    ... the internal pressure to express a whole ton of things all at the same time and i'm not sure where to start so i keep trying to break them all down into small sections because i know that if anyone is ever going to sit down and read this they can't read it for any length of time without getting distracted by their own lives and their own inner dialog and if i was to just pour it out without crafting it into small sections no one would ever listen no one would ever read so i make it as readable as possible because i have a lot of things that i want to tell you, yes you, but i know if i put too many of these pieces out in one day you will ignore me just like i ignore everyone else who tries so hard to get their point across that they overload my blog box and i stop reading and that's really how things are, sorry, it's just that i have a hard time REALLY saying what i feel about a lot of things because i'm a little unsure about how you'll take it all, you know wars get started because people don't understand each other or accept that some things just are different and we don't all have to get along but still i'd really rather prefer to have you as a friend than a foe you know? just because we don't agree is no reason to have a problem unless you WANT one in which case bring it fucker because despite my love and desire for beauty in my life i'm totally capable of flipping the fucking switch and putting you on the other side of the fence, after all it's a complicated and morally flexible world with a short fucking fuse and only the rules that we agree to follow along the way and who would know that better than me you mindless fuck, unless maybe you are one of the people that i've grown to love and trust through our common struggles in which case i love you dearly and despite my apparent distance at times i'm really thinking of you way more often than, probably, you are thinking of me, but still all of these blogs and poems and other thoughts that i throw out there are mostly because i'd like to invite you into the internal song and dance and if you are down with that, well then

ROCK THE FUCK ON.

(...Inhale...)

     ...Buddy.

    Now grab a smoke or a drink, 'cause I'm about to lay it down.

    (After I take a shower, because sometimes I feel a little dirty.)

-C-

8:16 PM

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