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vendredi, mai 15, 2009
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Humeur actuelle :  confus
i'm not over him, in fact i still make most of my decisions based on him, one way or another. i want to say that i want to be over him, but i can't even say that. i actually still want him to change, i want him to be the man in my life, the kind of man i need. i pray for that, but i have to admit that i don't have faith about it, i feel like he is never going to change. i know he loves me and our boys, i don't get why he wouldn't want to make things better. logically i know that we can't go back. we can't undo what's been done, but my heart just won't cooperate with that logic. it still wants him. i long for his touch, just a hug would make me feel so much better. but i keep coaching myself, that i can't back track. he isn't gonna change and i will not continue to go thru what i've been through. but i'm honestly not interested in even looking at anyone else. the thought of him with someone else breaks my heart, it brings tears to my eyes immediately and a horrible nausaus feeling that stays with me for quite a while. i suppose that's what it's going to take for me to move on. one of us to find someone else. i have really tried to move on, he has caused me so much pain that i shouldn't still love him, or at least i shouldn't still want him. but it's like my heart is blind to that, all i can seem to focus on is how beautiful and loved he makes me feel. how much i know he loves me and how he does all these little things that make me happy. i know that if i didn't love him so much, he wouldn't be able to irritate me like he does. i pray that god continues his will in my life, be that with or with out ocei, however i also pray that his will is with ocei. it's been six years that we've been involved and he seems to be all that i know at this point. i see him now and i can bare to look at him for fear that i'm gonna burst into tears. i daydream about him sniffin my cheek, painting my toes, laying so close to me in bed that we can feel each other's breaths, a simple hug or kiss hello, and all of the other affections that we have for each other. i don't know how to handle our situation. i have moments of strenght and moments of weakness. i do know that we have to complete our legal business because that will give me some peace of mind. thanks for your attention if you've gotten this far. please keep us in you prayers and feel free to comment or offer any advice. i'm all ears/eyes.
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mardi, septembre 02, 2008
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Humeur actuelle :  seul
ok....so it does get a little easier everyday......what if i still wanna cry......people keep tellin me to stop crying & to think of the happy times we shared....i feel like i need to cry.......i miss her so much....i need to talk to her....i need to hear her opinion....damn!! can i at least talk to someone that knew her.......she barely knew jovi.....he was only 3 months old when she died.....but she picked on me sooooo bad....about how much he was like kameron & how bad he was gonna be....lol.....and, oh boy, how she was right.......jovaughn is a handful! to say the least.....i hung out with scotty tonight & it's really amazing what kameron & jovi have in common.......lil speedy gonzalezes....lol.....constantly on the go......i wish she were here to continue to laugh at me & say "i told you!"....i wish life was a little bit easier.....i wasn't raised in church, but i've recently felt the need to find one & to learn more......i'm pretty much bible illiterate.....kim tried to teach me ..... but i don't think i retained much.....however now .....i want to learn .. i want to know......she always wanted to go to church......we were gonna try to find one together......i wish we had.......but i'll find one & i'll pray for her often.... i know you're only in control of your own life & i'm about to make major changes in mine....because i'n not happy with it now....i'm an optimistic person & i know i can be happier......it seems that i don't have a whole lot of people to talk to about it......so if anyone cares....by all means let me know.....i'd love to have some feed back
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mercredi, août 06, 2008
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Humeur actuelle :  OK
well life has gotten somewhat back to a normal state for me.....i'm able to cope with the day to day life events......my baby is 6 months old now.....he's sitting up, crawling, pulling himself up, and just into everything....kahlil is about to start football and middle school......ocei & i still have our drama...i still miss kimberly like crazy and cry often at the thought of her being gone....she took her own life and i just can't understand how she could have went through with it, leaving her son, my brother, and all of us, who love her so much.....i often just cry and try to make myself understand that there was nothing we could have done.....but i would have done anything....she has consumed my thoughts for quite a while.... i want to cherish all of my memories......i took life for granted.......i thought we would always have her......she was so special......i pray that god forgives her because she was a wonderful person.....if anyone has any feedback to help me deal with her loss.....please share......cause it's one of the hardest times in my life!
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mercredi, mai 07, 2008
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Humeur actuelle :  embarrassé
oh dear god help me!......i can barely see the screen thru the bluriness of my tears.....the world lost a beautiful person on may 1st......and i feel like i can't live the rest of my life not having her presence.......oh god........i pray that you give her back.......oh.......how i miss her so much already.......she was the person who reached for your hand and touched your heart.......she had the brightest smile..... it alone made you feel better........but she also always knew just what to say...... she helped so many people......why o why couldn't we help her......she's my best friend.......my lil sister......she stole my clothes......and dug thru my purse.....she was so much fun......we'll be buring her friday and i hope she feels the love.....god bless her and please judge her from her work here on earth....... i hate to say rest in peace kim.......i don't want you to.......i want you back......this is so wrong.......you were so beautiful........i wish i could have been there for you...... i'm so sorry.....i promise to talk to kameron about you as often as i can......i'll make sure he knows how much you love him & what a beautiful person you were...........i love you so much.......jesus.....this is so hard
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samedi, mars 03, 2007
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..>
| addicted!! |
ok........so i have a problem ......the first step is admitting it right....lmao....... as far as addictions go....i guess one to myspace/my computer isn't a bad one, huh?......yeah right......it truly deprives me of my sleep and i'm exhausted! .......anyway......i was at my brother's house till like 2:30am friday morning playing mediator to him & his fiancee (crazy drama).......and i actually still made it to work on time (7:30am) .......today was my early day so i was off at 12:30.......but i hooked up w/my brother and helped him finalize some things to move into his house.......just 1 street over from me ......after 5pm, when all the business parts were done (which were crazy , at one point we were both on our cells with different utility companies and sitting in front of a bank teller....you should have seen both of us trying to have 3 conversations at once over each other.....lmao) ......we moved a load of his belongings......but had to stop at just 1 load because his lights won't be on until monday and it was pretty dark........anyway......i came home & took a few very brief naps and then went to get kahlil from tamika's.....she is redecorating the girls' room.....and it looks soo nice.....i'm supposed to help her paint tomorrow............i have to say with all that went on today...... i feel overwhelmed........this is my 1st weekend not working smugglers......but it's such a busy one.....i don't feel relaxed at all......i am looking forward to everything (scotty's move, aylaa & brielle's room, circus, mom's suprise b-day dinner, etc) but.....honestly....i'll be sooooo glad when i have nothing to do...... ya know?.......i'm just drained!!.......i always try to help out and i think sometimes i don't put myself high on my priorities.......i mean.....i managed to pay off every single bill i had before i even got my taxes (which i filed last, putting everyone else's before mine-case in point!)......and since i've got them i haven't done absolutely anything for myself.....i've loaned money......bought a few gifts.......cashed some checks for people and a few other things......and my account has just gotten lower and lower by the day.......geez....i haven't even balanced my ck book...... pretty much all the money will be returned to me......some very soon......and some in a few months......but that's not the point......i've got to put me first.....i got to learn to make others wait.......even if it's just so that i can think about what i want to do.....that is my right, right? ...... don't get me wrong.....i love to help......it's in my personality to help..... i think that everything is just moving soooooo fast......that i haven't had time to process things.....and i just need to re-group....ya know?.....i mean i haven't even had time for basic conversations w/friends.........kelly, i haven't forgot about you...... .....we had lunch last friday and i was supposed to get up with you over the weekend.....but never did........i'm sorry.....i will soon.......and....... kelli..... we haven't even been able to hang out in a few weeks........sunday will be great....i really appreciate your help......btw....i did call you back today..... and you have a regular ring tone.....what's up with that? ......that's not like you.....it's normal for everone else.....and ok......but for you...it's boring.......lol........so anyway..... when i first clld i got your vm .....and i refuse to leave you a message since you informed me that, they're not worth your time & you don't ck them anyway. .. ... so i did the next best thing and called back like 4 times in a row......just to get on your nerves ........i think you picked up and hung up me....... ..........lmao..... what were you doing????? .......or shall i say.....what was b doin to you???? n e way.........i tried....but i gottcha gyrl.....i understand the no kid, adult only weekend thing......do your thing!!.......and i've been trying to see my sister, danielle, for like.......dang...... ..months.......she is away at school (unc chapel hill) and soooooo busy i can't even get a dinner date with her even if i drive up there.........but i'm gonna keep tryin cause i miss her soooooo much......we used to be really close......but after i moved out the last time...and her senior year......we just slacked off..... and it sucks......i wanna get back in close contact with her........you're awesome danielle.......i love you.....i'm so very proud of you and i miss you terribly...... you used to lean on me and now that you are an adult i am looking forward to leaning on you.......lol.....so call me!!......and sunie.....you've moved and got yourself all set up in your new house and i've only been there once.....we didn't even get to catch up.......miss you too girl......geez.....i need a to do list / people to see list.......there's vicky, maureen, joey, dianna, dawn, so many people, so dear to me, that i now feel that i've been neglecting......i atleast need to start sending out cards like the older generation....just to say i'm thinking of you......... lol.........and......i'm trying to plan my trip to ny in april.......and it is creeping up on me sooooooo fast......i just realized i only have like 5 weeks, i'll see maureen there........kahlil and i are going to see lion king on broadway.....i'm soooo excited.....i know, i know, i've mentioned it several times but it's so cool.....my friend, maureen's 10 year old daughter is nala........so it's more than just seeing the show....it's seeing her on that stage......doin her thang........ soooo here's the deal.....next weekend is all about me guys ......please help me remember that!!......lol...... i really need to relax, do my planning......figure out if i'm gonna buy a car or what......i just need time to re-group........help me stick to it!!.......i need reminder calls and encouragement .........lmao...oh yeah and dinner....if anyone wants to take care of that detail.....that'd be great.....ok.....now that it's 3am...sooooooo........i'm going to bed!.......god bless!! | ..>
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dimanche, février 25, 2007
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kevin was my 1st real boyfriend........i'm a #s person & i always think about people who used to be in my life on their b-days......so i just noticed today is his b-day......and decided to just state it in my blog....lol..... where ever his is i hope he enjoyed his day!!.....ok....now on to me........today i made great progress w/ocei.....well finishing our mutual business (separation business)....... we went to suncom & transfered he's ph into his name.........so we don't have anything together anymore.......i feel really good about that.....now i just gotta stop these weekend "stay over my house" trips frm va.......he's gonna have to find some where else to stay if he comes into town from now on.......he & i haven't had this discussion yet (this week)lol.......but we will before he leaves.......i'm sure he won't continue to come down every weekend after a while........cause the main reason he has been coming is that he thinks it's going to fix us.......but there is no fixing us...... i keep trying to tell him that.......yes!!....i'm doin it in a nice way....but he isn't trying to hear me........anyway i feel really good about today, it was a good day.......i also spent some time looking into a new car.......i really have this itch for one.....although i'm having a hard time even thinking about a car pmt.......i mean i've always had a car or two....with no pmt......but i just want something nicer now......and i think i'm pretty close to going out & getting one....... i really think, it's just up to what kind i decide on, at this point....... tonight was my last night at smuggler's.......until i call them to put me back on the schedule, which feels really good........but i won't really have some completely free days until like the middle of march.....next weekend, my brother is moving into my neighborhood and i'll be helping him get all set up......& we are all taking my mom out for dinner......and there is also the circus is in town that weekend..... so it's gonna be a busy one....but atleast i won't have to bail out early and got to work.....right?.....lol......well.....i just wanted to put a lil thoughts out there in myspace world......please feel free to comment!
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lundi, février 12, 2007
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Humeur actuelle :  content
the weekend.......is it really over?  ......so fast......someone let me know....lol......i gotta slow down.......i gave job #2 notice that i'll be taken a break in march.  ...... which is well needed......i need some more free time.....i haven't even filed my own taxes yet....i've done a few other peoples....and have a few more to do....but haven't made time to do my own  .....lol.......it was a good weekend..... but it was soooooooooo short....saturday we made a huge breakfast....my mom stayed friday night with us and ocei, tete, & malikah came down from va.....kahlil had a baksetball game in the afternoon..... it was off the hook......he played a great game......and his team won...scotty was in town & he took kahlil's stats throughout the game....  ..he got like 12 pts i think, and a whole bunch of other stuff that i don't know about....lmao...... .then i braided my nephew's hair so he could be giggy  (his mom & dad's term) for his party....lol......saturday night i had to work and after work.......kahlil, malikah, & i went by tamika's for a few & then to kelli's....we hung out til like 1 am......making smores  .......it was pretty cool....there were other kids over there and they loved it.  ......i was able to sleep til like 10 am sunday ...which was nice but not nearly late enough.......i had to get up to get kameron something for his birthday and to do a lil grocery shopping .....his party was in the afternoon..... it was so nice......i'd recommend the children's museum for any young one's birthday.....my nephew is more than a handful.....and it was the perfect place for him to run around....everyone enjoyed it.....the kids & adults..... after the party i had to go by my brother's to drop off kameron's gifts since they wouldn't all fit in their car............so kahlil & i got home a lil after 7pm ....i hadn't done any cleaning so my house was a wreck....we did a lil bit & i was satisified enough to let him get his shower and watch some tv before bed... i took a lil nap  and now i think i'm actually gonna try to do my taxes....ok... not!!........ maybe tomorrow.....lol.....i decided to start giving myself a bed time and it's kinda late now......so.....i guess i'll have to put it off till another day...as you see.... it was a busy weekend and i'm having some real trouble accepting the fact that it's over......lol.....god bless you all! and feel free to comment! please! 
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samedi, février 03, 2007
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Humeur actuelle :  empreint de gratitude
Well, it's been quite a while since I've blogged. Actually, I did type a really huge one a while back and then it disappeared before I could post it! That's often refered to as "Kelly's Law". LOL. Anyway, life is pretty good right now. There really isn't anything too special to report. I've been working all the time as usual. Kahlil is doing great. He has 1 basketball game left then it's on to baseball (I just registered him today). His dad actually came to his game last week. Only because Kahlil called him to tell him about his grades (4-"A"s, 2-"B"s, & 1-"C") and asked him if he could come to his game. He had a really bad game that day, I think he was nervous because his dad was there. I'm really proud of him for his grades, however you know I wish we could have made the honor roll. Anyway, everything is good. Ocei moved to VA, but he has been back a few times to move some more of his stuff and to see Kahlil play. He has a good job there and I hope everything works out for him. I do love him, but I know we weren't meant to be. I'm much happier now with less conflicts, ya know? As far as me & Kahlil, We barely have time to relax. Always practicing, visiting people close to us or something. It seems we are never home. We are planning on going back to NY in April to visit and to see Lion King on Broadway. I'm pretty excited about that. Well, I'm going to get a little nap before work. I've been seriously considering taking a break on the second job. We'll see. God Bless you guys!
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mardi, décembre 26, 2006
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Humeur actuelle :  plein d’entrain
Again it's the wee hours of the morning and everyone is asleep except me. So I thought I'd let everyone know that this could have possible been my best Christmas ever. It was very relaxing, I didn't even have to cook this year. It's just been a great day. My son really enjoyed himself. Among tons of other gifts I got him some Heelys and they're soooo cool. I was really distraught at how much I had to pay for them and considered returning them several times (lol), but I didn't. After today I know I made the right decision. Due to the weather, he Heeled around the inside of the house all day, only bustin his butt in the early part of the day, lol. It was nice to see him so happy. I actually received more gifts than I expected to and they were all really good gifts. I got a new cordless phone (set of 2 w/speaker & answering machine), a chef pic, scent oil burner, swarovski crystal, nesting shelves, lots of other little things, and tons of company. It was really a good day, the food was wonderful and I really pigged out.  I'm seriously gonna try the diet & exercise thing now. LMAO. I truely hope you all had just as great of a Christmas and I wish you all a fantastic New Year!! And may God Bless You!
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mercredi, décembre 06, 2006
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Humeur actuelle :  je m’ennuie
hi everyone! i'm wide awake at 1:30 am, as usual i have to be at work at 7:30 am and i just can't sleep.... my nose is cold and a bit sore from all the blowing.... but all in all my life is pretty good right now... .....kahlil & i stayed home sick today.... he has a good size part in his school play so we've been practicing his lines a lot.... of course now they're stuck in my head....lol.... i guess i have a bit of cabin fever too, considering today is the 2nd day this week that i actually stayed home for more than few hours (awake that is) that's gotta be a record for the last 4 months ....we did go out to o'charley's for dinner cause kids eat free & i really didn't feel like making anything.....and we both wore our new clothes and shoes (thanks to black friday sales)....but sadly that was the highlight of our day....as for exciting news...how about a $500 cell bill, due to roaming.......thank goodness it wasn't mine....lol..... ok ....better news.....i reached the end of my probationary period at work & will be a hired perm on monday! yippy!, i got my house and myspace all decorated for christmas, but still have no idea what to get kahlil...well maybe a tv, since the volume stopped working on his a few days ago.....ok i guess i'm gonna try to go to bed now since i just ran out of tissue in this room...good night!
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