So 2009 has been my year. So far and honestly I only expect it to get better.  I didn’t know this type of happiness was really out there, I got a touch of it when I was much younger. Now I get that same feeling only it’s somehow better this time. ....

Just when I was starting to think that I really couldn’t have my “happy ever after” when I wasn’t looking here it is falling into place. ....

So I have met the man I plan to spend forever with, the one that makes me smile by walking into the room and laugh so hard I think I ‘m going to pee my pants. He’s got a heart that just doesn’t stop. As if all of that isn’t enough…Tyler LOVES him, sometimes I have to admit it hurts that ....Tyler.... wants him over me, but in all reality it’s good thing. ....

 Everybody that knows me knows when someone gets too close I want to push them away so they can’t hurt me or I’m on guard thinking it’s all too good to be true. I don’t feel that I know that this is the one I’ve been waiting for. Having all the wrong ones and letting the goods go all of it was so that I could have this. People that have seen me say they’ve NEVER seen me happy; I have a new glow about me. ....

Never have I been so happy and felt like I deserved it. If you don’t have this I hope you find it and if you have it I hope you know how lucky you are.....

Ok, I’m going for now…but if you’re curious about our future, there will be more to come. Maybe the next title will say “engaged!!”....

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I just got off the phone with my life time best friend, for the first time in  a long time we had a real conversation and I fell like it was a good thing.

I realized that the  love I have for two very different men in my life does not make me a hyprocrite as I  believe, it just means that I love two very different men for very different reasons.

Both of them above all are my friends and have very special  places  in my heart. One is no longer here to tell how much he means to me so I can only hope that he knows how very much I loved him that no matter how much I love the other he is without a doubt one of the greatest men that I have ever known and to be able to call him a friend is both an hour and pleasure....Tommy, please believe not a day goes by that I don't think of you....forever and always.."Love of a lifetime."

Jerry..to you.. there simply are no words, I hope you know no matter how far apart, no matter what I'm always here for you. You are an amazing person that I wish nothing but happiness for. 

The two of you both forever will have places in my heart that no one can touch, most will never understand. I would never dare to compare the two of you, so different, both special.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite for having a special place for both of you in my heart. IF I am so be it....I for the first time in my life have no regrets about that. I wouldn't change knowing or loving either on of you for anything in this life. Although so different you are both amazing men that have forever touched and changed my life.

One of you is still here and one is gone...I love you both. I wouldn't change that if  I could. 

So I know that I'm horriable at saying thank you as much as I should, or even when I should. Soooo, I thought I'd take a minute to publicly thank all my friends..the real ones, the ones that have been there over the years for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here's to those of you who have watched others try to bring me down and stood by me during the "rebuilding" process. You helped me when you could, even if you didn't always understand the "whys".  I find it funny that you guys are the ones that say, " Whatever it is I'll get past it cause I'm the strongest person you know" what you don't know is you helped to make me that way. You are  the ones that see the pain behind the smiles and know all the tears that are never seen.

You guys have supported me during my darkest of dark hours and given me some of my best. So here's to you, although I may not say  it enough I'm thankful for you.The hours of laughter, the crazy nights, the rediculous schemes that we come up with, (you know what I'm talking about.) and The trips to BEANERS.  All the things that I haven't mentioned, you guys are the best.

this is it..how you feel when the world that you know and love comes crashing down around you. There are no words for it--the emptiness you feel inside.Your not sure if you get out of bedand just keep going or stay there waiting for the world to just go on without you.

They say once you hit rock bottom there is no where to go but up, but how to even take that first step when you feel like there is no safe ground?? When you know you are self destructing whatever you have left and not really sure how to stop it?? And even more importantly you can't think of a reason to stop.

How do you keep yourself from just shutting down and not caring?? Of course there are things that are good, but what do you do when you attack the good in your life cause you can't tell the diffence anymore?? When you hate the good because it reminds you of the bad. When you can't stand the good, because it makes you think of the bad??

What do you have to hold on to then??

I feel like I"m falling and I just can't stop. SO I do what I do best and  hope noone sees the real me........I hide this broken heart beneath a laughing face.Hoping that noone can see that I'm really dying inside.

I will attack you if you hurt me, I will find away to hurt you back. I will some how find the strengh to walk away and when you ask for again, you'll find I won't be there. I've always been there to pick up the broken pieces for you and when you break me- you simply walk away. This time it will be diffent. I don't know how, but it will be. If you want to go to war with me, let's go, just be  prepared. Everything that I've given you out of love and loyality and take and distroy. Then it'll be you that knows exactly what rock bottom is all about.

Wow, I don't even know where to begin so I'm just going to write and see what happens. I guess it's crazy to me when you think that you know someone only to realize you don't know them at all. You defend them, love them, and support them only to have them "spit in your face." I just don't get it.

The thing about me that the people that really know me will tell you is-although I have a great "tough-ass" act, yet  I break just like everybody else.That and I am loyal to the people I bring into my life. I've been told my loyalty is both my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. No matter what I will stand by your side and support you- if I believe in you no matter what the cost.

So how do you deal with it when you have to accept the fact that the one you defend is the one you should turn your own back on??

The  feelings - hurt, betrayed, pissed,  all running around inside at once. Do you break down and cry, hell no- that's a sign of weakness. Do you fight back? What's the point they don't care anyway. Do you just shut down? Nah, can't do that either - because then you're letting everyone else down that still needs you. So what the hell do you do?? 

I think I'll just let the feeling work themselves out and see what happens. What I wanna do I can't do-made a promise. Can't cry - just can't don't have it in me. I wanna hate- but that just a constant reminder of the hurt. I need help and have no where to run to. Crazy...my friends say " don't fuck w/ us because when you do, you fuck w/her". They call me the bitch of the group, and I've earned and sometimes I  live it. I guess it's true...."Sometimes people really  do put up wall not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to get it" Everytime I think I've got it figured out turns out I'm wrong. That's not always true, I've got my girls (and you know who you are) and to you- "I've got your back."

So I have come to realize that the best things in life are well worth waiting for...sometimes. Some of the best things I already have. I have a four year old that I love and adore who tells me all the time, "Mommy, you are my best friend, I'll never buy a new mommy cause your the best mommy in the world."  I have the best friend that a person could ever ask for. Someone that knows me, sometimes better than I think I know myself. She knows my biggest flaws and darkest secrets, (and even things that aren't secrets.) She's seen me at my worst and my best and she loves me anyway-despite some things that I've done. Aside from her I have some really great friends- some that I don't see or talk to everyday, but we always pick up right were we left off. Although my son's dad and I aren't together he is one of the people that makes the rough days not so rough. We still act like family, which is great Tyler has both of his parents and knows he is loved.  I have a family that is my rock, the one place I can always run to, especially my Aunt Helen and Uncle Danny. They are probally the only two people in my life I can say have never disappointed me, (which is not to say they haven't hurt me). They alone are my strong hold. No matter what I do or how far  from home I "drift" there they are, waiting to welcome me back home - not judging only loving me.

So if  I have all this, what could possibly be worth waiting for?? Well, I'm still waiting on my soul mate. But I've also been waiting to have someone so important to me back in my life and I finally have that. Not that we have what we once had (and maybe we never will.) But I talk to him and I smile, he makes me laugh. So he is worth the wait. I was so scared I would never be able to say I talked to him today. But I get to now and that is the greatest feeling in the world to me. I replay something he said and I can't contain the smile. Isn't it crazy- someone I use to think about and feel sad, empty, now I think about and smile again, I missed that feeling, but it has been worth  waiting for.

So yes, I am a believer that sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for. Everything that's good in my life has taken time. None of the good has happened overnight, the the great friendships, the family bonds or my son.  So on that note I'll keep waiting- for more. More happiness, more love, and to the next time I get to talk to him.