dear asshole,

it was a lovely day out today.  the sun was warm but the breeze was cool.  i felt a sense of true joy as i skipped down the street to re park my car.  you see, i was in a friday spot, and tomorrow being friday, i had to move as to not get a ticket.  normally i would be annoyed to have to go through this parking ritual. but because it was so beautiful outside, i was almost looking forward to it.  

i got to my car and slid into the seat.  it was warm, but not too warm.  this was to be a good parking experience.  i could feel it resonating through my bones.  i live in a part of brooklyn called park slope.  on sundays, you have to climb out of a sea of baby strollers and diaper bags to get to your steps, but i like it.  as you can imagine, because there are so many families, parking is a rather difficult task.  some days i circle for over an hour before i find a spot.  but i knew today would be different.  today the parking gods had cast their wise eyes down on me and my little green honda.  it would be a good day.

i had been driving for about 10 minutes when i saw it - THE PERFECT SPOT.  it was one block from my apartment and quietly shaded underneath a sweet little tree.  i imagined there to be a family of birds building a nest and cooing and cuddling in the branches.  my car would be happy here.  so happy.  i pulled up a few car lengths in front, put on my blinker and put the trusty little car in reverse.   here in NYC, when your car is in reverse, and your blinker is on blinking in the same direction as an empty spot, it is common knowledge that you have, as a dog, metaphorically speaking, peed on that spot and that spot is now yours.  so there i am, ready to pull into my perfect spot, when you, sir, come pulling up in your ugly powder blue shit-mobile.  you stop right behind me, and begin to BACK UP.  i felt my face flush and my pulse quicken.  my white knuckled grip on the steering wheel tightened.  instinctually, my palm went to the horn and hit it. “HEY!  This is MY spot!” i shouted into the rear view mirror, catching your beady spot stealing eyes.  you rolled down your window to further discuss.   you then opened your fat sweaty mouth “how do i know that you were pulling in, look how far up you are.”  you smiled a little bit, knowing full well what assholean words were pouring out of your face.  so i called you out on it. “Don’t be an asshole, you KNOW i was parking there!”  you then muttered something i could not make out and PULLED INTO MY SPOT.  i seethed with anger.  i was helpless.  i drove off imagining what horrible things karma had in store for you.  maybe you would get into an accident and total your car (but not be injured…otherwise i would be guilty).  or perhaps you would be towed one day and have to wait for hours to get your stank ass car back.  or maybe i would drag my key across the side of your door.  i went so far as to write you a letter once i had parked my car (3 blocks away but 10 minutes later.)

                       

                         ”You are an asshole and something bad is now

                          going to happen to you.  kharma is a bitch”

i was so angry that i misspelled “karma”.

i walked up to what i thought was your car.  i thought better of it and did not place the threatening letter underneath your windshield wiper.  i was not absolutely positive that the car i was standing in front of was actually yours.  perhaps my anger had clouded my vision.  i would hate to have some little old woman get into her car after her afternoon bird feeding session and find that note.  instead, i folded my letter in two and headed home.

but i know karma to be relentless.  i have felt the firey grip of her bony fingered hand.    and i promise you, a bird will shit on your hotdog, or a pot hole will flatten your tire,  or a squirrel with scratch your evil eyes out.  one day.  

it will getcha.