... journalists are fucking morons.

Science has, in recent years, gotten a truly terrible reputation thanks largely to fucking journalists meddling with research that they haven't the faintest idea what the implications are. Seemingly every week some radio or newspaper dickweed in his little journalism hole reports of the latest publication of seemingly frivolous scope, while the spectre of journalistic integrity haunts his every sweet corn-laden nugget of bullshit he squeezes out. Notice, next time you hear one of these stories, that the report will neglect to mention where this research is published.

Somehow, I get the sneaking suspicion that if you were to find the original source, you'd find that the research was investigating something rather more important. Why is this, you might ask? Because nobody funds research into whether or not shit stinks! It's patently fucking obvious. What the research will likely be investigating the compounds that most thoroughly repel mammalian nasal receptors, in order to develop a manure product that contains less of them, or something in that vein. Not quite such a frivolous bit of research now, is it, you fucking hack?

However, I'd be somewhat short - sighted if I were to suggest that science is the 24 carat mutt's nuts. No, it shares one loathsome trait in common with journalism. This principle renders all publications in the two fields firmly in the realm of dubious. Objectivity is a great big dirty lie. The easiest sign of someone with an ulterior goal is the claim of objectivity. The entire human experience of the universe is subjective, and thus objectivity is entirely unattainable. How then, as human endeavours, can both science and journalism claim objectivity as a central tenet? How might we discern where the underlying bias intrinsic to all their work ends and where truth begins? Until such a time when these industries of "truth" trade in the opaque for the transparent, we should remain vigilantly, and militantly sceptical.

I always found gun politics to be deeply odd. By British standards, I'm a filthy gun liberal who'd love nothing more than to have a gun in the hand of every schoolchild angry with his mother after finding out the populist bits of Freud. However, by American standards, I'm also a filthy gun liberal, which for some reason means that I want all guns sealed in fourteen cubic metres of concrete and padlocked in a subterranean vault kept at least a mile from anything resembling ammunition. I think the only thing consistent in my gun politics is that I haven't showered today. I've still yet to figure out how that is related to gun politics, but it is recurrent, so who am I to argue?

So why all this name-calling aimed at me? Well, I am one of these rare buggers, someone who has actually used a gun, but doesn't believe that unnaturally occurring things like weaponry are somehow naturally "Right" for people to posses. Nor do I believe that guns inherently prevent crime. Conversely, I believe that guns should be restricted in some respects, but don't believe that guns hide out in dark alleys and kill little old ladies. Guns have fuck all to do with crime rates in general. The only crime rates they have an appreciable effect on are gun crime rates. Besides, we have agencies for reducing crime rates. They tend to wear blue and luminous yellow, and have a suspiciously tit-like headpiece. If you need to resort to Johnny Public to fight crime, then we're bollocked anyway. Governments also shouldn't be under threat of force from the majority of cretizens, as many gun advocates will argue, simply because the use of a gun to make changes you want is unjustifiable when we exist within a steadfastly democratic framework. There is no need for the inalienable right to blast the mayor if he gets your dog put down, just vote him out next time!

That said, guns do have their uses. Most importantly, they're fucking cool. Anybody who denies it, and has ever tried paintballing or any first person shooter is a filthy fat hypocrite. That's not to say that anyone should be irresponsible with guns. Exactly the opposite, in fact! If you want to use a gun, it should be first priority to understand their capacity to malfunction. Proper training in use of firearms should be mandatory for those who wish to use or own them. It escapes me how anyone who may want to defend themselves with firearms would think it possible to do so when they don't know how to safely handle such a weapon. I would say that I'm open to suggestions, but clearly, any suggestions will be bullshit, so I'm not.

The Right to Bear Arms: so important, they forgot to include it in the constitution the first time around!

The limitation of firearms in Britain is frankly ridiculous. I cannot even own such beautiful works of art as the Luger or Webley. I want to fire a gun again, I want the exhilarating smell of gunpowder and the feeling of superiority achieved by accuracy. I want all this, but I don't want to have to break laws to do this. I want my bloody gun club back. All this talk of promoting "gun culture" is nonsense. The legislature that has all-but eliminated firearms from Britain also serves to make guns a symbol of the criminal sphere of society. I miss the times when a gun was something to be revered, not reviled.

There are just two things that really fuck me right off about political correctness. Well, that's not really true. There are, of course, many things that irritate me about it, but I'm only going to write about two.

- Political correctness. Yes, the whole thing is the first thing. To abuse what Douglas Adams once said, if this is everything, then what's the other thing? The obvious answer is that it is everything else. So, political correctness. The very words themselves are a politically correct statement. It's not "politically correct" at all. It has nothing to do with being politically correct, it is just being euphemistic. It propogates itself by a linguistic manipulation of meaning. It presupposes that by altering what is said to refer to something, it changes the condition itself; of course, we know that it doesn't. Calling somebody Handicapable doesn't mean they can get out of their wheel chair and party like it's 2099.

Perhaps the worst offenders of political correctness is used with regards to those areas which have been traditionally oppressed. Perhaps understandable, but entirely unnecessary. Americans often will refer to an "African american" race of people. That's bullshit. Most of those being referred to are about eighth generation african, if they have african ancestry at all. They're as american as the Model T (I assume that Poodle the automotive expert is going to try to tell me that it's not american, entirely missing the point, again). They'll even refer to people who aren't from america as "african american" because they're so stupendously scared of saying "black", which avoids the problem all together. If there are some idiots still being offended by that word, I suggest shutting the fuck up and getting out more, to realise that it makes no difference what your skin is referred to as. Other areas often subjected to euphemistic language are gender, religion (which lead me to be referred to as "faith impaired", avid and attentive readers may recall), and class.

I remember, during my two years at college, when (for a reason I can't recall) we were asked what class we thought we were, all but me regarded themselves as middle class, and couldn't possibly fathom how I could lower myself so by accepting the reality that I came from a nearing-breadline family. I was being looked as as though I'd walked in smeared in the blood of virgin children. And herein lies much of the problem. This "Political correctness" no longer serves the facade of protecting the minorites it refers to, it is in place to protect the majority that it does not refer to, in order to relieve their guilt for generations of oppression. The thing that they fail to understand is that I hold no middle class people responsible for my lower class upbringing, but I do hold them responsible for their cowardly flight from the truth under the guise of my feelings.

- The second thing that aggrievates me about political correctness is people who complain about political correctness. The vast majority of these cretins aren't complaining about the things I brought up in the above passage, they complain that they're confused now, or that they no longer can oppress people the way their "conservative" views would like to see them do so. The fact is that it is thanks to the precursors and original political correctness movements that any sense of equality in society has been achieved. In addition, these so called "conservatives" are propogating the thing they claim to hate by using the word "conservative" to regard themselves. Effectively, they're trying to admit that they are just using outmoded ideals that brought about the whole problem they complain about. They claim to be "conservative" when really, they just lag behind the pace of social progress. Ironic, no?

In other news, because MySpace's software is shit, I've been rather enjoying the [now, unfortunately, defunct] Earthtone9's "Amnesia" recently.

14 - My little brother. He broke my old toothy-thing when I was fighting to get the remote back after he stole it. Little bastard.

15 - My little brother. He broke the keyboard for the main computer by pouring a pint of shitty orange juice over it, so I had to offer my keyboard to be treated like a nuclear plant representative at a militant ELF meeting. Invariably he won't buy a new one to replace the one he broke, because mum has expressed interest in getting a new computer [for the last year and a half, but that won't matter].

16 - Webcomics. The vast majority of these obscene parodies of classic comics are lacking one quintessential component of most varieties of humour: a goddamned punchline! Far too many of these things are written by artists, and anybody who's ever spoken to anyone with the faintest visually artistic talent will know that they lack even the most rudimentary skill at creating a visually pleasing piece of work can't write a joke, or even do a decent job of siphoning one from a real comedian.

17. Curriculum Vitaes. Ah, the humble CV, the source of my more recent complaints. I hate these things with a real passion. Most things I complain about don't really rile me that much, but I seriously despise these. I hate the feeling of having to cut out the most rewarding and important achievements of my life in favour of those that will demonstrate my obviously superior characteristics. I loathe the idea that I should "market" myself. What next: will we find ourselves having to brand ourselves too? This two pages of only partially-truthful and wholly pointless information was brought to you by GuyCorp Inc. Guy Parker is a creation of GuyCorp character studios, a subsidiary of GuyCorp Inc. (c) 1985-2006. All rights reserved. Redistribution or imitation of this character is the sole reserve of GuyCorp Inc. and its associates, all infringements of this are liable for litigation.

18. Coheed and Cambria. Thanks to my two brothers who still live in the same house that I do, it is about the only thing I hear these days. Albums 3 and 4 on a continuous repeat. I remember why I disliked them in the first place. And they have the balls to complain when I listen to something that isn't just creating an hideous imitation of two equally bad genres of music in one widdle-fest of an album.

19. Anybody who believes that organisations who commit unlawful acts under the banner of ALF or ELF are justifiable. These people will hold the rights that they percieve above those instilled by the systems put in place to act in everybody's best interests. If you're killing people to encourage "animal rights", then you've evidently not thought too hard about what you're doing. You're killing or harming an animal, fuckstains! Humans are animals too, jerknoggins. And if they say that "well, they deserve it because they harmed another animal", then I'll see you later tonight with a baseball bat with a nail through it, and full justification in your own eyes. Pack it in, get laid and relax a little. We live in a system which allows change to be instated without resorting to barbarism, so fucking use it.

The Sun:

I blame this newspaper for the dis-education of British masses. Filled with nothing but blatant bovine-excrement and boobies, this newspaper is the cause of each and every cretin I run into whenever I venture outside my home, and half of the time when I stay in it. The worst part about it is that half of the news they report is [partly] their own idiot-mongering fault.

Not only are you creating a nation of cretins, youre also the monopoly on democracy. Every single party youve backed has gotten into power in the general election. 1^st prize for the elimination of the worth of British vote, fucknuts goes to Rupert Murdoch.

On a more positive note, congratulations on your truly compassionate coverage of the Hillsborough incident, you are bloody repulsive leeches, and scum of the fucking earth. I can imagine your board meeting that day: Theres been a tragic accident where many have died. I want you journalists to go hang around every hospital in Liverpool and target grieving relatives to try to get a sensationalist story.

I have nothing but contempt for our most popular newspaper, and every single one of its readers.

The Mail

Everything is going to kill us, apparently. And its all the lefties fault. I dont need to rip this one apart, because it does so itself. One observation I will make is that, for such a highly women-read newspaper, it is shockingly misogynistic. I suppose the only women who read this paper are wealthily-married unit-pumpers anyway, so it doesnt concern them. And we all know that, for conservatives, if it doesnt concern them, then they dont give a flying fuck anyway.

The Sport

Boobies. Thats it. Thats not news, not even when youre revealing which desperate J list celebrity has released a sex tape in a thinly veiled publicity-gobbling stunt. That, and your coverage of sport is shit. Its a misnomer too.

The Independent

Janet Street oh- my- fucking- lord- that- gaping- hole- in- her- face- threatens- to- absorb- the- entire- nation- into- one- giant- singularity- of- self- importance- and- a- sickening- parody- of- humour- and- abrasive- laughter- Porter. Seriously, who is this woman and why does she have an opinion on every earth-shatteringly-insignificant thing?

The Telegraph

A conservative party paper for intellectuals; is that not surely a contradiction in terms? Dont worry, loyal readers, it is. This paper is, Im certain, only kept in for constant and humorous premature obituaries and covering the shit that even the Daily Mail thinks is too wacky-rightist.

The Observer

You are the underachieving younger brother of the ever-belligerent Guardian. Get yourself a central nervous system and then come play with the big boys.

The Times

I was never going to get along with this newspaper, if only for its insistence on using this hideous font. Not only that, but it is such an heinous British Institution that it even remains in Nineteen Eighty Four. If only Orwell lived today, I wonder what wry observation hed make comparing OBrien to Rupert-the-supreme-overlord-of-the-west-Murdoch. Regardless. Dont read this tripe, unless you want to grumble about asylum and house prices.

The Mirror

Hooray for solidifying the impression that the anti-war rabble are a bunch of low-lives and imbeciles. Thanks to your shoddy journalistic integrity, I cant talk rationally about the Iraq war with anyone the other side of the Atlantic without them talking about liberal news and the Mirror, which funnily enough is decidedly pro-conservative. If ever anyone needed an excuse not to vote conservative, itd be that theyd have to agree with you on at least some issues, and for that I thank you.

The Guardian

A published version of every 15 year old with a blog who posts weekly updates of roflomgz!!! Bush iz a munky. Well done for upholding the remnants of British Journalistic integrity, you communaziberal lefty circle-jerk circus! Seriously, sending letters to Americans telling them how to vote. Do you honestly want those psychopaths to declare war on us next? Idiots.

The Express

For a purportedly family valued newspaper, your coverage of self-harmers was stunningly hypocritical. While I make no attempts to support these people, (after all, less emos in the world means less girly-men in the pit) I certainly wouldnt be as brazen as to say something like this:

"all self-harmers are tiresome attention seekers"

and to go on to suggest that they deserve no treatment from the NHS that, get this, they damned well paid for! If thats journalism, then my blog should get a readership of several thousand. Its not news, its a rant.

And while Im on the subject of rants, Ive fucking had it with the damnable conspiratorial Diana-rants they pass off as news on every other headline. Heres the headline they should published:

The Financial Times

In an otherwise entirely inconsequential news-outlet, I have two words to express why this paper shouldnt be:

Regan

My mum and I like to argue occasionally, for no other reason than because we can. She is always telling me that I'm too closed - minded, and that scientists never should be closed - minded. I counter this by pointing out that scientists aren't open - minded, and that the idea that we are is an heineous lie. Scientists are dogmatic and bull headed. We always assume that things aren't until there is sufficient evidence to show that things are. That's just the way the scientific method works.

Take for example crystal healing. There is no evidence to support the idea that crystaline deposits are beneficial to your health when applied by an unwashed muppet named after four kinds of plant. There is no proposed mechanism, and yet my mother would have me accept this money - grabbing fad twaddle like it were divine truth. I refuse because it is my job to not accept such unsubstanciated nonesense. If I did accept this bollocks, then what is there to stop scientists reverting to comfortable falsehoods such as mankind's evolution of the brain being the final step in the creation of Homo sapiens, or the earth being the centre of the universe? While the rest of you moronic Johnny Public can accept whatever lie you like to be true, I have a duty to not do so.

Despite my mother's insistance that I lack an open mind, my mother also supports mandatory removal of genetalia from rapists, and full frontal lobotomies for murderers. She consistantly appeals to the fact that "victims' families pay for these scum to be kept". Never mind the fact that in the city of Los Angeles alone there have been twenty such cases where convictions have later been overturned. Of course, she's not closed - minded with regards this, it's justice, not vengeance. If it were that simple, as she proposes, then why would every legal system in the civilised world not adopt such revolutionary and totally un - draconic policies?

http://www.truthinjustice.org/LA-list.htm

Some people truly are hypocrites, and if you support the same sort of thing as my mother does, I'm willing to bet that you're a big fat one too. Get a grip, you fascists! Shades of grey, and all that. Quit listening to mass media hype, which feeds off your most base fears, and learn to understand that they tell convieniant lies to rend the capital from you.

The love of money truly is the root of all evil.

For those who missed it, my recent bulletin was this:

Twenty to nine is an ungodly hour to be alive:

Seriously, my little brother's phone is set to remind him he has a text message every minute, with some stupid swooshy noise. Fortunately, he can sleep through them, but unfortunately I can't. Therefore I'm up.

Morning shouldn't be.

In other news, new picture, lykomgwtfpiccommentsplz!!!one?!eleventy-hundred-and-one. It seems all the cool kiddies are begging for attention these days, so I thought I'd try it, to see how many of you tools would actually be swayed by pester power.

Now, back to your scheduled quiz and bollocks bulletins.

With barely concealed hatred:
-Guy.

Nothing particularly new there, you may note. And you'd be right, but there is an important and rather salient point I made. In case you missed it, allow me to bellow so that it might penetrate that bony and devolved nodule you call your cranium:

MORNING SHOULDN'T BE!

In realisation of my own greatness, and destiny to fulfill the role of Supreme Overseer of the Human Race [and all the sub-species thereof] I shall make a preliminary list of the codes that shall be instated upon my ascendency:

-Morning is abolished.

-Marmite is outlawed

-Marmots are outlawed (those little bastards)

-Red crosses of any and all descriptions shall become universally recognised crosshairs. If you're dumb enough to affix those things to your cars, then you deserve a Tomahawk missile up your carbouretta!

Also, it'll circumvent all this "not shooting medics" nonesense. If you've ever played Team Fortress, you'll know that medics are the ones you should shoot first. Never trust a medic who willingly concusses themselves.

-Google.com will be exterminated and replaced with Oogle.com, [thanks Steve for the suggestion] which guarantees that at least 75 percent the search results [no matter what you search for] are links to virus - laden porn sites with no actual content, rather than it just being coincidence that that's what you always get.

-Bangra music is to be eviscerated upon creation. It serves it right, because that's what it feels like it does to me when it taints my presence.

-Misuse of an apostrophe result's in a slap on the wrist. Repeat offender's get a slap with an anvil.

-Anyone found not to be including two Is in Aluminium shall be post - foetally aborted. The same goes for these cretins who don't use an e in foetally.

-Dead baby jokes shall be protected as free speech, but "leet speek" shall not.

-Bass shall be recognised as a far superior instrument to guitar.

-Bands with cool references such as the reference to Radioactive Man's sidekick and to the pipboy from the Fallout games shall not be allowed to look or sound like this:

In fact, no - one will.

-Using a link in every other word in a blog or article shall be punishable by excrutiating torture. That means you, Alex.

-Times new roman as a font and entity shall be obliterated to atoms. Fucking superfluous lines on prose is just there to make dyslexics have about a four-hundred fold increase in the amount of time it takes to read.

-Cornwall insists on independence. Fine, I'll take a big fucking chainsaw and remove the tumour from the British Isles. Let the inbreds try to run their economy off clotted cream and cack.

-Smoking in public is to be rewarded for providing an entertainment:

-LARP events are to be used as close combat training for the Worldstate's armed forces. I'm not suggesting getting the army boys in elf get - up, I'm talking about getting some skinheads with combat knives and riflebutts into the dork herd and letting them bloody themselves in preparation for some real challenging combat.

-Old people are to be shot at birth.

Face it, I'd fucking rule as a World Controller. Submit now, and your demise will be that much swifter and less painfull.