Just been having some mental discharge. I'm thinking this would be better placed in another one of my blogs when there's more story and substance to any of this. But for now it'll rest here.


There wasn't much on it's mind that night. Nothing new anyway. New ideas, thoughts, and feelings hadn't come across the mind of the body as it tapped away at it's keyboard. Typing memoirs that'd never see another human's eyes. All it could think of that night was what had been, and what was gone. In it's mind there was nothing in the present, and a future as black and as vaccuous as space. Continuing to tap away at their keys the body would sigh every now and then. Trying to think of anything of any relevance to write about. With the wasted mind now consumed by it's own self-loathing nearly completely blank, it had paused. It waited endlessly for something; anything that could pass for good storytelling. And it waited. And that's all it ever wrote.






Hey there.
Hello.
How've you been?
Fine, you?
Same old same old. I've been wanting to ask you something actually...
Oh really? What would that be?
Well, it's about us.
What do you mean?
Are we, were we ever really "us"?
I don't know honestly.
I don't understand.
Well, I thought there was something. But then it just kind of disappeared a while back ago.
I remember that.
Yeah.
So what now?
What do you mean, 'what now'?
Well, is there anything there now?
I just told you it disappeared a while back ago.
I see.
What do you want? Really?
I want you. I don't feel right otherwise.
I'm sorry. I can't help you. Besides I'm with somebody now and I really think you need to move on. find someone else.
I know, but....
But what?
It just feels like I'll never find someone I can love like I love and loved you.
Chuck, please stop. Just stop. We were never really together. I mean, yeah I loved you once upon a time, but then reality hit me. We're so far apart, and you don't have your life together, and I have things I need to do because I want a good future. You never really had any real solid plans ever to begin with. Aside from coming all the way over here and being with me. But I had to keep telling you to plan your future for yourself and not revolve it around me. Do you even know at all what I want to do, where I want to go, anything? You're a nice guy, your heart is in the right place and you're really sweet. But you need to wake up and face reality. I'm sorry life has taken a major shit on you, I really am. But that's not something I can help you with. I don't mean to sound mean. I really wish you the best.
But you are the best.
Please stop it. Am I getting through to you at all?
I really don't know.
Then I'm not. Goodbye, Chuck. Let me know when things turn up for you.




If ever there was a sophomoric being this man we observe today would be it. Day by day would pass by and he was never sure about anything even if it stood dead in front of him. Call it what you want because he sure as hell wouldn't do it himself. This was the result of his ever shrinking self confidence over the past several years of failures, heartbreaks and overall stagnation. You couldn't even get him to take a walk anywhere by himself unless it meant his very survival. Sadly enough though, he didn't care much for it unless there was somebody else that mattered enough to him, that he felt compelled to be around and in constant contact with.

You know who you are. All of you.

Sit the fuck down. Grow the fuck up. Stick a pin in that overinflated balloon that is your ego. Quit. fucking. stalking. me. I was never yours, and at this rate will never be. Knock it the fuck off. How dare you smile and joke and taunt and tease and then turn around and talk down about me behind my back? You can't even accept petty meaningless shit about yourself because you're afraid of becoming something you hate. And You ARE becoming that horrible thing because you're acting immature and watching me like a fucking hawk. Do you really think I don't know what the fuck is going on? Do you take me as some kind of a fucking moron? You don't make me want to do anything but ask myself why the fuck do I put up with this shit? True, there is somebody that makes me want to do better, AND IT'S NOT FUCKING YOU!!! So fucking park that undeserved pride of yours. And don't fucking play dumb or say that I've got it all wrong. You're so full of shit, that I hope you feel like shit. Well, maybe not so much that, but I just wanted the excuse to use that expression. You can take your suspicions and redirect them because I've got nothing to hide/be ashamed of unlike you so obviously seem to. Oh, and go ahead with your silly supernatural bogus shit if it entertains you. That's all it will ever do. Even if something happens and you wished and hoped and blah blah for, I won't believe that you had any influence on it unless I see some concrete evidence. Try making a real farfetched prediction, tell me what it is, then lets see how it pans out. That's how you'll get any kind of validation from me, as if that means anything. Seriously, you're my friend, and I like talking to you and such, but you need to seriously piss off every once in a while. It gets on my fucking nerves and I REALLY don't feel like going through the process of writing you off because you rock, you're awesome and everything but CUT THE BULLSHIT!!! I'm being harsh about this because it seems to be the only way get a point across to ANYONE. Take what I'm saying, and please cut the shit so we can carry on our merry ways as friends.

I thought there was something.
But I guess not.
Oh the wonders of dualism.
I saw something just ahead of the horizon.
Fuck it was a mirage.
I thought "this is real, this is it!"
Nope.
I thought I was licking a silver spoon.
But it turned out to be a pile of dog shit.
This always happens.

At the same time I did this to myself and there's nobody else to blame.

Who the fuck is this?
Are you shitting me?
You're serious?
What a whackjob!
Wait a minute, What The Fuck?
Holy shit what's going on?
OMG I need a smoke.
OMFG I need answers.
I understand.
I respect you.
Are you shitting me?
What the fuck is this all about?
Fuck I hate doing this.
Fuck I hate doing this.
Fuck I hate doing this.
Fuck I need a phone.
Fuck I say "fuck" way too much.
Fuck I sound like Robert.
Ooh, You touch my tra la la.
Oh no you don't I'm stuck doing it by myself.
Fuck I'm bored.
I need something new to do.
Fuck I hate doing this.
Hold your tongue.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
For the _____ of _____ DON'T FUCKING SAY IT!
Leave ___ alone.
Fuck I'm hungry.
I really need to work on my communication.
FML.
I'VE GOT THE POWER!
Someone get me out of here.
What the fuck did I do?
Do I even really deserve ______?
What do I have to do?
Come on come on come on... Oh give me a FUCKING break.
OOH I like this writer!
FUCK this is boring!
God what a bitch!
Fuck her, fuckin' bitch and a half.
Fuck this story!
Spoiled bitch is being put in her fucking place!
Fuck this writer!
Fuck I need to get outta here.
But ______  in my dreams.
Yeah, in my dreams alright.
FML.
Fuck I have some crazy fucked up dreams.
I need to write this shit down.
I'm lonely.
I'm bored.
I'm putting forth the effort but am getting shit in return.
Why do I even bother?
Ahh, I feel better.
Hello there world.
How you doing?
I'm great.
I'm on top of this.
I'm on top of the world.
I want you on top of me.
Yum, escape.
Ick, there again.
I'm chill, I'm good.
I want to talk.
I need to talk.
Will you talk to me?
Who has two thumbs and needs to chill the fuck out? THIS GUY!
How am I supposed to get anything like this?
What do I gotta do to change this?
What do I have to do to get ____?
Alright let's do this.
Fuck I hate this part.
________ is  more than worth it.

A man stood atop of a mountain and told everyone what to do. Then killed those who disobeyed.

And the children watched.

Two men fought over a piece of land until one killed the other.

And the children watched.

A revolution swept the nation. Thousands of people died in the war.

And The Children Watched.

3 junkies sat in the living room, trading off hits of smack.

And their children watched.

A Man shot himself on the TV.

Childhood memories help to pass the time.

Well I'm back. I've been back for quite some time now. I still haven't hung out with a good chunk of my friends here. I've been looking for jobs online mostly. The terrestrial applications have been s slower process sue to not having all of my old jobs details written down, because I suck at that. Been doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling like shit otherwise.

Kids being molested,
people getting arrested.
Evictions,
addictions,
reading classic fiction.
No more electric,
situation's hectic,
everybody's runnin' 'round
acting epileptic-
seizure's getting higher
people getting fired
food's been getting low
eating shit that's expired.
Nothing to do with nowhere to go
What happens next fuck I don't know
Got a girl in Cali
we're like Jack and Sally
Had to shout "I love you"
before this rap hit it's finale.

What? It's true and it beats most of the crap polluting the airwaves. Sue Me! I've been listening to a lot of Wu-Tang lately.

I went because I wanted to kickstart a new life.

For the few that don't know already, I've been kicked out of my former adoptive parental unit's house and am stranded in a homeless shelter in Knoxville, TN until I can catch a bus to San Francisco. Yesterday after the day area closed up and I logged off, I was talking with a man who'd approached me and we shot the breeze. He offered me a dollar to use a locker at the Greyhound station for a day so I wouldn't have to worry about someone trying to steal my laptop overnight. Turns out they didn't have lockers. Then the guy offered to hang out for a while, so I figured why not. So I put my shit in his car and we went to the commons in Knoxville. Reminds me of Ithaca, only bigger. Then we went to the dude's brother's apartment where I was able to get something decent to eat (Mac&Cheese, Stir Fry, Garlic Bread). Also got to take in a movie; 2001 Maniacs. Starring Robert Englund (Freddy!) and Lin Shaye. About some college kids getting detoured into an isolated old southern village full of cannibalistic confederates. After that, we went around the World Fairgrounds and I got to go up in the sunsphere and see the city from the sky. I wish I had a camera of my own. There were so many things worthy of being photographed. Afterward I was given the option to go back to the shelter, or I could spend the night at him and his mother's house. Well it wouldn't be as interesting of a story if I had decided to do the former. I had to sneak in through a side door and lay low in his bedroom so his mother wouldn't see me. Here's where it gets awkward. when he'd go out of his room I had to lay on his bed and conceal myself under a blanket to be hidden in case his mother came in. We kicked back and drank some vodka and coke. I didn't move around much so as to maintain my composure and not let the booze get to my head. Then when it came time to finally crash I was originally given the option of sleeping on the floor which I elected to do. But he was so paranoid from his mom being awake and about that I had to again, hide under the covers (doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it?) I was so uncomfortable. The bed was pretty big but he was right up on me. I kept on easing over to the edge to get on the floor because after a little bit he started to rub my shoulders even after I told him I don't like to be touched by anyone outside of a handshake unless they've been a friend of mine for quite a while. The only people I could ever stand to have any prolonged physical contact with happen to be women whose initials are A.R. and T.S. These two people I can trust with my life because I've known them for over a year and I greatly admire the forward thinking and intelligent people they are. Anyway, I told the guy to stop touching me, and I finally managed to slip down onto the floor. I was able to doze briefly when I felt the fucker's hand wandering around on my arm and side. I told him no means no and if he kept it up I would shout "RAPE!" and cause a scene. after that I was able to rest without further interruption. At 6:30 we got up and I was dropped off back at the shelter to catch breakfast and go about with my day. Unfortunately, I left my hat and toothbrush/toothpaste there so I'm going to have to take up his offer on staying the night at his place again so I can retrieve them. I have a disgusting taste in my mouth via morning breath, the horrid food served here, and taking a drag from a cigarette. It's so fucking bad, halitosis worthy and it's only taken just a few hours to get this bad. So I'm keeping my speech to a minimum until I can get ahold of at least a breathmint. Like it's so bad I could vomit from my own fucking spit. Reminds me of my old neighbor Pam from when I was in Michigan who I could smell from over 10 feet away when she'd walk in the door. Bitch looked like the really skinny zombie with reaaly thin hair and a long neck in Land of the Dead. So now I gotta wait and risk being molested so I can remedy this. Then tomorrow I can go to Homeward Bound and arrange for my trip. I know it's not the best defense, but I have a real fork with me and I'll stab a mofo if they try to get frisky or froggy on me. I'll go psycho McGyver on their ass in a heartbeat. If I should meet my demise, I leave all my things to all of my friends in New York and Florida, as well as that one special lady in California. If my body is recovered, donate it to science, and turn the rest into fertilizer to be placed either by a California Redwood, or in a flower garden at anyone of my friends' houses.

It has been suggested that I make a list of pros, cons, and goals regarding myself. As I'm well known for being a downer, I won't disappoint and start with the Negative Nancy stuff.

Cons:

I am 22 and have yet to advance my education past High/Tech School.
I have no driver's license.
I have no job.
I have little work experience.
I have no assets.
I'm in an unknown amount of debt from unpaid utilities, hospital expenses and overdraft fees.
I have a severe chemical depression problem that goes unchecked.
I am afraid of the world around me.
I keep myself confined indoors unless it is necessary that I go outside.
I'm a very shy, quiet introvert, and will only speak when spoken to with very rare exception.
I wield recently acquired knowledge that I don't fully understand like a kid who's found their dad's gun.
I sit glued to a monitor all day checking & updating social networks that I'm a member of.
I have no foresight/immediate goals/long-term plans.
Since becoming a legal adult, I have lived on my own for a compiled total of eight months.
I complain, but take no action to change the things I dislike in my life.
I still don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.
I don't use the advice I give.
I am impulsive and make far-fetched and erratic decisions without think them through.
I somehow manage to pull off having a superiority complex.
I seldom express myself in any fashion.
When I do express myself, it's negative.
I often contemplate the act of suicide.
I want things that are impossible to attain in my current state and in doing so set myself up to stay in a low state of mind.
I attach myself to people easily and am clingy to the point of others' discomfort and avoidance of me.
I'm an annoyance to the people I care about.
I am paranoid/jealous when in a relationship if I'm not constantly reassured.
I don't pick up on subtle hints.
I don't brush my teeth.
I take showers only when I start to smell myself or I have to go out and make a good impression.
I take forever to do things even if it's a simple task that I'm good at.
I'm a hardcore procrastinator.
I still don't know whether I'm a straight man or a gay woman in a man's body.

Pros:
I don't actually intend to commit suicide. That's the most idiotic thing for someone to do unless the only alternative is extreme suffering immediately followed by death anyway.
I am faithful and monogamous in every relationship with no exception.
I am a caring, sympathetic, empathetic individual.
I'm a good listener.
I only say what I mean with the exception of obvious sarcasm/humor.
I am attractive looking.
I have reunited with all three sides of my family consisting of two mothers, a father, my (adoptive and only) grandparents and great-grandmother, 5 sisters, and two brothers.
I learn things quickly.
I am eager and ambitious.
I am open minded.
I am energetic and can get a crowd moving about.
I am charismatic.
I'm driven to do well at whatever I do (unless it's work that makes me miserable).
I am a better judge of character than I used to be.
Apparently 10 out of 10 women who for some reason have done the deed with me agree that I am well endowed and am a good time.
I have dreams of the future.
I have friends I can count on.
I am grateful.
I don't require a lot to make me happy.
When someone I care about is hurt, I am quick to try to make them feel better, and I have their backs when confronted.
I write well.
I am not greedy.
I do not take what I am not offered.
I seldom take what I am offered.
I refuse monetary gratuities from people.
I compensate favors done by friends, even if they don't think I owe them.

Current Immediate Status:
I still live in a tiny shit town with nowhere to go and nothing to do.
I'm looking for work. I'm shooting for one of two job openings at a TV station in Knoxville, but am also desperate enough to work at abhorrent places such as Crackdonald's and again at the Low-Priced Hate Machine better known as Wal-Mart.
I live with my adoptive family, I have ample food supply and shelter.
There is a specific individual who I have strong feelings of admiration, adoration, respect, and love for, who I hope to finally unite with in the very near future.

Goals:
I plan to move to California once I have the money to get me there.
I want to be with the person who I constantly think and dream of.
I want to further my education in the entertainment business and continue to pursue a career in said business.
I want to finish making my album and work with a band of open/like minded musicians.
I want to audition for as many things as possible and get my big breakout in Hollywood.

If that's not a clear snapshot of who I am I don't know what is. Aren't I just the most eligible bachelor that everyone wants to get with?

I was thinking about writing a narrative of my life in the past several months, but I think this will suffice.

I need to go. Bottom line. I have dreams, dammit. If I don't seek out to grasp them, then I might as well jam a 12 gauge in my mouth. I want to audition hundreds of thousands of times and make contacts and get roles and perform on stage and in studios. I want to be with the one I love. I don't want to fade and be remembered as just another person known by few and unknown by many. Delusions of granduer and companionship drive me to this. I don't know where I'll go, what I'll do, or if I'll succeed or die a failure. I just have to take a shot. Seeing people my age and younger in Rolling Stone, Spin, and other corporate Hollywood hype media who are driven, lucky, and so on drive me as well. I want this, I need this. I want to be a product of this garbage than to be a casualty.

Here's how you play: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird random facts, habits or goals about yourself , at the end choose 10 (or more) people to be tagged, list their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment saying "Tag! You're It!" and to go read your blog. You can not tag the person that tagged you so since you can't tag me back let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.
 
1. I have a bad habit of assimilating other people's traits into my own personality therefore making me unoriginal.
2. I don't know my own sexuality or sexual identity.
3. I sometimes wish I could suffer a head injury that'd make me a savant.
4. I didn't watch TV for a year until I moved to a place that had the National Geographic Channel, The History Channel, and VH1.
5. I have not yet fired a gun.
6. I shave my entire body save for the top of the head hair.
7. I feel almost unique in NOT having any tattoos or piercings despite I have a few ideas for tattoos. I just have other things I'd rather spend my money on.
8. I want to travel the world with at least one friend.
8a. I don't like travelling anywhere alone. Even to the grocery store. Unless I have music; then I can deal with it.
9. I still talk to my former case manager from when I was 14-15 on a casual basis.
10. I think I'd make a decent teacher or counselor and was inspired to do so by Drew Barrymore's character in Donnie Darko as well as one of my old foster brother's telling me that he looked up to me second to his own father. I still want to be an active producer and legitimate performer though and have not yet decided what I want to pursue because I don't want to leave anything out.
 
I'm going to tag....Everyone who reads this because I'm lazy.

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Now playing: Marilyn Manson - Get Your Gunn
via FoxyTunes    

I just received a knock on my apartment door, and the one neighbor I associate with isn't home. So that only means ONE thing. The Management of the building I live in is impatient and wants their rent money. Or Else I get tossed out. I have 2 weeks to either get $380 for the rent, or get the fuck out. I need someone to crash with until I can get back on my feet. If I don't get help here in NY, I have to go back to FL. Think of it as a broke man's extradition. I have shit going for me otherwise up here, and I don't want to fuck that up so PLEASE, NY FRIENDS, HELP A BRUTHA OUT!!!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:? (fill it out)

» I was committed:
» I said I love you:
» I said something crazy:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started doing drugs:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I disappeared:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
» I was bitten by a zombie:
» I was arrested:
» I died:
» I reappeared in your bedroom one night:
» I told you a dangerous secret:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
» Voice:
» Body:

[1] How close do you live to me?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you have sex with me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] Am I crazy?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

I may as well feed the monkeys that just want to get to the stuff that is in the future.

Due to being recently unemployed, I've had a very strained income. any money that I've spent has been toward food, and stuff to take care of my cats with.

I AM BROKE. I HAVE TO ASK MY MOTHER FOR FOOD.
IF I DON'T GATHER $380 I WILL BE EVICTED FROM MY HOME AND HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.

A friend of mine who I can depend on is not leaving me in the streets to rot if this happens and I WILL BE GOING BACK TO FLORIDA.


I'm trying like fuck to stay though. I'm continuing to job hunt, I'm applying for emergency public assistance, and my mom suggested that I actually express how I want to end my life so I can get a psychiatric evaluation so I can get some sort of healthcare and medication. I'm kinda tempted to do it, but I'm really scared of getting into more debt having to pay the bill for that, but maybe I can get SSI.


You should totally comment my new main pic.

I just hope I can bring Calico Jack with me, we totally love eachother (and not in an interspecies erotica way either, fucko). This cat is the best ever. I gotta have keyster too to keep him company, they're siblings dammit!
Luckily, I still have and use my Florida ID after all this time, so I can just roll up to a either SPC or PHCC and have my reduced tuition for being a Floridian.

So anyway, on to the updates:
I've become accustomed to living by myself and it's really not much different than living in one big bedroom. The only other people around don't bother me. Wow.

For 2 months I went without hot water and had only showered twice, at my mom's house. My place was the epitome of a single male's domain; empty food containers, laundry all over the floor, overall disgusting, and not a shred of carpet in sight. Eventually, the fleas from the neighbor upstairs migrated down here and found a utopia. You can see specks of bloodmixed with flea eggs on various surfaces from the cats scratchhing so hard. Naturally I couldn't bear to see it anymore, so not only did I clean the fuck out of my place, but I also got flea shampoo and a bomb. A few of the little N1993rbu65 managed to survive, but I plan to do a second wave of attacksand do 'em in.

I was fired from Wal-Mart over a month ago for "swearing" ironically the day I came to work with a mohawk. I've since been trying to work at a temp agency, but to no avail, and it seems I may have to drain my security deposit and start packing my shit. My typical day now consists of waking up before the-ass crack of dawn, walking for half an hour to the temp agency and it breaks into two variables from here:

1: I get work, go out, and clean up or pack or transport some large heavy objects for anywhere between 2-9 hours with no lunch break despite it being deducted from the pay ticket. I take the check, deposit it into the bank, then go to either crackdonald's or the hodgiemart and grab something to eat. I then go home, feed my kittens, clean up after them and then sit my ass on the lay-z-boy in front of this cursed laptop.

2: I wait in vain until about 10am and go home, dress up then walk around various parts of the city looking for a job. Or I just stay home, and waste away in bed.

Today I plan to go apply for emergency public assistance.

I'd better get going if I'm going to do it at all today.



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Now playing: Voltaire - Death Death (Devil, Devil, Devil, Devil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil Song)
via FoxyTunes   


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Now playing: Marilyn Manson - Cake and Sodomy
via FoxyTunes   

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Now playing: John 5 - 2 Die 4
via FoxyTunes