If it is my gift
to widen eyes,
raise cheeks,
part lips,
expose teeth,
and tighten abs,
while air
meant for sustaining life
is transformed
into a three part harmony
of "ha", "ho", and "he",
may my last breath
on Earth
be wrapped up
in a punchline.

Okay, so this blog is way overdue....even though the event only happened a week ago.....but here it goes:

First of all, the backstory. My company, being full of musical talent of all ages and abilities puts on a concert roughly 2 or 3 times a year. Anyone can do it. If you only sing, the house band will learn whatever song you want. If you have co-worker buddies that play instruments, then create a band and come up with a 30 minute set. I started too late to get in on the Summer of Love Jam, and because of work issues they had to put off this particular one until Feb....but when they announced it, my boss-boss sent out an e-mail if anyone wanted to put together....so in the reply all, I said, "Well I sing karaoke a lot, so I can sing...but I can't play an instrument well enough for a performance." So he shot an e-mail out saying he'd play guitar and another guy said he'd do guitar and keys. And so our little project was started. This was around the end of November. It took awhile to pick songs, but I knew I wanted to sing Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle"...and "People are Strange" by the Doors. Originally we were going to have a girl in our band who also said she played flute, and we thought of songs that had a flute in it, but then she changed her mind....and we had to think of some other songs....they had considered The Cars "You Might Think", but we never got around to it. Then they said Jimi Hendrix "Little Wing". I was ashamed to say I'd never heard it...but it's a beautiful song. As we began working on those three (which I was horrible at remembering lyrics for the longest time. We'd practice once a week. My boss-boss had a little problem getting the licks down for the Middle despite playing for many years. There's a lot of production tricks that aren't so easy to pull off....But we began to nail them down slowly. Then he asked one guy who was already it 2 bands and a band outside of us if he would play bass with us. And the guy said sure. The three of them have decades of experience amongst them...I was the noob...

So we started getting them down and then I suggested Cheap Trick "I want you to want me" at the same time the guitar/keyboardist mentioned he had a band that used to do this 4 song mash-up because all the song had the same primary riffs in them. It was a mixture of Neil Diamond's "Cherry Cherry", John Mellencamp's "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A", John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band's "Dark Side" and The Romantics' "What I Like About You." While I was naturally compelled to the Cheap Trick song, totally in my range (I like to sing a lot of ballads with falsetto when I do karoake, like Radiohead, Spandau Ballet, INXS, lots of random 80's new wave, love songs, some country ballads.). But I knew I could do Cheap Trick. But the mash-up was hard as I really didn't know the Neil Diamond tune that well...I was still learning the timing on Jimi's song and even though I love the Middle, I kept mixing up lines (and there aren't that many!!!) With three weeks to go we began practicing once during the week and once at the boss' house on Saturdays....We added a drummer 3 practices before the gig (he's been playing for 30 years and picked every song up on the first day. The last two get togethers felt good, even though I still flubbed a little bit....including the night before.

That whole week leading up to it, I was in a fog....I listened to those songs a million times and felt my brain wasn't even in my job or even at home when I tried to sleep, I'd be going over the lyrics in my head constantly....and I take sleeping pills!! The day of, as you could tell, those who read my pre-show blog, I was wiggin...but excited at the same time...I was scared, but I wanted to take the stage and get it done too...

So I arrive at the show and the first band is just starting their set. Because one group was out sick that supposed to be before us, and because of my mistake in adding up time, I thought we were supposed to be on at 10, but realized we'd be hitting the stage around 9....When I got there I wasn't nervous at all, despite the fact that the place was packed...I had been drinking lots of water with lemon (a trick I learned in a singer's book) and took a throat lozenge with me for just before we went on. Since they can smoke in this bar I was really worried about my voice....

Well just as the band before us was halfway done with their set, I went to the john and took my pre-game piss. I walked out and was starting to go up the ramp again and it hit me again. I wasn't sure if it was nerves or actually cause I'd drank so much water...so I waited a minute and went back in...drip drip...their set was done..it was go time...I felt really amped, but in a good way (and was proud of myself for that fact).

I tried to help my guy's set up their stuff but was more in the way. So I stayed off the stage, after putting my lyric sheets on the stand that was supplied (I brought them just in case). A couple times during the last week I would just totally blank out. So I didn't want to be up there and look stupid. Well lo and behold, I think we're pretty much ready to go, but my keyboard/guitarist guy is having a hard time getting any sound. It had also taken him a long time to set up. And suddenly I had the urge to pee again. I was like NO!!!!! Not now, in front of everyone. I can't run to the john. And I also started feeling the restlessness of the crowd. I quickly made a joke about "Sorry to disappoint you for not dressing up like Britney but she's dead" (since I had one the Halloween contest dressed as her, I'd been called Britney since then - see my photos section if you didn't know that - and a lot of people expected me to dress up for the gig somehow, but I didn't)...It got my mind off it for a second, and then the urge to pee grew, but then I suddenly heard the keyboard. It was go time. No now his guitar was silent. Suddenly, my boss says to me, "Fuck my guitar is totally out of tune.." I'm thinking disaster! NO NO NO NO!!!!! I'm the rookie here, you guys are the professionals...come on...Then the keyboardist/guitarist suddenly has sound...whew....so the emcee announces us while my boss is trying to quickly tune his guitar...

At that moment, I lost all sensation in my groin area as my head was filled with the thought of the first lines I had to sing. Before I know it I hear the click, click drumstick count off from the drummer and the guys start with the jug, jug, jug of the intro to "The Middle" YouTube it if you don't know the song....well I could hear they were off, but when it came time to sing I just went for it. During the course of the song I could not hear myself, or the bass, and the monitors for us were going in and out making it really hard to get a feel for the ins and outs, but looking out on the dancefloor, everybody was into it...my little sister who came with my mom and brother was dancing out with Erin and I was totally feeling the moment. This was great.....When the song came to an end, the crowd whooped really loud....I had survived the first song with no screw ups and they liked it. (Now mind you the average age at my work is people in their late 40's and up....so I didn't expect much for that song...but they liked it)....So then I tried to be cute and start Cheap Trick off the way he does in the live version by saying "I want you.....to want me" and the drummer started to hit the skins...but our guitarist wasn't retuned yet...so I was like ugh! Then he was ready.....

So we go blazing into that song and people are even more into it, dancing away and even singing the "Crying, Crying, Crying" part back to me when that part of the song happened....when it was done, they were going nuts...and I felt great. I'd kind of sluffed into one line, but I'd nailed all the higher notes with no issue. And the last part of the song, where it's just drums and slowly singing "I want....you......to want me....." I did in a Punjabi accent just for fun, and got a laugh..so that made it worthwhile too.

After another rousing applause it was onto "People are Strange". By the time my boss it the three guitar note intro, I got my inner Morrison on, and leaned into the mic, trying to capture the emotion and moodiness as he did when the recorded it, and trying not to let the influence of the Echo & The Bunnymen version from The Lost Boys get in there (though I like the flow of there's just a bit better. It's close. But they win by a hair, cause I'm an 80's kid for criminy sake!). Even though it's a slow song the crowd was diggin it and singing along, and dancing?! As easy as it is to sing, with the on-stage conditions of the really hard to hear music, and my mic (that's how we spell it in the industry, not "mike") going in and out from the monitor facing me. I thought it sounded mediocre at best. But that's not what the crowd was hearing or feeling. When we finished with the long, sensual, final "Straaaaange", another loud applause.

Next up Hendrix. Of all the bands and musician's we have famous posters and memorabilia of at work, it's Jimi. I think there's more Hendrix fans out ther than anything. And I only know a few key hits (no pun intended). So if there was a song I did not want to mess up, it was "Little Wing". It's also originally a less than two minute song, so we had (they since I just sing), rearranged it so that we played it once as written, with two extra solos at the end, using the Eric Clapton rhythmic ending to take us back to the beginning again. Like I said above. I didn't know the song, really. But by the time we had practiced and I'd listened to it over and over and over, I have to say it became my favorite. For such a small piece it has great simple lyrics about love. And then there's the music. During practice, many times I would find myself getting lost in the solos and the overall vibe of the music, forgetting to sing. I also don't think it was my strongest song to sing, because Jimi has such a distinct voice and sings with the style of guitar playing he did, which as we all know, wasn't the straight 1,2,3 others did. Despite this complete slow down in our set, after such a pumped up first 2 songs, it was also a hit. And just like in pratice, I was into the mood. Since it was a mellower tune it was easier to her the guys playing guitar, although I had to really listen to hear the Clapton part for my return to singing the second time around. When it was done, more applause, and now it was time for the finale sort of.

I quoted Monty Python, "And now for something completely different. (and I added) If we pull this off, I hope you like it." Or somethig like that....Man I'm getting old. I can't even remember what I said a week ago. Of all the songs, even though they are all very much the same sound, the subtle changes were key, as was my timing in singing what I sang. And until I actually have an audio copy, I won't be able to tell you how it sounds, but it has parts where I go directly from one song into another, and some parts where there's musical breaks as the song shifts from one to another. In practice, they had changed some of the ways in which we transitioned, and even on our last day of rehearsal, the night before, they had tweaked it just a little, and our bass player who was in 3 bands that night, had to learn the changes that last night. So who knew how this was going to go over, or if we would blow it, if I would blow it. Well I came in a little early on one part, which is after a musical interlude which I forgot to mention, a solo of sorts that is a 20 second or so that he called Hungarian Rhapsody, a melody you've heard before, which I actually sort of did the whole Russian dance where they crouch with their arms folded and legs intermittengly kicking out. I was a little concerned because of I've been playing volleyball, and my knee has been a little tender, and I didn't want to find it give out and have me fall on my ass..but nothing disastrous happened. In practice, the last few times they couldn't figure out how they wanted to end the song, and at the zero hour (a week before we were to have the show, they decided it could go right into Money by Floyd. Now I've heard the song a million times, but I could not get the timing down, and again would mix the verses in my head. I finally got it on the final practice, listening intently on the the drummer for my cue when to come back in.

When it was all over, we got a huge ovation. I couldn't believe it was over. I went into roadie mode so we could get off the stage and let the next band take over. As I made my way through the crowd to put the equipment away, I was constantly patted on the shoulder and told in so many words "You guys rocked!" and "Dude, I didn't know you could sing like that!" And when I would tell them it was my first time ever doing that with a band, I got the "Are you serious? You looked so natural!" I was told by one guy how the Cheap Trick brought back memories of him when he was a kid with his record player (remember those old people?) playing his brother's copy of Live at Budokon. For the rest of the night, everywhere I walked, from the people who worked there, people who were just there, and my coworkers, I was told how much we rocked it.
Despite all the problems setting up, and with the problems we had up on stage, the consensus was we kicked ass. I was even told by one guy, "Dude you popped the cherry of the dancefloor, that's always huge."

So now that I've done it, I know I can do it, and vow to do it again. I've been asked by one co-worker to do a duet where I do the girl part and she does the guy part (as a gag), one guy is wanting to do a few rap songs (more old school), and of course my main bandmates are starting to think up a new recipe for success. Since we were pretty much the big hit (although the other bands all had their strengths, including 2 featuring people in my area who also covered some great 80's tunes, and some others that did all originals), I want to somewhat up the ante. One part of me wants to do an all-80's set. Another part of me wants to do a little harder edged songs (though I don't have a rock 'n' rollers voice. But as much as this was an update, and thanks for reading the entire thing, I want to say to you out there who may think "I could never" or "I'm too scared to", if I could fight off my anxiety and do this, you can too...someday I will do comedy. This was a dream come true, and even if the next show (tentatively set late May, early June) sucks, I'll do it again. Go for it. Give life a shot. You never know...it might be more fun than you think.

Also, anybody got any ideas for any songs (knowing what I can sing and even if you don't that would get people on the dancefloor and have fun like the songs we sang before.)? I've been looking through YouTube and stuff, but there might be a song that is universally liked that I haven't remembered that you might....who knows...I might do it. Thanks. Love ya all. Thanks again for reading and for those who sent support.

B to the rocking C.

Here's how you play. Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("You're It!") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers.

1) I sufer every day with anxiety. The days I make it through with little to know fanfare, I feel blessed. The bad days, I wish I was inflicted with something else..like a bad foot or something. Playing head games with yourself really sucks ass.

2) I used to want to have hair like Dave Gahan...now I just wish I had hair to play with....besides Erin's (and I don't mean it like that..)

3)I eat the same thing for breakfast and roughly the same thing for lunch every day of the week. On the weekends, I'm lost at what to feed myself...and I never know why...

4) I used to be 350 pounds at least...and I still see myself that way even though i don't weigh anywhere near that. I'm in the best shape of my adult life, but I still feel fat (and I just found out my BMI is 19...which is actually pretty good...doc told me I could gain 19 pounds and still be healthy)

5) I get told a lot that people I used to hang out with and work with miss me. It hurts every time, because they all miss one person, but I miss so many.

6) If I had the courage to go on a game show and win lots of money I would pay my mother off, buy us new cars (finally), and fight some of my anxieties to go to see UNC and Ohio State and the Texas Rangers (I have a brick with my name on it at the stadium I need to see).

7) I hate being poor, but I love that I'm still a giving person with my heart always. I don't know where I got that trait from, but I thank God.

8) If you haven't seen Boondock Saints, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, or Shoot 'Em Up...you're missing out on three great movies...

9) I want to have a baby and conquer my fear of dying before I add to the world

10) Someone recently told me "I can't see anyone hating Chris"....and you know I can't tell you about any enemies I've ever had other than one fight in the fifth grade. I like that. I hope it stays that way.

I will be tagging: random people....

Six months without a blog? Lord...what have I been thinking? What have I been doing? I didn't realize I'd been so bad about that....I have so many pictures to put up as well...I'm lagging....well to be honest...I've been a lot busy with different things. I have been practicing with a band (yes real musicians) from work for a work Jam night here in town next month. I've joined a volleyball team with my BFFFHS Stacey (we swear we'd be Best Friends Forever From High School as we love the same music and a lot of things, she's just the female version of me and a really kick ass friend who's comedy and friendship has been a much needed 2-way street...long live DANE COOK, is all I have to say about that. Did you bring your coups?) I've also been doing comedy and karaoke almost every Friday night wth my wife. We do the karoake after watching the comedy...I wish I had done karaoke more in Cali...I really enjoy singing and being a clown sometimes...plus when you nail a song (True, Spandau Ballet, yeah I nail that one every time)...it feels great (not as good as sex, but damn good)...I'm also in a writing group every other weekend on Sundays, trying to keep myself writing...and I've worked on a few projects, but I spend less time writing then I should....after winning the guitar on Halloween, I've been spending a lot more time screwing around with my guitars, trying to become a better player....So if I missed sending you a B-day message, I apologize...Lord I tried to send everyone a personalized Holiday message and had to give up after a while....there's just too many of you people...but you know I love you all....I hope to video tape this band thing, no matter how good or bad it comes out performance wise...and make my debut on YouTube which I'll also post here...please wish me luck...
Anyways, thanks for reading....I saw Invincible tonight (yeah it's Disney, and the story isn't one we've kinda heard before....Rudy for the pro set), but it's got me thinking more positive about doing something with myself...I'm inspired right now and I hope to keep it that way...but first I shall procrastinate by finishing the stupid video game I've been playing...(besides Guitar Hero 2..)....
I hope you all are well. Know that I love ya...and miss ya, no matter how much or how little I know you...it's just the kind of person you know I am....
Bless you all.....or should I say God Bless you all (cause I'm not God....another Dane Cook ref...a little FF from Dane)..
Peace....keep smiling...Live, Laugh, Love, and Fart like no one is looking....or is that Dance? 

You know....my life has been such a crazy up and down ride...everybody's has...but since we each experience our own lives in our own heads, our own experience is unlike any other even when we have similar experiences.

What's your point? I don't know...I just finished writing my cousin Trisha a letter. Being that Trisha and I are only separated by a couple years, and that our families lived close enough we were constantly in each other's company, she's my closest cousin. I love all my cousins no matter how little I see them (this includes my second cousins)...but Trish and I have way more memories then any of my other family members outside my parents and siblings.

I haven't seen her in almost 3 years now, and it got me thinking how much I miss family. When I was a kid, we'd have family dinners with the grandparents on both sides all the time. My great-grandma would cook for my stepdad's family while my brother and cousin Michelle (who is in my top 24) were taking their first baby steps. We'd sometimes go to Concord and hang out with my great uncle and their family (including my stepdad's cousin the famous animator I'm sure you've all heard me talk about), and after dinner we'd watch a video of something the future mega-talented teen had created, whether it was recreation of Dance Fever, Family Feud, or his first stop-motion film which got him into Cal Arts and eventually Disney...
On my mom's side we'd have dinners at Bud and Norma's all the time...while they served cheese and crackers before hand, grandma always served the smallest portions while my uncle Nimrod and my stepdad Lou would take turns out eating each other...Lou looked the part, while Nim stayed slim somehow...Trish and I would always be squirmin in our seats to get away from the table and head into the TV room so we could dump out the trashcan of colored blocks, catch the popular TV shows, or play War...
When I was lucky enough to see my real dad's side of the family, my cousin Shannon (who is Trish's age) Cathy, also up there, Aimee, a couple years back, and the only other male besides me on that side, Bradford, always had a good time. Even my cousing Kendall who barely knows me as she is also way behind in the years (congrats on graduating h.s.) was able to come out of her shy shell the few times we've been around each other at her sister's weddings...Shannon and I will never forget our cake in the closet incident which is a notorious family story, and then there's my grandfather's 75th Birthday party which was here in Medford, where I was talked into volunteering myself to drive with him (he was just starting to have Alzhiemer's and didn't exactly follow the rules of the road...also in an ironic twist of fate, he and I went to the same Safeway that is across the street indirectly from where I live now....the building I live in was still a flat field at the time....) but I also remember staying the night in the hotel room with all the girls (being the protective eldest cousin I've always been and just all the joking around we did...)...it was so funny laughing our asses off with no adult supervision as if we were little kids again...

Needless to say...because of the deaths of my grandfathers, and fathers, my moving out of the Bay Area, and the dwindling members of the family, I don't get to see my family at all. Nor do I have much family left. I miss my friends back home. They are family to me as well. I miss my friends from high school who for a time were my family since my home life was such a wreck. I miss my co-workers and ex-wife for the good times we shared back in those days as well...

I'm about to engage in a new life with a new wife (as most, if not all of you, know...) and gain more family (though just like my own, it's spread out to the point that once a year is as lucky as we will be to see them unless we move....)...I have two new sisters who I've barely spent time with (but thankfully have MySpace to keep in contact with) who are also more than half my age, and yet I feel close to them like I've been family all along. I have two brother-in-laws who I have so much fun when I'm around them, but again, never have the time to spend with, as we are so far removed. And there's also two more little brother-in-laws (I believe they are 6 year old twins now) who don't even know that I've known them since they were just starting to walk...I am glad I have these people in my life (even if it's just online), because it reminds me this walk on earth is not one we take alone.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say in this blog, other than I hope you all take to heart how lucky you are if you have a tightknit family. Those who've had loses like myself, I hope you are able to reflect fondly on them, and forget the bad times as I've been able to do. Those who have a family of your own (i.e. children), I hope they grow up to have wonderful memories of the things you did with and for them like i do with my parents despite all the differences we had.

I may soon change my Top 24....and put my family members first. If you get bumped out of the Top, it's because I'm putting people in order of when I met them, not by how much I care or don't care about you...it should be family first.

This wedding thing really has my emotions all over the place. When I graduated college, I couldn't stop thinking about my dad not being there. Now I'm getting married and having a more traditional (albeit, non-traditional) wedding...and Erin's family side will be pretty stacked as she has all her parents and stepparents around (no grandparents unfortunately)...I'll have my mom and brother and sister....if I could have all my family there, past and present. I would. If I could have my friends there too I would...but know that as I say "I do" I'll think of those family members who couldn't be there, and I'll think of all of you who I wish could be celebrating with me.

As anyone who knows me knows, I share my joy of life with you through word and deeds, and this is one day I wish we could all have a group hug...

Thanks for reading (man I needed to vent apparently)...and have a great day...

Okay, death is a serious issue...and I'm not one to make fun of suicide or the murder of family, especially children....
Also, I was never one to get into the wrestling thing...
But last night, I was at the bar where I like to hang out....and there were people there who were drowning in their sorrows over the death of Chris Benoit a "professional" wrestler...
I'm not a big Nascar fan either, and I understand that Earnhardt was a hero to many, but at least he performed in a dangerous sport where the athletes actually have to work for their paycheck without steroids, without pre-scripted outcomes...
Of course I was doing karaoke (okay it's pathetic, but there isn't much else to do here...), and one guy had a hard time getting through his song cause he was so broken up about it...LAME....LAME....LAME....
I'm sure this will have offended somebody in my friend's list as there are millions of wrestling fans out there in this world, but come on man...let's get real here...if he had died like the guy who died falling from the cage (Brett Harte I believe), or of natural causes, a car accident, and he's your favorite wrestler, okay I'll have a little sympathy....but the guy killed his wife, his 7 year old child, and then hung himself...that's pussy shit....
waaaaaaaaa....
Okay I'm done ranting...I've given this guy more space on my page than he deserves....

So afraid of new pills
despite doctors assurances.
I am gripped with anxiety
like a parachutist
next in line for their first night jump.
The percentages are good
when you look at the numbers,
yet I concentrate on the what ifs,
the horror stories and mishaps
that have happened to the few.
I get lost in the numerous
horrendous side effects
listed in the packaging.
Surely nothing bad will occur,
yet I will be flummoxed
until this new addition
to my daily intake
is consumed and I've survived
the freefall into the unknown.
I will write a list of the vitamins
and medication I've taken,
just in case I need
to be rushed to the hospital,
but at the end of the day,
I will laugh at how
worked up I became,
how frivolous my fear,
and will post this half-assed excuse
for poetry as a testament
to my open-book policy
of showing what really goes on
behind my iron curtain
of silly joks, funny faces, and
barage of brevity.
For if you truly know what makes
this clock tick,
you'd realize this Rolex
is just a cheap knock off.

CMM 6/05/06

I am the mortar between
two bricks at the bottom
of a retaining wall.

I am the tractor trailer
that lost traction on black ice
only to be buried
in the embankment of snow.

Worse yet,
I am the commuter
directly following said truck
with a train of cars lined up
behind me just after it happened.

I am the stutterer,
gagging and jerking about
as I attempt the one word
that twists my tongue
into a pretzel.

I am the fishook with fresh bait,
launched with a sweeping cast
into the murky water,
slowly reeled in until it snags
some unkown branch that won't let go,
no matter how many times
you change angles,
pull,
let out the taut line,
and try to reel it in again.

I am the mouse who couldn't resist
the tempting dab of delicious peanut butter,
now gasping for air,
painfully pinned underneath
a strip of metal,
like a weightlifter without a spotter
who tried one too many reps.

I am the PC with the non-responding program.

I am the cork accidentally shoved inside the bottle of wine.

I am stuck.

In time,
I know I'll work myself loose,
find my way out.
Till then,
I have to ignore the clock
or each tick will
make me cuckoo.

CMM 6/1/07

How much time have I wasted,
eyes fixated,
wrist pasted
to a blank sheet of paper,
trying to solve the caper
of the missing metaphor
that opens the door
and explains my point,
affects brains like a joint,
taking you to a different level
where I sit back and revel
in the attraction
of your reaction
to what I have written?
I become easily smitten
and inspired to continue,
sink my thoughts deeper in you,
to help you see life as I see it,
and if you don't then so be it.
I will write more anyway
hoping that you will too some day.

CMM 5/13/07