1. fingerprints in cheese

2. pre-mustard fluid

3. blood in egg

4. community ice trays

5. hard surface film on jello/pudding

6. unsupervised grocery store samples

7. open-air bowls of candy or mints

8. breadcrumbs in butter

9. toast bits in jelly/jam

10. meat rainbows

tonight right now on 13 news it's a story about ellie may turning one hundred today and look she still plays the piano. well, rather than feel inspired, i am left thinking there's nothing creepier than a 100-year-old woman banging away on a piano.

there has to be a word for what's happening. all day on FOX news they seem like they're feigning interest in being loyal opposition while at the same time launching the first missile: yobama. whatchoo gonna do about th'economy? huh? huh? that's what you were elected on, so ah... what gives?" it makes me sick. 24 hours after winning, here are the far right's buzzwords i've detected: economy, far left, uneasiness, disenchantment. they're like that goya painting of saturn devouring one of his sons in my imagination. they're consuming the rotten parts of the campaign and scrambling to realign.

i'm just now going to bed. such a long day. but before i go ... i just got another email from barack obama that he sent before going into grand park. it was after he knew he'd won. the email closed with him saying, "i'll be in touch." does this mean obama's also the first president who will continue to send me frequent outlines illustrating the game plan he has for the country and what i can do to help? because if so, that's brilliant. direct messages from the president to keep us motivated and focused through this next phase of severe rebuilding. i hope that's what will become of the myobama website. we have a president who will really probably blog to us. not have some hired aide managing a remote web presence. will he continue to email and text me (and millions of other americans--maybe even international supporters) throughout his term? what an amazing idea.

just now on FOX the story was THE MOST VULNERABLE TIME FOR A COUNTRY IS DURING TRANSITION OF PRESIDENTS. then this other guy says this is our first president since 911. the world is watching and Al Bundy Qaida is watching. HEY FOX SHUT IT. better erect McCAIN. btw who else inverts letters in sarah p's last name from PALIN to PLAIN? I keep seeing PLAIN. anyway. i'm sure a repub is behind those stupid NO FEAR stickers/decals . omg also, hugo chavez keeps calling obama the BLACK MAN. watch for news coverage. it's funny. "i want to speak to the black man. the black man will be president. I look forward to meeting the black man!" how great! i want to meet the black man, too! i'm on a couch in the eldridge hotel. a corner king suite with balcony facing campus and the park on tenn. i turn 40 at 3:37AM. i'm tryin' to stay up so i'm watchin' FOX and planning what me and SLAP friends and hopefully SLAP babies will do dayside before my electionbirthday powwow here in the living rooomtomorrownighti'm soexciiiiitd to win the black man! tomorrow tomorrow! finally this will be over. ps-drew. you staying here tomorrow night? will you bring me a sonic ice bag?

it's halloween. it's also almost my birthday and election day which are the same day. i voted earlier. i was very excited to share my 40th-obama connection and was told that "electioneering under 250 feet from a polling station was a misdemeanor" by a sad girl in elf ears. she had a zig zag part. and the dude behind me wouldn't shut up about the lines. and a little old black woman needed a magnifying glass to see the ballot. that's right i said black. it's halloween and a lot of man-made materials were draping bodies packed into a strip mall office nearing 82 degrees. unexpectedly, there was no human stink while waiting 30 minutes to vote. i'm losing patience with things like long descriptions and narrative (if i have to do it). lately i've been satisfied using short sentences and appreciate the same in return unless the story is REALLY GOOD which is mostly not the case. below are recent thoughts that remain wrapped like boullion cubes waiting for elaboration and a chance to dissolve into the cloud: THOUGHT A: i used to be able to feel the world on my skin. i was really young. i felt breezes. smelled bark in the air. it's been so long since i noticed the smells of fall and got invigorated. anymore fall makes me chilly and disappointed. and it was always my favorite season. i wonder if other people's favorite season contains their birtghday like mine does. THOUGHT B: in the gives-me-chills category: when reptile eggshells are described as leathery. THOUGHT C: regarding a commercial for new digital cameras and DVD players for toddlers: toddlers with digital cameras what do they take pictures of? omg. what an awesome perspective. i want to watch a babycam. toddlercam. follow their interests. what they look at. AND FOR HOW LONG. THOUGHT D: file under ideas i need to manifest for real: charlie rose portrait series done on my cell phone. i have six so far. and my "antiques roadshow: bonerz!" series featuring furniture and dolls and boners. all must go on cards, mugs, stickers. all must sell on etsy. THOUGHT E: news stations could use footage of rural afghanistan, iraq, iran from either 30 years ago or today and i'd struggle to tell the difference. bombs. piles of bombs. rubble and bombs. pajama kourtas. beards. bombs and beards. THOUGHT F: mccain has a giant vertical face scar. they always show it. they would never photograph sarah palin with a scar like that much less treat it like an accessory. except for the fact tina fey has scars and doesn't hide them and she PLAYS SARAH PALIN. THOUGHT G: DOND playxplay/a poem that's right. awoohhhhh! ow! mmm that's my BABY! girl. howie. deal or no deal. no DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL HHOWWEEE. no D-EEEE-ll howie. 4 hundred. and FOURTYEIGHT THOUSAND DDDDOOOOLLLAAARRSSS!!! THOUGHT H: even in these last few days before the election, i'm still finding reasons to gobama. beginning with mccain's palin pick, subsequent (and "sad" as whatshisname at the nytimes said) forfeiture of his supposed "maverick" republican stance on a variety of issues in exchange for religious right support, and now in the last week cancelling rallies for rain while obama put on jeans and grabbed an umbrella. obama buying time on prime time to make a final appeal and going to states and networks where people would rather see him dead, to face down people who hate him for the better good. literally crossing the aisle by crossing networks and statelines. he's consistently shown the same philosophy regardless if it comes out in his speech or actions. THOUGHT I: perfect description for why i hate jokes: "jokes are the pornography of humor." -robert mannkoff, new yorker cartoon editor. THOUGHT J: recently laughed really hard upon learning about this awkward visiting dignitary gift exchange: when LBJ met pope VI in rome, pope gave him a 14th-c painting. LBJ gave the pope a 12-inch plastic bust of himself. THOUGHT K: I keep having this vision of palin in the oval office, feet up on the desk flashing her leboutin red, mumbling, "it worked. i can't believe it worked." THOUGHT L: the other night on the way to brian's opening, drew told me he didn't like the smell of my sandalwood-citrus spray. "what is that smell. seriously tammy. i'm going to offer my unsolicited opinion and tell you i don't like that fragrance. it's very needy smelling. very female. like a needy vagina." omg. THOUGHT M: from nightly biz report this week featured this gem from bush on the economy: "you know it took a while to thaw...it's gonna take a while to unthaw." THOUGHT N: henry paulson = the treasury's david byrne THOUGHT O: new yorker cartoon begging me to make/submit: gravestones with LED displays so you can update your epitaph like a headline on myspace profiles.

today i ...

1. shaved my face just to see what it would feel like

2. ate 4 krispy kreme glazed donuts on the way to work because the only box available for them was 18" x 12" x 3" and i felt stupid carrying it through the parking lot

i just met the cousin of charles bronson.
very sweet man.
very nice.
he blessed me several times.

he also told me the bronsons are billionaires.
and—AND—that on a recent trip to the holy land
he purchased the following:

1 robe worn by jesus himself
1 pair of sandals worn by jesus himself
1 crown of thorns worn by jesus himself

he paid $200K for the robe and $100K for the
pre-christian flip flops. no mention of crown cost.

i love my job.

that biden's going to storm off that stage.

without my glasses, sarah palen's bejeweled flag pin looks like a big thumbs down. look at it.

why do you sniff my eyelids? why do you meow at my jewelry drawer in the dark? what are you staring at? what's behind me? who bites elbows?

monday: tonight in an interview between BBC's katty kay and some american expert, behind the american was a backdrop consisting of the alphanumeric text "US08" and this blue and white landscape at night with the white house looking very parthenonny (acropolissy?) and glowing blue-white comme la snow maze final scene in the shining. a shining temple. a symbol of commerce and government. where the gods also walked. ideally ideals. isometric perspective looking up from the base feeling small. isometric perspective is used on candidates (but not on C-span as i learned while touring the C-span bus). at least someone recognizes the power of things viewed base-up. so some graphic designer sees the US as starkly cold and moneygoddy. how off-base. so, was it intentional when picking our country's name they picked something with the acronym US? also, are we america or the united states. i'm starting to think re-pubs would answer the first one and demos would say US. america is a concept while united states is the stuff under my feet. i can touch the united states. i can't touch america. tuesday: i'm reminded constantly that we're in one-syllable years. after spending 3/4 of my life calling the year by last two numbers: sixty seven, seventy three vs. one, five, i'm spoiled. no one says the year without an O- in front of it: "yeah, back in '09..." i guess we're too shy to say, "yeah he was born in four..." so we say oh-four. wednesday: i read something against my better judgement today. you'll hear about it in the news. it's very upsetting so don't google it. just know it involves a pig farm and undercover PETA. it ruined my night. i'm referencing it because i want to make a point. sometimes i see/hear things i never intended to seek out but then there it is in my ears or eyes and i'm both worse-off yet wiser because of it. i'd score that trade-off a 60%. boo. i definately was exposed too early to violence and adult material. not in person, but in the media. saw things i shouldnt have at a young age. you think those sick feelings go away with adulthood but they didn't for me. i can read the PETA-pigs article and be just as upset, actually cry about it, as i did hearing similar things at maybe four or five years of age. thursday: the guys on ask this old house are seriously unfunny.

i'm up can't sleep oddly excited.

i keep thinking about the end of summer vacation and my grandma thurmond saying on a last night in chevy chase, MD:

"hettie, you cannot go to the officer's club in that--marianne!" and out of nowhere grandaddy would appear behind me squeezing my elbow and in a very low rumble say to the back of my head, "now do as grandma says." AND I FUCKING DID IT.

my grandma was never mean when she was upset. it was always funny (my brother and i were always mildly in trouble when we upset her because we could not stop cracking up BECAUSE we upset her with our outfits. then for the rest of the day when addressing me from her camelhair jacket, a-line skirt and navy/white wingtipped heels--even sometimes gloves--kept her eyes at half mast and say gently that i upset gramndma earlier (yes 3rd person) and would i like to wear her gold stick pin to dinner.

it's so weird how a night like this, lying here in fresh sheets with the windows open and the smell of my conditioner reminds me of always arguing before dinner about my questionable outfits.

i made this to illustrate my mental image of BO after watching the RNC, getting sucked in, getting sucked back out, sleeping on it, waking with clarity. this is what happened.

the lady with the laptop got a thicker leg.
and the headless dude in khakis cracks me up.