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October 22, 2009 - Thursday
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Current mood:  busy
Category: Blogging
Here I am again. I missed my myspace friends, and no one ever came to visit me on my other blog, so I'm back.
It has been a busy and stressful fall. Work has been crazy. I've had some really violent kids this year, which has caused me so much anxiety, and actual fear at work. I'm also in a serious relapse with the anorexia, but I'm really trying to get back on track. It is hard though. Dave's brain tumor is growing, and he has been having seizures. We go in for an MRI on Tuesday, and we will also see his neurologist. I'm so scared, and that isn't helping my eating. I feel the need to control something when everything else in my life feels so off kilter. I'm so terrified of losing him! I've been having extra therapy, and trying to reach out for support. I'm actually asking for help, which in the past has been difficult. I feel like I'm trying harder than ever in many ways, and I want to eat. It is like I physically can't make myself though. I make up so many excuses for why I can't eat. Mostly I have zero appetite. My nutritionist says that if I can make myself eat, then my appetite will come back. I think that I'm scared of that. I've lost weight, and that was what I wanted. I don't need to lose anymore though, and I know this. Today my goal is to eat three small snacks. My therapist has been giving me daily goals, and actually calls me everyday with one new one. It helps me to set goals, even if they are only baby steps.
Anyway... I hope everyone is well. I'm trying to catch up on all of the blog posts I have missed.
Sending much love and hugs out to all of you!
 | Currently listening:
Listen
By Beyoncé
Release date: 2007-02-13 |
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August 29, 2009 - Saturday
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Category: Life
I'm just here to say goodbye to this blog. I will still keep an active blog here http://hereandnow4angel.blogspot.com/ if you want to come visit me. I'm grateful to everyone who has left me such kind and insightful comments. They have helped more than you will ever know!
Much love and hugs,
Angie
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August 19, 2009 - Wednesday
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Current mood:  good
Category: Life
I'm doing a quick blog post at work during my lunch break, since I've been so exhausted after work. I think it's going to take me awhile to get back in the swing of things after a whole summer without a schedule. That's okay though. I'm really loving my job this year. I'm trying not to stress about our money situation at the moment, and my therapist said that she could still see me even though we can't afford the co-pay. My nutritionist said that she would touch base with me over the phone, and I will be fine with that. I'm still restricting, but the purging is getting better. I'm frustrated that the restricting isn't really doing much to affect my weight, but that doesn't seem to be stopping me from doing it. That is how I know that it isn't about the weight. I'm not quite sure what it is about. I know that it makes me feel calmer and more in control of my life. I'm really going to try to get back on track. Eating lunch at work is very hard for me. I don't feel comfortable eating in the teachers lounge. Eating with strangers is hard for me, so my therapist wants me to work on doing that. I'm not ready yet though. Maybe once I feel more comfortable in the school, and get to know more people , it will be easier.
All in all, my life feels really good right now:)
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August 17, 2009 - Monday
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Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
I'm so tired, but I wanted to share how my first day of school with my classroom of boys was, and I'm happy to report that it was wonderful. They have already touched my heart. I get so emotional for some reason when I work with these kids, and I can already tell that I'm going to be able to connect with this group of boys. The staff is also great, and I feel like we are going to be a really positive team. Three of the boys are non-verbal, but the other one is highly verbal. He already asked if anyone else in the classroom talked! Poor guy. He is fairly social, and has mainly been placed in this classroom because of his aggressive behavior, which we haven't observed so far. There always seems to be a honeymoon period at the beginning of the school year though.
This weekend went so quickly, and I'm already getting ready for the beginning of the week. 5:00 a.m. comes early! Last week I got up every day to walk with my neighbor, and I feel like that is an important thing for me to do for my body. I'm trying, but this first week of school was stressful, and I found myself restricting my food intake quite a bit. What's new? That is mostly the norm for me anymore, and I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I am doing better with the purging though. I noticed that I have been having horrible acid reflux because of the purging, and it has been very uncomfortable, so the natural consequences of that has been to purge less often.
Money is really tight right now, so I'm not going to be able to see my therapist or nutritionist for the rest of this month. That will be strange, but maybe I'm ready to cut back on sessions? I don't have a choice, so we will see. I cried when my husband told me that we couldn't afford the sessions, and I'm not sure why. Money issues scare me, and I hate talking about it. I like to bury my head in the sand, and I'm horrible when it comes to finances. I let Dave handle all of that, which I know is only going to bite me in the ass somewhere down the road. My next goal is to have him tutor me on all that I need to know. Well, for being so tired, I sure did write a lot! For now, I'm going to call it a night. Wishing everyone a fabulous week!
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August 13, 2009 - Thursday
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Current mood:  excited
Category: Writing and Poetry
 I can't sleep. I get just as excited and nervous as the kids do about the first day of school. I have my placement for the new school year, and I'm really happy about where I will be. It is a jr.high autism classroom with four boys, and I will be there all day. Usually my time is split between two different schools, so this will be nice. I've been working with the staff this week, and I already think that they are wonderful. Tomorrow I will meet the boys, which I'm looking forward to, and it is only a half day, which should ease everyone in, although the first few weeks are definitely a challenge. I suppose that is where the nerves come in! I just have a positive feeling about this year, and that feels good. Last year I was at so many different schools, that I never felt comfortable or at home anywhere. It was a tough year all around, and one I don't ever want to repeat.
I wrote this poem in honor of the first day of school. Wishing all of those students and teachers out there a great year!
First Day Jitters
The smell of blacktop
freshly poured.
Your teachers name
above the door.
Heart pounding
Stiffly standing
Hold on tight
to your momma's hand
Hair pulled up
with rubberbands
Itchy knee socks
Shoes that squeak
Tears that threaten
Quivering chin
Here you go
Life's tests begin
Angela Minard 2009©
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August 10, 2009 - Monday
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Category: Life
Today is my last day of summer vacation, and then tomorrow I go back to work. I greatly enjoyed the break, but I suppose it is time to step back into the real world of jobs and schedules. I am an Autism Instructional Assistant, so I work in my local school district with children with autism, pre-school through grade 12. Tomorrow I will find out where my assignments are to start out the school year. I generally move around to different classrooms and grade levels, depending on where the need is. I'm looking forward to meeting the kids that I will be working with, but the first few days back are meetings, so I won't actually be with kids until Friday. It is going to be difficult to get back into my early morning routine. I walk with my neighbor from 5:00-6:00 a.m., and then out of the house by 7:00. I have been walking with my neighbor still this summer, but not until later in the morning, and then I leisurely have coffee and putz around. No more of that!
I feel like I have done so much healing this summer, and although I'm still struggling with the eating disorder and poor body image, I feel that I'm making progress. I have come a long way in terms of dealing with the rape. I'm not triggered as easily, I tend to handle it better when I am triggered, and I'm not having as many flashbacks or nightmares. It feels good to list those things here, because it does help me to see that I am in fact, HEALING. It is strange, because I remember more details than ever before about the rape, but those memories don't come with so much terror and panic anymore. My therapist said that the memories would come when I was ready for them, and that is extremely empowering. I'm no longer being held hostage by my past. I used to think that keeping it all bottled up inside gave me the control, but I realize that the silence is what kept me a prisoner. I'm beginning to see the blue sky beyond those steel bars.
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August 5, 2009 - Wednesday
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 I'm feeling better today, and not so hopeless and down on myself. I'm not doing well with my eating, but I know that it is a choice that I'm making. I still feel this ambivalance when it comes to recovery, and I know that this is partly what pushes people away from me. Those who love me only have so much patience and so many resources to give, and it must be frustrating for them to continually watch me struggle with this eating disorder. I start back to work next week, and maybe that will help me to not be so focused with this obsession over my weight. I know that I have so many people that care about me, and I don't want to let them down. Everything and everyone feels so far away, and yet I know that all I have to do is just reach out...
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August 4, 2009 - Tuesday
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Current mood:  sad
Category: Life
People feel that I'm pushing them away, and though I don't mean to, I know that it's true. Distance makes me feel protected in a way that is hard to explain. One of my dear friends has been hurt by this, and I'm sick over it. She wants to get together and talk, and of course I want to repair whatever it is that I've done to make her feel this way. I don't mean to alienate people that I love, it just happens because I don't want them to see my pain. Maybe sharing it makes it feel all the more real somehow. I worry that I'm wearing everyone thin, and that they will tire of wanting to help me. I don't want to seem needy and selfish, and of course that is all that I seem to be. Everything hurts today.
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August 3, 2009 - Monday
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Category: Life
 I'm feeling in much better spirits today, and have decided that I'm just going to take it moment by moment, and not be so hard on myself. I still don't feel any different about losing weight, and I'm still determined to do that, but I really am going to try to do it in a way that doesn't negatively impact my health. That specifically means that I'm going to make a huge effort to stop the purging. I know that restricting isn't necessarily healthy, but at this moment, it feels like the safest thing for me to do. I'm still eating, but only a minimal amount, which is just enough to not make me want to feel like purging. The feeling of any amount of fullness only upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself, and that, I don't need. This is the choice that I'm making for now, but it doesn't mean that will be the choice for tomorrow, and I'm leaving myself open for that. I am in no means trying to slowly kill myself, because I do really believe that I can control the weight loss at a certain point. I think that most of the problem is that I've damaged my metabolism to the point where I only need the minimum amount of calories to function. When I try to eat what is the normal amount of calories for someone my age and size, I maintain a weight that feels uncomfortable and unattractive for me to be happy with. My nutritionist may not agree with this, but that is the conclusion that I have come to, whether it is accurate or not. Anyway, that is the choice that fits at this moment, so that is the one that I'm going with for today.
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August 1, 2009 - Saturday
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Category: Life
 I've had all of my therapy sessions, and I'm mentally exhausted. I woke up early this morning and went for an hour long walk, and the whole time, my mind was just spinning. I came home and slept for five hours! I feel so lost, but everyone keeps reassuring me that I don't have to have it all figured out. That is good to know, because I definitely don't have anything even close to figured out. I feel like no one understands, and that is so frustrating. No one seems to get that I can't eat because I'm not happy with my weight. It always has to be something deeper than that, and that I'm using the obsession with weight to avoiding feeling. I do honestly believe that I will feel happier when I'm thinner. My therapist wants to know what evidence I have of that, and I don't have a shred of evidence to back up that theory, I just KNOW. Is everyone who goes on a diet simply trying to avoid their feelings? I don't think so..., but maybe I'm just being stubborn. My thinking seems so distorted and irrational to everyone but me, and seeing my therapist and nutritionist seems pointless right now. I mentioned that to my therapist, and she said that the eating disorder is hanging on for dear life, and that this was when I really need my treatment team the most. I'm tired of needing help though. I just want to be done.
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