Ophelia starts school in 11 days...

She will be in Ms. Schindlers class. Why does that sound intimidating? It is to me, that is all I know. Last night I started having dreams about the first day of school.

My Uncle Greg was in charge of taking me and Ophelia to her school. For some reason he was working on a very stressful job and would have to drop us off super early.

When we got there, no one was wearing uniforms, which is odd since her school is a uniform school. All the kids seemed to be excited though. Ophelia took off once we got in her classroom and went to meet all the kids her age. This is her first time being with this many kids her age in one place.  She looked very happy to be there in my dream. I introduced myself to her teacher. She actually looked super nice in my dream. I explained to her about Ophelia's reading lvl and she said that she would test her. She went to the bookshelf and got out a really difficult book. Over the course of the day, she must have tested Opehlia, Ms. Schindler came to me later and explained that she was very impressed with Ophelia's reading. I told her that her counting and science lvls were also very advanced.

It was getting to be time to be picked up from school. My mom and dad and Greg and Jeanne showed up. I took them all to introduce to Ms. Schindler. Ophelia was still off with some of her classmates, quite oblivious to us. It turned out that we had to stay at the school til 9pm. They were doing all the testing and assessments that day. I was super stressed because Uncle Greg was our ride. He asked me how early I could get up to leave in the morning. I was so filled with dread about getting up early because I was going to bed so late. I worried about Ophelia being over tired and not having enough time for breakfast before school.

In the end I just felt so panicked about her schedule. I didn't know if they were going to put her in a comination class or keep her in the afternoon class. All of this was weighing on me in my dreams...

I guess it weighs on my mind constantly. Its so insane to me just how not knowing details can cause stress. I was thinking in the shower this morning that I will try to volunteer to help with the school productions. That is an area that I feel very confident in. I can help the kids learn lines and identify with what they are saying. That way I can still be present at her school without being right in her face.

There is a PTA Tea Party on Monday and Ophelia has asked me not to come. Even though we were both invited. I feel quite torn as to what to do. Not sure if she understands that it is for the parents as much as the kids. She is just really excited about starting school. 

Maybe if I just get all my concerns out here they will be less daunting...

What if she pees her pants cause she doesn't want to go to the bathroom when she has to?

What if she misses me and cannot contact me?

What if kids are super mean to her?

What if she feels inadequate and alone?

There is more, ack! You know what? I need to do my best at trusting that we have given her the tools she needs to succeed in that environment. Deep breaths... Its a place of learning and fun. I am excited. I am also scared. We will make it through. She is a bright light in my life, I know she is going to excel in school. I am gonna stop now before I convince myself of the opposite.

Zzzzz....

Where to begin... I had my first major emotional breakdown this year on Sunday afternoon.  I am so jealous of people who can cope with life where I feel like I am on the edge of insanity all the time.  I keep waiting for Britt to come home and tell me that I should check in to an insane assylum.  Sunday afternoon, I cried and cried and cried. I even imagined how I could end my life.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I asked Britt to take the kids so I could just feel like crap without them feeling all of it.  Then I called Nate (my bro) and unloaded all my stress.  Since I only lose it like this once a year, I don't feel too guilty.

It amazes me how small things all build up to a huge breakdown.  I think that my brain can only take so much and then it will eventually implode on  me. Instant death.  In that case, I don't need to kill myself cause my brain will give up on its own one day.  Some basic decisions that I have come to--I am hiring a freaking maid, taking my laundry to a place to have them do it, walking once a day and raising my girls.  The two of them are both so bright, I can hardly keep up.  I just need to take one step at a time.  My mom had a thousand solutions for me. Get a job, move in with me, just do a little each day and on and on...  I am sorry, but I cannot take that.  Hugs are good and kisses too. Even a vote of confidence would be nice, but all that crap about what I need to be doing, grrrrr, no help!

Sorry for the rant, I am just hardly hanging on lately.  I am losing myself I think.  I guess I just need to keep on keeping on.

June 24th Ophelia asked me... If the world is a circle, how can there be anything straight?  We were surprised and thrilled by this line of thinking.  Britt expalined the fact nothing really is straight.  This was not quite enough of an explanation for her. So I called our friend Judy to see what she could share.  The best example that she came up with was to imagine an ant crawling on a basketball. From our perspective the ball is round but the ant is so small it cannot see that the ball is curved.  So if we were giants on this earth we could see more clearly that things are not actually straight.  Ophelia is a giant...

June 26th, Ella Pearl started to crawl.  She has been rolling around and rocking for weeks, but she finally took her first crawling steps.  I am so proud of her!  Its incredible how powerful the human body really is.  She is also singing all the time Ba ba ba ba....

Roar!

I think I am actually alive again. Its been a long road of raising a 2 year old and having baby number 2, but I am getting my energy back.  I started cleaning my house about a week ago for the first time since Christmas.  Seriously, I was so exhausted and in babyland, I never even thought to pick up a dish and clean it.  Reality check, I still don't think about picking up dishes, Britt can do that.  I have been doing laundry though and vaccuming. It feels good to have a clean living space.  I get tired just thinking about having no where to walk in my house.

I am back on the WoW pill again.  Trying desperately to regulate it.  I just need to stop that subscription. It just keeps dragging me back in. >< 

We just took a four day hiatus from the world. No cell phones, no computers, no radio even, it was wonderful! We went camping and Britt spent 4 solid days with his "girls." Ophelia missed him so much today that she went all hyper and spastic when he got home from work today.  Poor kid. It is just so hard to be 4 years old these days. I could write a whole separate blog about it. I think I will tomorrow.

Ella is so cute.  She isn't really talking yet, but she smiles at everyone.  She really stares at you and engages you.  She wants you to notice her and she rewards you with a glorious smile that means, look at me and I will love you forever!  She can lift herself up now, but immediately drops back down with a groan.  She is so strong.  She has these thick thighs and its all breastmilk.  There is no substitution for the old fashioned boob action.  I tell you, she is a tank and its all mothers milk.  I think she is almost 19 lbs and only 5 months old, hehe...  She is also the most kissable baby you will ever meet.  I have to say it, its true.  No offense to Miss Ophelia because she will incite the most incredible conversations and mischief if you allow her to, but she won't kiss you save once in a blue moon. But Ella, she just nuzzles and cuddles and kisses and is all Love.

Alright, I am just babbling and I need to sleep.  Got to kiddles with their dad upstairs alone. Poor guy. Muah!

Ophelia broke out making jokes today.  She said, mom, would you like to hear a tree joke? Sure Ophelia, lets hear it....I am going to just list out some of these jokes cause it made me laugh so much to hear my newly 4 year old filled with jokes.

Tree Joke:

If a squirrel climbs a tree he will collect acorns.  If an owl climbs the same tree, he will eat all the squirrels acorns!

Ice Cream Joke:

My baby doll ate all my ice cream, so I ate all of hers!

Car Joke:

My baby was driving a car the other day.  Then she hit another car and died! She was crushed by the airbag!

Ice Cream Drink Joke:

Me and my baby were stuck swimming inside a whirl pool and we drowned...

Roof Joke:

Me and my baby were on the roof, we fell off and broke our heads, now I have a headache!

Street Joke:

My baby forgot to hold my hand when crossing the street and she got rolled over by a car wheel. Now she is dead, that'll teach her not to hold her mommies hand.

Anyway, first time she told me her own jokes, such a cutie, a little dark, but amusing still...

It seems that we managed to finally succeed at making a baby... Its sad, how difficult getting pregnant really is. Anyway, my due date is somewhere in November, towards the end. My uber intense dreams have begun again.  I might start blogging my dreams just to have record of them.  I am also super morning sickness girl.  Not throwing up this time yet, so far anyway.  But I am not eating much and so my energy level is blah. I am so severly emotional, I watched that movie, "Crash" and sobbed and sobbed.  My family laughed at me telling me it was just a movie.  I know this is on a different subject, but does anyone else feel this overwhelming feeling of "What am I doing with my life?"  I don't think I feel that way at this very moment, but I feel it often anyway.  This blogging feels pointless and weird at times.  Its like I am talking to everyone and no one at the same time and really no one cares of gives a shit what I write.  It still gives me no initiative to tell you anything too personal.  I am at my moms right now. I came here on Wednesday because I needed help with Ophelia.  Trust me, its challenging enough being the mother of a three year old and then add constant nausea and there is little one can do.  I don't feel like I am a very successful mother anyway.  I end up getting more rest at home than here, sadly. I was so hoping for a real break.  There is too much tension in this house.  And way too much noise.  Its more than I can take.  But being home is bad too.  This too shall pass...at least video games are not holding my attention anymore.  I cannot even sit at the computer more than 30 mins.  Anyway, talk toyou all later :)

Time out is one of most bizarre forms of punishment I can think of.  It does not always work either...

The older they get, the smarter they get, all I am is riddled with guilt over any kind of punishement. Argghhh...

Ophelia was sitting on the potty this morning and announced that I was like Aphrodite.  She told my husband, "Mommy is like Aphrodite daddy.  She is a princess."

Leave it up to the spontaneous to completely melt my heart.

Why is it that every blog I type deals with food?  Anyway, I finally sat down to eat a few bites today and my dear daughter decided she was hungry AGAIN!  She just ate and demolished a whole plate of refried spaghetti.

After she begged me over and over, "Mama, can I pwease have a bite of cheese, pppwwease!"  I broke down and gave her a small bite.  She proceeded to chew it a few times and spit it out.  Then she said, "pwease can I have a pickle?"  It was my last bite of pickle.  I gave it to her and she chewed it a few times and then just as before spit it out.  She then took the afore bite and ate it.  After all of that, she leans in so sweetly and grins, "Tanks a pickle Mama."