Modern Male Etiquette

Modern Male Etiquette...

01. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

02. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

03. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

04. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

05. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

06. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call, "Bullshit!" Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

07. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

08. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

09. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up going too far with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dickheads. Low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you must never ask who's playing.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick-drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing, such as both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him. Too gay.

30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

Men's rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys (or the guys in romance novels).

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. When ever possible, please say what ever you have to say, during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,nothing is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many pairs of shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.