..
Comment | Copy This

Son of a bitch! 

Can you believe it? 

I mean, really, can YOU believe IT? 

Thanks to the many MySpace pages and various websites with those brightly animated, in-your-face 'countdown' thingamajigadies (that break it all the way down to the very second it will happen) we are all aware that Christmas Day will be here and will be here soon. I sure as hell cannot believe any of it.  I don’t think I want to believe it.  When I think of how hectic things get with scrambling to get gifts, dealing with the damned family, making sure the dog has food, dealing with the damned family, and going to the grocer to stock up the pantry for all the company; I just want to scream into a pillow!  I tell ya, one year I am so excited for Christmas that I will wear red and green sweaters and listen to Christmas music every day after Thanksgiving, and then the next year (like this one) I am so very depressed, down and out, not in the mood and leave the damn phone off the hook most of the time.  Are any of you having issues with 'things?'  Things ranging from family to having packages shipped on time to family?  Lord have mercy.  As I write this, I just want the holiday to
get here and pass so we can move on like those nice people over there at
that moveon.org place.

For those of you who are having a glorious Christmas season, God love
ya!  I give you joyous blessings.  May the spirits of the Christmas
angels wash all over you and yadda yadda yadda.  Hey, I know!  Maybe
you can help me and send some holiday cheer my way...ya know, kinda me
get me into the spirit of Christmas?  There isn't much time left! 

Oh before I forget, here is an update with the gassy one:


Sunday, December 7, 2008:  It is said and
now well known among fellow parishioners that during the vast majority of Mass, Lenora Zelinsky spent more than enough time 'downstairs.'  Ya know, that means she was in on the pot.  Egh.  After services were over, no one wanted to use the ladies room.  Can you blame them?  I mean can you?  I know I held it in!

www.SYLVIADOUCHE.com

Well, it is official. 

While I have had this domain for a few years…I took it down for
maintenance and had it completely revamped and redesigned. 
There is not one thing on my new site that even so much as looks like the old one!  I love my new site and am having so much fun with it.  It is ab fab and you are going to just love it!  You are going to want to sit down and wriggle in it!  Over there I can post media (video, music, slideshows, etc.) and I can even BLOG on my own home page!  YES!  So you go and read my blogs after this one, ok?  They are short and just whatever is on my mind at the moment.  You can click on the comments area and you can leave a...you guessed it:  a comment!  It is phenomenal!  I am in love with it and it is in love with me.  I want to marry the damned page, I swear.

Douché Video Grams!

..
Comment | Copy This

YOU HAVE TO HEAR THE MESSAGE ABOVE...I WAS A LITTLE TIPSY, BUT PRESS PLAY.

Douché Video Grams!

Yes, they are back and they are better than ever!  Look out people and move over Hallmark!  This year we are offering not only the hottest gift to give, but now we are offering the best feature ever!  That is having your Video Gram burned onto a DVD and shipped to you or whomever you would like!  Now, sit down for this next bit of news because it is going to floor you:  STANDARD SHIPPING & HANDLING IS…FREE!  Oh, my favorite four letter word - FREE.  Girl, I told you to grab a chair…didn’t I?  You can take this to the bank, sister.  We are rolling here my brothers.  Get this:  We will pick up the price of the standard S&H as our way of saying Merry Christmas from Team Douché.  Now, if you are not familiar with what a Douché Video Gram is then turn off the music/TV and pay attention:  They are 100% personalized videos that I record (with help from a little film crew) for you or for whomever you wish.  You buy, I make, I send, you get.  These can be placed on your MySpace, Facebook, any blog site, or any other web site you want!  Use them as a way to
welcome people to your page, a way to say Happy Holidays to everyone who visits, or a way to send someone a gift like no other!  Make
a co-worker laugh!  Play the ultimate prank on the one who always gets you!  Now, you really need to view some of the ones from last year because they are hilarious!  You can see most of the ones from last year by going to my YouTube Channel, www.youtube.com/sylviadouche.  Douché Video Grams are reasonably priced starting at only $30.00 and there are packages/discounts/specials for if you would like more than one.  With these Video Grams, you receive the actual video file, the code that is used to place the video onto any site, and if you choose to – you can have a DVD mailed to you or whomever.  If you have ANY questions, just message or email me.

Well, I have to run. Always doing something.  I'm on drink #5 - no big surprise there, I know.  We are doing some shooting of...you guessed it:  Douché Video Grams!  And if everything goes as planned, I will knock out another five from the list of orders and then I am out of here!  Pray for me!


I will be back with another blog, soon. 
Don't forget to check out my new website @ www.SYLVIADOUCHE.com

I was just finishing up my lovely little breakfast of fresh fruit and some toast with my coffee, what do I hear?  Oh no, not sleigh bells on the roof…instead I hear one of the loudest knocks at the front door and what do I see?  No, not a girl scout selling cookies.  No, not the Mormons trying to show me the way of God, and no, not even the Oreck man eager to give me a demonstration for free.  Instead, it was my dear friend, Lenora.  Now just to fill you in, she is a very large woman whom I know from church and she is the one with the IBS who is gassy all year round.  She would do anything for you, don't mistake me, she is as sweet as sugar.  I just was surprised that she was at my door because it was so early in the morning and I was still in my robe with no makeup on or anything and here was Lenora standing at the front door all covered in her plaid jaket and red slacks.  Am I the only one out of my group of lady friends who knows how to dress with some class?  Anyway, I had to invite her in.  She entered the house and no sooner she slipped off her loafers, she went to sit on my sofa.  I offered her some coffee or tea and she said she would have both.  So I put on the coffee and a pot of tea and we talked for a few moments…well, we gossiped.  The coffee was done as well as the tea and I brought the two cups to her on a serving platter and she started to get crabby because I was out of little packets of Splenda.  Well, sorry!  I had some Sweet 'n Low but no, that was not good enough for her.  She told me I should have coffee and tea sweeteners of every kind for when company comes to my house.  I bit my tongue as she drank her coffee and tea in less than 5 minutes.  I think she ate a banana, too.  Not sure if she somehow took it from my fruit bowl or just had it in her pocket, but she ate one. As I was talking to her, I could hear her stomach gurgling and growling up a storm and making all types of different sounds that I never knew the human body could make.  Sure enough, she excused herself to go and use my bathroom.  I immediately went into panic mode because my cleaning lady, Pam, had just scrubbed that powder room from floor to ceiling for Thanksgiving so it would be clean for all of my company.  And the thought that Lenora was going to go in there and do one of her ditties...oh, Lord!  Oh if only you could have seen her on her way to the powder room in her red slacks, yellow socks, and plaid blazer…Lenora just barreled into that powder room like Kirstie Allie running towards the front of a buffet line.  Lord have mercy.  I knew I never should have offered her HOT coffee and HOT tea as we all know that HOT beverages speed up the bowels.  She just jumped right up off my good sofa and darted for that bathroom.  She literally ran to the pot. 

Oh, dear Lord.  I have never heard such horrible sounds to come out of a bathroom and I am thinking the whole time:  This is my powder room!!!   The sounds were just horrible and to be truthful, they sounded downright painful.   I heard splashing water and heavy breathing and a lot of "struggling."  Oh, how I was wishing it would end. I yelled in to her and said, "Do you need anything, Lenora?  Are you alright?" and she replied in a distressed voice that started out strong and gruff as she told me, "No…I am peachy keen.  Thanks, but no thanks!"  Yes, "peachy keen."  Towards the end of the sentence it was almost a whimper or whisper for her to finish talking.  She sounded out of breath and as if she was passing out. But, I let her go. 

Well, I kept waiting for a flush and she still kept going for another good 15 minutes. She tried covering it up with her fake coughing but I know damned well what I heard and it was not coughing...no no, it was a cover-up cough trying to mask what was coming from her big ass. And the nerve, not even to turn on the exhaust fan or use the spray I have in easy reach of the toilet!  And you guessed it: it happened. She stuffed up the toilet, I kid you not.  Stuffed...stuffed...stuffed.  She somehow got up off the pot and there was toilet paper stuck between her yellow socks and red pants and she had her glasses sitting on the sink.  She called my name, "Sylvia!"  I ran to the door and asked her if she was decent and she told me to please come in the room.  Well, the first thing to hit me was the odor.  I immediately turned on the exhaust fan and looked over at Lenora.  She somehow found a plunger (I must have had one behind the toilet or under the sink) and she was just going to town on my toilet.  "Yep.  It's stuffed alright," she said.  *Plunge, Plunge*  "Sylvia, you are going to need to get yourself a good plumber and while he is here you need to have him adjust the water pressure on this here commode.  It does not flush with enough strength to throw anything down the shoot.  All I did was tinkle."  I was speechless.  All she did was tinkle?  Oh, come now.  She left the lid up and the plunger on the floor and the toilet kept running but I was afraid to flush the damned thing because it was already filled to the brim!   I glanced over at the toilet paper holder and guess what?  It was empty.  Now, I buy the thick stuff with the ridged lines on it and I don't know how she used it all up in one visit to the pot.  There was a full roll on there.

Lenora came out of the crime scene and sat back down on my good sofa as if nothing happened.  She said, "Sylvia, how old is that toilet?  Maybe it is time for you to spring and treat yourself to a new one?"  Well, the nerve.  And it just so happens that her reason for stopping by was that she was on her way to the Piggly Wiggly and she just needed to make a "pit stop"…at my house and on my toilet.  I love her and she is a sweetheart, but I would never do such a thing at someone's home.  You can always do a courtesy flush…or at least turn on the damned exhaust fan!  I have a phobia of using any toilet other than my own and I have a feeling that Lenora doesn't care where she plops her ass as long as she can do her business.   

And you betcha, I called the plumber, Petey Plumbers, and they had to take a snake to the toilet and clean it all out.   I can still hear the sound of the generator and the guys laughing in there.  They asked if I had kids and what they tried to flush down the toilet and I told the man the truth.  I am not sure if he believed me, but the smell had to give it away.  I still have the door closed and the exhaust fan has been running all day and I will let it run all night.  Wouldn't you?