I don't know how to start this off. 2 weeks ago, myself, and many others went through a very difficult time. I know for me it was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. June 19th, one of my closest friends took his own life. Justin was only 27 years old, and had his whole life ahead of him.

I met Justin at Starbucks back in '99. He moved out here with "phyco-bitch" (as Justin would refer her too) from California. Thier realtionship ended quickly and she moved back to Cali.  I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time and looking for my own place. So Justin one day says "Hey. Ya wanna get a place together?" I said "Why not?" Justin was already kind of a torn individual, but still very funny, dry, and a crazy fool,  and opened up to me quickly. So we moved in together and had a blast. We were young and in our early 20's and created great memories: House parties, going camping, clubs, bars, raves. He'd always wake me up at random hours of the night either to pull a prank and scare the scrap out of me, or just to talk about life and the things that were bothering him. We became very good freiends.

As as we all got older, Justin kind of got more, torn, should I say? Confused about his place in his life and where he was going. He would always rant about the "mid 20's crisis" and we all would joke about how we see our friends getting married, buying houses, going bankrupt already, and setting into their careers. And we'd say:  "Fuck that! Let's go drink"! Justin finished up school with Mercedes and moved to Cali. In Cali Justin got alittle "reckless" with the fellow techs and would call at random times and say how much he missed us all and he'd be back soon. Justin came back and settled into a condo up in Scottsdale. He loved Scottsdale and it was home to him. When Justin got back, we had some chemistry going. He would tell me so many times how he would wish it to be like how it was when he and I used to live together. Many a times Justin confesed his feelings for me. I was scared and always gave him the run around. I wish I hadn't. I guess I always thought of Justin and I possibly marrying later on, because we could always put up with each other's crap. :) I remember one night at a party he and my friend Tida went into the bathroom for like an hour. I thought they were being silly, but they were talking about me. Looking back I feel really bad that I would never really consider Justin and his feelings. I did, but I didn't.

So Justin was not happy with Merecedes and ended up moving back to Bakerfield, then finally back to Salt Lake. Justin was having a hard time making friends up in Utah. He did make a couple, but would call me up and say how unhappy he was. Back in October, he calls me up one night. He told me he was inlove with him this whole time and that he would take care of me. He was talking of taking me up to his parents cabin for a weekend. I broke his heart. I feel horrible about it now, because if I wasn't so scared of being vulnerable myself with him, would he have something to look forward to today? I told him I loved him very very much, I just didn't see him in that light. I told him if anything were to happen to him, I would be there in a heart beat. He was a best friend to me and I told him he was in my heart and I always were worry about his well being while he being up in Utah. Justin even wanted to come here and spend Thanksgiving with Piper and I. We were not able to make it happen.

So Justin would call and and we probably would talk about twice a month. Just to catch up and every time he would still say how much he missed Arizona and hated Utah. Last time I saw Justin he came down here about 3 months ago. We had lunch and then he and I went to a movie while he was down. I noticed he had gotten more negitive about things. More angry.

So Justin called me June 18th, my birthday and we talked about random things. He seemed okay. He told me he may be moving to Flaggstaff and I told him how excited I was that he would only be 3 hours away. He told me he would call me on Saturday and I told him to be safe. I didn't get the news that he died until Wednesday, when his mother called. She knew I was one of the last persons he had spoken with. She found him in the closet. So myself, Piper, Chris, Sunny and Tom all went to the funeral up in Salt Lake last week. His family is amazing. His parents asked if I could take Jasper, his Bengal cat. Justin always liked my cats and we had one when we lived together.

So thats everything in a nut shell. I could go on and on. I still do not know how to deal. I'm mad at him. I have so many pictures of Justin, and I can't really look at him. I think if I do I would have to realize that he is truely gone, and if I ever want to see him, it would be when this one is over for me. If he was feeling so empty and hurt why didnt he tell me how he was truely feeling. I always knew Justin was not happy with his life. He always felt he needed to be somewhere else, and be more successful. But he was. He had no idea. I also wonder if he was showing me the signs, and I ignored them. Was he crying out for help, and I just didn't get it? If I told him I loved him, would he be here today? I could beat myself up with whys and what if's.

What I have realized is that we never tell the people we care about enough how much they mean to you. Are you truely fulifilled in your life? Can you leave this earth tomorrow and know that you have let everyone in your life know how much they mean to you. Can someone you love leave this earth and you know that you can rest assure because they know what impact they have made on your life? If you think you live a life that is unfulfilled, you are very wrong. We all have a purpose, and you have made an impact on someone. If you have dreams, catch them and make them real. Don't ever think you are not good enough. Because you are. We tend to forget that God took special care and thought when making us.  

Thank you for reading this and letting me get this off my chest.

WILLIAM

'A day without immigrants? For you, ese, it's more like... a life without pussy

So I dont know how to start stuff like this off....I'm alittle emotional at this present moment in time. I have been acting like a "Dumb Girl". I have "Dumb Girl" syndrome. The doctor took one fucking look at me and said:

 "You are suffering from Dumb Girl Syndrom. The symptoms are obvious. Here, let me write you a prescription, it's called Getaclue. Thats right. No, no Miss Jones , it does not come in a generic form. Getaclue is a patented product."

"So what are the side effects" I ask.

"Well 1 out of every 3 females expierence an increase of endorfins, decreased appetite, and a high sence of pride and self worth, and a high increase in confidence." The doctor says

"Well 1 out of three huh?" I say. "Well what about the other two?"

"Some women just can use Getaclue. They carry Dumb Girl disorder around with them for years and years."

So I leave the dotor's office and head over to Walgreens to fill my perscription. And what is it about Walgreens that makes you just wanna steal shit! Not that I would, now that I use "Getaclue"! Okay Okay, I could keep going with this one. Anyways the point is. I try at times not to overanalyse a situation, or a relationship, I take it for what it is. Then the emotions get in the way. It just happens one day and then you get jealous, or do crazy things you thought you would never do because you are smarter than that. You are independant woman. You've survived this long without getting your heart involved. And for what? Then you develop the "Dumb Girl Syndrome" and chaos and drama is afluttering around the room. I just dont want to leave any loose ends. This may not make any sence to you who reads the blogs. It makes sence to me and thats all that matters. I just dont want to be a Dumb Girl.

FEI FEI

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Link for this page: http://www.mycathatesyou.com/cats/2005/12/87

My first blog: okay lyrics from a song but I love it! Its by Dar Williams and it makes me want to reminisce (where's my spell check....um hello, nicole?) does anyone else know who Dar Williams is? 

Go ahead, push you luck, find out how much love the world can hold, Once upon a
time I had control, and reigned my soul in tight. Well the whole truth, it's
like the story of a wave unfurled, But I held the evil of the world, SO I
stopped the tide, froze it up from inside, And it felt like a winter machine
that you go through and then, You catch your breath and winter starts again,
And everyone else is spring bound. And when I chose to live, there was no joy,
it's just a line I crossed, It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost, So I
was not lost or found. And if I was to sleep, I knew my family had more truth
to tell. And so I traveled down a whispering well, To know myself through
them. Growing up, my mom had a room full of books, and hid away in there, Her
father raging down a spiral stair, Till he found someone, most days his son,
And sometimes I think my father, too, was a refugee, I know they tried to keep
their pain form me, They could not see what it waas for. But now I'm sleeping
fine, Somet
imes the truth is like a second chance, I am the daughter of a great romance,
And they are the children of the war. Well the sun rose with so many colors,
it nearly broke my heart, It worked me over like a work of art, And I was a
part off all that. So go ahead, push your luck, say what it is you gotta say
to me, We will push on into that mystery, And it'll push right back, and there
are worse things than that, Cause for every price, and every penance that I
could think of, It's better to have fallen in love, Than never to have fallen
at all, Cause when you live in a world, well it gets into who you thought you'd
be, And now I laugh at how the world changed me, I think life chose me after
all.