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samedi, décembre 22, 2007

and so it Begins
Humeur actuelle :

déterminé

I just thought of something, something very important.

Just go with this one and finish reading it.

I was sitting in my car, listening to music when Cream's "White Room" came on and I was transported to another place, another time. I just closed my eyes and I could see it. I was laying on the grass with a vaguely familiar girl. It was sunset and I was at peace. I knew I should've been troubled by the horrors of Vietnam and the increasingly radical and violent protests. I knew I should've been concerned with what I was doing with my life.

I wasn't. I was at peace. I had found a special place and I was happy. Lost in a moment otherworldliness.

I opened my eyes, all gone except these lingering thoughts.

Was I born a generation too late? Or was I learning something more, something that I only saw a few minutes later while thinking about this experience. I was glimpsing who I was by way of proxy almost. It was odd, but I felt like my brain had found a way to show me the path.

I often compare my experiences and try to, I don't know, feel how it would've felt to be young and truly idealistic. To not give a damn about what you do, because that almost communal sense of a large group of people doing a just and right act was wonderful. I feel that with the way our country is headed, with pressures clamping down on society, that we may see this again. It might not be our generation--and a shame if it isn't, we need a cause--but the anger is building again and if our society, culture, politics, and economics have gone through multiple revolutions, some violent, some (relatively) peaceful, why can't it go through another one?

It is up to our generation to make this change, or at least get the ball rolling. Every single day, almost every one of you takes the freedoms laid out in the ideals of our forefathers for granted. Why? Because you haven't seen the other side. Then again, neither have I. But there are some freedoms granted to us in documents that, well, shouldn't have to be. They should be inborn and accepted by all at all times. End this religious intolerance! Stop this petty political backstabbing and slandering! Stop treating people like consumers, citizens, animals or numbers! Treat them like human beings that have all the same rights you do!

Don't let people speak hatred to you, but when they do, preach only love. Not peace though, I really believe that peace is something that humanity is not quite ready for; something horrible is going to happen before we finally understand the true value of peace. I hope that something is not our Revolution. It might be though. I would be honored to be part of the generation of Americans that taught the world this lesson, but I fear it won't be a pretty picture that is taken.

I am not preaching violence in any shape or form. I do believe in defending my freedoms and my right to have them though and if they are taken from me, I will do anything I have to do in order to restore them. I want to believe that the beautiful ideal of a peaceful and loving world will be reached without any violence; my gut and intellect don't share that ideal. I don't think there will be outright war, but civil unrest will make '68 seem like the sweetest dream in comparison. This, this I will fully endorse and even propagate! I will not go down without a fight!

Join the Revolution! Don't go down without a fight! Protest the actions of your government! Tell yourself, "I WILL BE HEARD!" and believe it! Spread this message to the world! Repost it wherever you want! Put it up on bulletin boards, real and virtual. Send it to news sites, I don't care. As long as the message is heard, I will be happy. Just let the people know who is bringing this message to them; I am not afraid anymore.

I am not just another background voice anymore. This is my course of action. This is not the last time I will speak, but until then, make yourself heard!

Thank you and goodnight,

Richard Walls

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You know, this started out as a completely different idea, but I just started playing with everything and this is where I arrived.

Originally, this was going to be a piece on how, in order to find yourself, find who you were 30 or 40 years ago when your parents were 18-23 and what kind of forces in the world molded them into the people they are. This will give us a better idea of who we, as a generation and as individuals, have become.

Damn, even this is taking me into thinking about the Revolution. I think I might have found a calling...

Actuellement j'écoute:
A Passage in Time
Par Authority Zero
Date de publication : 21 October, 2002

6:01

3 Comm.

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mercredi, octobre 17, 2007

A new take

You know how the sudden, downhill rush of a rollercoaster is the absolute best part, right? Thats it is the bottom, when you are left with that want for more, that really sucks? What if the key is not to level out the rollercoaster or get off, but to make sure we never stop dropping? I think the dropping doesn't signify us dropping into depression or misery, but rather the exhilaration of life completely overtaking our mind, body, and spirit. What we are afraid of is the bottom, when that exhilaration fades into a memory of ecstasy that we can't seem to find again. The rise represents our struggles and perserverence to reach the top; to know that what we seek is only but a few breathes away.

This brings us once again to that insane drop; that sensation of looking at someone only to have your breath taken away so fast it leaves your head spinning. So the key is not to get off the rollercoaster, but to make sure that the really fun part of the ride never stops. Find that thing, person, place that makes everything just seem to fade into the mist, leaving only the object of your desire in your sight, in your mind, in your heart.

5:31

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mercredi, octobre 10, 2007

The Ultimate Goal
Humeur actuelle :

confus

I feel like I've been abandoned.

I know there is very little in the way of truth to this statement, but the depression says otherwise.

I think I've found the goal that I have been so desperately searching for so long. Well, the goal emerged during a conversation with Erica exploring what the ultimate goal really was and how it varied from person to person.

Seems that she shares the same passion for achieving the goal, but is just as afraid as me at how it will impact the experience driven life we want to (and currently) live. How does one achieve this peace and "happiness" without giving up everything they believe in? Or does it require completely changing your world view in order to accept? I am not quite yet willing to find out, even as desperate as I am to achieve my ultimate goal. I am afraid that my experience driven existence will be replaced by one that is ultimately superior, but not as up and down oriented. What would it be like to live an existence that only has "up" moments? Is that really living life to its fullest, even if you become content with that way of life?

Really glad that Erica and I became friends; fun times!

Actuellement j'écoute:
A Passage in Time
Par Authority Zero
Date de publication : 21 October, 2002

2:22

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mardi, septembre 25, 2007

The Beach
Humeur actuelle :

curieux

Ok, here is the deal. I am driving down to the beach Thursday afternoon after class and I would like some company. I intend to stay down until about an hour after sunset to get the full effect of the sun setting over the waves during this sublime time of year.

Any takers or do I have to do this alone?

Actuellement j'écoute:
Surfer Rosa
Par Pixies
Date de publication : 20 May, 2003

5:30

2 Comm.

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lundi, août 27, 2007

How I hate and love music and then some
Humeur actuelle :

méditatif

I both love and hate how music can sum up ones feelings and thoughts. I love it because it puts words to my thoughts and actions, defines them more. I hate it because I wasn't the one to write such beautiful words.

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The Zombies - The Way I Feel Inside

Should I try to hide
The way I feel inside
My heart for you?
Would you say that you
Would try to love me too?
In your mind could you ever be
Really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things
I want to say tonight

But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I will dream that someday you'll be
Really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things
I want to say tonight

But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide
The way I feel inside

Actuellement j'écoute:
Begin Here
Par The Zombies
Date de publication : 27 December, 2004

1:10

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lundi, juin 04, 2007

Disconnect and hit "Send"

Everyday I feel more and more disconnected from the people in my life. I can hardly stand to be around them sometimes and that hurts me. I love these people but its hard when nobody around you shares the same goals (though admittedly my goals are bat shit crazy), thought patterns, or even control.

Yes, control. I can NOT stand people with no control over the things in their lives. Don't let a drink, a plant, food, or need to be accepted ruin who you are. Yes, I am speaking to a select group and I don't give a damn if I offend. I held this in for far too long and I know that even I am not immune to these problems. The difference is that I try to control them, or was trying to control them, so that I don't end up being owned by my vices.

Put down the pipe. Put down the bottle. Put down the fatty food. Don't dress sexy.

You don't need the pipe. The bottle will kill you. Fatty food is yummy but in moderation. You are sexy as you are.

Goddamn I'm pissed off.

Maybe I will just disconnect from everybody for a few weeks or months. Thats right. You heard me. Though the odds of that happening are pretty slim, I will more than likely be pretty ruthless about my social interactions from here on out. Some of you have seen this before from me and know how much of an ass I'm about to become. Maybe you will survive this round, maybe not.

I know my soul won't.

Maybe this weekend in Pensacola will change my outlook. But its with family, so I expect to be drunk and raising hell.

Ignore any calls from the Escambia County Jail...

Actuellement j'écoute:
The Closing of Winterland
Par Grateful Dead
Date de publication : 16 December, 2003

6:14

2 Comm.

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mercredi, mai 30, 2007

Looking for a place to live this fall
Humeur actuelle :

pétillant

Thats right ladies and gents, I am trying to find a place to live for the fall and spring.

I can afford anything up to $550 including utils. I would prefer to be near TCC/FSU or close to work (I work off Appalachee).

Any help would be greatly appreciated as I am sick of living where I am now.

I am a smoker, though I don't smoke inside. I have one cat that may or may not be moving with me; she may continue living at my parents house. I can cook, but I hate to clean. I tend to keep to myself.

Actuellement j'écoute:
40 Oz. to Freedom
Par Sublime
Date de publication : 23 July, 1996

4:20

4 Comm.

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mardi, mai 29, 2007

Got to stop wishin, got to go fishin down the rock bottom again
Humeur actuelle :

hébété

So yeah, I know it has been a while since I last posted, but I am feeling a real disconnect from my current world. Things that were going so right are now nothing but dust.

I know I shouldn't have expected much from Emilie, but I couldn't help it, she was (and still is) a wonderful person. I just wish that wonderful person had chosen to stay with me. This kind of thing always makes me incredibly depressed. I can't help it, I have significant mental problems and they always end up fucking me over.

Though I must say, some of the people who have offered support to me over the past week...well...I never would've thought they cared. One person in particular has been supportive and super nice to me, someone I didn't expect to be so to me at any point. Odd.

I've been drunk now for over a week. I know its a bad way of dealing with things, but its the only way that I can right now. I got dumped, I'm not getting shit for hours at work. I can't seem to straighten my life back out. She had helped with that, I was starting to become the person I wanted to be and just like every other time I think I could be happy, something happens. Something out of my control. Never any rhyme or reason. Just buttfucked without lube. Again.

But happiness doesn't just come to you because of someone, you have to make it. So I will continue on, trying to work towards my goals; alone if I have to, but I would prefer to have someone special by my side.

I want to go to the beach. Right now. and never return.

Actuellement j'écoute:
Songs You Know by Heart
Par Jimmy Buffett
Date de publication : 25 October, 1990

3:17

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mercredi, avril 25, 2007

YAY! good times in a basket of fun!
Humeur actuelle :

ivre

Ok, so I'm slightly drunk right now and more than content with my life.

Yes, this is an update post and it won't be sad, pitiful or too terribly depressing.

Important news: As many of you know, I started seeing someone new for the first time in far too long. I must say, she is absolutely wonderful and its a joy to have a woman in my life after so many girls. Yes, there is a difference. Trying hard not to follow previous trends, but she makes it difficult with her perfect everything. Shit, got it real bad, don't I?

Almost completed two semesters in a row, only one more exam; I haven't done this since high school (Full Sail's 1-month semesters don't count). I am proud of myself, even if my grades aren't as good as they should be, I'm still happy to be back in school and doing well.

My grandmother (dad's mom) had a major stroke Sunday. She was moved today to the hospice ward of the hospital in Pensacola. She isn't expected to live through the weekend. I know this may be a sad subject, but I am glad this has happened to her, she was living a life of mental decay that left her unable to accomplish even the most simple of tasks. At least this way she will be in a better place and away from my grandfather, whom she divorced 51 years ago, for at least a little while; that should make her very happy.
My dad is taking it in stride, but he has been preparing for this for a few years now and has everything in order. I think it is also helping that he is the eldest child and the one in charge of my grandmother's estate, this has allowed him to stay busy while the others just wallow in pity.

Went "fishing" on Saturday, but we didn't leave the dock until 4pm due to some much needed repairs to the boat that HAD to be done. Sigh. Maybe one day soon I will get to go on an actual fishing trip, but right now I have to be content with the short ride we took to the island.

Ok, to sum things up: LIFE ROXORZ MY BOXORZ, even with the sad.

Can't wait until tomorrow, get to see Emilie again :-)

Actuellement j'écoute:
Rubber Soul
Par The Beatles
Date de publication : 25 October, 1990

5:20

2 Comm.

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