So I just feel the need to blog here for a moment. I feel like so many times I have so much to say and no one to listen. Or if they do listen, I want to be heard even more. I know this may be totally random , and if so just humor me. I so often feel that there is apart of me that wants to be known, that one spot that wants so desperatly to show it's self yet it stands up against the wall , waiting on something, foolishly thinking that it's going to come to me  in a flash. I know OI can be transparent and wear my emotions on my sleeve, maybe it's the songwriter in me, the dreamer... I realize that if I come on too string or interrupt, or take over the convo, I don't mean too I just wantto be included. I just want to  be apart of something. Worth everyone's time and so on. Maybe this is me just venting or having too much time on my hand this evening.. I dunno... Ijust know that there is this part of me  that's still searching, searching for her life's dreams, purpose, and for whatever it is that God wants me to do. I really don't think anyone will even read this thing, but if you do please know I don't wamt pity, I just want to shine , to make someone's day better, to the friend that you can call at 3AM and doen't mind because that's what friends do. I have a passion for things that I don't want to let fade. I know that God made me a music novice or knowledge for a reason, I wonder sometimes if I am just looking too much, expecting too much , too soon............

OK!

So the Olympics ! Yeah, well I started thinking about it all. I mean, these athelets coem from ALL OVER the world and they all ahev THAT dream of all dreams! They are the BEST at what they do, yet while watching the competions, they're human side begins to show. I think that this is especially shown in Gymnastics . I mean these World Champions , on what is considered there best skill fall. I watched several that were considered THE best, fall  off the High Bar, Balance Beam, mis judge a Vault and so on. BUT in the end, they all shake hands and encourage one another. They show there human-ness (if that's a word) I too have felt like I was on teh Balance Beam and teh world was watching me only to fall on my face. BUT somehow with what strength that's left , they get back up and FINISH the routine. Knowing  that they aren't going to earn a medal . This is just a thought for the day , night , morning (considering it's 12:30am at the moment)

You can call these runners, sprinters, swimmers, Divers, Pole Vaulters, Gymnest and so on THE GREATEST , The World Record Breaker, but really they are just ordinary people with extraordinary talents. Yet they are proud of what they accomplished for their country and themselves. Giving ordinary kids with dreams the chance to be inspired!

I have been reminded many times and again today about where my focus needs to be. I want so much for this or that to work out , I lose foucs of what I really need the most. However, it's just a matter of applying  it all and trusting The Lord and my heart that  as GDB  puts it" All will be well" . I just want so much to heard, seen by others the way God sees me ( as a beautiful young lady with really cool personality and  curly hair)  and to be confident .  I know that my sleeves carry my emotions and most can see my transparency and I can be quriky and difficult. I have a lot frustrations with my work esp, I mean,  I feel stuck and I want OUT! I couldn't even tell you how many times I just wanted to say C-YA! and walk out the door without loking back. BUT "HELLO TARA"! I can't do that. There are so many cool things that I have been doing that I would like to see become more than a just something to do. Like , guitar, songwriting,working at the symphony and now over at the Sommet Center and LP Field. Lord knows I could use the extra money that's for sure! Maybe there have been some stuff in my life that I am trying to extactly what I said that I wasn't going to do. Like, crying for example. I am a major weeper! Don't mean to be .  I often feel that there is SOMETHING out  there that will finally bring me peace with my money,job and realtionships with others. I feel so vunerable even now typing this whine fest of a blog , so maybe I just wrap it up. So I should just end this saying that "Just because something starts differently doesn't mean it's worthless" - Peter, Bjorn and John

PLEASE watch this video that my friend David Peebles in SC sent. IT's AWESOME! Tara

Well,

I tell ya I learned something . It appears that when it comes to songwriting,music,and the fact that some have gotten further along in this than me at this point, I seem to be looking at the WHOLE BIG Picture  ( as usual) wanting it all , all at once. Knowing that in reality that's not the way it all goes. I suppose at one point I thought, "i'm 32 yrs old I don't have time, I gotta hurry". I see that around here in Nashville or in life you  have to earn what ya get. I am soi impatient. We live in an "Just add water" society. I keep thinking about all these  things I want to do or I meet people that have done really well for themselves so far musicaly and are younger than me. I know that I can't sit here anymore and think about What If? Why didn't I do something 8 yrs ago when I came to Nashville? Whine,Whine, Whine..... This past year I really got to see that what talent I knew I had  or have and  is coming along. I suppose I just needed someone to believe in me and tell me I could do this . And I must admit I was intimidated I felt that that person's expectations were set really high but thinking when I got there and they saw what I had or whatever thrie first thought is "This girl is so "...... . I think I just wanna be heard, I just want someone to feel as if I am worth their time, efforts and so on. To see that I'm able to do this. I do have a fire in me about music and ask  those that know me well know, I mean once I start chatting about it , I get all fired up and just get all Chatty Kathy on ya... ya know? which I don't mean too really . I think that I have something in me that  needs to be heard, said, seen whatever. Maybe I am naive, I dunno. I just have to realize that in Nashville and in life, your dream job isn't going to be handed to ya on a silver platter. I'll admit I can be envoius at times..... I don't deserve to be just handed stuff around here or in life. Maybe I think I do , but I know better......

OK ,

So Sunday I worked both shows at the Symphony. So at the second performance I worked in coatcheck. Well, i hear this lady saying "Elizabeth , you need to check your coat". So I look over the counter and there stand little Elizabeth. Three yrs old, white tights , little patton leather mary janes, flower dress, bow in her hair. She came up with her mother and father. They placed teh coats on teh counter and Elizabeth proceeded to tell me " A button missing om my coat". Her folks laughed and it was just so cute. I Said :Oh I see right here. Well, I'll take good care of for you. I gave her  her VERY own coat check ticket and she was all excited. A few minutes later she came back with "Poppy". She was dragging him over to show him  where to take his coat. It was just so cute! Poppy was glad to know  that . Gotta love the kids!

Wednesday I had a rough day. Well, hell it's been a rough week. I swear we had like 15 patients bewteen the hours of 7am and lunchtime. WHEW! Anywho, I was walkling from my car to  the office in Cool Springs and I passed this guy on the sidewalk. And he said "hey how you doing" and I was like "ok . adn he said "Have a nice day" and I then turned and said "THANK YOU! It's been a crappy day so far , so thanks! And then he's all "You heard any good jokes  lately ? I was like eh , so he proceeded to tell me a joke that I really can't redall it was one of those "ba-dh bum" kinda jokes and he was there see I made ya laugh". I walked in the door I am think "Man I should have gotten his name " I mean, he was kinda cute!

So even though this world nowadays can be a unkind it's nice to know that there are some nice people around and something as simple as "Hello". or Have a good day" can  make someone's day.

And cute boy where ever you are THANKS! ;)

Tara

It has come to my attention that I have just come to the point in life where I really hav eto re-examine, take an inventory of what I want and what the hell is is that I am doing with life in gerneral. I realize that I have to really think about why things have been they are. I totally balme myself for my lack of responsiblity to some degree and yet I don't know if anyone is to balme for the other half. My work life has been less than perfect these days realizing that I don't really think I am happy there. I mean, I'm glad to be there but that fire that I have within me isn't. I really hate that feeling.  I have often been reminded that one's occupation and status in life doesn't define who we are but for soem reason it is hard for me to get passed that. Why? I dunno. Insecure? Maybe. I know that there HAS to be more to  my being here than just fucking exsisting. Yeah I said THE word. I'm NOT sorry. I'm just telling it like it is. I know that that I have to really be diciplined with my money, my time and my attitude. I am trying to make postive baby steps in the right direction but I'd rather take the giant leap and get it all done at once. I don't understand why I want to be accepted by some and have yet to be successful. In the words of the great John Lennon " Life is what happens to you when you start making plans". I know that life is too short for me to a whiner (which I am aware that I can be) , life is too short for me to be feeling like nobody really gives a dam. And why I care about that I have no idea. I just want to be ME without being someone else, if that make sense. I feel sometimes that I get tired of  heairng the sound of my own voice. Yet , it doesn't feel like I  have been heard out. The fact that I also take things so personal and get defensive. It's really frustrating. I don't want to spend my 30's asking questions that I can't find answers to. I really have do some soul searching and heart inventory . I hate that I have to wonder why I think the way I do. I hate it that some people give me crap because I am an easy target . I want so much to tell what I really wanna say without feeling guilty afterward. I have this ginormous chip on my shoulder , my heart on my sleeve, emotionally transparent, whatever adjective there is. Also, in the words of John Lennon "I just have to let it go".

Tara