OK, It's gray and rainy and cold. I have the sniffles ( It's been a few weeks with the fucking the sniffles ). I am down to one (count em one) dog walking client and although i could easily get a desk job again making little more than minimum wage just to make myself feel less like a loser and less like a leech sucking the life blood out of my husband, i won't, or haven't, or might. 

I am currently very tired. I didn't sleep very well "tall" as Holly would say.

I have been piecing together a sort of book. It is a collection of narratives, ideas, random thoughts, and a diary in no real order.

If it were ever published ( I am far from that moment now ) I would want it to be considered a postmodern autobiographical fiction.

Post modern because I really don't care to explain myself any more than i want to, and i don't think i should have to. Autobiographical fiction for the same reason.

I am not going to pretend that i make art for the good of the world. I do it for myself. It is an addiction.

I read something somewhere once that said "Oh, God, did it terrify me, to think that i'd live however long I was going to live and look at my life and be forced to say, 'Cubby, you blew it.' And then I'd be snuffed. ..I couldn't stand the idea of living and doing nothing with this thing."

If i wanted to save the world, i would have entered into politics or law, the same goes for wanting to make a ton of money.. funny how something so noble can become so perverted. But well if you put something on a pedestal ....

Any way, here is a chunk of that book. Please keep in mind that it is past and fiction.



Wish you were here

She walked in, grabbed a cigarette and threw back a mouthful of Caribbean rum.
Gulp, smack, and ahhh... and one for the pain gulp, smack and exhale.

Lets review the words shall we? This may be a sophomoric way to explain my feelings now and maybe a moronic way to some extent. However, I really can't put it any better than the words that follow

*
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

* Roger Waters

I once said that the world we captured in photos wasn't real. I said this to you because I knew that’s what you believed, and by my saying it I figured you might still give me your ear, or some residual respect, or at least contest it the way you do with almost everything. You didn't do any of those things.

Time lifts the veils that the present tends to create and it lights up the path behind us. All those enigmatic moments are now cold, clear, past, and, even more condescending, a fiction.

I see now that the world we created was more real than we could have possibly comprehended, and it was so good that it was impossible for us to accept. We didn't deserve to be that happy and we didn't want to be.

Not being able to share the most wonderful God given gifts in each other has created a long wound between us..

the likes of which is prone to infection

I see bone.

..
Our Own Island by ~Sweet-Scarling on deviantART

I don't play the lottery often, i really can't afford to spend much on lotto tickets. But i bought a zodiac scratch off today. I was feeling sort of strange and sad, so when i picked up cigarettes for my mom I got one. I won 2 dollars.

My birthday is tomorrow.

This always makes for intersting company, and by company I don't mean people. I mean a flood of emotion much too large for me to dam up without a little liquor in my system.

No, i am not an alcohalic, but i dam well could be.. theres something to aim for, and I don't even need to shell out 50 grand for a bfa !

None the less i am here, writing, making art, if you will.

Months of nothingness, or what may look like nothingness, from an outsiders point of view, have come to pass.

I will be 29 tomorrow, and I feel so terrified and then really good about it.

When I was young, one of the first dreams i ever remember, was about a ball of light.

It came to me, I was a baby on all fours. A ball of light came to me as i slid next to my mother for comfort. This ball filled me with beauty and orgasm and a promise. A "special purpose" and to this day i have never forgotten it. I am, in fact, plagued with it.

Yes, i realize how quackers ! it sounds, but since i have had 3 glasses of yellow tail white chardonnay, i don't really care right now.

This is the truth...

Whats the difference between an Rorschach inkblot and any photograph ?

none really .

They both provoke the following

conjuring memory, if its good, a tingle is sent from our sex to our brain, creates a spark, the spark, as i see it, starts a sort of resonating chain reaction within our collected unconscious mind.

I have always pictured it in this way, the recesses are like halls with lots of filing cabinets, beige with silver colored handles, nothing fancy, just office style file concordances. Within these files are all the images our minds ever decided to collect, for whatever reason these are the images we refer to later on when looking at something. We compare the new to the old archetype, in less than one second, and then pick up another photo, and another and another, until we finally have amassed a sort of story,

Here's where it gets dicey, we add to it our Other,(refer to Lacan) the Other tells us where we can rest it and what meaning it may hold for us according to our emotional intellect. This is the part where our, new, post primitive brain takes it and tries to make sense of the images we have collected, we essentially edit the images, in this stage .. censoring, dropping out, cross referencing, and maybe even color correcting the story thats being composed, untill we have something we are able to , sort of, understand.. Like trying to understand a new language we, frustrated and metaphysically limited, get a messed up message( imagine a garbled cell phone call, .. but its all we got so we work with it, and try to understand it and hold on to it or reject it and move on to the next possible conductor.

We move from light source to light source with an expanse of darkness in between each spark. We are moths in a sense, and nothing more really.

Or at least thats how i understand it to be.

Currently doing some serious self excavation. The dynamic of how Holly and I work together has shifted. We may never return from whence we came.

I am not sure how we will work together in the future. I am in a bit of emotional pain, but i'll chalk that up to growing pain. I know she has to go her own way and I mine.

Going from muse to bust doesn't feel good, but it serves up healthy portions of lessons about life, art, people, and love.

Along with the shift and loss of this unexplanable relationship dynamic we had comes the trade for a boat load of gradutate study material.

She is getting her degree next year and will officially be called a teacher, but off the record she is very much a teacher to me. She has been sharing her school work and readings from the beginging of the year. I have only learned about a fourth of what she has been taught.

Reading crit papers, theory after theory, artistic movement after artistic movement, Lacan, Sekoula, Godeau, and a laundry list of "others".

So i am feeling what i imagine it must feel like to be a one thousand peice jigsaw puzzle, rattling in its box.

Where do i go from here, now that i am kind of alone, working by myself, do I paint portraits of people i don't really know, but identify with in some cabalistic way. The idea seems sort of unsatisfying to me. It only helps to exacerbate my mania. Then there is the issue of what do i do with this giant portrait now that its done ? Is it right to try and show it ? How do i present the work ? What explanation can i offer for it ? What pitch could i make with it ? Its sort of embarrasing to be mildly obsessed with people i don't know.

The way the art world is now, you really have to over explain things for people  especially those who may want to sell your work. Use the rhetoric, explain the shit out of it, make sure there is a good and, even better, a moral, for the work you do (if your going the contemporary art route) . and then there is the issue of having the artistic resume to follow suit.

All this makes me stop and not paint, not do, or make, just read.

I want to be able to do something and show it to the world, but i don't have the means to make stuff just for the sake of making it, and I especially don't have the physical space in our little one bedroom apartment to keep hoarding 5 foot by 3 foot paintings.

You want to see what i mean ...


I sleep on my paintings.

Yeah, I am thinking of working on a small series (small portraits) of my heros, or something along those lines .. the idea needs some tweeking.

Not sure yet though, to be honest i am disenchanted at the moment. I have come to a wall and the wall is huge (not unlike those you find in an obstacle course) and there is a huge mirror on it, and i am like a hamster stuck gazing at my own reflection.

Narcissm is a sticky fucker.

5 thirty am he kisses my forehead, i am asleep, he kisses me again, my head, my face, i squint to let the wake in. black a squeak of the apartment door and a twist of the lock. Why am i awake at this hour. Groaning I cover my head with a heap of heap of blanket hoping to return to the dream i was having... not a chance. Just now, sirens outside, its not even light outside yet. I am trying to wake up, drinking coffee, smoking cigarette, cloves, djarum special. Why was i dreaming of Storm ? I haven't seen or heard from her in months, actually I can't really remember when i last heard from her. Why did i just dream of her now ? I love her. Not in any other sense than human affection for someone I don't know that well. I pray for a moment. My thoughts, while i am still in bed in our dark bedroom with an orange light coming up over the city skyline outside my makeshift canvas curtains, turn to the day ahead. The questions queue up round my brim. What day is it ? Friday. oh good, I guess. I wonder if i will run into cops again today? Not that they pulled me over yesterday, or will today, but hey, you never know. It's a good thing i have nothing to hide. I am relieved they did their surprise inspection on me back before November, my registration papers were still good then. They do random car inspections in Fort Lee. On Palisade Ave in between my town and the George Washington Bridge. They block off part of the road, slow the cars down, and if they suspect you or if your inspection sticker is old, they wave you over into the middle of the road. They tell you to hand over your papers, they tell you to get out of your car, and they go over every inch of it. Weight, check tires, check some things inside the car, and if your cool and they see fit, they let you go on your way. If i had a picture to give you of it (i wish i had a spy camera) It would look something like a driver side window rolled down to frame a perfect pair of black shiny tall boots and a big black belt, shiny buckle, and leather gloved hand on waist adjacent to shiny black gun. Yes, there is something jarring about living here. But is it very different where you live ? Now, it may be that i didn't take my antidepressants for the last 2 days or, maybe its just me, but doesn't that send off a sort of alarm inside your brain. Yeah, i am paranoid, rightly fucking so. The only difference between the scene i run into every month on my way to work, and the Nazi party is well... I will let you decide.

" In Mother Natures Hands " by Holly Bynoe
corset by Storm
model Sweet Scarling




"God is in us, and all around us"



receive and transmit !

I keep waking up at around 3am every morning. Its eating me.

I have been wanting to write something but it's not coming to a head. i have a block.

I am longing to be in the country with Lorenzo, Holly, and Junior .. fuck the cat .. he has been spraying off like mad.

I am still all fucked up as far as my body is concerned.. all twitchy and pinchy.

Here is a set of photos

at Storm King Sculpture Park

Holly Bynoe Photo 2008

Holly Bynoe Photo 2008

Holly's First Day at the International Center of Photography NYC



There is a video for this .. i will post later.. maybe

Heres us on our way to Stairway to Heaven ( a hiking trail in NJ somewhere )

we found a field of sunflowers which forced us to get out of the car and act like total retards.. good times : )


"heh heh, we're gay"
tired from the trek up



Holly's first time on a NYC rickshaw ..









heh heh !

I have been thinking about how I could make some more money by using my creative skills .. any suggestions..

i have shit load of medium size t shirts i could paint on and or modify .. blech ! i hate stressing over money.

Holly, could we leak one of the new photos (small jpg) ?? I am dying to show the world what we have been brewing..

Love and Light !

XO
SS

Since Holly landed one month ago we have been working round the clock. But the physical burnout sends me into deep sleeps and vivid dream sequences. I am enjoying myself thoroughly.

Currently, I am very sore round the neck and in between my shoulder blades. I need a massage, five minutes with a hot russian chick will help me immensely, i think.The work makes for a great appetite despite the muscular distress.
I have been eating really well ! : )

Also, we have had exceptionally rotten luck with technology. Our modem died, our phones stopped working, and that forced us to buy pre paid cell phones, which i detest, and the second we got our internet back Holly's computer stopped working, there is more but whatever.. and for your information, Verizon is the living devil. I swear, i must have wracked up like 1000 minutes with them over the course of the month. I would rather have a live crab shoved up my chooch than be made to spend one more fucking minute on the phone with them. One of my greatest pet peeves is waisted time.

Darkness , i swear !

I am overwhelmed now, thinking about what i need to write here, because so much has transpired since my last entry.

My brain is cartwheeling atm.

Here is what i can say in a nut shell...

1 - Go out and rent or buy Alice in Wonderland
[TV 1985] (1985)Starring: Natalie Gregory, Sheila Allen Director: Harry Harris
TRUST ME ON THIS, Sammy Davis Junior as the Caterpillar is worth the 4 dollars

2 - Trader Joe's will soon take over the world and i will applaud when they do.

3 - "owch my fucking neck is killing me" it feels all pinchy

4 - We have been shooting every weekend since she got here.. we meaning Lorenzo, Holly, and Myself

5 - Its GOOD ! really fucking good !

We have all drawn a lot of insight from tarot cards. Inspiration keeps us moving.

A great ball of light

I had a dream that Holly passed unto me a great ball of light
my chest opened up to receive it
it sank into me
in a flash it exploded
I became overwhelmed with goodness and light
my heart was a prism
and the physical orgasm stayed for what seemed like forever

I gotta go and see a bird about a plane

J

Holly is on her way as i write this

speechless now

Love Light and Agape

XO
SS

Angels vs. Gods

Artist Loft Party in Brooklyn tonight


Angels vs. Gods
An Art / Performance / Masquerade Party

11pm through sunrise @ Dubai:Brooklyn
http://www.dubaibrooklyn.com

TheDanger, Rubulad, 3rd Ward, Ad-Hoc Arts and a dozen
artists and performers have taken over 14,000 sqft. of
former knit factory to create a prophetic vision of
nightlife set loose. As our days are consumed by heat
and turmoil, this is our heavenly escape.

Experience:
An all night debaucherous dance party with elegant techno,
deep house and hip-hop beats by djs: Kimyon, MSG, Lauren
Flax, Reaganomics and resident Zemi 17.

In the downstairs room of brick and steel, Rubulad
presents an eclectic mix of inspired live acts including:
Mia Theodoratus - An angelic act of harp and vocals;
Discovery - A fancy four-piece juzz/funk ensemble; Gato
Loco - Screams it's way through Latin jazz while
The Mickey Western Band brings deep woods melodies.

Plus the Absinthe Harem by Goodman Industries and Larisa
Fuchs, Peripheral Media Projects presents a live mural built
on street art ambition with high-art ideals, Sebastian Patane
Masuelli debuts the video art installation "Love like With
And Low, like I dug", Marlene Kryza shows a vision of Devilish
Detail, the Urban Gormet serves brilliant Brooklyn eats as
Lady Spin faces off with Malcom Stuart in an epic battle of
the Angelic and the Godly.

On this night you are participant and performer. Arrive
costumed as Angel or God for discounted entrance and a
chance to prove once and for all which is mightier: the
wing or the sword. The most convincing Angel or God will
be rewarded with free drinks all night (think beyond the
boundary of Sunday school.)

All this and more at Dubai:
341 Scholes St, Bushwick Brooklyn.

Take the L train to Montrose Ave, walk two blocks north
to Scholes and three blocks east to the location.
Listen for the music.

Arrive after 11pm and stay past sunrise.
$15 with Angelic or Godly costume.
$20 without.

Details and Directions are at:
http://www.dubaibrooklyn.com

Art, Music, & Performance
Made Exquisitely Out-of-Control.

Some say Dubai was built by fallen angels in a vain
attempt to climb back to the clouds. Others say it is the
play-land of gods and demons and nothing in between. For
us the myth of Dubai is a simple excuse for escape. Our
story is one of blessed intoxicants lubricating a
nighttime fantasy that is one part masquerade ball and two
parts all-night bacchanal.

____________________________________

TheDanger List
http://www.thedanger.com


Agape, love and all the hippie shit

SS

Sweet Scarling
to Holly


give me a shout lady love.. are you alright dearest ?


I'm doing much better in my head and heart and body too : )

i am making the house pretty for you love..

and me and Lorenzo too

and the babies.

the demon spawn..

; }

Holly to Sweet Scarling


Internet less until today.
Apparently it was up but because they told me Friday I never checked.
I am okay, my hard drive dropped yesterday and conked out on me. I cant retrieve nothing.
When I come up I have to sort it out as it is very important, I spent the last couple days converting data from dvd's and cd's.
Some of it is lost but I am sure they would be able to retrieve some of it.

I am waiting for my I 20 and getting a visa appt hopefully I have some news for you soon with regards to dates.
Me and nads are planning departures for August 8th each, her to a wedding at home, me to you all.

Ill write more as I am still wet from my work out. So happy to have the internet yay

*** Later ***

Hello dear,

I realised my last email to you must have sounded very rushed, it was. I finally have some time to myself this morning
Along with a bout of belly pain, I went out to dinner last night to one of my favorite places at home and had a good time
With a long time friend Amanda, it was great reconnecting, even though we rarely speak anymore it seems as though
Information still passes freely.

I drove all over it was lovely reminiscent of old times years ago when I would have my summer breaks. I realised however
That I have grown up quite a bit. I was speaking of both of you and I was just thinking how lucky I have been in life so far, being
Able to channel and somehow attain a connection to the greatest people on this planet. I don't know what I have done
To deserve such but I thank you dearly, both you and Lorenzo for what you have done for me, what you are doing now and what you will do for me
In the future. My only concern is that I hope I can return the favor in due time.

It is almost to much at times when I think of it, the goodness, the overwhelming charity. But I gladly accept
All your gifts, your sweat, your hard work, your well wishes, your actions that will make my life better. God I hope this doesn't sound
To gushy but I am in that mood today. The demon spawn...i cant wait to embrace them each, I keep trying to put all the information together in my head to feel out how it will be when I get there, I am no longer worried about the up move, but the displacement here. It will be hard for me, but I have you two (four) and I am sure it will be much easier once everything is settled.

It is Saturday, less than a month now from leaving home, I feel the need to saturate and soak up everything, everything, every minute, every inch of color, every emotion poured out from my parents ( even though I am PMSing right now and it is hard) I try to not be to much of a bitch and just breathe and note that this time with them is going to be the most special moment for me. I guess in reality I am trying to adjust and let go while holding on tightly...they have a word for that :)..

So I am off for the day, to get two hours of exercise in to counteract that seafood pizza and lime pie I had last night, and hopefully get a swim in. I hope you both are having a beautiful day in NJ, together full of love.


And I leave all of mine.


Entirely.

Moi


****


Sweet Scarling to Holly

Thank you so much for the letter : )

it is so good to hear from you. We were on holiday yesterday and this weekend is sort of a nice little mini break for the 2 of us. We needed to connect a bit, the stress here has been tense.. With his work and me getting all anxious over your coming here .. i want you to be comfortable in the space we have for now. I worry a lot about it, i am afraid i will wear on your nerves being in such close quarters.

I pray alot these days.

Holly, no matter what happens, or how things unravel i want us to come out stronger and more fused together than ever before, so we need to be very clear and honest about our feelings as things unfold.

I know i am getting ahead of myself and causing myself undue stress. Its just that everyone in my family, save for my mom, and even she was trepidatious when i first told her about our wanting you to live with us, is telling me that it won't work, won't be good, and that it will cause problems.

I realize they don't know us, I mean, how we feel about each other .. but they do have so much more experience in life.. and have become hardened by the process too.

So, if you or i, or Lorenzo, ever need to vent or get some things out, we need to do it with clarity and swiftly, and constantly.

Do you feel any of these things ?? Do you really think you can handle me and my crazies in cramped quarters.

I was happy having you here and never wanted you to leave. I worried a bit about how you felt about being with us, especially when you were visiting the last time. Things were rough with Lorenzo and me too..

So i would understand if one day you decided that maybe you wanted to live on your own or needed your space faster than we could provide ..


hard stuff, and i am thinking too much..

God help me I worry so much : (


****

Holly to Sweet Scarling


All I have to say to this is:

Don't worry, and let the chips fall where they will. I really would have never decided to come back to the US if I were to be on my own. I prefer to not be bounded in solitude. That was one of the biggest reasons me deciding to come back the fact that maybe it would work if I weren't so alone and I had support around me. Frankly my home right now is ideal, I would push my life and progress back if I had to. But I don't want to at all. And I don't want to cause you worry.

Having my own space is something that is very important to me, but like I said before I am willing to work with you and Lorenzo to come an ideal that is suitable for us all. I Know that me coming to live with you will change your life completely, it is something that will bring a lot of anxiety on but try not to worry about it, a bed and place to put my things will be good until something else comes up. I think that we know each other to little and by that I mean we know the people we have become within the last few years but my critical growing period when I left for college when I was 17, for four years I lived with three other women in a 15 by 8 foot room. I shared one bureau with three women, bathrooms with 100+. I am not saying that I want to live like this again, but I am saying that I don't want to live on my own or with anyone else right now in my life. So I will make myself as comfortable as I can and when I am not I will be sure to communicate that to you and Lorenzo.

I know you both are putting your relationship with each other and with me on the line here, but I think right now we have good faith leading us. I am not a piece of cake to live with and yes I know that talking things out clearly and concisely and of course with truth is the best way to deal with things as they proceed from here on. Please don't overwork yourself or kill yourself with undue stress before I am there. It is a huge change but one that we will know if it works or if it doesn't quite soon. I loved living with you before in the short period that we had together and I am sure that our bond will grow from here on.

What is the worse that could happen really? I don't foresee us being bitchy with one another and if we are, just know that in the end we can always say our sorry's and learn a little bit more about each others dysfunctions. I have cooled out a lot and I hope that when I am there your heart will find a compatriot and I will be able to help both of you learn things about yourself and ways to cope with things differently. I have to say that your words made me feel a little upset in the sense that I really don't want to cause any unnecessary stress on both of you.

I have to ask you though: Do you really want me there with you both? IF the answer is yes with hesitation then it is normal. IF it is an unsure yes then I need to know. I think we are going to do fine, and I wont be there a lot, well I don't know much about school or schedules or internship yet but I think maybe for these two years I am going to die a little bit from all the hard work. I have three goals in mind, 1. To be with Nadia and start a life for us. 2. To get some sort of permanency when I am finished. 3. To keep all the important people in my life included and loved.


Please share this with Lorenzo. I don't know if you wanted me to ffwed it on.


All my love

Moi

***

Sweet Scarling
to Holly


You know what happened not 3 hours after we spoke.. I got my period : ) Hahaha !

I had to laugh at myself and us.. I didn't get my period last month, so i wasn't really expecting it this month..

I felt so much better after that and speaking with you, my strong hold.

I think we should start with this feeling when it comes to all the nervous expectation of our sure to be great future together..

"I loved living with you before in the short period that we had together and I am sure that our bond will grow from here on."

as i said before.. i loved living with you and didn't want you to leave.. and my heart broke a bit when you did.. As for me and Lorenzo, we are devoted to each other, we won't break, not with God in our midst.

We both fell in love with you dear, thats what we should feel and remember ..

One thing i have learned to be true, is when you really love someone, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.. it will work, so long as you love each other. It worked for me and him, my family practically disowned me for a while when i decided to marry him after only 3 months of knowing him..

The feeling was so similar when i met you.. You, standing in a sea of people on a busy NY corner, your pink scarf and gleaming face stuck out in real time while the droves moved past you in slow motion.. Forces of nature sort of thing, really.

We fell in love shortly there after.. and both got so scared when realized we had .. we didn't know what or how or if it was right or good.. But like the good book says.. You will know them by their fruits.. Have we put forth some good fruit since then ?

I would say so : )

Sorry if i worried you dear, you can be sure it was mostly PMS, if not all of it. I feel great about our future now, and i think God wants this to be : ) and it excites me down to the hairs on my neck to think this is all suppose to be happening.. i know it to be true now.

Faith and Love, Trust and Devotion

: P

and love and love and love

I am so friggin busy i haven't the time to post more than this line.

I want you to meet my friend and muse Roberta Lima. When it comes to her, her art, and her beauty, no one can compare in my heart.

She and i are friends through emails and the occasional mail package, and i love her and understand her.

if i sound obsessed, it's because i am.

When i work,(paint, write, build, make art etc), the end piece is usually the fruit of an obsession. My art comes from something that, i think, most people are scared to embrace in themselves. I have elected to use my obsessions to love and create.

So, without further a do, if you have a weak stomach, or are close minded, or easily scared, or bothered, then don't click on the links below.

Yes, i have been drawing, writing, and doing my chores like a good little girl. I have also been suffering, and weeping, and at the same time feeling happier than ever. It has been a hell of a couple of weeks. The emotional roller coaster can be a lot of fun once you let go of the fear of it.



i will post some new art soon : )

Agape

Roberta Lima dot com



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPXIr-A-v_A

Roberta Lima dot com

..
God bless this teepee by *Sweet-Scarling on deviantART

While we were away from PA some local kids decided to destroy our tee pee. It is completely irreparable. Lorenzo found her remains upon his last visit to our land in Ogle Township.

I am O.K. about it, I was very angry and upset for a little bit, but i know it is going to be OK and that our next dwelling will be even more beautiful and better suited.

Agape and all that hippie shit !

XOXO
moi