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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

A Little

**NOTE**this was written about me not by me

I suppose deep inside all new things are terrifying in their own way
Like a child released from the only room he's known to see the day
Everything shifts a little as what was once your world expands beyond
The limits you thought existed, and perhaps of such had become somewhat fond

I guess I could have never been lost in your eyes and melted within
I suppose to some the safety of the known overwhelms the need to begin
I gaze out across a plateau with something akin to the truest free breath
All I am seems cleansed as I watch the sun in your eyes die the tiniest death
A little paler it seems once the walls no longer surround your face
And my world seems all at once to have changed utterly, nothing's out of place
And though I can't quite place a finger on the pulse of the rhythms that move
I know on a level I barely comprehend that all that once was has improved

Suppose the world was the dream and the dreams were the light
And the things we fear the most were only what we hold inside
Would acknowledging myself as my bane make me something less of a man
Or would I be the last of a broken, fragile race to come to understand?

I could keep myself in my box of self-defeating regret and fear
So afraid to step out into the unknown even though the way is clear
Close the doors and windows to keep out the laughter permeating outside
I could stay in here forever, but would I ever really be alive?
The sun seems a little less bright, having to fight for the sky
A little less warm when contrasted with the spark in your eyes
And some would claim it would be far better to never know what might not be mine
But I believe, deep down, that by far the biggest waste would be not to try

What if all the world was nothing but dreams and only lies for light
And the only things holding us back were fears we cultivate inside
Would acknowledging the demons within us make us weaker by far
Or would we try to overcome them, one at a time, to be who we are?

I could wake myself from the dreams of caressing your skin in the light
I could give in, I suppose and just allow the lies of the world to be right
I could say it's too hard, and that there's no point in persuing true love
I could deny the dark and the night and the lights I see shining up above
But the sun seems a little less bright, reflected back at me from your eyes

8:21

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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

The Walk (I hope you don't mind)

**NOTE**this was written about me not by me

Trapped in thoughts overwhelming as I reach out skyward for you
Lost, left longing for something more than an after-dream of two
And as I descend into the quiet spaces I hide so deep inside of me
I get so tangled up on my tongue, can you teach me how to breathe?

Everything's so serious, I play games with the dawn
Completely enmeshed in bottomless pools from beyond
And as I try so hard to adapt myself to be who I am, I find
That perhaps I'm closer than ever to what I thought behind
My eyes see nothing real, only what I tell myself must be
And is it just me, or is it getting hard to feel anything?

Trapped in thoughts overwhelming as I face the days without you
Lost, desperately searching for all those right things to do
And I as I fail yet again, I find I have no choices left to me
I get so tangled up on my tongue, I think I forgot how to breathe

Every mistake is a nightmare, creeping quietly in the dark
Just waiting for me to fail to rekindle just one more spark
One more reason, one more excuse to get up and run
It's all downhill I fear, but I suppose that it's more fun
Racing faster than my feet can keep pace, I lean into the hills
And lose myself with my thoughts and hide from the fear that kills
I cannot succumb to the whispers of the end calling my name
It's my life by my choice, No one but me to upon place the blame

Trapped in thoughts overwhelming as I reach across oceans for you
Lost, it's so much harder knowing what you want instead of pretending to
And as I empty reserves, I find I'm left with a strange kind of peace
I get so tangled up on my tongue, I don't think I'll ever get free

Everything's so serious when it's mistakes I know better than to make
Completely disgusted with myself every time I stop to take a break
The road waits for me alone, and no one but me shall tread
And I will walk as far as I must to get outside of my head
All the insecurities plaguing me, brought about by only myself
I am the perfect constructor of my most beautiful, one man hell
I step with care upon paths overrun with death and decay, and in time
The way to home will return and I have only to look deeper to find
That nothing matters but the walk and the hardest steps are the best
I just get so tangled up on my tongue, and this pain in my chest

Trapped in thoughts overwhelming as I dream only of you
Lost, but never wandering far when I think you need me to
And I will fail many times before I finally get something right
Tangled up on my tongue, but more than willing to walk through the night
I can see the sun promising light somewhere up ahead of me
The radiance of knowing something good could be happening
And as long as I walk I will arrive when it's the right time
You get me so tangled up on my tongue, I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind

8:20

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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

Velvet

**NOTE**this was written about me not by me
.
Velvet curtains draw over an azure dream
As absent wanderers trace lazy circles in cream
And as the bluest skies fade with a whisper of a smile
The world holds its breath and watches for a while

Is a moment better spent here or where you while away?
Finally a choice with no wrong, and a place to stay
So comforted in ways so hard to express
Such a pleasant torture with your scent on my chest
And is it wrong to want to worship when a soul feels only rejoice?
Or is that what Heaven is supposed to mean, if given the choice?

As velvet curtains draw over an azure dream
An an absent wanderer learns how to breathe
The bluest eyes close with the tease of a smile
And the world holds its breath and daydreams for a while

A pressure on the chest as much within as without
Accompanies a smile that knows nothing of doubt
The scent of forever teasing breezes of repose
While that long left withered finds room to grow
And is it wrong to smile while tears trace the lines of your face?
Or does it mean that Heaven was never meant to be a place?

Black velvet tucks in around azure dreams
While an absent wanderer wonders what forever means
The bluest eyes never close, though she dreams for a while
And the world holds its breath as it feels itself smile

Is a moment better spent in your arms, or with you in dreams?
Or does it matter either way, as long as you have me?
Drawing comfort from the bluest eyes resting where I lay
And wondering if prayer means asking forever to stay
Is it wrong to believe forever has a choice?
Or maybe no one ever asked Heaven if it had a voice?
Guarding velvet curtains as they comfort azure dreams
An absent wanderer wonders if perhaps this is what Heaven means
Keeping watch over blue eyes with the smallest of smiles
Holding his breath and just watching for a while

8:19

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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

Weight

**NOTE**this was written about me not by me

the light dims to embers as night creeps slowly in
a romantic spark caressing the horizon in play
and as the sun sets on another evening spent trapped within
I find that virtues forgotten have at last found stay
a purchase once so tenuous and uncertain with time
finally a nest, a home, a place to rest in my mind

The days drag on and the nights can't last
Fighting a one man war I can't get past
Clawing and tearing away with a fragile heart
I find the weight of the waiting is the hardest part

in the nights I once feared I find my greatest reprieve
the moments of nothing at all, except all we could be
sometimes i feel so stupid, optimism comes hard
but I can't live forever trapped within my scars
so much better now than I was, I know all too well
the voices haunting the mind in the quiet moments
I have seen the bitter, self-loathing, personal hell
the one that eats at your soul and never relents
and I managed a whole day to stem the tide of sorrow
and for once I still have some hope left for tomorrow

The days drag out and the nights go so fast
Fighting a one-man-war that just can't last
Clawing and tearing away at a fragile heart
I find the weight of the waiting is the hardest part

dreams flicker through a mind so confused by everything
not the least of which being why anyone could want me
and I cherish the laughter I see occasionally in your words
I walk through gardens in starlight to dance with you again
I smile a little even at myself for thoughts ever so absurd
but I cherish every fleeting moment where it feels like I win
Maybe tomorrow will be lonelier than today could ever achieve
Maybe tomorrow i'll have to fight so much harder to stand
Maybe the sun and the moon will collide, killing everything
But at least, for once, I know I'm doing everything that I can

To shelter the flickers of hope from a world so dark
Bearing the weight of the waiting with the fragilest heart
So unsure of the outcome, I'll keep ressing on, regardless
Because for once I don't care about the consequences
I just want to do what seems right, and it feels so good to be free
To watch the sun kiss the sky goodnight, next to you, in my dreams

8:17

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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

Yin and Yang

............

**NOTE** this was written about me not by me

Sunlight streaks across silken waves
As the bluest skies span across the day
Whispering breezes alight and dance around
Laughter, quiet and soft pressing into the ground
Another moment of blissful reentry
Another loss of a morning spent in reprieve
And as the sun braves the day, I drift off again
So content, so happy, so complacent
In your arms

And as the sun sets upon another goodnight
And the fires of dreams come out and take flight
Into stratospheres of perfection so pure, so real
Everything makes sense, the truest way to feel
Is lost inside and finally free of it all
Tripping over nothing and savoring the fall
So perfect in the reflections of angel wings
The moon glows with fires that the sun alone brings

They dance in the sky, the moon and the fire
As if the moon wishes to fly, but can get no higher
Following his star with a mournful crying out
And the sun paints the way to follow without doubt
In orbit she spins, painting streaks of fire and light
And the moon pereseveres, through the cold and the night
Seeking only her solace, her warmest embrace
Ignoring the whispers below of some race
So dark without her, radiant in her gaze
So cold inside, the moon wishes only to blaze
To reflect just a sliver of her beauty to behold
So as she cannot stay, he must follow, he knows

And as lovers embrace, often glimpsed in dreams
The moon absorbs all the light his sun brings
The world stops for a moment, when they chance to entwine
The darkness the moon's world shared for a moment of time
Still she cannot stay, and he must follow once more
And he will, eternally seeking her shores
She is his solace, his comfort, his only hope of light
Without her everything is darkness and pain and black night
Millions of miles, and he reaches across the void
The trembling, fragile hope of a damaged little boy
The sun smiles her smile and dances her dance
And the moon cannot help but follow again, entranced

The sun paints her moon brightest colors of life
She offers him hope of an end to the night
She wishes to stay, but the choice is not her own
She never outruns him, just waits for him to come home
The moments are too brief, the need for each other too great
Such a beautiful love trapped in a hopelessly doomed fate
So she dances away again, promising the moon her heart
And she chokes back the tears as his world falls apart
And he follows forlornly, she lights the sky for his smile
Just biding her time until she can be his alone for a while
She offers all she can to help on his steep uphill slope
The brightest good mornings and nights to bolster his hope
She lights the world about which he must remain
Promising there will be beauty after his tears make the rain
Breaking the storms of his temper left alone
Guiding the way and promising she will always be his home
For she needs him as much as he needs her light
She needs rest and reprieve from the onslaught of night
And he reflects her love so well, so perfectly
The only recompense, and he gives so willingly
SO she paints him good morning, and bids him fondest night
And he follows his heart, and reflects her love back, just as bright

And they dance together, so unaware of it all
So caught up in the chase and the dance, the ball
Of the universe playing music so complete and so true
And the world stands in awe of the power of the two
So perfectly complimented, so complete in their way
So the moon guards the night while his sun is away
And the sun paints him tomorrow a bright hope of peace
And they dance and embrace and eclipse and release....

8:12

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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

Tomorrow

............

**NOTE**this was written about me not by me!

Hello beautiful smile, eyes so blue, clear skies of rain....

.. ..

Shaming the sun with a smile and I can breathe again....

.. ..

Good morning across fields of softest porcelain....

.. ..

Warmest breeze of life caressing my ear as the day begins....

.. ..

I get so lost in the mirrors of a tortured soul....

.. ..

This wandering misery has finally found a home....

.. ..

So afraid of tomorrow, will it promise it's real?....

.. ..

Falling so far, so fast, lost in the blur, in the wheel....

.. ..

The sky burns streaks of passion and release....

.. ..

King of my little universe, and for a moment at peace....

.. ..

Everything's so clear, and something seems right....

.. ..

Lost in a glorious morning after the coldest night....

.. ..

Hello beautiful smile, eyes so blue, clear skies of rain....

.. ..

Shaming the sun with a smile and breathing again....

.. ..

Good morning, caressing fields of softest porcelain....

.. ..

The zephyr of life teasing my ear as the day begins....

.. ..

Butterflies migrating north as the world resurrects....

.. ..

Such warmth and a charm that steals every breath....

.. ..

Losing it all in a rush, just to find I have everything....

.. ..

No more solitude for this little finally somebody....

.. ..

The sky hides behind velvet, black and obscure....

.. ..

And the air all around seems a little more pure....

.. ..

Another day gone, will tomorrow promise me....

.. ..

That it's real, that it's mine, that I may safely sleep?....

.. ..

....

.. ..

Hello beautiful smile, eyes so blue, clear of rain....

.. ..

Shaming the sun with your smile as my heart beats again....

.. ..

Good morning, my fingers across fields of softest porcelain....

.. ..

Caressing my ar with a kiss, another day gone as it begins....

.. ..

....

.. ..

Hello beautiful blue eyes as I greet the day with a smile....

.. ..

Shaming the sun as I breathe in your scent for awhile....

8:10

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[19 janv. 2010 | mardi]

The Jester and The Queen

**NOTE**this was written about me not by me!

The Jester enters the court with trip and a bow

Making a fool of himself and laughing with the crowd

Settling down on the floor, in the shadows, stage left

The Queen catches his eye in the hall, stealing his breath

A sarcastic smile and a twinkle in her eyes

Beneath the chandeliers, a thousand blazes of light

Reflections of something more playing across her face

Such a singular focus and a nameless grace

The Jester rises to his feet as they follow of their own accord

As her Majesty begs off from the ball, wandering off as if bored

Moonlight fills a courtyard where music softly plays

She dances on her own, the Jester can't help his gaze

So beautiful as she moves, flowers bow jealously

The Jester's hands clutch his chest as he struggles to breathe

A beautific smile when she closes her eyes

Swaying in time beneath a milion star's light

The breezes caressing her hair, brushing her face

Lost among the petals, flawless in her grace

The Jester gasps as she falls, crumpling to the ground

Dashing through pathways while nothing stirs all around

His breath catches, his heart stops, as he draws near

The Queen's eyes are wide and bright, brimming with tears

She laughs harder as he colors, suddenly so ashamed

Rising swiftly to her feet, she stops him as he bows away

Offering her hand with a grin, mischievous incarnate

The music gently fades back in, slow and sedate

Hand in hand, they weave through a space neither sees

Her head comes to rest on his shoulder, nearly buckling his knees

Her scent overwhelming his mind as she presses in closely

The heat intensifies as they sway to the beat

The image of perfection as he gets beyond lost in her eyes

Two alone in the brightest of star-filled nights

Reflected souls joined for a moment of perfect grace

And the Jester gets so lost in the curves of her face

As the music fades away, their feet come at last to rest

His hands trembling slightly, her breath heating his chest

The Jester closes his eyes, allowing himself to dream

Just a small place in time, he alone with his Queen

Her face greets his eyes as they open just in time

To see her steal his heart with a kiss and empty his mind

Such a sweet torture, he can find no will to refuse

He knows nothing can happen, not now, not we two

But her flesh is so soft, so warm, pressed against

HIs resolution crumbles, and he surrenders to this

Passion unseemly, the stars smile down knowingly

And the Jester takes every gift of a moment gratefully

Her lips burning into his soul as it cries out in elation

Nails biting softly into his neck, meeting no hesitation

Such a cruel game she plays, for a game it must be

No future can exist, save for a Jester and his Queen

He knows without thought, without doubt, he is hers

To know and not have, or not know, which is worse?

A dance and a kiss and his heart is no longer his own

The Queen claims dominion, his soul as her throne

She rules uncontested as his will fades away

The Jester's tongue forms protest and begs her to stay

The tempo rises swiftly, the moments far too short

All is fire and phoenix and le petit mort

Small death, the price of a love disallowed

The Queen re-enters the ball, mingling with the crowd

A beautiful smile when no one else can see

The Queen's inner light flares radiantly

She closes her eyes and see her Jester's face

And remembers the dance, the passion, the embrace

The Jester stumbles into the court and bows in haste

He hides a smile, locking eyes with the Queen, seeming chaste

She smiles her smile, the light of mischief again in her eyes

The Jester glancesup and his eyes widen in surprise

The music softly swells as the Queen commands

And she gently steadies the Jester's trembling hands

The room fades away as he gazes into clear blue pools

Shivers course his spine as she whispers in his ear, "help me rule?"

8:07

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[01 déc. 2008 | lundi]

Where exactly do they get it from
Humeur actuelle :Hurt

So this guy calls me at 3 am (wakes me up) and asks me what I'm doing the next day. I tell him I don't have anything planned. So he tells me that he'll call me in the morning and that he's going to come hang out with me. Morning rolls around...No call. I spent the day in my pjs watching movies (as planned). Finally around 6pm he calls me and asks me what I'm up to. I tell him that I'm just laying around in my pjs. Apparently he had a friend with him so he then starts telling his friend about me then tells me to send him a photo. So I tell him to call me back after he recieves the photo. I send it then continue to watch my movie. An hour later he calls me and says he never recieved the photo. He then tells me that he'll call me back when he gets into my area. At 1:40am he texts me (which wakes me up) to ask me what i'm doing. I text him back asking why. Then he promptly texts me back asking why not. I text him back saying thanks for calling me when he got to my area and thanks for yet again waking me up. He then calls me at 2:23am and ignored the call.

Call me crazy but to me.....it sounds like he's trying to make a "booty call" out of me.

This seems to always happen to me and I don't exactly get why. I don't believe I do anything to merit a guy acting this way. Every time a guy treats me like this it SERIOUSLY makes me want to not even socialize with men at all. Do they not realize how much it hurts my feelings to get treated that way? Ugh..

8:12

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[24 nov. 2008 | lundi]

Random Thought And A First For Me
Humeur actuelle :

méditatif

A random thought just popped into my head. This holiday season will be the first for me in 8 years that I won't have anyone to spend it with (relationship wise). I don't have someone I'm dating to buy Christmas gifts for. I don't have someone that will drag me to some of their family holiday events. I don't have someone to spend new years eve with. I especially don't have someone to kiss at midnight. I don't have anyone...

In a way it sounds like a nice change from previous years. But for the most part it leaves me feeling miserable and depressed.

I don't want your pity. It was just a random thought that I felt like blogging. I don't actually expect anyone to even read this.

1:41

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[11 nov. 2008 | mardi]

I remember
Humeur actuelle :

mécontent

I remember the way things used to be.
I remember the way my brothers used to get along and how they used to fight. Now the fighting is worse and their girlfriends are tearing them apart. It kills me.
I remember how my mom worked more then one job just to keep a roof over our heads and give us what she could. She is amazing.
I remember by big brother being happy. Now he just seems like he's a shell of who he used to be. It makes me sad.
I remember my father that cared more about a substance then he did about his own children.
I remember when I had friends that I spent most of my free time with.
I remember going bowling and shooting pool on the weekends.
I remember road trip and weekend trips to Europe just because I could.
I remember my grandparents treating me completely different from my older brother. As if they wanted to use him to make up for the mistakes they made with my dad.
I remember helping take care of my two younger brothers day after day instead of going out and being a kid.
I remember all the wrong I've done and mistakes I've made. But I do not regret any of them.
I remember looking at my mom and knowing when she was putting on a brave face and when she was actually happy. Now days she only looks depressed and like she's holding back tears.
I remember going to shows frequently and spending time with some of the most amazing people I've ever met.
I remember photographing concerts like it was a second job. Now it just seems meaningless and a waste of time.
I remember cooking dinner and baking because I loved it. Its just another chore now.
I remember black. It was the main color in my wardrobe.
I remember my best friend and all the amazing times and adventures we've gone on. But now he's gone and I'm alone.
I remember crying and having someone to comfort me and tell me everything will be okay.
I remember having someone to sleep next to and talk to when ever i needed to.
I remember being loved although I forget what it feels like.
I remember having goals and feeling like I had a purpose.
I remember being happy. Now I'm just empty.
I remember the way things used to be.

Someway Somehow I've lost my way.

11:04

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[02 oct. 2008 | jeudi]

That Guy

That guy
Yeah you know the guy that has his online friends list FILLED with attractive girls that he claims are "just friends". The truth is they are either the girls that he's tried to get with and they didn't fall for it but they keep him on a friend level out of amusement OR they are girls that he is currently trying to get with.
He's that guy that will talk to you all week but as soon as friday hits he's nowhere to be found until monday. He may contact you on weekends but its only because he has nothing better to do.
He's that guy that will tell you how hot you are and how interested in you he is. But when you ask him what it is he likes about you he either doesn't reply or gives you some bland line of like. Example: I like how smart you are. I like that your different from all the other girls. I like that you can take a joke and roll with the punches. I like how you look. One word for you: LAME! Had you taken the time to actually get to know me you'd have a better list of things you liked about me.
He's that guy that will tell you he'll call you and doesn't. He'll also tell you to call or text him. Its not really so he can talk to you. He just wants his phone to blow up while he's out and about so he looks like he's got some game. It makes him look important to the ladies and it makes him look like a player to his buddies.
He's that guy that will tell you "we should hang out". Us girls usually agree and say yeah we should so let me know when. Only they never do. But you have it stuck in your head that he wants to spend time with you so you actually think it will happen.
He's that guy that will make plans with you like "We'll hang out this weekend i promise". But when the weekend rolls around he comes up with all the excuses in the book as to why he can't. OR he'll just disappear until the next week when he thinks its safe to talk to you again.
He's that guy that throws around money like its nothing. Ok showoff I couldn't care less if you had all the money in the world. I have a job. I don't nor will I ever need or want your money. I work hard for my money and I'm proud of what I have.
He's that guy that obsesses about your looks. How hot you look and eventually when he thinks he has so lead way he'll get into the things he wants to do to you.
He's that guy that calls you generic terms of endearment like baby, babe, hun, honey, sweetheart, etc. Its because it makes it all less personal for him. He's making sure he doesn't get too close. And the odds are all those girls that are "just friends" he refers to with those same names. Hint: Its so he doesn't get all your names mixed up and call you by the wrong girls name.
He's that guy that gets your hopes up and tells you what he knows you want to hear. Its all for nothing. The truth is that he doesn't actually want you or want to be with you. HE JUST WANTS TO FUCK YOU! You amuse his time to make him not feel so lonely. You see its hard to feel lonely when you have a girl that your faking interest in. Its even harder to feel lonely when your doing it to multiple girls. Some girls will even be stupid enough to hook up with that guy and even sleep with him.
When that guy hits his 40s and he realizes that all his friends have gotten married and grew out of their that guy phase. He'll realize how alone he really is. Then he'll think back on all the amazing girls that he's met. Maybe it will hit him that he treated them like complete shit and fucked with their emotions (one could only hope). Maybe he'll realize that he missed out on really getting to know an amazing girl that could have been the one to solve his now loneliness. Eventually that guy will give up on being that guy and try to find someone to be with. But by then all those women that he would've treated like shit during his that guy phase and actually had a chance with are all taken and HAPPY. Without him.

If your that guy, do yourself a favor and stay FAR AWAY FROM ME. I am NOT that girl. Don't bother trying to put up the front that your not that guy. Eventually I'll figure it out and I'll be gone.

1:48

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[16 sept. 2008 | mardi]

Something I’ve noticed

If a woman is interested in seeing someone she does it. It doesn't matter how busy she is. She'll make time.

If a man is interested in seeing someone he'll tell you how interested he is in seeing you. But he most likely won't make the time to see you. However, IF he has free time he might call you up and see if you want to get together.

7:55

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[10 avr. 2007 | mardi]

Cherrytap! Online Pub

Come be my friend on cherrytap!

http://www.cherrytap.com/join.php?friend=783224

I love it on here! Its lots of fun!! I Promise!!!!!

11:42

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[16 nov. 2006 | jeudi]

New messenger
Humeur actuelle :

amusé

So today I came across this really cool messenger. Its called IMVU. I think this will be my new addiction. Its like the sims...only messenger style. You can purchase rooms and decorate them along with your avatar. You can dress up your avatar and get it a pet. And the coolest part is that when you chat with people its 3d. I'm HIGHLY amused by this thing. So if anyone is on it add me. http://avatars.imvu.com/Guest_CandaceMP

2:51

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