It's been almost five weeks now without a cigarette. I thought it would get easier as time goes on... but it doesn't. It gets harder. I still want one and sometimes think that just one won't hurt. I know better. Been here before. I'm hoping I make it through this and eventually become a non-smoker. :/ 

I'll be 50 years old this year and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. That's right... I didn't say what I want to be even though that was the question when I was little. I've been re-evaluating my life... all of the choices I've made and all of my desires that I never acted on. My work life is only one aspect of it.

I've only had several jobs in my life. I tend to stay with jobs about 10 years. I don't bounce from job to job. I can't say I regret any of my jobs. I've always enjoyed what I was doing and climbed those ladders rather quickly. My first "real" job was in an office for a chip manufacturer in Chicago. Early on I was marked as a trouble maker. I was promoted because my boss believed in the Peter Principle and thought I'd fall right into it if promoted. He was wrong. When I left that job, I was teaching the President of the company how to write, track and pay out management incentives. Go figure. My bosses refused to believe that I was really leaving and I got phone calls at home for three months... that is until I told them that if they continue to call me, I would start charging a consulting fee!

I did stay home for awhile after that job, raising my kids and quickly growing weary of being home doing nothing except redecorating my house every three months. I picked up a few things to keep my brain working. I wrote greeting cards, freelance, and sold them to Oatmeal Studios and American Greetings. I didn't want to turn that into a job though because writing is something I really enjoy doing. I'd rather keep it as a hobby and personal interest. I also started selling Avon. Did that for a couple of years but not your typical Avon Rep. I did fundraisers (selling $10k in two weeks) and worked for the District Manager for a bit until it grew old. Again they didn't believe I was leaving and tried to get me to stay. But I was done.

Still at home, I picked up another hobby... being online. That was back in the day when very few people had personal computers but I had a passion for computers. This hobby grew into a real job with AOL in Community Management. It was an awesome job. I worked from home and had all of the benefits of being a salaried manager in the office. Cream. Again I rose to the top quickly. I left that job when they closed down the division and offered to bring me inhouse but I had no interest in relocating to Virginia. I took my severence and ran.

I took about six months off then applied for my current job as a joke. After all, I couldn't see myself working Retail. They hired me the day after I applied and here I am three years later. I once again moved up the ladder quickly... and I'm not done yet. I enjoy my job and the people I work with. The economy has me a little worried right now but I don't plan on leaving there any time soon.

Then there's my personal life and the choices I've made. I should have made more friends when I was young. I have no "lifelong" friends though I do have some long-term friends... current friends that I love dearly.

My experience with men is pretty limited. When I was in school I had boyfriends but few I was serious about. There were always more waiting in the wings. My first love was in 8th grade. He was the hottest guy in the school, a basketball player and a lot of fun. My jealousy ended that relationship when I thought he was getting a little too close with a friend of mine. That friendship ended at the same time.

My second love was a guy that I met at work. I dated him for three years... went to two proms with him... Jr. and Sr. That ended when he became abusive and started hitting me. I thank him for my TMJ syndrome.

My third real boyfriend was when I was 20 years old. He was 16 years older than me and the hottest guy where we worked. He was also married and had two kids. I don't know what I was thinking but six months later, he was divorced and living with me. He was also abusive but I never left. We've been married for 25 years now and have two beautiful daughters. He's no longer abusive but he is still 16 years older than me. The only thing we've ever had in common is our daughters. We are complete opposites.

I've always been what I would call an insecure extrovert. I was raised believing that girls grow up, get married and have kids. If you wanted to work, you could be a nurse, secretary or stewardess (now called flight attendants). Either way, I knew my place. I had little to no direction from adults. My parents were divorced and I rarely saw either one of them. I had no idea how to go about going to college... how I could pay for it, how to apply for it and, the biggest thing, what to go to school for while I worked full time to pay my bills. Truth be told, I still don't have any interest in going back to school.

These may not necessarily be the chocies I have intentionally made. They are more like things that I haven fallen into. I'm not very good at making decisions for myself or even knowing what I want. So now I find myself in reflection and contemplating what to do with my entire life. So far the only answer to what I want to be when I grow up is A Woman.

Christmas is now one week away. People keep asking me if I'm ready for Christmas. Of course, that usually means have you bought everything for the people on your list? I have a lot of people on my list. My best friends ever are on the top of that list along with my girls. I've scraped the bottom of the piggy bank and sent my friends what I could feasibly afford... a Christmas card. Now, this is no big deal with my friends. They know that I'd buy them anything if I had the money. They also know I don't have the money and they are not shallow by any means. They know I love them, wish I could see them and I'm thinking of them.

Then there's my daughters. I raised a sensible one... don't know how the hell that happened. Maybe seeing me get myself into trouble all of the time made her not want to do that. She's doing her damnedest to keep me grounded here and spending a little time in reality... and she knows how I hate that place! 

My other daughter is very different... as if money grows on trees. (Gawd, I always hated that phrase). Perhaps it's going to take her getting a job and working her rear off to earn less money than she actually needs.  Let her start buying her own clothes, paying her own way when she goes out, contributing to the household a little and buying her friends gifts with her OWN money. Her take on all of this is so what if we don't have money... use a credit card! I hope her financial attitude changes before she has to learn the hard way. DON'T BE LIKE MOM!

So I asked the girls what they want for Christmas. My sensible daughter said she wants a new tire for her car. (She needs two but said she'd pay for the second one). I'm willing to buy her two. She has also told me a number of times that I don't have to get her anything if I can't afford it.

My so-what-use-credit daughter wants a laptop. Nothing else. A laptop. She's holding out for it even though I've said over and over that this isn't within reason. She says if I can't get her a laptop, she doesn't want anything.  And, there's the difference. She's not saying she doesn't want a laptop if I can't afford it. It's a ploy and she thinks I can't see through it. :::Surely if I don't tell her anything else I'd want to have, she'll HAVE to buy me the laptop. She'll cave; she always does::: She's half right. I always have but I've "caved" so many times that I can't afford to do it now. She may be coming to her senses a little because she very recently said that if she can't have a laptop, she wants piercings. @@ This kid just has to test the limits.

Truth be told, I would love to give my daughters anything they want. They're my babies but I can't. Then there's my husband. "Don't get me anything!" Well blah blah blah. There's a new story ::smirk::  Every year it's the same thing. He doesn't want anything. He doesn't need anything. If you buy him something, he'll tell you to take it back. This has gone on for at least as long as I've known him. Material possessions don't mean didly to him. BUT heaven forbid you don't have something for him on Christmas day! Then you hear Everyone in the world has a present to open on Christmas but me. That guilt trip used to work on me. The first time he used it I cried. That was a long time ago. I took the trip and didn't like it. I don't fall for it any more. So, given that I can't win either way, the best solution is to buy him something I want, then when he says he doesn't want it or need it (take it back), I'll keep it!

So, am I ready for Christmas you ask? I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be... with or without lavish gifts.

It's been a couple of weeks since I went to VA for a day. It really meant a lot to me to be there. My undying gratitude goes to Lydia. The flight was uneventful. Apparently one of the air traffic controllers' mother was on the flight and we arrived about 30 minutes early. I half expected Frank and Lydia to be there at the airport with some outrageously embarassing thing as they usually do. Didn't happen. In fact, I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. I didn't have Frank's cell phone number but after looking for them a bit, I decided to call Lydia. They were almost there.

They picked me up and took me over to Nicole's. Nicole is one of Frank's friends and made a very generous offer for me to stay at her house. Lydia was staying at Franks and Frank thought I'd be more comfortable at Nicole's than sleeping on the sofa. Personally, I didn't care. I was just happy to be there. Anyway, I went to Nicole's and she had a very nice room waiting for me and she really made me feel at home. Francis and Lydia left and said they'd be back after I get settled in. Meanwhile, Nicole told me about her plans for the baby shower Saturday and let me know that she'll be happy to have me helping blow up the balloons. WHAT? Oh my gawd, I hate balloons. But, by now I almost feel obligated since she was, after all, letting me stay there. I rather sheepishly told her that we (Francis, Lydia and I) were supposed to go to breakfast in the morning and meet a couple of friends for lunch. She was fine with that.

Lydia came back to get me and we went to Frank's house to chat for awhile. We also made a little trip to WalMart to get me some water and they had a couple of miscellaneous needs. While there, we found a little gadget that... yes, blows up balloons. I'm not talking about a helium tank, though they had that as well. I'm talking about a little hand pump. I thought, "This may work out OK." Once back at Nicole's I got in bed and crashed. (I don't generally have a problem sleeping anywhere. Ok, yes I do. The problem I have with sleeping anywhere is Lydia and her camera).

The next morning... Saturday... Baby Shower day... Francis, Lydia and I went to breakfast as planned. I went back to Nicole's and, after showing her the air pump we found, it wasn't long before I was surrounded by balloons. One popped, I screamed and threw the pump, they laughed. ::shaking my head:: Francis and Lydia came back to pick me up and head to lunch. We met up with Maria and Dooley and had a very enjoyable time. It was good to see them.  After lunch we walked around for awhile looking at the shops. Time went by quickly and, before we knew it, it was time to head back. Frank couldn't miss her own party after all.

The party went well. She had games and prizes, food and drinks and a lot of fun people. I got caught up in the pacifier game. You get a pacifier and if someone catches you saying, "I" they get to take your pacifier. The person with the most pacifiers at the end wins. Until this game, I never realized how frequently people say "I"... in almost every sentence! This was intriguing. I got very wrapped up in the game, following people that had pacifiers and not talking so that I wouldn't say "I" and lose my pacifiers. It was unbelievably difficult. I did end up with a prize but by then, I was so used to not talking that I still didn't talk.

Francis and Levi opened their gifts and Lydia snapped pictures all night long. After the party I said goodbye to Francis, goodnight to Lydia and I headed to bed. 5am was going to come early.

In the morning I got ready to leave and packed up my things (I always bring too much) and Lydia and I headed for the airport. Lydia checked her bags and I decided to check mine plane-side. As we went through security, I saw the guy looking at my stuff on the camera and he yells "bag check!" and I whispered "ah shit." This guy walks over and slaps my bag down on the counter. "Is this yours?" I said yes. He opened it up and pulled out my toiletries which were right on top in a clear plastic bag just in case this was going to happen. He opened the bag and started pulling things out. You can't take this... or this... or this...and then a lady pops in saying, or THIS! while holding out my lighter. I didn't even notice that she was rummaging through my purse. She was so damned proud of herself for finding that lighter and all I could do was laugh on the inside because she didn't find the lighter that was IN MY CIGARETTE CASE! Duh. But back to this man. He took my most expensive hair products and pitched them in the trash. He said my only other option was to go back upstairs and check my bags. I told him I didn't know you couldn't have those things in full sizes (he gave me some ounce weight number it all had to be under). He turns and snaps Well how long have you been flying? Very condescending. Anyway, I sucked it up and got on the plane... without my products. What an ass! I have always found employees at that airport to be rude and bossy.

Back home in JAX, I was greeted by a number of FRIENDLY airport employees. Nice to be home though the trip was very short. I truly enjoyed seeing my friends. There were a couple of others I would have liked to see but I was mostly glad to be there with Francis and Lydia. I'm sure I would have cried that day had I not been able to be there for Francis.

So, I'm ready for my next big adventure. This one isn't really "big" but it's going to be a big deal to me. Here's the problem... I'm too fat. So I'm thinking I'd better join a gym but even $10/month is going to kill me. I've never had to excercise before and I could always eat whatever I wanted to eat and as much as I wanted. A friend of mine says it's menopause and that the extra weight will go away again. My doctor says it's the meds... but I can't stop taking those. Well, I could but I don't want to go back to the person I was pre-meds. (One of my daughters doesn't believe in meds but I don't understand that. She doesn't want me the way I was when she was growing up although she does want me to be like that with my other daughter). ::shrug:: Oh that's another thing. I am so sick of the "you like her better/you give her everything she wants" drama. I thought they'd get over that when they got older but, no chance I guess. They don't realize how much that shit hurts me.

So back to my excercise. I think I'm going to go for it... at least on a trial basis. If it helps me (like I know it made a difference with Melissa), then I'll keep it up. Damn! I hate excercise! I thought I get enough excercise at work with all of the freaking running around I do there. Guess not. But, if it doesn't help me, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't like mirrors or photographs right now. They are NOT my friends. If I could look like I did when I started working at Home Depot, I think I'd be happy with myself. OK, mostly happy. I'm not to happy with my money situation or my spending disease. Something's gotta give.

I'm trying something interesting. I've decided to see how hungry the car dealerships are now that the gas prices are so high. I currently drive a 2004 Chevy Malibu LT Maxx with 31k miles on it. It's in good condition (except for the fucking dings on my passenger side from assholes that don't care if they slam their door into the side of your car). Still, I'd be upside down on the trade. I'm looking at SUVs and narrowed it down to a Jeep Wrangler Unlimited (which I've wanted for awhile now) or a Mazda Tribute. I emailed dealerships all the way down to Daytona with details about the vehicle I want. Naturally, I received immediate responses. They all want my business.

SO... I spelled my terms out EXACTLY to them and said that this is what I want from the deal... there will be no haggling about it. Here's my trade, here's my credit score, here's the vehicle and here's they payment I want to stay below (which is the amount I'm paying now on the Mailbu). Either they can do it or they can't. I also told them how much I'm shopping it. What I didn't tell them is that I haven't even driven these vehicles yet and I may not like one or either. ::shrug:: Since they don't know who I am because I've only communicated via e-mail, I can comfortably go take test drives.

On paper I'm swaying toward the Mazda. It gets better gas mileage, almost everything is standard and it's a couple thousand cheaper than the Jeep. The only problem is that I really like the Jeep because I think it's so dann cool that you can drive around with no roof and no doors whenever you want.

I'm getting e-mail back saying they believe they can work within my terms. They just need to see my trade. I figure I have nothing to lose. I'm not unhappy with my car but if I can get a new SUV for the same payment or less, I think I'd do it!

Stay tuned.  :)

I'm starting to get a little nervous. On Friday I go for my Retail Management Assessment tests and interview for Assistant Store Manager. Up until now I've been doing pretty well. I've spent time with my ASM going over interview questions, financials, reports, etc. He thinks I'll be fine and do well. I will be fine if I don't panic and go brain dead Friday. I've had a lot of help from a lot of people making sure I'm in front of the right people and know my stuff. I'm still going to spend my day off studying. Tomorrow I'm going to a financial prep class for the RMA. It was very nice of one of the store managers to offer to do this. I'm always up for any help I can get.

I shouldn't be nervous at all. I have 20 years of management experience. My prior job was Sr. Program Manager for America Online and I did just fine all the way up the ladder. Well I'm on that damn ladder again and I'm afraid of heights! Anyway, even if I do well, it may be some time before a position opens up... or it could happen right away. Either way, I get my results and feedback within two weeks of the RMA. That'll be another long two weeks.

Wish me luck! I'm goin' in.  :D