I used to be more of a poet.

In the darkness I look up in the sky across an empty field in the country and star at the stars.  I feel small.  One person is tiny in the vastness of the universe.  It makes you think…why are we here, what is the purpose of being alive?  To experience, to die, to love, to feel?  How is one person significant and others insignificant? I look at my daughter and just stare at her.  Who are you going to be?  How can I teach you to be a good person?  How can I teach you to have thick skin, and keep your feet firmly planted in the ground yet still be full of fantasy and dream?  My little brother plays his electric guitar in the background…as I write.  It’s a blessing taking a break and spending time with my family.  They don’t know me as Danger…only Monica.  This connection with Ray J is really almost over…the past will be in the past and by January…it will be done.  I contemplate my next move like a chess move.  I have to think very carefully over what I will do next.  My birthday is coming up on the 27th of this month; I will be 23 years old.  My first art exhibition is on November 28th in San Diego.  I have exhibited my photography before, but never my art.  I am excited.  My days are filled with comforting, feeding, and changing my newborn and as she rests I paint.

I paint the world I see when my eyes are closed.  I paint skies and depths filled with color, fantasy, and figures with pain and strength in their eyes.  I paint truth and deception.

What would you paint?

 

Man I have been quiet for soooo long and not writing from my heart, so now that I have begun to write..the words are just pouring out of me.  I have sooooo much to say.  I am very excited for my cameo on the Ray j’s “looking for love” second season.  I made an appearance in my eighth month of pregnancy!  I had such a hard time being pregnant.  I was so fat and I couldn’t sleep at all.  It was uncomfortable and heavy to walk around, and everywhere I went someone would recognize me, and I wasn’t feeling pretty at all.  I was in deep hiding, and barely left the house.  At the show’s heightened popularity I tried to keep my pregnancy a secret for as long as possible.  My belly grew, the show’s popularity grew, and there was no hiding the media attention of the initial rumor coming out.  I was nervous because here I am wanting to be an actress and be taken seriously, on a reality show looking for love with a celebrity.  It is a double edged sword.  I went from being unknown to being widely known for all the wrong reasons… My dream to be an actress and the reality being now I will be known as a reality “star”. 

Now, after giving birth which was a two day ordeal and major surgery (c-section) I am left with….so now what am I going to do with my life?  Child birth is very close to death.  Many people have their own images and thoughts when it comes to me and these for “love” shows seem very fake to me.  I think whoever saw Season 1 would know that my feelings and emotions were real even though the editing made me look crazy.  I guess I am a little crazy though. Season 2 should be very interesting and I wonder where this will leave us? The reality of my situation is I am left to seek out my next television project.  I want to keep the momentum going.  I have a great idea that has come to me from some very close friends and I do not want to disappoint the people reading this blog, looking for what I am going to do next.  I will keep you updated with what I am doing now. 

A friend of my mother’s, she is an eighth grade teacher here in the bay area, asked her to see if I would come and speak to a group that she works with.  This group is for women who need to gain the courage to survive, women with AIDS, women who are battling drug addiction, and women who have endured the hardships of life.  I asked my mother, why would she want me to speak?? What could I possibly say to them to inspire them or instill hope?? I am just a bay area girl on a silly reality show.  I was encouraged that I am strong and would instill strength and endurance through times of hardship.  So I am trying to wrap my mind around the words I will say to these women.  I hope I can help them.  Someone left a comment on my earlier blog asking me why I chose to do a reality show in the first place, wanting to be a business woman or a serious actress, why didn’t I use another avenue to do so.  My response to that is: There are not any opportunities out there to get mainstream exposure for many women of color out there.  I just so happened to really fall in love and get my heart ripped out in the process for your entertainment.  It just kind of worked out that way.  If I didn’t do that show you probably would not be reading this right now, so I guess I did something right! Good night my loves….more will come tomorrow!

 

I was afraid to write for so long.  Worldwide judgment is hard to deal with no matter how confident you think you are.  I was always the girl that did her own thing, a little bit of a loner; even though I knew everyone and they knew me I wouldn’t be close with just anyone.  It’s hard to let people in your life when people generally disappoint you. 

I am in the process of working on a memoir.  Even though I am only 22 years old I feel that I have lived ten lives.  I have so much to say, but these words are hard to write.  Re-living painful situations bring you back to that place of torment and depression.  I am very happy right now and I am loving life, so writing about my past experiences is extremely difficult.  One thing that I did notice is that every time I fall in love…my life falls apart.  In part I think it’s who I choose to fall in love with, but it never fails.  I love hard.  I give myself completely and focus all my energy on making that person happy.  So now in noticing that weakness of mine, I have come to the conclusion that I need to not fall in love until I am ready. I also have to be extremely careful, especially now, on whom I decide to give my heart to. 

Blog question: How do you fall in love with out pain? Is it possible?