Music in the 90's and 60's was different from lets say the 80's and now as far as I can see because of it's philosophy. Half insane people wondering why life is happening and not just talent pushed the music in directions that may not have made people think the way the composers sought but at least gave us great inspired music.

I guess it makes me a little sad we've lost so many great and talented artists to thier own deep thoughts and depression. I understand the exact reasons are drinking and drugs but that was their escape.

I'm not saying the musicians of today aren't talented. I'm simply saying they seem stuck rehashing old idea's, over and over. How many times can you cry because the girl or guy you loved doesn't love you anymore. Find another insperation and stop boring me please.

I was almost too lazy to even write this. Can someone please sell me some anti lazy cream please.

Tell me what you think I want this to create more discussion.

lata,

Dj

I want to make a radio show, I want to name it "Better than dead air: The only show that asks if it's living up to it's own title. Which I assure you it won't.

I don't have a full to do list on how to go about this but I think I'm gonna start reading into it and write here for myself to be able to reread and step forward on the process. It's time.

I'm dead tired and need sleep. Thats it for now.

 

Lata

 

Dj

Okay so my last entry was about the morning of the 4th only and not how kickass the night before was. Or how when me an Gina got down to P-town there was way more kickass to be had.

July 3rd: 5:00 PM Plymouth, MA.

Got to Steves house after sitting in traffic for almost 2 hours because we worked in Cambridge. Not gonna lie I was a little upset I didn't get paid for the ride home. Okay. Now I'm over it again. Grabbed a beer out of the fridge Steve ran around cleaning the house 'cause he's a neat freak sometimes. Good man. Wish I was more like that. I messed up the bed twice once for leaning on it to take my socks off so i could take a quick shower and once for putting my socks on the bed. That happend at beer number 2.

Grabbed a 3rd beer to take a shower with. I love shower beers they taste better for some reason. I get out of the shower and as people should know I'm already drunk. Steve says c'mon before they close down the roads and we can't get to my moms house. Thats fair.

We get to his moms house light crap ass fireworks I drink more beer and ate way too much food.

Went to the beach. HOLY SHIT!!! I'm gonna say somewhere around 30,000 people setting of fireworks. Not the shit ass ones like sparklers and snakes. Oh no! Big booms. I sat about 15 feet away froma $3000 dollar display. I was in heaven. Not to mention the 2 story bon fires every 300 yards or so for as far as you could see. Absolutly loony.

I wander'd up and down the beach alone as usual for me. Met random people got random beers made about 6 friends that night that I'll never know the names of. What a great start to a holiday weekend. Oh yea when i went back to Steves family they were gone. But i did find one of Steves friends. We walked a bit towards what we thought would be the right way, me with no shoes and him with sneakers on.

After I asked a guy how to get to the street i knew that night because steve said but forget now. He said two roads down take a left and the next street would be that one. At that point steves friend decided to sprint. I decided that I'm way to competitive to ever be beaten at anything sprint catch up and pass his ass. He promptly goes into a bush to puke. HA! Steve calls me while this is happening I tell steve about him puking in a bush as i make it to the top of the street. There were cops posted at the top of every street to make them closed to traffic. So I stood in front of this cop wasted and said one line to steve. What is your address. Steve promtly asks where I am... I stop sigh loudly because I'm in front of a cop and say Steven please just give me your address to which he says wait I'll be right there and hangs up. I look at the cop and he at me, i shrug and say he's an idiot and begin walking away. The cop shrugs says it sounds like it. Since I had no iformation I walked left. he sprinted in from the right just in time to find his friend who was just now making it to the top of the street having being down puking in a bush.

They find me as a gaggle of teenage girls with refreshments they are not supposed to have are asking me where the beach is... I tell them to just go the way i came and take your first right. My only thought at the moment was gee do you think he'll even care.

Went back to Steves moms house. Passed out in the living room. Bad news for the poor can of shaving cream that ended up on my face and crotch. Not to mention steve waking me up to shove a clove of garlic with hot sauce in my mouth. Yummy.

After watching most of the latest Harry Potter by myself me an steve take off. I drive home at 3:30 in the morning still kinda drunk but mostly tired.

July 4th 9:30 AM Avon, Ma.

PHONE CALL!!! WTF!!! I pick up the phone and open and before i could say hello josh screams 'mornin sunshine! Bleh, i ask are you already at the UMASS T stop? He says "No!" Me and michelle and getting ready to go! My only thought is that he is way too excited for my good. I tell him to promptly fuck off and let me sleep until he is and hang up.

[Insert last blog here]

[Insert tommorows blog here]

 

Dj

I'm now heading to the cape after clusterfucking my way through the day. I really feel the flow of this weekend is supposed to be me going to the Brockton fair, cheesy I know, but anyway the fair tonight and to a 2 year olds birthday party tommorow. Thats what I feel was supposed to happen.

I'm heading to The cape with Gina in about 10 minutes. Josh dropped me off in middleboro. After I told him I wasn't going at all, got an email while I was on the phone with Gina. Called Josh back he was almost on rt 3. He turned around picked me up we went to Brockton so I could get some things. Toothbrush and deoderant. Mostly. While he was heading back to the house I called Gina back. She was in middleboro. So josh just picked me up ran me around so that I could just come back to holbrook. He's pissed at me right now and for good reason. I'm a girl and can't make a decision. Thats the flow part. If I had just listen'd to me for a minute I woulda ditched josh for the weekend gone and saw crap ass fireworks and a demolition durby. Anyone that could possibly remember or find it I wrote a blog on this like 4 years ago. I haven't seen a demolition durbyb since I ws about 18. Thts just not the flow.

Gina says we need to go. I have more flow issues I guess i won't get to today.

 

Happy 4th everyone!

 

Dj

I'm going on day 4 without an MP3 player. It's not exactly as hard as it used to be without music at all times but I'm starting to feel the need. I'm sitting at the computer listening to a couple songs I want to hear and not doing anything simply because i can't bring the music with me.

I wouldn't expect anyone to really care but it has takin me almost 11 years to be able to listen to Dave Mathews Band again. Too many memories in my teenage years are tied to this band and i guess it took me this long to be over it mostly. I still can't listen to Satalite and a couple other but the fun ones like ants marching, so much to say and Too much and officially back in my book.

So back to my mp3 player dilema. I've not bought a cd since No Doubt Tragic Kingdom in 1997. I found I could download songs from FTP sites and then Napster happend. What that meant for me is a savings of thousands of dollars and more to spend on concerts of the bands whos songs I liked.

My First Mp3 player was an archos and it took 4 AA batteries. it still works. The screen doesn't so much though. I bought that in maybe 99 or 2000. The second one i bought was at about 2005ish, about a year and a half before the ipod movie player was introduced. Mine was able to play movies before the Ipod was even introduced. I've always been a little proud that I had an Mp3 player like 5 years before people even knew what Mp3's were

Well anyway my second Mp3 player still works when it wants to but mostly all the buttons are messed up. My up button now plays the song my stop button goes to a menu and i think you get that my button diagram somehow is a total mess. Not to mention when it feels like it it will tell me my battery is low. i know it isn't but it demands that it is and won't start. then other times it'll say check HDD. I guess thats when I gave up. After i took it apart cleaned it out it worked for a day and acted up again. I guess I now have to do some Mp3 homework soon and get me a nice new one.

Priorities are keeping me from running out the door and getting one tonight. Although i want nothing else in the entire world. I think my Mp3 player could be compared to a dog. It always loves me and I love having it around. The one day you realize it just can't go on. So you ahve to put it down. It's always hard saying goodbye.

Dj

Oh no, totally don't take it as a judgement that you shouldn't've had a child at any age. I'm only speaking of myself and how I know I wouldn't've been ready at all and I would have question'd everything in my life simply because of how I was raised and how my parents viewed life and treated me because I was born.

I know for an absolute fact that I ruined both of my parents lives. Thats beyond fact don't worry about it I'm over it. But if I were to bring a child into this world before I could go out and see for myself that the entire world didn't suck as much as my childhood I would still be questioning everything today as apposed to being able to think how I do now. Which is in fact that maybe just maybe I feel whole enough to be able to think that I can have a child and think that I might be the greatest dad ever. Which I've been waiting for since I was about 4 and a half to be able to think.

This is not to say other peoples experiences growing up and how they percieve thier world would invalidate them as a parent. I've always thought I would suck as one because of how I was raised. Until now. That is. It's kind of a hey I think I have done okay so far kind of blog and I think I'm officially ready for anything a kid can throw at me, even though I don't know everything it can throw at me, I feel I am at least to the point that might be an acceptable parent.

This reply also goes to Jen C. I have nothing but the utmost respect and always have to any parent that truly loves thier children. It's an amazing adventure to have a child and I've always just wanted to make sure I had one on my terms so I couldn't possibly be as bad a parent as mine were. I'm not claiming I'd even be good. Just that I'm good enough to not be as bad as them.

My uncle told me some stories about how my dad treated me that I forgot about but now that he said i can understand a great deal more about my overall self esteem issue. I know I was taught my whole life I was less than the piece of shit that was stepped on and wiped off from the bottom of my fathers' shoe. Hearing stories about how I was treated that even I chose to forget almost had me in tears tonight. I remember some fucked up shit. I'm trying my hardest to say this in question form. HOW COULD I EVER FORGET THE SHIT I WAS TOLD TONIGHT!? Why couldn't I remember. Scarily I still don't remember even though I understand it was totally in my mom and dads nature to do these I'm going to say inhumane things. It scares me just what kind of hell I really lived through that I don't remember.

It has been very important to me and I've blogged it a couple times to not make any of the same mistakes my parents made. To not even put myself in any situation that might make me think in any parallel to how my parents treated me. I can promise the entire world I will not make those mistakes. I will not treat my child in any way the same I was treated. I feel that's why I've done everything in my life. A master plan if you will. Travelling, partying, sleeping till noon and, not having a job for a while. So that children of my own will be the center and not the toilet of my life.

P.S. I have a couple exclusivly online friends. I think it's funny we don't see each other in real life anymore but still stay in touch through myspace. Makes me happy you still care about me in some way. Julie I think when Josh gets back from arizona... new mexico... where ever he is now we should hang out.

Also I should really meet Jen C's little 'en too. We used to live next door to eachother and literally yell out our windows at eachother. I told her we'd be talkin about it in ten years as an awsome memory.

Dj

I feel like I've done good with my life. I promised myself no kids till I'm ready. I can officially say I did it. My mom and dad had me when they were 19 and 23 respectivly. I don't know about any other people out there and I'm not judging but at 19 I was out every night of the week partying. Working all day and back drinkin till dawn. Having a child at that age would have been absolutly been rediculous. No way in hell would i have been ready for that kind of responsability. They weren't and I ended up living with my grandparents most of my life and when i finally moved in with my mom at 14 My friends Rick and Bob were my family. Still love 'em both.

They both felt like they missed out on life niether ever did anything with themselves hell my mom still sleeps on the couch day after day and doesn;t have a job. She never got over the fact that she had to grow up before she wanted to.

I decided at a young age I wouldn't get caught up in any of the pit falls they found. I wanted a happy fun life. I wanted to be in control of where i went and how I turned out. Now that I'm so close to actually having something tangable like a liscence to do electrical I can look back and say hey I did it.

I mean i haven't yet but I know that I won't celebrate when it happens I'll do what i always do when i do something I'm supposed to do. I'll shrug and accept it with little fanfare. I hate ceremonies.

I guess i don't really want to say anything contructive really just reflect a little from where I came from since tonight and over the past month there have been a lot of children around me for whatever reason. I'm finding I want to be up to the task. I want a family. I want to have a kid ask me any question and be able to answer it. I want my kid to grow up to be anything he or she wants to be with no presure to be anything great. just happy with themselves.

Make good choices. I guess it took me about 27 years to figure out all you need to do is make good decisions and another year to figure out that it's actually the secret to a happy life. I've been following the concept all my life but I was blind to that fact that this is what I was following. having the tool in hand to know what I'm supposed to do helps a lot.

I just spent a while reading old blogs. Kinda cool seeing how i was feeling back then. How my thoughts have become refined. I can say they haven't changed much I'm just using less words to describe what I'm thinking. I think.

Yea this book is written. I'm done loving my life for one night and am gonna go to sleep. Taking situ to church in the mornin.

 

Dj

Twice. I wrote the whole blog three times. I give up. You all got a shitty blog 'cause this computer just won't help me out. I apologize and will try again tommorow.

There a lovly bit about an old lady in walmart, me running with almost no shirt on and only socks though walmart. my keys in the parking lot. changing from pants to shorts in the parking lot and singing a whole new world most of the day in work. I'm the me I remember in all my memories today. It's been a while, but for tonight you get the 30 second teaser even though I've been writing for 2 hours trying to get the damn thing out. I'm gonna shrug and fall asleep.

It's actually 11:57, 9:51 is when i tried the original time. ACK!

 

Dj

I know i should just wait. Maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are. It's been 4 days since I felt the change. I guess I could attack this in so many ways but I feel the best way is to let it die. I sent a letter of intent I think I made her understand and I feel like maybe it's enough.

I am usually really good at not commiting to someone when I meet 'em I either feel insignifigant compared to them. They are too something. Driven, pretty, smart. You name it I can find it. On the other hand I then go out with someone that I feel okay around and find that they are not what I want in a signifigant other. Something just feels wrong about 'em.

This time. I lose. The more time I spent with her the more time I wanted to. The more I spoke with her the more I wanted to. She couldn't bore me she couldn't piss me off. She was everything I wanted. Now lets just hold up a minute. I understand I didn't hang around with her as much as people would think is enough to see the little things but as my closest friends will say I'm the most judgmental bastard you'll ever meet. 

I think what I'm asking for is pretty simple. Love me for who I am. Be a great mom. Thats the sticking point most often. I catch a sniff of a girl being impatient with kids and its the biggest turn off. In return, guess what my biggest turn on is. Sadly enough.

I am under preasure writing this knowing she might read this and i hate that. This is the place where I complain about life love lonliness and any other negative or possitive things that happen in my life. She's on myspace and so now I feel the need to instead delete this. It becomes a note to her. This is fucked so now I have to just have the balls to let her read my inner thoughts. Bleh. Not cool.

As a part of letting go of whatever feelings I have I send 'em out and let people say whatever they need to in public of me. I don't expect anyone to read it, but it aslo helps me to let go knowing that there is no corner of who I am that is holding back. I guess lying. This helps me stay true to who I am. So I guess I'll post it.

 

I know me. It's what I do. There is one feeling above all else that is so absurd. It is I feel my only emotional weekness that I really bend to. I can talk my way through any emotion. No matter how much I care. Except feeling lonly. It only happens once in a while when I'm reminded of what I can feel. The emotional connection of love.

I let anyone be as close as they want to be to me. I hide nothing. Funny thing is the easiest way to hide anything is right out in the open. By giving other the choice I take the the need for myself to really put effort into relationships simply because there are 4 hugely negitive impacts any relationship has.

The closer you become with them the more of yourself you lose in them, you become one entity. I know it's sweet someone knowing whats right or wrong with you before you even think it yourself, someone in tune with who you are to the point that its scary and they love you all the more for it, true love/ obsession. Not saying I wouldn't enjoy a little of that myself, but that leads to the other two small setbacks.

You start to not only accept thier negitive influence on you but you bend and break to it. You compromise a little bit of who you are to be that close. Again I guess to some that is just a piece of what you have and I should just focus on the positive aspects of the relation.

The biggest one to me is having that other person be there to pick you up when you need them to be there for you. That's the one that is seriously unbearable to me. I've never had a relationship where I could depend on somone in that way. Never not once. If I have a problem theres no understanding only more stress and uncertainty from who I'm with. How does getting just as upset as me about what I'm upset about help the damn situation? So just once I'd love for someone I am interested in show me they can help me through a tuff situation. This is the one that stings me the most and scares me.

Now finally and quite possibly the sadest one is ofcourse death. Chances are two people who love each other won't both pass on at exactly the same time leaving one to feel abandon'd and empty. 

I watched it with my grandparents. My grandmother died and my grandfather, whether he was still breathing walking and talking was certainly not the man I knew before she died and he admitted it to me a couple of times that he just didn't feel the same. Every morning noon and night. Nothing felt right anymore. He lived for 4 years after she died. From what was most likely a broken heart became a self fullfilling prophecy. A heart attack.

Now the only reason I'm writing this is because in the last couple of weeks I've had the excitment for a brief flash of being around a girl, if only for a moment, makes me want to drop everything I hold near and dear to me about how much love sucks to throw my hands up and try my damndest to persue her.

Because it's all the great moments in between the moments that are supposed to count.

Still sadly torn

 

Dj