1. I like to eat tortilla chips and cheese dip when watching horror movies.
2. The worst thing a girl can do is modify her privacy settings on Paltalk, forget she did it, leave Paltalk open when leaving the house, and returning to her computer. I'm completely and utterly traumatized, and I need a rape shower.
3. Life would be so much easier if I was a stripper or a whore.
4. I would totally have a baby with Eric Roberts just for shits and giggles.
5. I would rather blow David Blaine and do manual labor than deal with car salesmen.
6. Popcorn tastes really, really, really good when you're drunk.
7. I want a ShamWow for Christmas. Just to play with. It's magical and fascinating especially at 3am.
8. Sugar Bear chewed up one of my Coach bags, and I cried for 15 minutes. I am an ass.
9. Never kiss a guy while wearing lip plumping lip gloss. Apparently, those aren't screams of pleasure, and "it feels like wasps with giant hypodermic needles wearing golf shoes are going apeshit on my fucking lips". Whatever, pussy.
10. Some people need to have the obvious pointed out to them…



Really, Erik Estrada? Srsly.

I'm convinced Sephora is going to be the end of me. With its emails dangling the new lip gloss and fragrance collections in front of me like one of those spiral things that hypnotists use to make me click on the link and make me purchase pretty things. Damn you, you temptress! And of course I go and make my wish list for the next Sephora spree. Here's what I'm really sweatin' now and will probably end up buying soon:

1. Fragrances. I'll start with these because I obviously don't have enough of them...



Right.

Tom Ford Black Orchid - The custom grown (and über rare) TOM FORD Black Orchid is the show-stopping note in this incredibly luxurious scent. While sultry woods and rich fruit accords help to bring out the skin's natural perfume, the jet-black, art-deco inspired bottle adds to the fragrances overall glamour. Notes include Bergamot, Citrus, Mandarin, Black Gardenia, Jasmine, Ylang-Ylang, Lotus Wood, Orchid, Spicy Floral Accord, Orchid (Tom Ford Black Accord), Patchouli, Sandalwood, Incense, Vanilla.



I received a sample with my last Sephora order, and I loved it. It was way too heavy for summer, so I didn't buy it then, but I think it will be an awesome addition to the collection for fall/winter. I really didn't think I would like it since I'm not a patchouli girl, and I'm not really into woodsy scents, but there was enough spice and vanilla in it to tone down these and make it really yummy. Just don't apply a lot.

Fresh - Strawberry Flowers



Strawberry Flowers Eau de Parfum is a sparkling, fruity floral laced with rich, earthy scents. Addictive top notes of sophisticated citruses, like mandarin and yuzu, envelope middle notes of transparent white floral and fresh mountain strawberries. These dreamy notes are anchored with the dry base notes of delicate woods and musk, giving the fragrance an invigorating and velvety finish. This limited-edition scent was created exclusively for Sephora by Fresh co-founder and fragrance expert, Lev Glazman. Notes include Mandarin, Yuzu, White peach, Mountain Strawberries, Freesia, Orange Blossom, Osmanthus, Orris, Musk, White woods.

I definitely have to have this one. I love all of Fresh's products. Lemon Sugar is one of my most favorite perfumes ever and Strawberry Flowers is sure to be just as awesome. Orange blossom + strawberries + peach? I think I'll superglue my wrist to my nose forever. If heaven has a smell, I imagine it would be this. I can't wait to get this one.

Sarah Jessica Parker - Covet Pure Bloom



Sarah Jessica Parker Covet Pure Bloom: the extraordinary fragrant jewel that is Covet, trapped in a humid cloud of lush, exotic, and hypnotic flowers. Radiant top notes of purple plum, mandarin, and coconut water flood the senses. Blooming floral heart notes of tuberose and jasmine release a pure, sweet perfume, and the precious flower to Covet is the royal Indonesian pikake—it's pure paradise and rare sensuality in bloom. Sensuous base notes of glowing amber, creamy musks, and warm sandalwood ripple in waves of soft seduction. Notes include Purple Plum, Mandarin, Coconut Water, Tuberose, Royal Indonesian Pikake, Jasmine, Amber, Creamy Musks, Sandalwood, Orris

Well, I have to have this because it has 2 of my favorite notes, plum and tuberose, in it. I'm curious to see if they will smell OK together. This is one I'll definitely have to try before I buy, but I'm sure it will be amazing. I really dig SJP's others (Lovely and original Covet), so I'm sure this will be a smash too.

2. Foundation, Powder & Concealer

First, let me say that I'm thrilled to see the Yves Saint Laurent cosmetic line at Sephora now! I've been meaning to try the Touche Eclat concealer for years now, but it's really hard to find in Arkansas, and I keep forgetting to search for it online.



Touche Eclat is a luminizing pen that brings light and radiance to the skin, immediately erases any signs of fatigue, and brightens the complexion. According to the product description, it "banishes shadows and tired-looking eyes by adding light and creating an instant lift to the eye area. Touche Eclat widens eyes when used between the eyebrows and along the sides of the nose, and creates fuller looking lips when used in the hollow of the chin and around the contour of the lips. It's formulated for all skin types and for anyone who wants instant radiance, luminosity, and lift."

For me, undereye concealer is a must as I tend to get dark circles from lack of sleep and I've noticed some fine lines around my eyes because I'm not getting any younger. I can't believe I'm almost 30. Right now, I'm using either Lorac or MAC concealer which work great, but from what I've read over the years, YSL Touche Eclat is the fucking Holy Grail of concealers, so I need to try this one.

Kevyn Aucoin - The Celestial Powder



According to Sephora, Kevyn Aucoin The Celestial Powder acts like candlelight, placing exquisitely innocent highlights on the face for a youthful, radiant glow. Dust this product on the skin to capture soft light. Never glittery, this powder enhances the skin and diminishes the appearance of lines and imperfections.

I've been a fan of Guerlain Meteorites powder



for a while which claims pretty much the same thing. But this one looks like it gives more coverage. And Kevyn Aucoin was a master with foundation and contouring, so I'm curious to see what his products are like.

Stila - Convertible Color



I love this lipstick and blush-in-one. It reminds me of my grandmother who grew up really poor and used her lipstick as both blush and lip color (blend well, ladies, or you'll look like a clown). It's a creamy, sheer tint that adds an inherent glow to the cheeks while lips bloom with fresh, radiant color. I have Lillium which is a dusty rose-ish color that I wear all the time. I think I want Gerbera next, which is a bright pink. I primarily use it as a cream blush only because I wear lip gloss, and matte lip color makes my lips look smaller and thinner, which I don't need. And this stuff lasts forever because you need very little of it to add color to the cheeks. I totally recommend Convertible Color.

3. Eyes

I love Stila shadows! They have just enough shimmer, never glittery, and go on very smoothly and evenly. And they're soft and feathery, never chalky. I think my next purchase is Stila Eyeshadow Trio in Bronze Glow:



I have blue eyes, so bronze eyeshadow is the best color for me. The colors in this compact are rose, gold bronze, and ivory. So beautiful.

Guerlain - Divinora Mascara



I want to try this in Noir Etincelle (rich black). It has a specially designed brush for maxium length and volume. And it's Guerlain, so you know it's very high quality. And I love the gold tube. Very chic.

4. Lip Gloss

If you asked me what my favorite lip gloss is, I would have to say Dior.



I've tried Jersey Pink 157,



DiorKiss in Fizzy Lemonade, a shimmery champagne beige,



and I want to try Red Stockings 757, a shimmering true-red



How gorgeous are these? They look amazing on & taste really good too.

5. Bath & Body

Skin Milk is my latest lotion/bodywash obsession



I found Skin Milk at Kroger's of all places, but I found that it moisturizes very well and has a very light vanilla scent. I never get sick of it. It's similar to Bliss's Vanilla Bergamot body butter



only not as strong and absorbs into the skin a little more quickly than the Bliss body cream. It's the best drugstore product I've discovered in a while.

Laura Mercier - Almond Coconut Bath Collection & Clementine Bath Collection




Laura Mercier is known more for her cosmetic line (especially her Secret Camouflage concealer which is a favorite among celebrity make up artists, however, I hated it. It's too orange-y and the consistency is way too thick and dry) than her bath collection. But I'd really like to try these because they sound like they smell amazing. I love anything with almond in it, especiall when mixed with coconut. And I fell in love with the clementine scent when I bought the C.O. Bigelow moisturizer at Bath and Body Works. It's nice and citrusy. <3 it.

So these are my beauty lemmings that I have to try out soon. I'll make sure to give plenty of product reviews and my opinions as soon as I try them. Kisses <333!

My best friend Robyn texted me this morning about a dream she had of me, and I can't stop thinking about it. Robyn is one of those people who dreams things that end up coming to fruition, so I'm crossing my fingers that this one does also. She said she woke up laughing after she dreamt she saw me frolicking (llz, I <3 that word) on the beach in my stilettos walking hand in hand with an unidentified man (Ooooh, a mystery man! I like this). Robyn looked up the meaning of the dream online for me, and it means good things will be coming for me. And I SO think it will because
1. I would totally wear my heels to the beach because I'm practical like that and enjoy sensible shoes.

2. I enjoy long walks on the beach and good conversation
3. I'm a huge advocate of hand holding
4. I'm a Pisces and I love the beach
5. I haven't had a real date in months, and it would be nice.
Up until about a month ago, I considered myself a happy person. Well, I used to be happy which I knew for sure. Now, I find myself kind of depressed most days. I don't know what happened – maybe I'm disappointed in myself as I haven't made some wise decisions lately. I've done several things out of character especially in the last few weeks, but I'm not going to get into what they are. I think I'd rather keep them to myself because it would be useless to even air them out. Is it karma? I doubt it. I don't think I even believe in that anymore. It doesn't work. I was good for years with almost nothing to show for it. Assholes get ahead in life. And karma in itself seems grandiose. There's hundreds of billions of galaxies in the universe, and Something is keeping tabs on whether I deserve anything (good or bad) based on whether I called someone a retard



or bought my friend a Sno-Cone?



I would like to think I'm that important, but I am nothing but a fleck of dust bound to be forgotten in 80 years in the grand scheme of things. Aren't we all? If karma does exist, I hate it for being petty.

I think I realized what a huge failure in life I have become when I was trying to sing that Garbage song, "Stupid Girl", and I couldn't finish singing it because I felt it was hitting too close to home, and I got scared. And what's worse? Me listening to corporate rock from 1998 or the fact that I think Shirley Manson



is calling me out as an entitled brat. I feel like a middle aged man having a mid-life crisis at 27. I should be dating a cute but naïve secretary with daddy issues and sip on a Tom Collins in a snappy sweater vest while counting down the days until my wispy combover will no longer cover my shiny bald spot.

+ + = I WILL FUCKING OFF MYSELF!

Y'all kill me if I buy a Miata. Promise me plz.




I think I'm a nice, generous person most of the time, but then I have these days where I feel like a shallow, selfish hack. Do I even deserve good things like feeling my 4-inch heels sink into the sand or hold hands and talk about dumb stuff like how delicious Gummi Bears are or my plan to unite the people of the world around our common hatred of Rachel Ray




and scrunchies?



Or how I want to join Operation Immortality and join the other crazies and shoot my digitized DNA into space next month in case the world implodes and aliens accidentally comes across this data (I think they will be impressed with my natural charisma, dazzling smile, great hair, and unique talent of making fun of celebrities and wishing death upon them)? That would be amazing.

I need to just pack my shit and start a new life. There's too many bad memories and people here. Maybe I should move somewhere near a beach…sorry I'm rambling again.

Charts and graphs are some of my favorite things ever. If you don't like charts and graphs, you're an asshole, and I don't think we can be friends. You're dead to me. The chart below is a update showing what runs through my mind on a daily basis and what percentage of the day I'm thinking about said topic:





Jesus is love, motherfuckers, but he hates things that were created by The Prince of Darkness as these things are:





If you listened to The Wax Fantastic Show on Friday (www.waxfantastic.com), you know Eddie went off on how chicks would do stupid stuff if they were invisible, and men are just awesome with thier superpowers (blah, blah, whatever). I feel my list has a little bit of both. It's pretty wonderful:



Feel free to construct your own charts and graphs and post them so I can mock them condescendingly. Love you pumpkins <3!

So...I was watching one of my favorite movies, "Out of Sight", the one with Clooney & J.Lo. It's not only a cool, original story with amazing cinematography and direction, but it has, in my opinion, the absolute hottest scene ever put on film:



That is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. It's a typical Steven Soderbergh movie with the freeze framing, the amazing lighting and music, the out of sequence frames all which created this amazingly hot love scene. It's so intimate and intense, but there's no nudity or graphic sex. It's two people who aren't supposed to be together (she's an FBI agent and he's a prison escapee for fuck's sake), but the attraction is so incredibly strong that you know it's going to happen...and it's going to be fuckin' awesome! I like the flirtatious convo with all the eye contact, but the best is the small gestures the characters make. Like the brush of the thigh, Jack taking the drink from Karen to hold her hand, the slow dance, and then the first kiss which seems to take forever and is made even sexier with the freeze frame effect and Jack and Karen silhouetted. By this time they're full on making out, I've been holding my breath for like 5 minutes. It's so intense! My favorite of all time.

Now, the trunk scene from "Out of Sight" is pretty good. However, it doesn't hold a candle to the bar scene. And Jack seems to have an affinity for Karen's thigh, and I can't blame him. He's always touching her! But I like the uncomfortable closeness in this scene. The too long stares Jack does. And how Karen so obviously wants him too, but can't show it. Again, INTENSE!


Another one of my favorites is "Unfaithful" with the incredibly talented Diane Lane, Olivier Martinez, & Richard Gere. This movie is about a bored, wealthy housewife who begins an affair with an exotic book store owner, Olivier Martinez. Eventually, her husband played by Richard Gere finds out which begins a series of tragic events ending in death and lies. The sex scenes in this movie aren't AT ALL subtle especially compared to "Out of Sight" and do not leave anything to the imagination. They're pure passion and fuckin'...equally awesome! Diane Lane is so brilliant in this. You can physically see her mental torture and being torn apart inside. We've all made the choice of whether to sucuumb to temptation - to something every part of your being wants but your conscious knows is wrong. And then make the choice to give in and FUCKING LOVE IT! And the part where book guy takes off her shoes and panties? Holy Christ, hotness. Also, Richard Gere's character gets oddly hot at the end. In the beginning of the movie, he's so boring. By the end, jealousy and anger take over and he commits a truly horrific act to, in his mind, save his marriage and keep his wife. There's something frighteningly hot about having someone love you that much - bordering on unhealthy obsession. So, if you love to mentally torture yourself and love hot sex, this is your movie, motherfucker.
..
DIANA LANE SEX SCENE- UNFAITHFUL - Funny bloopers R us

Now, this next scene isn't really a "sex" scene as much as a "sexy" scene. It's Salma Hayak's striptease in "From Dusk Til Dawn" as the evil vampire Santanico Pandemonium. She has the most amazing bodies and moves I've ever seen. Tarantino also picked the perfect music to go with this too - a Mexican mariachi band playing a sexy slow song. I really want to learn that whole lick the beer off my leg thing. The hottest part of this whole striptease is when Hayak takes off the headdress and starts swinging her hair around as fire erupts in the background as she does this little hip shimmy thing. Hayak is disgustingly sexy and as Clooney says here, "Now that's what I call a fucking show!"


The rollercoaster scene in "Fear" is really hot too. Again, with the whole obssessive/passionate affair. Who wouldn't want to be finger-popped by their psychotic but sensitive boyfriend on a carnival ride? I know I would love it. But I'm a sick fuck. Watch this! It's so exhilirating!


Now, "Secretary" was one of those movies people really liked or just didn't get. I love movies that give me a weird mind fuck and challenge my thoughts of what is morally and sexually decent. One of the issues I had with this movie was if a)is this chick played by Maggie Gyllenhaal retarded or just socially awkward or b)is James Spaders's character just being mean? I really think she's just really weird and bored and obviously a complete pushover. And Spader's character totally takes advantage of it. I guess it's a perfect dominant/submissive love story. And who doesn't deserve/love a good swat on the ass every once in a while? Fun for the whole family!


Finally, Mr. Matt Damon convinces me he's not a goofy asexual in "The Bourne Identity"! Oh, man this make out scene is intense. His character and his girl are trying to outrun the FBI and have to disguise themselves in a yucky hotel room. He cuts her hair for her and make this connection ending in hot makeoutz. I just love this one because it's such a turn on for a guy to primp and pamper me like that. Like brushing my hair or doing my nails. It's so sweet and intimate. And I would SO makeout with you Bourne Identity-style.

The funniest thing I saw this week happened to be on a cake. Everytime I thought about it, I laughed like a retard for about 5 minutes straight. Here it is:



I have a list of things I'd LOVE to see on a cake. Fuck boring "Happy Birthday"!

1. "WELCOME HOME! Don't Worry About the Prostitution and Racketeering Charges! I'm Sure This Will All Blow Over Soon!"

2. "I Don't Know What's Worse: Your Whiskey Dick or My Inability To At Least PRETEND I'm Enjoying Myself. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!"

3. "Sorry I Bought You The J.Lo Box Set Collector's Edition DVDs With Commentary. I Must Have Been Drunk or High. Happy Birthday Though!"

4. "I Die A Little Inside When You Tell Your Knock-Knock Jokes. Please Don't Be Offended If I Don't Laugh Next Time. I Just Can't Keep Up This Charade Anymore. Happy Birthday Grandpa!"

5. "Congrats On Your Engagement...Best Wishes For A Lifetime of Passive-Aggressive Arguments, Tears, Emotional Unfulfillment, and Mediocre Sex!"

6. " Sorry About Your Paranoid Schizophrenia Diagnosis! And By The Way, Little Pink Bunnies Just Took Over Congress and You Left Your Oven On and Your Door Unlocked. Just Kidding! Get Well Soon!"

Feel free to post your favorite personalized cake sayings. It's fun. <3 u, Baiiii!

LOL...I'm not putting THAT on the interwebz, silly.

BUT, I did post some new blogs on the site for Wax Fantastic, the awesome podcast Rick, Eddie, and I do and play every Monday at 9pm in The Opie Room on Paltalk. I'll be posting most of my blogs on the blogcast page from now on if you're interested. And if you visit a lot or leave nice comments, I'll send you tit/vag pics! Love you guys! Baiiii <3!



Visit waxfantastic.com plz, k thx!

The insomnia is really bad this week. It's like I can't shut off my brain & fall asleep which can be a problem. I'm a night person anyways, so I like to stay up late. Here is a list of things I think about when I lose my train of thought while trying to do ANYTHING on about 10 hours of sleep in 4 days:

1. If I was in a gang, I would insist my street name be "Peanut".
2. I want to do a cartwheel. I haven't done that in years.
3. Gummi Bears are food of the gods.
4. It unnerves me how much I sneeze when I pluck my eyebrows. There must be some kind of facial nerve that's connected to my hair roots or something. I should google this instead of just hypothesizing on this subject, but I'm stupid, and I just don't feel like it right now.
5. Are there any worse people than car salesmen? Ok, here's my top 5 starting from worst: Murderers, child molesters, car salesmen, Paris Hilton, domestic batterers.
6. [(Grey Goose + Sprite) - (Self-Respect)] x 3 = Fun Timez. Math is fun.
7. I would love to punch a Jenga tower right now.
8. I want to start a Doomsday cult that worships Sugar Bear and J.Lo. We would all be fucking adorable with great makeup and amazing asses.
9. If I could pick the one thing that I would be able to eat forever and ever, it would be Pizza flavored Combos.
10. I almost bought some unicorn band-aids online last night. I think I will opt for the Rainbow Brite ones instead because they slightly less ridiculous.
11. Penis. It's great.
12. I have 24 tubes of lip gloss. Why? How can I possibly use up all of them?
13. Whenever I'm having a bad day I just think of a puppy in a top hat and doggy tap shoes running around my apartment. Then I giggle.

I LLLLLOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE getting myspace messages! They are the bestest. I get so excited when I sign on and hear the little ca-ching noise and the New Message window pops up. I am a loser.

However, occasionally, I get really weird ones from strangers. If they live near me, I don't really mind as we have something in common and they are probably looking for friends near them or whatever. But this morning I woke up to a message from some guy in Egypt. It is so odd that I feel I have to share this and do a Silera-style dissection of this nonsense. My reactions and commentary will be in all caps in parentheses. So, here it is:

Subject: Jenn, Pleassssssssssssssse!! (????????)

Princess Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, (NO ARGUMENTS HERE. FLATTERY GETS YOU EVERYWHERE WITH ME AS I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM & NEED CONSTANT ATTENTION)

I've sooooooooooooo much love in my heart, but unfortunately I've been hurt a lot in my life.....I NEED love in my life...But whenever I find her, she breaks my heart!! (WTF?!? DO I KNOW YOU?)

I'm very romantic person and sometimes I feel that I was born in the wrong world (I AGREE. NOW LEAVE.)....I'm not desperate, I'm just someone who wants to find love, and nothing wrong in that.......But love never find me:( (YOUR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING BASIC SUBJECT/VERB AGREEMENT SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOU. AND IT'S VERY IRRITATING TO ME. ENGLISH IS NOT YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE IS IT?) ........I want to love and be loved, Is that a crime????????? (WOW NINE QUESTION MARKS...YOU SEEM SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS SUBJECT. TELL ME MORE. PLEASE.)

Jenn, I'm not a bad guy:) (THIS TRANSLATES TO "I HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE A SERIAL KILLER AND I'VE BEEN ARRESTED FOR DOMESTIC BATTERY AT LEAST TWICE." AND SOMEHOW THE SMILEY FACE EMOTICON AFTER IT JUST ADDS TO THE CREEPINESS OF THIS POINTLESS DIATRIBE.)

If it's meant to be, you will like message (OMG! PLEASE USE ADJECTIVES OR PRONOUNS, DUDE! EX: "IF IT'S MEANT TO BE YOU WILL LIKE THIS,MY MESSAGE.") and you will like me though all the differences in the religion(OH, YOU'RE MUSLIM), background and nationality(ALLAH IS DEAD. WE EVOLVED FROM CHIMPS. I ALSO BELONG TO A DOOMSDAY CULT WHICH YOU WILL HAVE TO JOIN FOR ME TO EVEN TALK TO YOU. AND I DOUBT YOUR FAMILY WOULD ACCEPT ME AS I CAN BE A MOUTHY BITCH AND WILL KICK YOU SQUARE IN THE JUNK IF YOU EVEN TRY TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AND I DON'T COOK AND CLEAN FOR MEN UNLESS I FEEL LIKE IT. K THX.) ...... But if it's not meant to be, then you won't like my message and of course you won't like me....(BINGO)

Princess Jenn(AGAIN, I WANT TO COMPLETELY REITERATE THIS STATEMENT)......... When I looked at your beautiful charming eyes, (THEY ARE NICE, RIGHT?) I felt a spark running all over my body,(I THINK THAT WAS FROM THE TORTURE DEVICE YOUR PEOPLE SEEM TO LOVE TO USE ON POLITITAL DISSIDENTS AND THE INFIDELS. I COULD BE WRONG. AND I WILL NOT WEAR A BURKA BECAUSE I SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON MY MAKEUP AND HAIR, WHICH IS FABULOUS. I LIKE TO SHOW IT OFF.) I felt that I'm living in heaven (AWWW, I'M ANGELIC)...... And when I looked at your warm irresistible smile, I felt that I'm the happiest person on this planet, I felt that this world is smiling to me (I GET THAT A LOT)...... And when I looked at your gorgeous angelic face, I felt that I'm flying in the sky(EW), I felt that this world is mine!! (OK NOW YOU'RE JUST BULLSHITTING ME)

And honestly I was looking soooooooooo hard (WERE YA? SHOW REFERENCE, +3 LOLOLOL), I was looking everywhere and anywhere until I gave up and realized that the princess of my dreams doesn't and will never exist, until I saw you! (YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE.)...... And Please don't think me pervert or player because I'm not:) (EW QUIT WITH THE SMILEY FACES AFTER CREEPY STATEMENTS)

Now you have the right to block me, (OH, BELIEVE ME, THAT'S PRIORITY 1) or ignore my message,(THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE AS YOU HAVE SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME) or just tell me that you are not interested in me.....(THERE WILL BE ZERO COMMUNICATION BETWEEN US EXCEPT FOR THE CLICK OF THE BLOCK BUTTON) And either ways, no problem, it's life........ Or...... may be you are interested in me....(NEVER) may be.... Who knows!!....... And Yes I admit that my message is a little over the top, but I couldn't help it ...... (THIS MESSAGE IS SO FAR BEYOND OVER THE TOP. THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN SHOT OFF ON A ROCKET TO FUCKING SATURN NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.)

Amr (I HATE YOUR NAME. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE MISSING A VOWEL.)

Feel free to post your stalker-like messages so we can dissect and critique them. IT'S SO MUCH FUN!

God bless religious candy. It's delicious and will save your awful soul from eternal damnation :)



Testamints: Mask the odor of the dogmatic bullshit you parrot to anyone unfortuante enough to have to converse with you. WE EVOLVED FROM CHIMPS! ACCEPT IT, ASSHOLE! WHY DO YOU HATE SCIENCE?!?



Awww. Sweet Truths have little sayings and Bible verses on them to give inspirational feel-goods with each bite. I have my own sweet truths I'd like to see printed on these wrappers:

1. Your dad has sodomized your mom. Frequently and many, many times. That's an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. Somebody's going to Hell!
2. Your son is a homosexual.
3. Jesus was black.
4. Don't leave your kids with Father O'Reilly. His hands tend to wander and he's very grabby.
5. The Church tortured and killed tens of thousands of innocent people in the name of your God during the Inquisition. Have a nice day.
6. The Pope wears Prada shoes. You wear knock-off Keds and $2 flip-flops.
7. Jesus was an awesome magician. He would totally sell out Vegas.
8. We share over 98% of our DNA with chimps. Let's think about that for a second, make some inferences, and draw some conclusions.
9. Remember, any questioning of church doctrine, one word of dissension, or any free thinking will get you labeled a heretic. Jesus is love!
10. Awww, don't cry. Go fuck someone and do some coke. Life's short, and then you're dead, and then there's nothing. Just remember, if Jesus existed, he would love you.



Noah's Nuggets = giraffe turds, elephant eyeballs, tiger toes, bird cocks, and Noah's own boogers. Yumz.



Holy Christ! It's crucifix suckers covered in Pop Rocks. I have to admit that sounds delicious. And can be used along with any carbonated beverage as a weapon against Beelzebub.



I'm protesting these candy bracelets. Only whores wear jewelry.



Candy Jesus Birkenstocks! They taste and smell like Fritos, and your lesbian will love them!



Are Bible Bars like a PowerBar for holy rollers? And who knew the 7 foods from Deuteronomy are wheat, barley, raisins, honey, figs, pomegranates, and olive oil? And of course there are 7 because that's the number of Jesus. Who the fuck would eat this? It sounds boring and bland just like Deuteronomy. I want to drop kick a Bible Bar into the baptism pool. And I want to hand them out to 6 year-olds on Halloween and yell at them for celebrating the Devil's holiday then tell them the only way to save their damned souls is to trade me Bible Bars for their mini candy bars. Chocolate only please thnx.



These jelly bean things would make great stocking stuffers. Pictured above are David & Goliath, Samson, & Moses. Personally, I would like to collect the guy that was crucified to the left of Jesus (the one on the right was a real asshole), Judas with some money bags, the one with Jezebel jerking off 4 guys, and a leper. The kids will love them.



The Jesus candy canes have to be my favorite. Not because they taste alright, but because whoever created this product is a motherfucking genius. HE TOOK AN EXISTING PIECE OF CANDY, TURNED IT UPSIDE DOWN AND FLIPPED IT OVER, THEN MARKETED A WHOLE NEW PRODUCT! SEE, IT'S A CANDY CANE SHAPED LIKE A "J" FOR JESUS, ONLY CANDY CANES WERE SHAPED LIKE A "J" TO BEGIN WITH BUT UPSIDE DOWN & BACKWARDS! Jesus Christ, are the religious also profoundly retarded? I say yes. And WWJD if He knew you were ripping off the stupid? Shame on you, you unscrupulous but extremely savvy businessman. We need to talk business. Do you have representation?

Y'all eat some Jesus candy & remember Jesus <3s you! BAI!