It's one thing to miss someone from across the miles

 But a whole other to miss you from across the room

Here we are

Exchanging a few sad looks,

no words,

no touch.

As I ache in places I didn't even know could hurt

I turn away,

Distract the hand that usually holds yours

Busy my head with empty things

Breathe in air to heave out a sigh…

Reasoning with myself,

if only…

If only you understood what I meant.

Then maybe you'd come running to me now

And maybe you'd know

That sometimes

Some things are worth a fight

without asking

That sometimes

Being okay is not good

And loving completely

would ultimately,

unabashedly

want proof.

And so I wait.

Maybe all I need is a hug from God.

Stirring to a cloudy, new dawn by slow

Savor the feel of your arms around me.

It's Sunday, I'm in love is all I know,

You watch and I've never felt more pretty

The rays of light dance on your face

Warm against the chilly breeze;

On your lips, these fingers I trace-

if only every day I wake up to this…

Unfamiliar grounds we drive along

My hand in yours, we kiss, we smile

Humming to our so called song

Stretching one moment to be a while.

Off we go as lightning struck

And I roll the window down;

Somehow, somewhere now we're stuck

Out of place, out of town.

On the outside everything looks plain-

We talk, we laugh, we walk then run,

Just another young couple in the rain

But no one sees how far we've gone...

You make me feel alive again,

You don't even know how much.

Nothing to fix for nothing's broken

But I'm more complete with your touch.

You gave me a hundred reasons

I'll only give you one-

I love that I can't find what NOT to love

In you... in us... in sum.

So here's to another day with you

As it's all we have, baby...

But we make it last through and through

Breakfast is on me. 

Life as of late is a collection of busy hours-

peppered with mirth, a makeshift romance and…nothing.

In my hands lies everything I thought I wanted.

Imagined this day to be more glorious yet it isn't.

And that's the fault.

Imagination always forms a different actuality.

Sometimes, it's like my living semblance of a future

is a dress I so willingly try and love

and upon deciding it no longer fits, take off;

Only along with it goes my skin.

I am a past,

I am hope,

a dream with happily ever after,

which is now a gaping hole that memories can't fill.

And then I breathe…slowly, deeply

wishing I was air instead…

to be this unnoticed,

this necessary.

Logic is a black plague to a woman ruled by her heart

For where I should revel in rage, I reason.

Bid my heart to stop,

hold me still

let me bleed this feeling to the last drop

and bring me back.

Make me quiver

please

till I remember

why there's nowhere else I should be,

why it's you

here 

with me.

Unexpected

as the new moon that lurks behind midsummer rain

You came from where you were

(wherever that may be)

to here,

to now,

to me.

And isn’t it curious?

How you can know someone for years

And have them feel so new;

How one look, one touch, one kiss

can turn the wheels

from the downward spiral of my thoughts

into your arms.

Darling angel, where are your wings?

Free

as unearthed as love could be

with no past nor future-

we walk, we flee.

Close your eyes

And this, tonight is yours

Hurled into eternity with the scent of your skin

A little something of a something

That very few people can "own"

Give it whatever a name

Shapeless, lambent as the tongues of a flame

But I’d rather not.

But yes, you can love.

Here comes another day

Play it off and dream…of me

until tonight…

Goodnight, my sweet.

Goodnight.

A Memo to My Friends (and to me)

Treat yourself as you would the love of your life- be kind, be forgiving, know what makes you happy and do it. Enjoy your own company, get along with people but mostly get along with you. Fill your heart with love of self to the brim that it overflows so you may then give love to others with ease.

You are what you love, not what loves you. It is yours. You're free to love whoever you want, regardless of how THEY feel.  It feels every bit as good to love as it is to be loved and the former is something YOU get to decide. Love is unlimited, unending, uncontainable. It knows no conditions, for it has no conditions. Try not to give it boundaries.

Orient yourself to the best part of the people around you; should that become difficult, be reminded of God dwelling within them. And the God dwelling within you. Don't be quick to judge, show compassion to the bitter, angry and jealous- they are going through a lot of pain. Look with eyes of love, speak and hear with your heart. Nothing brings out the best/worst in another faster than your attention upon it. In every man an angel stirs.And everyone's just doing his best to be happy.

Take risks. Life happens to those who live on the edge. The only certainty is that nothing is ever for certain. Security does not exist. Other people are not possessions. You are love, love that can't be destroyed, love that cannot fade or be taken away. What do you need protection or assurance for? Nothing and no one can hurt you save your own mind. Doubt your doubts. Never regret. And love wholly, dangerously, completely- don't hold back.

Stay open, lightning could strike. Be ever hopeful, glad and believing. Despite all the drama and all the negative experiences the mass consciousness can feed you, it is a beautiful world. To be cynical about anything especially about love is to die many years before you hit the grave. Add passion, add meaning to every thing that you do- take time to pause and enjoy the moment- even the ones that seem dull, that's what it means to  truly live. Don't settle for "okay", rattle the stars.

I wish you every happiness today and always.

I don't understand which mechanism compels to want to make anything that makes us happy last forever. Maybe that's it. Everybody just wants to be happy and forever. I suspect we innately know that life is itself eternal; we try to imitate and humanize that eternality so we get attached. So we invented security.  And we think that this thing we have now (or dream of having), be that an enduring relationship, be that a stimulating job, a beloved pet, a religion even, a hobby is going to incite that same feeling without end. But that's not how it goes, does it? I mean, when one really likes pizza and eats too much, chances are, even if that person claims pizza to be so dear, he/she would eventually get revolted by it, then avoid it for the next six months and turn to a different pie. I know passions are not pies.

People change. And for the sake of expansion, they should. There's no way around that hence the dear "pizza" is bound to change also (or be replaced).  Unless you're enlightened enough to constantly direct focus in the wanted and ever find room for the new in your pie. Or you're just really lucky.

Is it possible to be with one person for the rest of your life and stay happy? Is it possible to commit to one thing, anything for always and never regret it? Anything's possible should we try. But many wonder why we'd even want to. My theory is, those who wonder never met a deep love... or have but are afraid of it. 30^th anniversary of my parents today, it hasn't been perfect but I look at them and they ARE happy. This is what they consciously want.

In this landscape of infinite potentials….where you can experience so much, be (or be with) so many, it's like you owe it to yourself to have a go at it. To not be held back by anything, anyone else! (Is that why they call marriage "settling down"?) To govern your life without responsibility, to be stripped free of the cumbersome obligations to do, provide and please someone who's not you. We ARE born free and shouldn't we act like it?

But what is out there really? Everyday we hear of stories or personally experience ourselves going on a limb to find out.

Sometimes I feel like those who give heart and soul, pissed drunk into the wild after massive orgies that so many living "normal lives" envy are more miserable than mirth filled. There are many prominent examples. And they ran, sang and bled the way only the most audacious can. Yet once sober again, alone again- you can almost hear their brains' loneliness from a mile.

But I'm sure not all. Maybe some are actually as happy as they appear.

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. Im a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other.(-coelho)

So who wins? I don't know. I'm stuck between having no time to waste and forever to decide. But most assuredly, happiness isn't born from outside of me so either way I guess it just doesn't matter.

The night reeks of charred human flesh

quivering in the gust of ancient hate.

Knowing fear of God

blistered and bleeding feet run amid cotton fields

lit pale by no star but by one sunken moon.

Welcome in silence

the starved stripped shamed shaven

before his wife children and fellowmen

Dazed more ghostly than dark alleyways

butchered with cold hands-

Strike one, strike two.

Impair the thoughts with gore, control-

Ravage him dumb and drunken,

bury all that's left to spit on them

with vast sardonic glee-

Strike three.

A bright colored mind arises,

immaculate in the wild,

unapologetic;

his soul fired with weapons of words to awaken a slumbering crowd,

though small, is not insignificant

though hesitant, is hopeful for hope

panting, crying, screaming, beating, pleading, raging, howling

enough is enough!

I am your slave no more.

You are a complicated blessing, if there be such a thing.
Like a rope, the smoke-formed notes coil me slow,
out from the liquid void unto the dry spotlight of your thoughts

My flaws liberally, calculatedly, seep through
This is the part you turn and walk away
But instead you smirk,
shaking your head, name me silly
among the adjectives you carelessly (or carefully)
select to shower me with-
that other girls would kill to so sincerely hear.

Other girls would fly happy as strawberry champagne buzzed angels
If they'd be with who and where I am today
But unfortunately, we both have nothing to do with other girls.

You are blue sapphire that broke free from mold
Indefinably, you move with a grace that bears your own signature-
Beautiful even in melancholy, sweet even in revenge;
In your hands rests a world of brilliance.

No one would have guessed
For very few times do we look not with eyes
(not to say you're not easy on them)
To see depth,
To swim in the silver pool of the mind…

Glad I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

---

In my eyes,

raining all around are words

And they make sense

out of thoughts

They translate the polaroids and pulse rates

The scent, the notes, the touch, the amount of lightfall

Just as equations i absolutely don't understand-

but somewhere, someone looks at numbers

And see stars,

colors,

freedom…

I need kisses and embraces

Sometimes more than food-

They feed me better..

Mostly from certain people I've assigned as suppliers

But the truth is, I never get enough.

I don't think anyone could.

Mysteries are highly overrated.

I mean, what with these games?

When you were a child when you first meet someone

You want to know everything about that person, all at once if you can

And you want them to know everything about you

Because, if not for anything it feels wonderful

Yet here rest facades, foul mouthed impressions, timing,

replications of what's suggested to be desirable or cool-

Leave the flirt, the tease and the coward to the worthy fool.

I'll pass.

(Still, on occassion, I am not young enough to be so wise.)

And they say no one is perfect.

But everyone is,

always been and always will be.

In every sameness and dissimilarity...

What are we so afraid of?

What is it that we find so revolting in ourselves that we can't forgive or let go? 

When you are so... faultless.

A power surges within you, greater than all you can see,

Mover of space, designer of known histories, maker of worlds-

Loving you down to every cell, hugging from the inside out…

ceaselessly, adoringly, calling you forth.

It waits to be trusted, beyond the glories of the human mind,

and if there be an impossibility- it is that this power be accurately quantified

for it adds unto itself lightyears in every blink.

Here, now

is what I chose to be

And I am free...

I am free.

A week into the new teaching gig and at my refusal to adhere to and only to the given curriculum of a self proclaimed conservative school, i am labeled as RADICAL.

"Am I in trouble for asking the kids to form their own opinion instead of spoonfeeding them my own?"

I wouldn't put it that way but we advise strongly that you only teach what you are supposed to.

"I thought that's what I was doing."

Miss Eusebio, we mean that you need to follow the lesson plan laid out for you, no more, no less. (ah yes, the problem: i took their lesson plan as a suggestion and made a new one)

"I can't do that."

I'm afraid this may not work.

"I agree. You'll get my resignation letter on your desk tomorrow."
Probably a nice break for the kids anyway.

-----

on another note (completely oblivious to the previous narration):

I am reduced to unfinished businesses and I wonder, would it be better to be desensitized than to ache? I am not even lingering. I dodge. I am fine, I am. I ignore this relentless secret that I dare not even name… but for how long? I don't need your honesty. I've never met yet I'm convinced that if I did, I wouldn't like patience, not in the littlest sense. I carry a heavy throat, cradling the heavy words I've choked it with.  And the worst part is, I am in this alone. Where you used to be my strength lays a floor of unconcern. Would this be the same if I could touch you? Do you grow tired of love or does love grow tired of you? And it's nobody's mistake. Everyone is a fucking legend in their minds. So left blameless, I remind myself to breathe. Falling...without hope or agenda, that out there, you will catch me.

1) People would see, speak and act through their own lenses of either joy or pain, hence consider the source ALWAYS. If you're talking to someone miserable, don't expect any sunshine of a response, best stop. If they can't be happy- they wouldn't want you to be.

2) Nobody wants to hear your woes. Really. Others desire to be enriched by your presence, they want to feel good around you and at least have a laugh or two. I'm not asking that you veer away from me when you have troubles, I'll be glad to be of assistance just don't make it a daily habit unless you're actually paying me to be your shrink.

3) Those who own a seemingly superior complex are actually, simply attempting to mask the inferior complex they know they have. It's such a turn off to hear anyone ragging on everyone else- hard to make that person realize that calling someone names in no way embetters him/her.

4) Some friends are born with the default position of opposing you so as to seize an opportunity to feel heard. Why argue back?

5) Not everything has to have a point. Women rant. It's a necessity; allow five to ten minutes and no more; After that, we can go back to being wonderful- if we don't, leave us alone.

6) I really have an intense distaste for anyone (entity or group) who tries to guilt trip me into anything.

7) Identifying what you don't want IS good for it makes you realize what you do want. But leave it at that. Stop bitching. You don't have to push against the unwanted. Saying goes "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" it should've had a continuity- "if it is broke and u can't fix it, play golf."

8) Overreactions, hostility, any form of attack is either a call for help or symptoms of steroid abuse.

9)  The universe has no favorites. (though several people perceive themselves to be the center of the universe, you all can't be right. Taking yourself too seriously is a sign. Believe in signs.)

10) Losing sleep can't always be bad. Like now, I'm happily awake.

On again, I wear my favorite shade of royal mirth.

Goodnight beloveds.

Day breaks a sullen reverie

What would it take for change to come?

Hasten the wait, set me free…

Near nine thousand hours in sum.

From me, my eyes went away

to chase this shadow you keenly wear

Certainly, what could I say?

I merely gaze, more wouldn't dare.

Had you known, had you dimly felt

what fancy prose ventures to bleed-

By my heart, rhymes would've knelt;

Love is something you just don't read.

The space between grow and rise

always to a more hurtful degree,

Helplessly slain by repentant sighs

Refusing to believe it's only me...

Not what you speak, it's what you don't.

Every word missed cuts like a blade,

Tired of keeping an imperiled front

Routinely, sweetly, a smile does fade.

"Move on, at least you tried"

How easy it is to just declare.

If I were seen from the inside-

A black hole nestles there.

Too fleeting

Too soon…

and rotten-

How I let slip your fingers in between mine,

How for a moment

I could

wrap my lips, ears, eyes and arms

'round every thing you are, every where you'd allow

Only so that

 its reminiscence

outvenom the worms of Nile

To a purpose:

gradually, festively

spoil

and leave

me.

(without sleep,

mockingly breathing by mind's prompt)

I detest a fantasy and o, love it just the same

You are mine long as I want…in memory.

But now there,

is all you'll ever be-

Excrements served on a silver platter

Garnished

and decked--

still shit nevertheless.